A day in the life of a j/o carrier pilot

[Catmando]

Don't know if this is a JOPA dupe or not. Or even relevant to today's Nav. Too lazy/late to check. (So sue me if it is a dupe. :dog_125: )


> A few of you “boys” should recognize this routine!!!
>
> • 0400 - Awakened to sound of power buffer banging against your stateroom
bulkhead.
> • 0515 - Awakened again to the 1-MC, for "Sweepers, sweepers, man your
brooms. Sweep down all passageways and ladder ways. Give the ship a clean sweep
both fore and aft. Now sweepers."
> • 0600 - Alarm clock goes off. Reset alarm for 0900.
> • 0730 - Sleep through breakfast. Most aviators don't even know that the ship
serves breakfast.
> • 0800 - Reset alarm when it accidentally goes off prior to 0900.
> • 0900 - Begin hitting snooze every 7 minutes until roommates complain.
> • 0930 - Stagger into shower. Forget soap. Go back and get it. Realize you
left your key in your flight suit again. Pound on door until sleepy roommates
wake up to let you in. Return to shower. Forget Shampoo. Use soap to wash your
hair instead.
> • 1000 - Walk to the squadron ready room to see if anybody wants to go to
lunch. Receive annoyed looks by Lieutenant Commanders who have been there since
0730.
> • 1030 - Lunch.
> • 1045 - Lunch is over. The day officially begins.
> • 1100 - Back to stateroom for a quick nap.
> • 1300 - Get up and walk to the ready room for a meeting. Drink coffee with
the other junior officers until the skipper shows up.
> • 1345 - Squadron Duty Officer calls skipper to remind him that the meeting
was supposed to start at 1300.
> • 1346 - Skipper walks in. 1300 meeting begins.
> • 1346-1530 - Some Lieutenant Commander or other drones on and on about some
project of his. Amuse yourself trying to tie a noose out of your shoelace.
> • 1525 - The Lieutenant Commander is finally cut off so that the flight
crews can use the ready room to brief for the first mission.
> • 1526 - Begin flight planning. Realize you do not have time to be thorough.
Decide that your key phrase in the brief will be to "remain flexible."
> • 1530 - Brief your crew/flight on what is expected of them. Remind them
repeatedly that in today's rapidly changing environment, it is important to
"remain flexible." Act like you know what you are doing.
> • 1600 - Finish brief. Walk down to the mission planning office to find out
all the information you should have just briefed your crew on.
> • 1615 - Go to Maintenance Control to read the Aircraft Discrepancy Book to
find out what other pilots have found wrong with your plane.
> • 1630 - Preflight and start aircraft. Listen to the Air Boss scream on tower
frequency at some other pilot whose fly-by was a little too aggressive.
> • 1715 - Begin taxiing to the catapult. Realize that you should have used the
head after drinking all that coffee in the meeting.
> • 1730 - Catapult shot. Pressurized steam accelerates you from 0 to 135 mph
in 0.8 seconds. The coolest feeling in the entire world. It requires the same
force needed to launch a VW Beetle straight up 6 miles.
> • 1730-1830 - Perform a one-hour mission flawlessly. Kick some poor slob's
ass in a dogfight. CAP in position. Everybody has plenty of fuel. Life for one
hour travels at the speed of sound.
> • 1830 - Get set up in the "marshal stack" to await your turn at a night
landing on a pitching carrier deck. Fly a "rails pass" for an OK 3-wire.
Mission is over. Just in time to get some dinner before the evening movie.
> • 1845 - Debrief with the Landing Signals Officer on the outstanding pass you
just flew. Use both hands to simulate your approach. Lots of back-slapping
all-around, and it's off to dinner.
> • 1900 - Dinner complete, stop by the mini-mart for a bag of microwave
popcorn. Proceed to the back of the ready-room, where 12 others aviators are
already in line with their own bags.
> • 1915 - The skipper arrives, and the 1900 movie begins. The whole wardroom
knows all the lines, because it is one you've all seen at least a dozen times
so far this cruise. Every two minutes the sound is blanked out by the crashing
sound of landing gear hitting the deck seven feet over your head.
> • 2115 - The movie is over. Sign three training forms with yesterday's date.
Put them in the bottom of a Lieutenant Commander's inbox so it looks like he
ignored it until it was overdue.
> • 2130 - The junior officers debate the merits of sleeping or waiting until
the chow hall opens again for midrats. Hunger wins out over fatigue, and you
wait up another hour playing Acey-duecey in the ready room.
> • 2230 - Everybody still awake goes to midrats for a slider (a greasy
hockey-puck-like hamburger). Washing it down with a bowl of "auto-dog"
(soft-serve ice cream) you head to the rack for some much-needed sleep.
> • 2300 - Fall asleep to the sound of your roommate yet again telling you all
about the trials and tribulations he is having with his girlfriend back home.
You stopped caring three months ago.
> • 2300-0400 - Dream about your next port call.
>
> Repeat cycle 180+ times until end of cruise !!!
>

 

[helolumpy]

Where is the 2330 - Play X-Box in stateroom with roomates
2345 - Flight Schedule is delivered to stateroom after 14 revisions
2346 - JO's complain that they are: A) Not flying B) Briefing at 0715 C) Manned spare for two events D) COPSWO watch

 

[exhelodrvr]

And nothing about being on Alert.

 

[a_m]

What is this waking up at 0900 crap? And having a "functional" 1-MC in your stateroom?

 

[SteveG75]

This is the transcipt of a focsle follies skit from my last cruise. I apologize in advance for the all caps, that is how it was sent to me. Enjoy!

THE PIECE IS ENTITLED 'DIARY OF A DAY ON THE ILLUSTRIOUS CHUCKY V' BY LIEUTENANT WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE (STRIKE FIGHTER PILOT). THE NARRATIVE TAKES US THROUGH A TYPICAL DAY IN THE LIFE OF A JUNIOR OFFICER ABOARD A MODERN AIRCRAFT CARRIER ON A SIX-MONTH DEPLOYMENT. OF COURSE AS THE DAY BEGINS, THE YOUNG SHAKESPEARE FINDS HIMSELF IN THAT FAVORITE STATE OF JUNIOR OFFICER EXISTENCE, ASLEEP IN HIS RACK. AND I READ

0930, FEBRUARY 10TH IN THE YEAR OF OUR LORD 20 HUNDRED AND THREE. BOSUN'S WHISTLE:

HARK, WHAT INCESSANT PIERCING SOUND RIPS THROUGH MY SUB CONSCIENCE LIKE A SPEAR THRUST THROUGH THE HEART OF TRANQUILITY. IT'S THAT SHRILL AND MOST ANNOYING WAIL OF THE BOSON'S PIPE ANNOUNCING YET ANOTHER MAN OVERBOARD DRILL.

THUS BEGINS MY DAY ON THE ILLUSTRIOUS CHUCKY V.

WOULD IT WERE THAT THIS WAS THE FIRST SUCH INTERRUPTION OF MY BLISSFUL SLUMBER, MY SPIRITS WOULD NOT RUN SO FOUL. BUT ALAS, THIS IS THE THIRD CONSECUTIVE ATTEMPT TO MUSTER THE CREW; WHERE THE TWO ENDEAVORS HITHERTO HAVE SO MISERABLY FAILED. HOW YOU ASK, IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS SANE CAN 5000 GROWN MEN AND WOMEN TRAPPED IN THE CONFINES OF THIS GLORIOUS VESSEL, FAIL TIME AND TIME AGAIN TO ACCOUNT FOR THEMSELVES WITHIN ONE QUARTER OF AN HOUR. ..... A MYSTERY THAT WILL BAFFLE THE GREATEST OF MINDS, AND WILL NO DOUBT FORCE THE SHIP'S 2ND IN COMMAND TO AN EARLY GRAVE.

0933 MUCH AS I DID THIRTY MINUTES HITHER AND THIRTY HITHER TO THAT I CALL THE SQUADRON DUTY OFFICER TO INFORM HIM YET AGAIN THAT I AM INDEED ALIVE AND YES I'M STILL ABOARD THIS DREADFUL SHIP. LULLABY

0933 AND 30 SECONDS. MY RESPONSIBILITY IN THIS MOST TRIFLING OF EXERCISES COMPLETE, I RESUME MY PEACEFUL REPOSE, FOR AS A JUNIOR OFFICER, MY PRIMARY DUTY IS AFTER ALL TO SLEEP UNTIL THE PANGS OF HUNGER AROUSE ME AND THENCE TO EAT UNTIL THE SAND MAN ONCE AGAIN GUIDES ME GENTLY ACROSS THE RIVER OF CONSCIOUSNESS TO SLUMBERLAND WHERE I DREAM OF THE GLORIOUS DAY WHEN THIS SIX MONTH LONG CYCLE OF EATING AND SLEEPING WILL COME TO A MERCIFUL END.

1145 AS THEY HAVE COUNTLESS TIMES BEFORE, THOSE MOST RELIABLE PANGS OF HUNGER FORCE ME TO DRAG MY LIFELESS CARCASS FROM MY RACK.

1148 I DON MY WARRIOR'S GARB, A DRAB OLIVE AFFAIR WITH FAR TOO MANY ZIPPERS. ON MY LEFT BREAST, MY RANK AND NAME. ON MY RIGHT AN OBVIOUS VOID WHERE MY LEGION'S CREST MUST FIT. BUT ALAS TO WHICH LEGION DO I BELONG?

--HS-8 - THE MIGHTY EIGHTBALLERS?

RELENTLESSLY BEATING THE AIR INTO SUBMISSION WITH THEIR ROTOR BLADES, TRACING ENDLESS CIRCLES IN THE SKY AT CHERUBS 1.5 ON THE STARBOARD BEAM FOR HOURS AND HOUR AND HOURS ON END? NOOOO.

--VFA-147 ARGONAUTS.

THE ARGONAUT, WARRIOR OF ANCIENT GREEK LORE. THE CREST, HOWEVER AN OBVIOUSLY EFFEMINATE ERSTWHILE SENTINEL IN AN ORANGE SKIRT, GLEEFULLY STANDING ASTRIDE A TWIN TAILED LIZZARD. HARDLY THE IMAGE FOR WHICH VERY MUCH RESPECT IS GARNERED.

--VFA-146 BLUE DIAMONDS.

BLUE DIAMONDS. THAT IS GAY.

--VMFA-314 BLACK KNIGHTS.

NOW THERE IS A WARRIOR'S CREST IF EVER THERE WAS ONE, BUT ALAS I AM NOT WORTHY OF SUCH A CREST, FOR THE LENGTH OF MY HAIR EXCEEDS TWO CENTIMETERS, MY IQ EXCEEDS TWO DIGITS AND WHEN IN FULL STATE OF AROUSAL, MY WEDDING TACKLE EXCEEDS TWO INCHES

VS-33 SCREWBIRDS.

FIRST, WHAT IN HEAVENS NAME IS A SCREW BIRD. SECOND, WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT TO BE A SCREW BIRD. TWO QUESTIONS FOR WHICH I'M SURE THERE ARE LIGITIMATE ANSWERS, BUT FOR WICH I HAVE NEITHER THE TIME NOR INCLINATION TO PURSUE.

VAW-112 GOLDEN HAWKS.

THE HAWK, A NOBLE BIRD OF PREY, WITH EYES AS KEEN AS ANY IN THE ANIMAL KINGDOM. AH, BUT I FEAR, THESE PARTICULAR GOLDEN HAWKS ARE PRONE TO CATARACS OF THE MOST SEVERE NATURE. --FOR EVEN IN THE MOST PITCHED OF ARIAL BATTLES WHEREIN A VERITABLE ARMADA OF ENEMY AIRCRAFT IS BEARING DOWN ON THE FRIENDLY AIR PATROL, ONE IS GUARANTEED TO HEAR THE UNWAIVERING GOLDEN HAWK MANTRA CUTTING THROUGH THE DIN

"GHOST SHOWS PICTURE CLEAN".

VAQ-138 YELLOW JACKETS.

THE YELLOW JACKET A FORMIDABLE INSECT OF PREY WITH A DEADLY STING. PROMISING, BUT IF WEARING THIS CREST MEANS FLYING AROUND WITH YOUR PROBE FULLY EXPOSED FOR ALL TO SEE DAY AND NIGHT I WILL TAKE A PASS.

VFA-22 FIGHTING REDCOCKS.

THE REDCOCK A FEROCIOUS COMBATIVE CHICKEN SPLENDIDLY DEPICTED HERE IN FULL FURY. NOTE IF YOU WILL, THE NON-STANDARD ELONGATED CREST CLEARLY DESIGNED NOT ONLY TO STAND OUT FROM THE REST BUT ALSO TO HINT OF THE PHALLIC DUALITY OF THE VERY NAME RED COCK. NO OTHER CREST CAN COME THIS CLOSE TO CAPTURING THE FIGHTING SPIRIT AND CARNAL ESSENCE OF WARFARE AS DOES THIS. AND HENCE IT SHALL BE MY CREST.

1210 I FIND MY WAY TO THE EATERY TO TAKE SUSTENANCE. BUT ALAS, THE VILE NATURE OF THE RATIONS LEAVES ME TO WANT OF DIFFERENT FARE.
-- TO DIFFERENTIATE THE RICE FROM THE PRESSED POTATOES ONE IS LEFT WITH COLOR ALONE, FOR THE TEXTURES OF THE TWO ARE ONE IN THE SAME. --THE CHICKEN IS AS DRY AS THE SERENGETI AND THE BEEF SHOULD FEEL PRIVILEGED TO BE LABELED AS SUCH. --FOR DESSERT THERE ARE BRICKS OF DEHYDRATED CAKES, MUCH MORE SUITED FOR MASONRY THAN HUMAN CONSUMPTION. --WERE IT NOT FOR THE FROZEN CREAM MACHINE AND SPEEDWAY TREATS, THIS EATERY WOULD SURLY HAVE BEEN SAKED IN OPEN REBELLION BY ITS VIOLENTLY DISGRUNTLED PATRONS. --NEVERTHELESS, I PICK THROUGH THE OFFERINGS AND FIND ENOUGH SUBSTANCE TO WHET MY APPITITE BEFORE GORGING ON THREE SPEEDWAYS AND A GLASS OF CHOCOLATE FLAVORED COWS MILK.

1255 I AM AS SATIATED AS A BLOATED TICK

WHEN THE SANDMAN COMES TO VISIT, REMINDING ME OF THE NEED TO BEGIN MY OBIGATORY AFTERNOON RERACK.

1310 I FIND MY RACK AND BEGIN THE SLEEP PHASE OF THE NEVER ENDING EAT-SLEEP-EAT SLEEP CYCLE THAT IS THE ESSENCE OF MY EXISTENCE HERE ABOARD THE ILLUSTRIOUS CHUCKY V.

1525 I REAWAKEN AND AFTER NO LESS THAN 50 MINUTES OF NAVIGATING THROUGH THE WET WAX MAZE OF PARTIALLY AND FULLY BARRICADED CORRIDORS, I FIND MY WAY TO CVIC, WHERE MY BROTHERS IN ARMS ARE FEVERISHLY PLANNING FOR WAR. --TONIGHT WE WILL COMBINE AS A SINGLE LEGION PRESSING FORTH AS A SEAMLESS FULLY INTEGRATED FORCE TO RAIN FLAWLESSLY COORDINATED DEATH AND DESTRUCTION ON THE ENEMY. --OF COURSE, THIS TIME ON THE CHUCK V, THE WAR AND THE ENEMY ARE BOTH IMAGINARY, BUT NO MATTER. AS WARRIORS, WE WOULD MUCH RATHER PRETEND TO FIGHT AND WATCH FROM THE SIDELINES AS OTHERS THROW THEMSELVES INTO ACTUAL COMBAT, --LEAVING ACTUAL BATTLEFIELDS STREWN WITH TWISTED SMOULDERING CHUNKS OF THE ENEMIE'S REMAINS. COMING HOME AS HEROES TO THE ADULATIONS OF CHEERING CROWDS AND GRATEFUL LEADERS WHO BESTOW HEAPS OF MEDALS UPON THEIR CHESTS. --WHY ON EARTH WOULD WE WANT TO INDULGE IN SUCH TRIFLES? SO INSTEAD WE CARRY ON SMARTLY IN THE LAND OF MAKE BELIEVE HERE ON THE ILLUSTRIOUS CHUCKY V

1800 I DON BY ARMOR AND SET OUT TO MOUNT MY TRUSTY CRAFT IN THE TWILIGHT.

1900 WITH FIERY WIND AND A THUNDEROUS ROAR I FLING MY CRAFT INTO THE DARKENING SKIES, LEAVING BEHIND THE SAFETY OF THE ILLUSTRIOUS CHUCKY V, AND PLUNGING HEAD LONG INTO MOCK BATTLE WITH MY BROTHERS IN ARMS.

1945 I'M ANXIOUS TO JOIN THE FIGHT, BUT TO REACH THE BATTLEFIELD WE MUST FIRST FIND AND THEN DANCE WITH THE SADISTIC VIXEN KNOWN TO ALL AS THE IRON MAIDEN.

--THERE WERE TO BE THREE SUCH MAIDENS TO SERVICE OUR LUST FOR PETROL ON THIS NIGHT, THAT WAS THE PLAN, THIS IS REALITY AND 'TIS COMMON KNOWLEDGE THAT NEVER SHALL THE TWAIN MEET. ON THIS NIGHT THERE IS OF COURSE BUT ONE MAIDEN.

1950 THE SUN HAS LONG SINCE SET, LEAVING THE MOONLESS NIGHT SKY AS BLACK AND FOREBODING AS THE INSIDE OF MY ONE-MONTH-OLD CRUISE SOCK.

1951 I DON MY MAGIC SPECTACLES TURNING NIGHT INTO DAY AND LOOK OUT AT THE HORIZON AND SEE THE IRON MAIDEN IN THE DISTANCE.
-- HER TWINKLING BEACON FADES IN AND OUT OF VIEW AS SHE SCRIBES A GIANT CIRCLE IN THE SKY PAINSTAKINGLY ENSURING SHE TRAVERSES EACH AND EVERY THUNDERCLOUD IN THE FIRMAMENT, DRAGGING WITH HER THE DOZEN OR SO SUITORS CLAMORING FOR HER ATTENTION. --SHE IS BESET ON ALL SIDES BY THE TWINKLING LIGHTS OF THOSE DESPERATE FOR HER PRECIOUS CARGO AND I, LIKE THE MANY OTHERS AM ATTEMPTING TO PLACE MYSELF IN THAT SAME PIECE OF SPACE IN THE BLACK OF NIGHT, AND WAIT MY TURN TO EXPERIENCE NEAR DEATH WHILST MATING WITH THIS MERCILESS WENCH. --I PRAY TO THE GODS OF BIG SKY AND LITTLE AIRCRAFT THAT I WILL LIVE THROUGH THIS NIGHT AND RETURN SAFELY TO THE ILLUSTRIOUS CHUCKY V.

2010 BY SOME MIRACLE OF MIRACLES I SURVIVE THE IRON MAIDEN AND PRESS TO THE FIGHT. THERE I UNLEASH HELL'S FURY ON THE MOCK ENEMY, LEAVING THE MAKE BELIEVE BATTLEFIELD SCARRED WITH 500 POUNDS OF INERT BLUE DEATH.

2105 I SURVIVE A SECOND MATING WITH THE IRON MAIDEN AND I PRESS FOR HOME. I AM RELIEVED THAT I HAVE CHEATED DEATH YET AGAIN AND ALMOST LET OUT A SIGH OF RELIEF WHEN I REALIZE I'M NOT HOME YET. I HAVE YET TO SURVIVE AN APPROACH AND NIGHT ARRESTMENT ON THE ILLUSTRIOUS CHUCKY V.

2122 I CHECK IN WITH MARSHAL AND RECEIVE THE JOYOUS NEWS THAT THE WEATHER IS 500 OVERCAST, TWO MILES VISIBILITY WITH RAIN SHOWERS......

2130 I PUSH FROM MARSHAL AT THE APPOINTED HOUR. EVER SO DILIGENT IN MEETING, TO WITHIN A FRACTION, THE REQUIRED PARAMETERS OF THE TRIED AND TRUE CV-1 APPROACH. ... AH BUT HOW NAIVE AM I TO BELIEVE THAT SUCH A STANDARD APPROACH IS TO BE HAD WHILST RETURNING TO THE ILLUSTRIOUS CHUCKY V.

2131 MUCH TO MY DISMAY AND THAT OF MY BRETHREN AIRBORNE, APPROACH CONTROL INITIATES ITS PATENTED AND SEEMINGLY ENDLESS VOLLEY OF PUZZLING VECTORS AND AIRSPEED CHANGES, DESIGNED, I'M CONVINCED!, TO DEGENERATE AN OTHERWISE ORDERLY RECOVERY INTO A MAD CIRCUS OF BEDLAM AND BUFFOONERY. 2132 MOTHER IS IN A STARBOARD TURN FINAL BEARING 360. 2133 MOTHER IS IN A PORT TURN. FINAL BEARING 340.

2134 MOTHER IS YET AGAIN IN A STARBOARD TURN, FINAL BEARING 010!

-- I LOOK TO THE HEAVENS AND ASK IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS MERCIFUL

--IF THE ILLUSTRIOUS CHUCKY V IS TRULY MY MOTHER AND I HER CHILD, WHY THEN WOULD SHE SWING HER FINAL BEARING TO AND FRO LIKE A DOUBLE EDGED SWORD WIELDED BY SOME DEMENTED KNIGHT OF DEATH!!? THERE IS NO ANSWER FORTHCOMING FROM THE HEAVENS....AND I PRESS ON WITH MY APPROACH.

2134 AND 30 SECONDS THE CIRCUS IS IN FULL PANDEMONIUM AND I AM BUT ONE OF MANY HAPLESS HARLEQUINS TRAPPED IN A MANIACAL DANCE OF DEATH DIRECTED BY THE WRETCHED SADISTS WHO DWELL DEEP IN THE BOWELS OF THE ILLUSTRIOUS CHUCKY V

2135 I'VE MANAGED TO CLOSE WITHIN 4 MILES AND AM ASKED TO SAY MY NEEDLES....

-A DASTARDLY REQUEST FROM A HEARTLESS VILLAIN!
EVERYONE, TO A MAN, KNOWS THAT FOR THE PAST WEEK THERE WERE NO NEEDLES TO BE HAD AND WHY PRAY TELL SHOULD THIS NIGHT DIFFER FROM THE REST? "NEGATIVE NEEDLES" IS MY RESTRAINED REPLY

2135 AND 30 SECONDS I'M TOLD TO FLY THE BULLS EYE.
AS FATE WOULD HAVE IT, ON THIS NIGHT, MY OTHERWISE TRUSTY CRAFT IS FAILING TO PROVIDE ME WITH THIS OH SO BASIC OF NAVIGATIONAL NEEDS. NEGATIVE BULLS EYE IS THE SEETHING RESPONSE THAT ESCAPES THROUGH MY CLENCHED TEETH..

2136 I'M AT TWO MILES.
"TAKE CHERUBS 6 SURVEILLANCE APPROACH, MOTHER IS IN A PORT TURN FINAL BEARING 350." --ITS OH SO DARK AND ONLY THROUGH THE INCESSANT FLASHING OF MY STROBES DO I NOTICE I HAVE ACQUIRED AN UNINVITED WINGMAN.

THE GRIM REAPER HIMSELF,

HARBINGER OF DEATH, HAS TAKEN STATION JUST OFF MY STARBOARD WING. HE'S FLYING IN PERFECT PARADE POSITION! ---HIS CLOAK IS FLUTTERING IN THE BLACKNESS AND THE GLINT OF MY STROBES REFLECTS OFF THE CURVED BLADE OF HIS OUTSTRETCHED SCYTHE. --AROUND HIS WAIST ARE THE SHRUNKEN SKULLS OF COUNTLESS AVIATORS WHOSE SOULS WERE REAPED ON JUST SUCH A NIGHT . --"STAND BACK!" I CRY, "O BLACK ANGEL OF DEATH! YOU SHALL NOT HARVEST THIS SOUL TONIGHT!"

--I PUSH MY CRAFT TO THE VERY LIMITS OF ITS THRUST, TWISTING AND WHIRLING IN A DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO CHASE THAT MOST ELUSIVE FINAL BEARING! --I'M LIKE THE DEPRIVED INFANT OF A TEASINGLY CRUEL MOTHER DESPERATELY TRYING TO SECURE A SUCKLE ON AN EVER SO TANTALIZING AND VOLUPTUOUS LACTATING TEAT! --IT TAKES EVERY OUNCE OF MY WILL TO NOT KEY MY MICROPHONE AND TRANSMIT TO THE ENTIRE WORLD.. STOP......... "MAMA!" BUT I DIGRESS.

2136 AND 30 SECONDS FATE HAS SMILED ON ME AND I HEAR .... "LINED UP LEFT, WELL BELOW GLIDE SLOPE THREE QUARTERS OF A MILE CALL THE BALL." --I LOOK OUT AT THE BALL THROUGH THE BREAKING WEATHER AND NOTE IT IS AS CRIMSON AS A SETTING SUN; HOVERING EVER SO CONTENTEDLY AT THE BOTTOM OF THE LENS. --I SAY "666 HORNET BALL", FOR THAT IS ALL THAT COMES TO MIND AND I'M MET WITH THE REPLY.. "ROGER BALL 28 KNOTS AXIAL.... YOU'RE LOW." --WELL NO **** SHERLOCK! YOUR GRASP OF THE OBVIOUS DEFIES COMPREHENSION. --I ADD POWER TO LIFT THAT WILY ORB OFF ITS RED DUFF AND AM REWARDED WITH ITS AMBER ASCENSION TO ITS RIGHTFUL POSITION ON THE GREEN HORIZON OF THE DATUMS. --WITH THAT I BREATH A SIGH OF RELIEF, FORGETTING FOR JUST AN INSTANT THAT THIS IS AFTER ALL, THE ILLUSTRIOUS CHUCKY V AND THE BATTLE TO SURVIVE A NIGHT APPROACH IS FAR FAR FROM OVER.

2136 AND 40 SECONDS I'M IN THE MIDDLE, AND WELL INTO MY PATENTED STEVIE WONDER IMPESSION TO MATCH THE CHUCKY V DUTCH ROLL, WHEN THE PROVERBIAL ROOSTER'S TAIL OF THE BURBLE TAKES HOLD OF MY CRAFT AND BEGIS TO LIFT IT WELL ABOVE GLIDE SLOPE. I WATCH THE AMBER ORB MATCH MY EXCURSION AND SEE IT RISE TO THE LOFTY HEIGHT OF THREE AND ONE HALF DIAMETERS ABOVE THE DATUMS. I RAP MY THROTTLES AGAINST THE IDLE STOPS. HI TO LOW (HOLD LO NOTE) AND HOPE AGAINST HOPE THAT THAT GOLDEN ORB WILL BEGIN TO DESCEND BY THE TIME I REACH THE RAMP.

2136 AND 45 SECONDS MY PRAYERS ARE ANSWERED... IN TRIPLICATE AND THAT GOLDEN ORB BEGINS A PLUMMET FROM ITS VAUNTED POSITION WITH A SPEED THAT PROMISES TO HAVE IT AND ME RENDEZVOUS SOMEWHERE IN THE DEPTHS OF HELL.

THE BALL WAS FALLING FASTER THAN THE PROVERBIAL **** OFF A TALL MOOSE. AND BELIEVE YOU ME,ON THIS NIGHT THAT WRETCHED MOOSE HAS EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA.

BUT I DIGRESS.

2136 AND 46 SECONDS I SLAM THE THROTTLES INTO AFTERBURNER, LOW TO HIGH (HOLD HI NOTE).

BUT THE BALL WAS FALLING, AND NO AMOUNT OF IGNITED PETROL FORCED INTO THE AFTER SECTION OF MY SCREAMING ENGINES WAS TO STOP ITS RAPID DESCENT.

2136 AND 47 SECONDS AS I WATCH IN ABJECT HORROR, THE ONCE GOLDEN ORB AGAIN TURNS AN ANGRY CRIMSON AND THEN DISAPPEARS ON ITS MAD DASH TO HADES.

IN MY PERIPHERY THE GRIM REAPER BEGINS TAPPING HIS COLD BONY FINGER AGAINST THE RIGHT SIDE OF MY CANOPY.

TAP TAP TAP, TAP TAP TAP. HE IS DESPERATELY TRYING TO GAIN MY ATTENTION AND I JUST AS DESPERATE REFUSE TO GIVE IT.

2136 AND 48 SECONDS FATE SMILES UPON MY WRETCHED SOUL AND, MERCIFULLY, BY THE SCANTIEST OF MARGINS, MY CRAFT CLEARS THE RAMP AND AFTER A 130-FOOT HIGH-SPEED SPARK SPEWING TAXI, MY HOOKPOINT FINDS PURCHASE ON PENNANT NUMBER ONE! ...........

2136 AND 52 SECONDS, AFTER DISENGAGING MY CRAFT FROM THE WIRE, I TAXI FORWARD FOR WHAT SEEMS AN ETERNITY AND TURN RIGHT OUT OF THE LANDING AREA. MY HEART IS STILL RACING AND THE BEADS OF PERSPIRATION DOTTING MY FOREHEAD HAVE BEGUN TO MERGE IN TO RIVULETS OF SWEAT TRICKLING DOWN MY FACE.

2137 AFTER DEARMING MY PULSE BEGINS TO SLOW. I'M ALIVE. I HAVE SURVIVED. THE GRIM REAPER HAS BEEN DENIED THIS NIGHT.

2137 AND 10 SECONDS I AM DIRECTED TO TAXI FORWARD TO PARK MY CHARIOT FOR THE NIGHT. MY MIND IS NUMB.
-- EXHAUSTED FROM THE STRESS OF THE NIGHT'S ORDEAL I TAXI MINDLESSLY TOWARD THE YELLOW LIGHTS WAVING ME TO THE EXTREME FORWARD END OF THE SHIP. --IT IS STILL OH SO DARK AND MY DIRECTOR'S YELLOW WANDS APPEAR TO BE FLOATING IN THE BLACKNESS OF SPACE. --SOMEWHERE OUT THERE WHERE THE STEEL OF THE SHIP COMES TO AN ABRUPT END LEAVING 60 FEET OF NOTHINGNESS TO SEPARATE ME FROM THE MURKY DEPTHS OF A BRINY GRAVE.

2137 AND 25 SECONDS I HAVE REACHED WHAT I AM CERTAIN IS THE ABSOLUTE FORWARD END OF THE SHIP AND STILL THE YELLOW WANDS COAX ME EVER FORWARD. AGAINST MY SCREAMING INSTINCTS I FOLLOW MY DIRECTOR WHEN I NOTICE HIS WANDS HAVE THE OMINOUS BLACK BANDS OF A LOWLY TRAINEE.

I STRAIN TO FIND HIS TRAINER, DESPERATELY SEEKING SOME SCINTILLA OF REASSURANCE THAT MY VERY LIFE IS NOT SOLELY DEPENDANT ON THE LIMITED SKILL OF AN INEXPERIENCED DIRECTOR WHOSE SINGLE MOST MEMORABLE EVENT OF HIS ENTIRE LIFE THUS FAR IS HIS SENIOR PROM.

2137 AND 28 SECONDS MY FURTIVE SEARCH FOR A TRAINER PROVES FUTILE. I RESOLVE MYSELF TO THE FACT THAT I AM INDEED SOLELY AT THE MERCY OF AN INDIVIDUAL BARLEY BEYOND THE GRASP OF PUBESCENCE. I INCH FORWARD RIDING THE BRAKES OF MY CHARIOT UNTIL MY LEGS BEGIN TO SHAKE.

2137 AND 30 SECONDS THE BLACK BANDED WANDS STILL BECKON ME EVER FORWARD

WHEN FROM THE RIGHT SIDE OF MY CANOPY COMES THAT MOST DREADFUL OF SOUNDS TAP TAP TAP TAP TAP TAP.

-- IT'S THE GRIM REAPER ONCE AGAIN!

--HE HAS RETURNED AND RELUCTANTLY I TURN TO GAZE INTO THE EMPTY EYE SOCKETS OF HIS HOODED SKULL. --THROUGH THE CANOPY I CAN SEE THAT HE IS LAUGHING AND THROUGH HIS LIPLESS TOOTHY GRIN HE MOUTHS THE WORDS,

HEY BUDDY YOU'RE ****ED. TAXI ON FLYBOY.

2137 AND 33 SECONDS THERE IS NO DOUBT IN MY MIND THAT I AM ABOUT TO DIE WHEN THANKFULLY THE TRAINEE'S LEFT WAND SNAPS TOWARD THE DECK SIGNALING MY LONG AWAITED HARD RIGHT TURN. --WITH MY LEFT HAND CLUTCHING THE EJECTION HANDLE AND MY RIGHT HAND CRUSHING THE NWS BUTTON INTO WHAT I CALL THE EXTRA SUPER HI GAIN POSITION.

I USE THE TREMBLING QUADRICEPS AND BURNING CALVES OF MY RIGHT LEG TO PUSH THE RIGHT RUDDER TO ITS FULLEST THROW AND ATTEMPT TO PRESS THE RIGHT BRAKE THROUGH THE BULKHEAD.

2137 AND 35 SECONDS AS MY CHARIOT TURNS EVER SO SHARPLY AND SWINGS ME WELL OVER THE FRONT EDGE OF THE SHIP. A BEAD OF SWEAT RACES FROM THE SMALL OF MY BACK DOWN TOWARD THE CRACK OF MY ARSE.

REFLEXIVELY, I CLENCH MY SPHINCTER.

TO STEM THE FLOW OF THE WAYWARD PERSPIRATION AND INADVERTENTLY PINCH MY OH SO TENDER HEMORRHOID. --ALREADY AGGRAVATED FROM MY 3-HOUR FLIGHT, THIS ANNOYING SWOLLEN TISSUE HAS NOW BECOME A PULSATING BLOOD FILLED SACK RESEMBLING A MINIATURE VERSION OF A BOXER'S SPEED BAG.

BUT I DIGRESS.

I STIFLE AN INTENSE URGE TO URINATE ON MYSELF AS MY CHARIOT CLEARS THE TURN AND FINALLY, I TAXI TO MY DESIGNATED PARKING SPOT.

2140 I DISMOUNT MY TRUSTY CRAFT AND SCURRY TO SAFETY BELOW DECKS.

2200 I RETURN TO THE EATERY FOR MIDNIGHT RATIONS AND THERE SATIATE MY RAVENOUS APPETITE BY GORGING ON A GREASY CHOLESTEROL LADEN DOUBLE CHEESEBURGER GARNISHED WITH THREE FRIED EGGS AND A CHOCOLATE COW'S MILK CHASER.

2310 I RETIRE TO THE SANCTITY OF MY PRIMARY DUTY STATION..NAMELY MY RACK WHEREUPON I COMMENCE A SPIRITED ROUND OF CLOWN PUNCHING.

WITH THE STRESS OF THE DAY EFFECTIVELY DISCHARGED, I FALL INTO A MERCIFUL LONG-AWAITED SLUMBER SO DEEP AS TO APPROACH DEATH ITSELF.

THUS ENDS MY DAY ON THE ILLUSTRIOUS CHUCKY V.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THAT WAS VFA-22'S DIARY OF A DAY ON THE ILLUSTRIOUS CHUCKY V.

THANK YOU FOR JOINING ME TONIGHT. MY MUSICAL DIRECTOR HAS BEEN ERIK OTIS ANDERSON, ON GUITRAR ERIC SNAKE VENEMA, REY HADJI MOLINA AND JERRY DUTCH TRITZ ON THE PIPES, PETER PIPER QUINN.

IT HAS BEEN AN UTTER PLEASURE SHARING THIS FINE LITERARY WORK WITH YOU. UNTIL NEXT TIME, I REMAIN J KINGSTON III. GOOD EVENING.

 

[Kaman]

Not an original, but it is in the same vein...

When commencing this simulation, remember to lock yourself inside your house and board up all windows and doors with all friends and family outside. Communicate only with letters that your neighbor will hold up for four (or six) weeks before delivering, losing one out of every five. Have a bleary-eyed, overworked, disinterested slob yell "Mail Call!" at random intervals through one week of each month, only to tell you with a smirk, "You didn't get anything" nine out of ten times.
Surround yourself with people you would not choose to be with, roughly one person per squarre yard; those you do know, you don't like. Suggested choices are those who: chain smoke, fart loudly and often, snore like a steam locomotive on an uphill grade. Also, they must: complain incessantly, seldom shower and/or brush their teeth. Lastly, they must use expletives in speech like children use sugar on cereal. In-laws will do nicely.
Remove all radios and televisions to cut yourself off completely from the outside world but have a neighbor bring you last month's issues of Time, Newsweek, The Retired Officer, and Playboy (with all the photos cut out). On one lone monitor, located in the worst possible place, connect three channels. The first should play old TV shows that even a "normal" station won't play. The second channel plays eight movies a month, over and over and over. The last channel plays "Training" films on such engaging topics as: small engine repair, proper blender operation, paperwork routing procedures, etc. Each channel must randomly go off the air, preferably when there is finally something you wanted to watch.
Monitor all operating home appliances hourly, recording vital parameters (plugged in, light comes on as door is opened, etc.). If not in use, log as "SECURED." Make line drawing of all piping and electrical circuits.
Do not flush toilets for the first three days to simulate the smell of forty people using it. After that, flush and overflow once daily. At least every five days, post a sign stating "The Sewage System is Secured Until Further Notice." It is OK to forget to remove this sign. Shower water should be either hot or cold, when you have it at all. When you get all soaped up (soap on face or shampoo in hair), have neighbor turn off all water.
Wear only proper uniform attire or approved coveralls in designated areas (no special T-shirts or other clothing). Even though nobody cares, once a week, weather notwithstanding, clean and press one uniform (in the dark on a broken ironing board), go outside, and stand at attention for one half hour. After this, change back into coveralls (catch and rip the sleeve of your shirt on your way to change. Curse and yell, then wad it up and throw it back into your locker.)
Cut your hair weekly, making it shorter each time, until you are bald or you look as though you have tangled with a demented sheepshearer. Have on of your close quarters strangers tell you to get a haircut at least once a week, whether you need it or not.
Work in 18-hour cycles, sleeping only four hours at a time to ensure your body doesn't know or care it it's daytime or night. At random intervals, announce that you will either add or subtract an hour from the apparent time.
Listen to your favorite cassette six time a day for two weeks., then play music that causes nausea until you are glad to get back to your "favorite" cassette.
Cut a single bed in half lengthwise, and enclose three sides. Add a roof that prevents you from sitting in any position (18" is a good height). Replace the mattress with a steel plate and cover it with three inches of foam to duplicate a shipboard bunk. Place a dead animal under your bed to simulate the smell of your cubemate's sheets. Each "bed" should be equipped with: two sheets (with unidentifiable stains) that are twice the size of the mattress, one very scratchy wool blanket that is half the size of the mattress, one pillow that smells like dead, wet fowl, and one pillowcase (again with the same stains) that is about half the size of the pillow. Whenever possible, have someone take your pillow or blanket to instill a sense of camaraderie that exists on all US Naval vessels.
Rig up an alarm system that will go off at random interval for the first and last hour of your four-hour sleep period. This will simulate the various alarms of watchstanders going off at odd times, drills, and routine noise from inconsiderate people. So you will not get accustomed to ignoring your alarm clock, this alarm system should alternately sound like a fire alarm, police whistle, music you hate, or a plane landing overhead. Place your bed on a rocking table to ensure that you're tossed from side to side for the remaining three hours.
Nose-pickers and butt-scratchers should prepare all food while blindfolded, using all the spices that can be groped for (or none at all). Add salt. If the food (term used loosely) does not stick to an inverted plate when served cold, add more lard. Add more salt. If the food contains at least one part per thousand of fiber, dispose of it (unless it was mixed with a broom). Add more salt. Such food is traditionally eaten with eyes shut, nose plugged, and as fast as is humanly possible. Also a tradition, always take more than you can possibly eat. Beat your plate enthusiastically against the side of the trash can when disposing of your leftovers. Have week-old fruit and vegetables delivered to your garage between two and four in the morning by police helicopter, and wait two weeks before eating them.
Periodically have a neighbor shut off power at the main breaker and send a muscle-bound seventeen year old psychopath with a funny haircut and loaded rifle (simulated Marine) running through you house, repeatedly yelling at the top of his lungs "Get Down! Get Down!" If, at this point, you don't lie face down on the floor with your hands on top of your head fast enough, you will be beaten to a pulp while the psychopath screams "Don't Move!" This should last for at least twenty minutes.
Buy a gas mask, smear the seal with rancid animal fat, and scrub the faceplate with steel wool until you can't see out of it. Wear it for two hours every fifth day, even to the bathroom.
Have a neighbor prepare an emergency (i.e. burn down your house) that will require you to evacuate the premises, knowing that if you exit, a biker gang you hired (simulating sharks) will cut off your arms and legs. To ensure readiness for such a contingency, randomly start small fires and practice putting them out. Study an ancient first aid book to treat any wounds that may occur. If none occur, ask for volunteers.
Study the owners manual for all appliances in the dwelling. If you don't have a manual, have someone who knows nothing about the item write one. At regular intervals, take each one apart and put it back together again, then test operate it at the extreme limit of its tolerances.
Buy 50 cases of toilet paper and lock up all but two rolls. Give the key to a friend going on vacation to Tierra del Fuego. Ensure one of the two rolls is wet all the time.
Remove all plants, pictures, and decorations (except vulgar photographs). Paint all furnishings gray, white, or hospital green. Use a special "fading" paint that will require you to do it all again in three months. Stencil everything with numbers.
Smash your forehead or shins with a hammer every two days to simulate hitting the knee-knockers and overhead while walking through the passageways.
To ensure a clean and happy environment, sweep and dust twice daily. Every week clean the house from top to bottom. Work hard all day (even if it's only a three hour job) repeating your efforts as often as possible. When finished, have someone inspect your work, criticizing as much as possible.
Twice a day (or more if there is no need) get everyone together in as small a room as possible (a closet or bathroom should do) and have a meeting to listen to someone tell you what you did all day.
Since you have no doctor, stock up on as many antacids, aspirin, Band-Aids, Robitussin, and suppositories as possible. These have been proven (by Navy corpsmen) to cure any disease known to Mankind. For major injuries (broken bones, etc), use Band-Aids and Motrin.
To achieve the permanent, smelly, gray, dingy looks in your clothes, have a plumber connect the washer directly to the sewer lines. Additionally, throw clothing in a dark corner for a few days before drying.
Every three weeks or so, go outside directly to the city slums, wearing your best clothes. Enter the raunchiest bar you can find and order their expensive beer. Drink as many as you can pour down in four hours, then hire a cab to return you by the longest route he can find. Tip the driver even though he doubled your fare. Lock yourself back in your dwelling for three more weeks.
For the final touches, run a blender at a constant high speed the entire time to simulate the constant whine of the ship's machinery. Also, have the biker gang you hired bang on the plumbing to simulate men working on other floors at all hours of the day or night.
This simulation must run a minimum of 90 days to be effective. The exact date of the end of the simulation will be changed no fewer than seven times without your knowledge. This is done to keep you guessing as to when you can hope to resume a semi-normal life, and in the hopes that it will screw up any plans you might like to make. On the last day of the simulation, remove the boards from the windows and doors but do not go outside. Have your loved ones stand across the street while you stand at attention for four hours and look at them (this simulates having duty on the day you return).
This guide was designed to assist those who would like to, but haven't had the opportunity or privilege to enjoy an extended period of time aboard a US Naval vessel.