another motivational statement...

[Craiger]

i'm new to the site and i love the info, its been a huge help

so anyway, this is my first draft so please feel free to rip it apart if needed. thanx.

As I have gone through my years of high school and college, I was not too certain on the career path that was right for me. I have fully experienced Junior ROTC as well as some college ROTC, and from that experience the Navy seemed like the best choice, but I still wasn’t sure. I’ve had many experiences through upper level courses, traveling the world, different jobs, and interactions with many different people. I’ve used these experiences to analyze and research the career that fit me the best. I am now absolutely sure that a commission in the U.S. Navy is the right path for me. I love the Navy lifestyle, people, and everything it has to offer. Especially development of my leadership.
Leadership experience is something that I am very familiar with. As a team leader in the retail industry, I am responsible for some 20 – 30 people on a daily basis. I really enjoy leading my team and running a very efficient and profitable store, sometimes to triple digit sales increases. Along with work, I am a full time student and even find the time to work out six days a week. Stress and fatigue do happen, but I always push through to get the job done. This is just a small piece of my potential, and I know the Navy can really show me what I’m capable of.
I want to experience the world and develop my leadership to its fullest. I want to fulfill my incredibly strong need for success. I want to know that my life is important, is making a difference, and is filled with honor and pride. The Navy is the only thing that will do this for me.

 

[HAL Pilot]

First - Craiger this is directed at you specifically but at all applicants in general.

There seems to be a growing trend to post these statements for editing. Isn't this supposed to be YOUR motivational statement? I never knew it was supposed to be a group effort. I'm sure the idea behind it is to evaluate not only your motivation, but your communications and writing skills as well. Having someone else write or edit your statement is not a true reflection on you, your motivation or your writing skills.

Just my humble opinion.....

 

[robav8r]

First - Craiger this is directed at you specifically but at all applicants in general.

There seems to be a growing trend to post these statements for editing. Isn't this supposed to be YOUR motivational statement? I never knew it was supposed to be a group effort. I'm sure the idea behind it is to evaluate not only your motivation, but your communications and writing skills as well. Having someone else write or edit your statement is not a true reflection on you, your motivation or your writing skills.

Just my humble opinion.....

Could not agree more with HAL Pilot. I think it's OK to solicit general ideas and concepts, but if you want more than that, you probably should start paying folks an "editing" fee for being your english prof.

 

[Rocky3168]

Im getting sick of seeing "motivational Statements" and "OCC Class 'insert random number here' " posts everyday. Its like beating a dead horse. Ease up.

 

[skim]

i'm new to the site and i love the info, its been a huge help

so anyway, this is my first draft so please feel free to rip it apart if needed. thanx.

As I have gone through my years of high school and college, I was not too certain on the career path that was right for me. I have fully experienced Junior ROTC as well as some college ROTC, and from that experience the Navy seemed like the best choice, but I still wasn’t sure. I’ve had many experiences through upper level courses, traveling the world, different jobs, and interactions with many different people. I’ve used these experiences to analyze and research the career that fit me the best. I am now absolutely sure that a commission in the U.S. Navy is the right path for me. I love the Navy lifestyle, people, and everything it has to offer. Especially development of my leadership.
Leadership experience is something that I am very familiar with. As a team leader in the retail industry, I am responsible for some 20 – 30 people on a daily basis. I really enjoy leading my team and running a very efficient and profitable store, sometimes to triple digit sales increases. Along with work, I am a full time student and even find the time to work out six days a week. Stress and fatigue do happen, but I always push through to get the job done. This is just a small piece of my potential, and I know the Navy can really show me what I’m capable of.
I want to experience the world and develop my leadership to its fullest. I want to fulfill my incredibly strong need for success. I want to know that my life is important, is making a difference, and is filled with honor and pride. The Navy is the only thing that will do this for me.

I understand this is your first draft and to me it reads more like a good brainstorm. You point out some of your strong points but dont really emphasize them. The first paragraph is sort of a hodgepoge of what brought you to your decision. Clean it and be specific. Your second paragraph is the strong point. The third is the "I love the Navy" paragraph and there is nothing wrong with that but again be specific. Emphasize your traits and skills, why the navy needs you and what you can do for the navy. Sorry if this doesnt help much, im on cold medicine