New here and need some advice on my essay.

[recnepssirhc]

What do you think so far? Here is my essay that I've been working on for just the past couple hours. It's only a rough draft of course, so please please please criticize if you have any concerns, because I really want to make this thing absolutely perfect. I'm serious, hit me with it.

Discuss your reasons for wanting to become a Naval Officer.

" I want to become a Naval Officer solely to improve myself both physically and mentally and to serve my country while having a stable future ready for me after graduation. Already do I have the traits to become a leader, but to progress and have the ability to become the best at what I can be is my main purpose. From my hobby of skateboarding of falling down and getting back up, to the many personal practices for recreational baseball in order to become better, I have the passion and motivational drive to accomplish tasks and follow through them. I believe, the rigorous processes a Naval Officer will have to pursue, will advance me even more on the road to success. Applying teamwork qualities with fellow-minded men and women continues my dedication, to be apart of a force that is there to protect the people, including our families and friends. I think it’s superb that graduating from the NROTC already grants you the decision of what you’re going to do, rather than having to worry about what the next step after college is like most graduates.

My parents are unquestionably the number one role models in my life that have inspired me to become a Naval Officer of the United States. As a Retired Navy Chief Petty Officer, my father has helped guide and profoundly set me on a path for success to achieve leadership qualities. As an Accountant for the Navy Exchange, my mother has taught me to be responsible by planning ahead, to be organized, and to always exceed given expectations. Time after time, my father tells me stories about viewing the world around us, visiting other countries and experiences their cultures. This has always interested me because I’ve always wanted to travel the world. I would consider it a great honor to be able to follow through their footsteps, acquiring their characteristics, but there's more to my decision than just that. I am not pursuing a career as a Naval Officer without any knowledge stating that I have done countless hours of research on this career choice, and the more I research about becoming a Naval Officer, the more it makes me strive to accomplish my goal to become one. Hopefully someday, I can proudly call myself a Naval Officer of the United States.

"

 

[Will_T]

Welcome Aboard,
and good luck with your nrotc application, im waiting on news from mine too.
Also, it seems like you used alot of big words in a forced way, and used some words like "awesome", which could be upgraded to nicer words.
Other then that, it seems to me like your essay is good, it sounds sincere (as im sure it is), and it looks like you want it. good luck,
Will.

 

[recnepssirhc]

Welcome Aboard,
and good luck with your nrotc application, im waiting on news from mine too.
Also, it seems like you used alot of big words in a forced way, and used some words like "awesome", which could be upgraded to nicer words.
Other then that, it seems to me like your essay is good, it sounds sincere (as im sure it is), and it looks like you want it. good luck,
Will.

Thanks. Yeah, after reading a couple times, I think maybe I should cut down a little bit and maybe using a little more, I guess you cou say, "baby" words so it doesn't seem like I'm forcing it too much to make it look super impressive. Hmm..

 

[Will_T]

Yea, don't try and jam your intelligence down their throats, show dont tell. If you want, Ill PM you my essay, or maybe ill post it here, and you can take a look. Not that mine is an example of what to do either.

 

[recnepssirhc]

Yeah true. Maybe I just got carried away to where I just want to impress them so much.. haha.

 

[cpwhit1]

FYI - There is a thread already created for this specific reason entitled "Motivational Statement". You might have more luck there.

Good Luck

 

[Will_T]

here it is anyway:
I made a promise to myself a long time ago that I wouldn’t just be another person working at a desk, accomplishing nothing significant, that I wanted to be someone, someone who earned a degree of respect for the things they did.
In order to fulfill this promise to myself, I believed that I needed to do something with my life that was not only important, but also meshed with my beliefs about my family, my god, and my country so that I could perform to the best of my abilities. I needed to accomplish something that would help me to become a better person, a person who is willing to sacrifice for the greater good. I then happened upon the quote by John Fitzgerald Kennedy, “Ask not what your country can do for you - ask what you can do for your country”. After reading this quote, I knew that becoming a member of our nation’s military service was the best way to give more to my country then I received.
The next question I faced was which service to join. It didn’t take me long, however, as my fascination with the naval history had already been established, and the long conversations I had with my great-uncle and family friends who had been in the Navy convinced me that the U.S. Navy was the only way to go. Of all the people I have spoken with, not one of them had a single negative thing to say about the Navy, and that joining the Navy would give me the tools to succeed. And I knew that being an Officer would prepare me to not only lead effectively within the Navy, but outside as well, creating a better person.
In conclusion, becoming a Naval Officer is the best opportunity for me to not only serve my country, but also to obtain the tools needed to become the best civilian, leader and person I can be.


So while it definitely could have been better, and maybe more self-serving, I feel that it is true and from the heart. So, we shall see, wont we.
Anyway, good luck again, any questions, PM me and ill answer. Remember, get your application and interview in and done asap, and start working out now. Dont put off for tomorrow what can be started today.
good luck.
Will.

 

[recnepssirhc]

Hmm, I like how you used a quote in there. Very good job. I mean, it could be worse ya know? Nothing is ever perfect. I think your essay is simply great and very sincere and should have no problem being accepted. Good luck, and surely if I do have more questions, I'll PM you. Thanks!

 

[m26]

Great essay

Excellent work, Will.

 

[P3 F0]

Is this our standard these days for an "excellent" applicant's essay? Because it's kind of a mess. Grammar, word usage, sentence structure... they're a bit out of whack. There's even some Yoda-speak in there. But if guys that have been accepted recently say it's ok, then I'll keep my mouth shut.

 

[Will_T]

Is this our standard these days for an "excellent" applicant's essay? Because it's kind of a mess. Grammar, word usage, sentence structure... they're a bit out of whack. There's even some Yoda-speak in there. But if guys that have been accepted recently say it's ok, then I'll keep my mouth shut.

I didnt realize that my essay was that bad, I mean I know it has some grammer/structure issues, but I didnt think it was that bad overall.

 

[P3 F0]

The reason I asked the question was because I'm really not sure what the standard is these days. My gut says that anyone telling you this essay is "excellent" is a douchebag. Even if the board that reads this essay doesn't care about the issues I've outlined, it's extremely poor headwork to submit a product that someone can easily find fault with.

Are you hoping to impress them with your message and get a pass on the other problems? Why not just put some more effort into it and fix the errors? You're in high school. There are English teachers thirty second's walk from you for six hours five days a week. Have them check it. I'm sure they'd be happy to.

Because here's the rub, and people that struggle with writing never seem to grasp this: you communicate your message so much more effectively when it's written well. I know I had to struggle a bit while reading yours, and in the back of my mind I kept having this recurring thought that the message is fine, but it's coming from someone that never took the time to understand proper comma usage. Honestly, your essay reads like it's coming from someone that rarely reads books, or that speaks English as a second language.

Again, I have no idea how important a part the essay plays in your package. If it's not a big deal, then I guess disregard what I'm saying. But I still think it's poor form to submit anything that's not your best to people that you want to impress.

 

[m26]

Is this our standard these days for an "excellent" applicant's essay? Because it's kind of a mess. Grammar, word usage, sentence structure... they're a bit out of whack.

Although I agree that the structure needs revision, I have read almost all of the motivational statements posted over the past few months, and in my opinion this is the standard (or very close to it). Take that for what you will.

That said, you are absolutely right that there is not piece of writing that cannot be made better by the clear, correct use of proper grammar, and this essay is no different.

I kept having this recurring thought that the message is fine, but it's coming from someone that never took the time to understand proper comma usage.

Maybe my standards are a little low, but nobody seems capable of proper comma use these days. Even I have to check OWL sometimes when I'm writing formally. Properly punctuated essays seem to be the exception, not the rule.

 

[rondebmar]

Oh. My. God.

I can only hope the OP is a troll...

 

[recnepssirhc]

^ Aw, why is that?

Well I've decided to rearrange and just start over basically. So heres attempt #2:

Prompt: Discuss your reasons for wanting to become a Naval Officer.

I want to become a Naval Officer to improve my self by obtaining more leadership qualities, to serve my country to its fullest, and to physically and mentally challenge myself. I am young and naive and willing to take on the risks of which will transform and mold myself into a lifestyle full of honor and utmost respect.

I believe by becoming a Naval Officer will only serve to better myself as a person. Serving in the Navy as an Officer will provide me with certain valuable life and leadership qualities that cannot be obtained else where. The discipline and professionalism make the military more unique and more interesting than other occupations. The rigorous mental and physical training a Naval Officer will have to pursue will only make me a better person physically, mentally, and morally.

Also, I want to become a Naval Officer because I want to serve my country. I believe there is nothing more honorable than serving one's country in the military. I want to be able to lead a group of bright, hard-working Sailors toward achievements that will make a difference in their lives. Not only am I serving for our country but I am doing it with like-minded men and women, which continues my dedication, to be a part of a force that protects our freedoms and our rights.

Finally, I want to become a Naval Officer because of the challenge. I know by becoming a Naval Officer will push me to my breaking point resulting in myself becoming the best that I can be. I know it will make me go beyond the limits of what a person can only think is impossible. I will be acquiring lightening-fast decision making skills and important responsibilities, hopefully to better the lives of others and myself. But in the end, I know it will all be worth it because while having the respect and honor for others and myself, I will be able to look back and say, “I did it” and proudly call myself a United States Naval Officer.