Good chance?

[jfav313]

I was curious to know what some of you thought about my stats. Where I could improve and what is good or bad?
OAR-52
GPA:3.2
B.S. in Aeronautics
5 years Prior-Enlisted (E-5)
LORs: Director of Academics from my school, E-7 I worked for on the ship/ 0-4 I worked with on the ship.
Dual Warfare Qualified
Good evals/LPO at Sea
Age:29
Applying for SWO

 

[BusyBee604]

I was curious to know what some of you thought about my stats. Where I could improve and what is good or bad?
OAR-52
GPA:3.2
B.S. in Aeronautics
5 years Prior-Enlisted (E-5)
LORs: Director of Academics from my school, E-7 I worked for on the ship/ 0-4 I worked with on the ship.
Dual Warfare Qualified
Good evals/LPO at Sea
Age:29
Applying for SWO

1. GPA & OAR slightly above average. BS in Aeronautics a plus!
2. Could use 2-3 more LORs (your command XO or a DH?), a former Scout leader, or hometown official who knows you, other school Professors, etc.
3. Have you done any volunteer community projects?
4. Any HS/College sports, clubs, civilian leadership positions/experience?
BzB

 

[jfav313]

I'm going to try and contact my old CO. He's well known in the SWO community. Not much volunteer stuff, I was in serving in the Navy the past 5 years. I did a habitat for humanity at Fleet Week San Francisco. Played HS Basketball and Baseball. All-base Navy Basketball team in Spain and softball team.

 

[BusyBee604]

I'm going to try and contact my old CO. He's well known in the SWO community. Not much volunteer stuff, I was in serving in the Navy the past 5 years. I did a habitat for humanity at Fleet Week San Francisco. Played HS Basketball and Baseball. All-base Navy Basketball team in Spain and softball team.

That's good positive "stuff"... but if it isn't in your package, it should be?

 

[jfav313]

What do you think about my motivational statement?

My journey started over five years ago when I enlisted in the Navy to serve my country and carry on a family tradition. Navy pride was instilled in me at a very young age. Throughout my childhood, my grandfather was a proud WWII veteran and would tell me stories about him fighting onboard the USS Caswell during the war. He planted the seed in me and it has blossomed. My passion towards leading Sailors is a fire that won’t burn out. I love being out to sea and the camaraderie amongst shipmates. I believe this is my destiny; this is what I want to do with the rest of my life.

I’m ready to take on a role of greater responsibility in the Navy. It would be a privilege to use my God-given talents, experience and knowledge to better the Navy and lead the men and women that sacrifice so much, so that those who threaten our freedom are kept at bay. Leading Sailors to accomplish the mission and help them reach their own personal goals in life is my biggest motivation. I have no doubt that my training, education, experience, and knowledge would an absolute asset to the Navy. I’m confident that I’m ready to take on the challenges that come with being a Naval Officer. My leadership experience has ranged from being in charge of the airfield at Naval Station Rota, Spain, leading a division through the 2011 3M Certification onboard the USS Bonhomme Richard as the work center supervisor, to being the Leading Petty Officer (LPO) of OC Division on two ships. I’m passionate about being a Surface Warrant Officer because I have experience in the Surface Fleet and I want to be on the deck plates, leading Sailors. I’m positive that’s where I would serve the Navy best.

Hard work and dedication has brought me here. One of the many beautiful things about the Navy is that you truly control your own destiny. The kid painting the side of the ship may very well end up commanding that same ship one day through hard work and dedication. I believe that you should never forget where you came from and the people that helped you get there.

I believe I’m an excellent candidate to become a United States Naval Officer and it would be a privilege to serve my country with Honor, Courage and Commitment as a U.S. Naval Officer.

 

[DitchDigger]

First paragraph can be cut, maybe leave in one brief sentence about your grandfather's service motivating you, but also combine it with the rest of your motivation which seems to be mentoring sailors.

"Cut out I’m ready to take on a role of greater responsibility in the Navy. It would be a privilege to use my God-given talents, experience and knowledge to better the Navy and lead the men and women that sacrifice so much, so that those who threaten our freedom are kept at bay." I've gotta run to work, but I'll give some more input when I get home if you still need it.

 

[GISpirate12]

I believe I’m an excellent candidate to become a United States Naval Officer and it would be a privilege to serve my country with Honor, Courage and Commitment as a U.S. Naval Officer.

Take out the repetition. Otherwise, great statement! Best of luck to you!

 

[BusyBee604]

What do you think about my motivational statement?

I really like it with changes recommended by member posts above.

The young Sailor painting the side of the ship may very well end up commanding that same ship one day through hard work and dedication.

I like this sentence with change above. It reminds me of something my former "Chief of the Boat" (title then, of the top Chief of a submarine crew) told me, some 7 years after he wished me well as an E-5 leaving for flight training. Then a recently promoted LT, I bumped into him at NAS Norfolk. He snapped a smart salute, then said he was glad to see I was still alive. I laughed and assured the crusty old WWII Chief, that ALL Navy pilots don't crash! After a friendly chat he departed with the remark "I always said...Never kick a mess cook in the ass, he may someday be your Commanding Officer"!

BTW, when you were on the 'Bonnie Dick', did you work for ACC Gary Sartain? He left on deployment with BHR & returned last year on ESSEX, good friend of mine... now an ACCS at NAS Pax.

Good luck!
BzB

 

[jfav313]

Yes, I was Chief Sartain's LPO. A very good Chief and friend of mine. He went to war for me and I'll never forget that.

 

[jfav313]

Senior Sartain now, and well deserved.

 

[DitchDigger]

"I’m positive that’s where I would serve the Navy best." - This sentence could be cut out because you already show them this through your experience.



"I have no doubt that my training, education, experience, and knowledge would an absolute asset to the Navy." - This sentence is a summary of what you explain after it, maybe this could be placed in the second to last paragraph and make sure you touch on each of these points in the essay? Looks like you mentioned leadership experience and training/knowledge is a given, but maybe you can squeeze in some specifics about those as well as education that could give you a leg up. You probably went above and beyond expectations at some points during your career thus far.
"It would be a privilege to use my God-given talents, experience and knowledge to better the Navy and lead the men and women that sacrifice so much, so that those who threaten our freedom are kept at bay." I probably would avoid using the term 'God-given talents' as it may come off a bit arrogant to the board whereas you probably didn't mean it to come off like that. You also have a list going here again: 'talent, experience, and knowledge'. If you cut out some of the redundancies you can cram in more specifics about your accomplishments. Specifics catch reader attention better than generalities.

I hope some of the suggestions help. Sorry about the text being crammed together, can't seem to get this keypad working right.

 

[BeLikeMike]

You put "Surface Warrant Officer" in your statement, I'm guessing u meant "Surface Warfare Officer" right?

 

[jfav313]

Thank you, I'm glad you caught that...

 

[jfav313]

Thanks for all your help. My former C.O., a Chief of Staff at ESG-3 said he'd give me an interview, so that's good news. That should help me out a lot.