motivational statement

[themongol]

please review my motivational statement. any comment is appreciated.

I am seeking a commission in the United States Navy because I wanted to have an opportunity to serve my country. As I grew older and wiser, I realized that my country has given me so much. My family came here from Vietnam with little money in our pockets. The United States helped my parents financially while they began looking for jobs and gave my brother and sisters great educational opportunities. This county has given my family so much freedom and opportunity that I feel obligated to give back to my country. For the reasons above, I joined the National Guard during high school but I dropped out during DEP because I felt it was not the right job and time for me. After some research, I felt that the Navy was the best fit for me to serve my country.
Another reason I’m seeking a commission is self improvement through leadership training and experience in the Navy. I immediately wanted to be a Navy officer after a two-day tour around several Navy bases. I loved the structured and disciplined environment of the Navy. This was the kind of environment I wanted to be a part of. I had a chance to meet and interact with other officer candidates. I was impressed by the level of maturity and intelligence that they possessed. I know that working with these highly driven individuals will make me a better person. I was even more impressed by the Navy officers who were in charge of the tour. They showed high level of maturity, poise, and confidence. They possessed many qualities that I wished to have.
One of the main reasons that I wanted to be in the Navy is that the Navy allows me travel all over the world, experiencing new cultures expanding my horizon as part of the job. In addition, I would be able to help my parents financially and work with some of the most highly driven and motivated people in the world. There is a lot of hard work and challenges in being a Navy Officer but I’m ready to face any obstacle that lies ahead. I will take great pride and honor being a Navy Officer in the most powerful Navy in the modern world.

Mongol.

 

[Schnugg]

I joined the National Guard during high school but I dropped out during DEP because I felt it was not the right job and time for me.

This part doesn't shout motivated at me.

 

[kaysee]

I really liked your motivational statement. About being in the National Guard and dropping out...do you have to mention that you dropped out and why? If you don't have to, maybe you can take that out. Instead of "dropped out," maybe you can say you "resigned" due to possibly school (like needing to focus on your studies) or other extracurricular activities. But overall, I liked your motivational statement.

 

[skim]

please review my motivational statement. any comment is appreciated.

I am seeking a commission in the United States Navy because I wanted to have an opportunity to serve my country. As I grew older and wiser, I realized that my country has given me so much. My family came here from Vietnam with little money in our pockets. The United States helped my parents financially while they began looking for jobs and gave my brother and sisters great educational opportunities. This county has given my family so much freedom and opportunity that I feel obligated to give back to my country. For the reasons above, I joined the National Guard during high school but I dropped out during DEP because I felt it was not the right job and time for me(lose this line). After some research, I felt that the Navy was the best fit for me to serve my country.
Another reason (omit)I am seeking a commission for self improvement through leadership training and experience in the Navy. I immediately wanted to be a Navy officer after a two-day tour around several Navy bases. I loved the structured and disciplined environment of the Navy. This was the kind of environment I wanted to be a part of. I had a chance to meet and interact with other officer candidates. I was impressed by the level of maturity and intelligence that they possessed. I know that working with these highly driven individuals will make me a better person. I was even more impressed by the Navy officers who were in charge of the tour. They showed high level of maturity, poise, and confidence. They possessed many qualities that I wished to have.
One of the main reasons that I wanted to be in the Navy is that (omit)The Navy will allow me to travel all over the world, experiencing new cultures and expanding my horizon as part of the job. In addition, I would be able to help my parents financially and work with some of the most highly driven and motivated people in the world. There is a lot of hard work and challenges in being a Navy Officer and I am ready to face any obstacle that lies ahead. I will take great pride and honor being a Navy Officer in the most powerful Navy in the modern world.
Mongol.

I hope this helps

 

[themongol]

Thank you for all the great inputs.
Skim, I feel that that I should mention about me joining the National Guard because it shows that I truly want to serve my country. It is just worded badly by mentioning "dropping out", "not the right job", and "not the right time". How should i make the sentence better?

 

[USMC_NA]

don't even mention the national guard. just tell em where you're headed

 

[llc21]

please review my motivational statement. any comment is appreciated.

I am seeking a commission in the United States Navy because I wanted to have an opportunity to serve my country. As I grew older and wiser, I realized that my country has given me so much. My family came here from Vietnam with little money in our pockets. The United States helped my parents financially while they began looking for jobs and gave my brother and sisters great educational opportunities. This country has given my family so much freedom and opportunity that I feel obligated to give back to my country. For the reasons above, I joined the National Guard during high school but I dropped out during DEP because I felt it was not the right job and time for me. After some research, I felt that the Navy was the best fit for me to serve my country.
Another reason I’m seeking a commission is self improvement through leadership training and experience in the Navy. I immediately wanted to be a Naval Officer after a two-day tour around several Navy bases. I loved the structured and disciplined environment of the Navy. This was the kind of environment I wanted to be a part of. I had a chance to meet and interact with other officer candidates. I was impressed by the level of maturity and intelligence that they possessed. I know that working with these highly driven individuals will make me a better person. I was even more impressed by the Navy officers who were in charge of the tour. They showed high level of maturity, poise, and confidence. They possessed many qualities that I wished to have.
One of the main reasons that I wanted to be in the Navy is that the Navy allows me travel all over the world, experiencing new cultures expanding my horizon as part of the job. In addition, I would be able to help my parents financially and work with some of the most highly driven and motivated people in the world. There is a lot of hard work and challenges in being a Naval Officer but I’m ready to face any obstacle that lies ahead. I will take great pride and honor being a Naval Officer in the most powerful Navy in the modern world.

Mongol.

I think Naval sounds better, but what do I know. Looks good

 

[BackOrdered]

It doesn't say enough about you IMO.

 

[Cordespc]

I strongly advise changing the theme of the statement to present tense vice past tense. Instead of "I wanted, I had, I was", use "I want, I am , I will." Also, a critical part- I know you mentioned traveling the world, experiencing different cultures, etc. Where do you mention the part about fvckng killing our country's enemies? Is that not what your primary purpose will be? Given that our country is at war, the GWOT is due some mention IMO. Definitely lose the Nat'l guard stuff.

Rgds.

 

[skim]

Thank you for all the great inputs.
Skim, I feel that that I should mention about me joining the National Guard because it shows that I truly want to serve my country. It is just worded badly by mentioning "dropping out", "not the right job", and "not the right time". How should i make the sentence better?

If you must mention the National Guard, dont say that you dropped out cause it wasnt what you want but instead say something along the lines of "I decided to join the National Guard but realized that receiving a college education would open more doors for me to serve my country". Or something like that. Fluff it up a bit, but I feel that if it takes this much time and effort to fix the line then leave it out. Make sure you get rid or your "Another reason and another reason" at the beginning or your paragraphs.

 

[themongol]

thank you for all the hlep people. i appreciate it.