motivational statement

[JIMMY]

Hey guys,

Just finished my first draft of my motivational statement. Anyone mind reading over it? Feel free to tear it apart. I will say I feel like it's vague... wish there wasnt a 400 word limit. (its at 399 words right now).
thanks for any help!

There are many reasons why I seek a commission in the United States Navy. If I were to put these reasons into 3 groups, I would say my aspirations of becoming a naval officer come from my love of country, a desire to lead, and the opportunity to work in a challenging environment.

There are some Americans that take the freedoms this great country offers them for granted. I am not one of those people. I am grateful to live in a country where the only limiting factor to what I can accomplish is myself and the amount of effort I put forth. When I look at our flag, it reminds me of all the sacrifices our servicemen and woman have made so that I, as well as others can be free to purse our goals and dreams. This makes me proud. And for this reason, I desire to give back to my country, so that my fellow American’s can continue to live their lives freely, and know that there are people out there who want to protect them.

I have had many opportunities to observe and experience what good and bad leadership is through my volunteer work with the Navy League of the United States. This experience has only strengthened my desire to lead others. With my first hand experience working with Naval and Marine officers, along with lessons learned from my various employment positions, I know I have what it takes to become a great leader. The Navy can offer me advanced leadership training, and I know I can produce advanced leadership skills.

The Navy also appeals to me because of its challenging work environment. Although I yearn to become a great naval aviator, I would be honored to lead in any capacity, knowing that I would be an officer first, constantly challenged, no matter what the community or designation. I have shown that I can excel in a challenging environment as evident by my last two years of college. During this time I maintained a 3.96 GPA, worked full-time, while also learning how to fly. This shows I not only have the ability to efficiently multi-task, but that I can also produce outstanding results while doing so. Such ability is essential of a naval officer.

It is for these reasons I seek a commission in the United States Navy.

I look forward to serving my country.

 

[NavyLonghorn]

Hey guys,

Just finished my first draft of my motivational statement. Anyone mind reading over it? Feel free to tear it apart. I will say I feel like it's vague... wish there wasnt a 400 word limit. (its at 399 words right now).
thanks for any help!

There are many reasons why I seek a commission in the United States Navy. If I were to put these reasons into 3 groups, I would say my aspirations of becoming a naval officer come from my love of country, a desire to lead, and the opportunity to work in a challenging environment.

There are some Americans that take the freedoms this great country offers them for granted. I am not one of those people. I am grateful to live in a country where the only limiting factor to what I can accomplish is myself and the amount of effort I put forth. When I look at our flag, it reminds me of all the sacrifices our servicemen and woman have made so that I, as well as others can be free to purse our goals and dreams. This makes me proud. And for this reason, I desire to give back to my country, so that my fellow American’s can continue to live their lives freely, and know that there are people out there who want to protect them.

I have had many opportunities to observe and experience what good and bad leadership is through my volunteer work with the Navy League of the United States. This experience has only strengthened my desire to lead others. With my first hand experience working with Naval and Marine officers, along with lessons learned from my various employment positions, I know I have what it takes to become a great leader. The Navy can offer me advanced leadership training, and I know I can produce advanced leadership skills.

The Navy also appeals to me because of its challenging work environment. Although I yearn to become a great naval aviator, I would be honored to lead in any capacity, knowing that I would be an officer first, constantly challenged, no matter what the community or designation. I have shown that I can excel in a challenging environment as evident by my last two years of college. During this time I maintained a 3.96 GPA, worked full-time, while also learning how to fly. This shows I not only have the ability to efficiently multi-task, but that I can also produce outstanding results while doing so. Such ability is essential of a naval officer.

It is for these reasons I seek a commission in the United States Navy.

I look forward to serving my country.

Just write what ya feel bro. Doesnt matter what we think.

 

[Brett327]

I know it's hard to avoid in a piece like this, but try to at least limit your use of the first person.

Brett

 

[JIMMY]

ya there sure are a lot of I's in there. thx guys

 

[Piperdriver]

You talk quite a bit about leading, you may want to mention a little about following and serving as well. There is more to being an officer than leading and being a leader.

 

[JTD]

"During this time I maintained a 3.96 GPA, worked full-time, while also learning how to fly. This shows I not only have the ability to efficiently multi-task, but that I can also produce outstanding results while doing so. Such ability is essential of a naval officer."

You may want them to draw their own conclusions as to how your credentials speak.


As for making it an even 400 words, instead of ending like this
"I look forward to serving my country."

try this: "I look foward to serving. Deal with it."
An even 400, done and done.

 

[jacksota]

There are some Americans that take the freedoms this great country offers them for granted. I am not one of those people. I am grateful to live in a country where the only limiting factor to what I can accomplish is myself and the amount of effort I put forth. When I look at our flag, it reminds me of all the sacrifices our servicemen and woman have made so that I, as well as others can be free to purse our goals and dreams. This makes me proud. And for this reason, I desire to give back to my country, so that my fellow American’s can continue to live their lives freely, and know that there are people out there who want to protect them.

change 'woman' to 'women' and 'purse' to 'pursue'

just trying to help

 

[JIMMY]

haha thx

 

[Cobra Commander]

Add this in:

You may be wondering.Hey Matt! How can I get BACK ON THE RIGHT TRACK?
(swing arms wildly)

Works every time

 

[nugget81]

"There are some Americans that take the freedoms this great country offers them for granted. I am not one of those people.

I have had many opportunities to observe and experience what good and bad leadership..."

Maintain positive language throughout the statement. These two statements stick out in my mind and I would change them or remove them completely. You only want your audience to have positive feelings and attitudes while reading your statement.

Also, just because you have 400 words to use does not mean that you must use all 400. I like short, sweet, and to the point...but that's my personal preference (my motivational statement was around 200 words). Best of luck!

 

[JIMMY]

thx for the help guys. and matt foley rocks!

 

[thull]

"There are some Americans that take the freedoms this great country offers them for granted. I am not one of those people.

I have had many opportunities to observe and experience what good and bad leadership..."

Maintain positive language throughout the statement. These two statements stick out in my mind and I would change them or remove them completely. You only want your audience to have positive feelings and attitudes while reading your statement.

Also, just because you have 400 words to use does not mean that you must use all 400. I like short, sweet, and to the point...but that's my personal preference (my motivational statement was around 200 words). Best of luck!

interesting..my app had a 100 word limit according to my OSO, which came out to basically two short paragraphs which totalled to 100 exactly (figured i'd follow my first "order" if they actually counted the words!). it was a tough fit, but I think these guys are looking to see how much you can say in how few words. Looking good though, Best of luck...

 

[greysword]

Why do you want to be an officer? You could satisfy all of your motivational goals by enlisting, so would that be acceptable?

What makes OCS and being an officer important? Can you fly as a Second Class Petty Officer?

What have you done for me lately? This means, what are you offering the Navy to buy your product? What makes you special enough to spend that much money on you?

Dig deep, I know it is in there. Get excited! Christmas morning after the new Star Wars action figures were just released excited! Think back to age 10 right before your birthday party excited. Tom Cruise on Oprah's couch excited!

Hope this helps.

 

[FLYMARINES]

Tom Cruise on Oprah's couch excited!

No, please don't be that excited. They will not accept you for being a homo.

 

[thull]

Alright, I'll just continue my editing streak..

Hey guys,

Just finished my first draft of my motivational statement. Anyone mind reading over it? Feel free to tear it apart. I will say I feel like it's vague... wish there wasnt a 400 word limit. (its at 399 words right now).
thanks for any help!

(There are many reasons why I seek a commission in the United States Navy. If I were to put these reasons into 3 groups, I would say -don't say any of this) My aspirations of becoming an officer in the United States Navy (come from) are born of my love of country, a desire to lead, and the opportunity to work in a challenging environment.

(There are some Americans that take the freedoms this great country offers them for granted. I am not one of those people.-don't say any of this) I am grateful to live in a country where the only limiting factor to what I can accomplish is (myself and don't say "myself and.." just say the amount of effort I put forth. When I look at our flag, I am reminded of (it reminds me of all) the sacrifices our servicemen and women have made so that (I, as well as others) all Americans can be free to pursue our goals and dreams. This makes me proud and instills within me a desire to give back to my country, so that my fellow American's (no apostrophe) can continue to live their lives freely, (and know) knowing that there are people out there who want to protect them.

I have had many opportunities to observe and experience what good and bad leadership is through my volunteer work with the Navy League of the United States. This experience has only strengthened my desire to lead others. With my first hand experience working with Naval and Marine officers, along with lessons learned from my various employment positions, I know I have what it takes to become a great leader. The Navy can offer me advanced leadership training, and I know I can produce advanced leadership skills.

The Navy also appeals to me because of its challenging work environment. Although I yearn to become a great naval aviator, I would be honored to lead in any capacity, knowing that I would be an officer first, constantly challenged, no matter what the community or designation. I have shown that I can excel in a challenging environment as evident by my last two years of college, during which time I maintained a 3.96 GPA, held a full-time job, and learned how to fly. (This shows I not only have the ability to efficiently multi-task, but that I can also produce outstanding results while doing so. Such ability is essential of a naval officer.let them figure this out)


briefly tie it together: "Having thrived on the challenges of leading and multi-tasking, I am eager to continue mastering these challenges in the capacity of service to my country.

It is for these reasons I seek a commission in the United States Navy.

(I look forward to serving my country.) said

that's a start...

Troy