Stop the insanity of the manatee!!!
Few realize it but the manatee, with no known natural predators, is mankind's most direct threat. These creatures can weigh as much as a ton and can crush bones between their tremendous teeth! Unfortunately these creatures have persued an ongoing propaganda compaign since as early as the 1720's in which they present themselves as easy-going and fun-loving creatures that live in the coastal waters near Florida, Mexico, and South America and have even gained themselves the seemingly affectionate nick-name of "sea cow." No land-cow, to my knowledge, has ever tasted human flesh, but these "sea-cows" have been feared by sailors since man was first able to use a boat. Manatees are highly organized and militant and although usually their attacks are small and go by relatively unnoticed manatee attacks are rising exponentially in Colorado, British Columbia, and Palestine. We believe they may be preparing to stamp out humanity once and for all!
Manatees attack humans by sneaking up and biting them. Their saliva is a natural local anaesthetic so often their bites go entirely unnoticed. Using their enormous 2.7 meter fangs they inject their venom, unnoticed. Two to three weeks later the victim will begin to show signs of the toxin in their blood. Unfortunately, due to poor awareness of the effects of manatee toxin few victims seek treatment in time! The first signs are flu-like symptoms (coughing, aching, sneezing, fever, can't rest) which is followed by the sudden, and all too often unexpected, amputation of some or all of the victims limbs. This is followed by bleeding and sometimes death if not treated.
It is believed that manatees evolved this strange hunting practice in a wilder time when larger predators roamed the Earth and predators such as the manatee were unable to stay near their prey. The manatee could both hunt and effectively defend itself with this genetic advantage. But now the manatee only hunts for pleasure. No victim found has ever been suspected of being a manatee predator, and none have been found partially eaten. It is the distinct belief of this council of inquisitive scientists that, due to dehydration, the leader of the manatees, General Stark, has ordered his herd of mindless followers to destroy what his depraved mind sees as the enemy... humanity.
Save Humanity! Stop the Manatee!!!
-- Dr. Thomas Ignatius Poffenstuff
-- Director of Solaroceapharmacological Research
-- Winston University
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