Another motivational statement.

[VGULIN]

Here is the second draft to my motivational statement:
"Forty five years ago my parents fled Batista controlled Cuba in search of a better life here in the United States. They were able to create their own "American Dream" and have been able to send me to school and college, something that they themselves were unable to do. I now want to serve and give back to my country and afford others the opportunity of living in a peaceful, democratic country to others.

While at college I worked as a Resident Assistant with 90 females in my charge, while maintaining a 3.5 GPA. I have learned that to be a leader and an officer, one must trust one's own judgments as well as listen to others, including subordinates."

I want to add in this part but I'm not sure where: "I want to join the Navy because as a language student I feel that the Navy will be able to both use my skills as a native speaker of Spanish and will help me expand my knowledge of other languages and cultures."

It's a little wordy but I'm having trouble cutting it down and the placing it. What do you folks think?

 

[thull]

Here is the second draft to my motivational statement:
"Forty five years ago my parents fled Batista controlled Cuba in search of a better life here in the United States. They were able to create their own "American Dream" and have been able to send me to school and college, something that they themselves were unable to do. I now want to serve and give back to my country and do my part in affording others the opportunity of living in a peaceful, democratic society.

While at college I worked as a Resident Assistant with 90 females in my charge, while maintaining a 3.5 GPA. I have learned that to be a leader and an officer, one must trust one's own judgments as well as listen to others, including subordinates. Further, as a native Spanish speaker I believe my role as a leader could help bridge potential cultural differences, while serving in the Navy could expand my own linguistic and cultural knowledge in turn.

For these reasons, I can think of no better path than to earn a commission as an officer in the United States Navy. "

I want to add in this part but I'm not sure where: "I want to join the Navy because as a language student I feel that the Navy will be able to both use my skills as a native speaker of Spanish and will help me expand my knowledge of other languages and cultures."

It's a little wordy but I'm having trouble cutting it down and the placing it. What do you folks think?

hope that helps...good luck.

 

[VGULIN]

"As a Naval officer I will be able to use these leadership skills while learning others and my language skills" was what I came up with but that's a billion times sharper!

 

[thull]

Excellent! glad i could help..

Troy

 

[Spekkio]

"As a Naval officer I will be able to use these leadership skills while learning others and my language skills" was what I came up with but that's a billion times sharper!

This sentence is not saying what you want.

You want to say that you will have the opportunity use your current eadership and language skills as a Naval officer in addition to developing even better leadership abilities.

In your sentence now, the verb "learning" applies to both "others" and "my language skills." Haven't you already learned the language skills you possess?

 

[VGULIN]

This sentence is not saying what you want.

You want to say that you will have the opportunity use your current eadership and language skills as a Naval officer in addition to developing even better leadership abilities.

In your sentence now, the verb "learning" applies to both "others" and "my language skills." Haven't you already learned the language skills you possess?

I threw out that sentance that I wrote. I knew something was off but I wasn't sure what was wrong. Thanks for pointing it out!

 

[hasmith]

A Bit Ambiguous

Here is the second draft to my motivational statement:
They were able to create their own "American Dream" and have been able to send me to school and college, something that they themselves were unable to do.

This sentence is somewhat poorly constructed in my opinion. The point is you say (in the same sentence) "My parents were able to do something", and then immediately follow it with "Something they were unable to do". I understand the point, that they were able to send you to college, and not able to send themselves, but it doesn't read very well. Also it is pointless and redundant to write "they themselves".
Not trying to be harsh here.

 

[thenuge]

Here is the second draft to my motivational statement:
"Forty five years ago my parents fled Batista controlled Cuba in search of a better life here in the United States. They were able to create their own "American Dream" and have been able to send me to school and college, something that they themselves were unable to do. I now want to serve and give back to my country and afford others the opportunity of living in a peaceful, democratic country to others.

While at college I worked as a Resident Assistant with 90 females in my charge, while maintaining a 3.5 GPA. I have learned that to be a leader and an officer, one must trust one's own judgments as well as listen to others, including subordinates."

I want to add in this part but I'm not sure where: "I want to join the Navy because as a language student I feel that the Navy will be able to both use my skills as a native speaker of Spanish and will help me expand my knowledge of other languages and cultures."

It's a little wordy but I'm having trouble cutting it down and the placing it. What do you folks think?

I'd cut that down or omit completely. I understand the effect you want it to have but this is supposed to be about you. It's like if I started mine out talking about my parents accomplishments. If you mention, I would not start the paper with it either. AS for the thing you want to add at the end...either don't or reword it. Are you applying for intel? Even if you are, the navy relies on CT enlisted rates for the linguistics and such. There are a ton of native spanish speakers in the navy. Don't get me wrong, the Spanish will not hurt. Now, if you spoke Farsi or something...

If you do add it, are you a "language student" or a "native speaker?"

 

[VGULIN]

This sentence is somewhat poorly constructed in my opinion. The point is you say (in the same sentence) "My parents were able to do something", and then immediately follow it with "Something they were unable to do". I understand the point, that they were able to send you to college, and not able to send themselves, but it doesn't read very well. Also it is pointless and redundant to write "they themselves".
Not trying to be harsh here.

Don't want to spread blame BUT that was my fiance's suggestion! I kept telling him that something was off. And no that wasn't harsh. It's awkward, no two ways about it. I think I might just cut it out and say: "They were able to send me to college, when they didn't go to school" hmmm....

 

[VGULIN]

I'd cut that down or omit completely. I understand the effect you want it to have but this is supposed to be about you. It's like if I started mine out talking about my parents accomplishments. If you mention, I would not start the paper with it either. AS for the thing you want to add at the end...either don't or reword it. Are you applying for intel? Even if you are, the navy relies on CT enlisted rates for the linguistics and such. There are a ton of native spanish speakers in the navy. Now, if you spoke Farsi or something like that, it might help. If you do add it, are you a "language student" or a "native speaker?"

If you look above I did change that last sentance. I am applying for Intel/Crypto but I don't really understand what you're trying to say. They take enlisted for those positons? Because the way my recruiter said, it was a primarily officer position. Then again, he could have been telling me what I wanted to hear.
I say that I'm a language student because I'm also studying French but I figured that Spanish would be more valuable as opposed to French.