Essay critique

[mattlittlej]

Hey gang,

I'm in the process of applying to OCS and am looking for some feedback on my essay. Please be as cutthroat as possible - any and all criticism will be taken into consideration. Thanks in advance.

Essay:

For as long as I can remember I have been fascinated by what we as a country have been able to accomplish when we set our sights on a goal, be it the first in flight, circumnavigating the globe, or stepping foot on the moon. It should be no coincidence that all of these involve taking to the skies, as flight has been humanity’s dream for centuries. As a child I had a love affair with aeronautics; most of my toys were planes, I could spend countless hours in aviation museums, and to this day I still drop by the Lone Star Flight Museum every time I go to Galveston in the summer. I have always stopped and gazed upwards when I saw a plane fly by, be it an ubiquitous Boeing 737 or something sleek akin to the F/A-18 Super Hornet.

Coupled with this fascination, I have always found myself to be a natural leader. Whenever there was an assignment in school I was always made the project lead, either by unanimous choice or habitually. Even today, I have found myself committed to leading others, no matter how miniscule the task. The satisfaction I received from leading a successful group project was rewarding, but more rewarding was the organic thankfulness and looks of gratitude I received from leading a group to help others, be it painting a gymnasium floor or taking lead on excavating a house with Habitat for Humanity.

However, I have always tried to fit myself to fit a professional mold built on expectations of others. After college I was expected to attend graduate school, and once I graduated from my master’s program I was expected to seek a profession in the private sector. While I still had the drive and desire to lead I did not feel the same exhilaration I did as when I was serving something larger than myself. I had always expressed interest in utilizing my skills in the Navy to honorably serve my country and now that the opportunity has presented itself I intend to take it.

I have always felt that true leadership can be achieved when you have the courage to lead selflessly. I know I can commit myself to this goal with my drive and skillset, which encourages continuous learning, teaching others, and doing so honorably in that others may follow your example. As a Navy Officer I will combine my appetite to learn and my desire to lead following the Navy’s values of Honor, Courage, and Commitment to proudly serve this country to the best of my abilities.

Ready to serve,

[Name goes here]

 

[McHale's Navy]

You need to be very specific on your leadership roles. "Be it" this or that is not going to cut it. It has to be, I led in X capacity for X period of time, which resulted in X. You mention your drive and skillset. What skills do you have? Again, be very specific. This last part is my personal opinion but, we already know what our core values are. You need to impress us with something we haven't heard before.

 

[Sonog]

Did you search for the essay critique thread? It's pretty big, and many essays have been critiqued by experienced Navy Officers in that thread and it should give you a very good idea of how to put together a good statement.

If you can't find it, basic strategy for good statements usually involves keeping it simple and stating why you would make a good officer (this is the most important part, you're applying to become an officer first, designator second). Back up your statements with more concrete facts and experiences. Use brief anecdotes. Your first paragraph shouldn't be entirely devoted to your fascination with aviation. Millions of people are fascinated with aviation, but that doesn't make them Navy officers, catch my drift? Just go find that thread.