Dual Military with kids

[FormerRecruitingGuru]

Would they likely move him to a bigger base (Norfolk or something) if I get stationed there? We’ve already spent a significant amount of time away from each other (long story). Basically because I needed to finish my degree. The more we moved, the more I got behind. So, I’m here until I graduate in May, and he’s in Mayport about 3 hours from us. He comes home usually every weekend or every other. I know it would be a huge sacrifice. I understand. I just worry about the kids and the co location.

I would highly highly discourage the dual-mil process at this time. There's no guarantee the Navy will have availablity in Mayport for a first tour SWO and they're likely not going to early release your husband's orders to move to Norfolk, San Diego, etc. wherever you may be.

SWO life isn't for everyone. You will be going out to sea/deployments and when in port, there will be late nights, early days and even some weekends working or on duty.

 

[Pags]

I can't imagine dual mil with kids working out well for your mutual careers or for your kids. At some point you'll both end up on sea duty and then what? Hope Grandma and Grandpa can cover down for 6+months? I can't imagine that USN could manage to keep you guys off of sea duty at the same time and still on your mutual career tracks. To say nothing of the strains on the kids.

 

[AllAmerican75]

I was Mil-Mil and know a few Mil-Mil and here are my $0.02:

1. Colo works differently for Officers versus enlisted. As an officer, your timeline for hitting career milestones is much tighter and there are fewer positions. If you go SWO, you will likely be gone most of your first 4 years at sea in order to get necessary qualifications and meet career milestones. Because of the need to manage your career, you will likely have to make very serious decisions about which ships and duty stations to choose in order to progress. Remember that you have a maximum of ten years to make O4 or you'll get booted from the Navy.

2. You or your husband will likely need to geobach at some point. You need to decide if y'all are okay with that and if either of you are okay being a single parent, even on sea duty. The SWO community is not very forgiving when it comes to making exceptions for families; this is one of the big drivers for why so many leave the community. Again, this is driven by the need to hit career milestones in order to make you qualified for O5 command around the 15-16 year mark.

3. If you are Officer-Enlisted, there is a high likelihood that his detailer and yours will not talk to each other. I've only seen this work well within relationships where the officer is AD and the enlisted spouse is in the Reserves, or the officer is a prior-E chief and now an LDO or CWO and the spouse is a Chief. This will make things much more flexible and increase the likelihood that communication channels will remain open. Again, this is driven by the fact that PERS-41 doesn't much care about enlisted detailing and is focused on making you eligible for O5 command.

4. Before making the decision I would recommend contacting the PERS-41 community manager and detailers and getting their opinions.

5. Eventually, you and your husband will have to make the decision about who's career comes first. Unless you never want to see each other or live together, you will eventually need to make the decision about who takes the less favorable duty assignment that propels their career forward and who takes the non-career-enhancing duty. Because of how tightly you need to manage your career as an officer, you will probably take the front seat. You need to have a serious discussion about whether you and your husband are willing to put your career first. This means that he will likely lose a lot of autonomy when selecting orders as the needs of your career will HAVE to come first.

From my own experience and what I've seen, the SWO community is extremely hard on Mil-Mil folks and is not forgiving when it comes to colocation. I think it played a major factor in the demise of my own marriage as well as many others. As you might imagine, I would not recommend both of you being on Active Duty as Mil-Mil. If you are intent on re-joining the Navy, I would recommend one of you being in the Reserves.

EDIT: Forgot to mention that as an officer you will need to get a Master's Degree at some point in order to make O5. The best option is to go to the Naval Postgraduate School, the next best is to do the split shore duty option, and the worst is to do night school and/or distance learning. As far as I know, there are ZERO CS billets in or around Monterey. If you choose the DL option, most people get an MBA from a degree mill which check the box but are worthless outside of the military.

 

[Suberov]

I was Mil-Mil and know a few Mil-Mil and here are my $0.02:

1. Colo works differently for Officers versus enlisted. As an officer, your timeline for hitting career milestones is much tighter and there are fewer positions. If you go SWO, you will likely be gone most of your first 4 years at sea in order to get necessary qualifications and meet career milestones. Because of the need to manage your career, you will likely have to make very serious decisions about which ships and duty stations to choose in order to progress. Remember that you have a maximum of ten years to make O4 or you'll get booted from the Navy.

2. You or your husband will likely need to geobach at some point. You need to decide if y'all are okay with that and if either of you are okay being a single parent, even on sea duty. The SWO community is not very forgiving when it comes to making exceptions for families; this is one of the big drivers for why so many leave the community. Again, this is driven by the need to hit career milestones in order to make you qualified for O5 command around the 15-16 year mark.

3. If you are Officer-Enlisted, there is a high likelihood that his detailer and yours will not talk to each other. I've only seen this work well within relationships where the officer is AD and the enlisted spouse is in the Reserves, or the officer is a prior-E chief and now an LDO or CWO and the spouse is a Chief. This will make things much more flexible and increase the likelihood that communication channels will remain open. Again, this is driven by the fact that PERS-41 doesn't much care about enlisted detailing and is focused on making you eligible for O5 command.

4. Before making the decision I would recommend contacting the PERS-41 community manager and detailers and getting their opinions.

5. Eventually, you and your husband will have to make the decision about who's career comes first. Unless you never want to see each other or live together, you will eventually need to make the decision about who takes the less favorable duty assignment that propels their career forward and who takes the non-career-enhancing duty. Because of how tightly you need to manage your career as an officer, you will probably take the front seat. You need to have a serious discussion about whether you and your husband are willing to put your career first. This means that he will likely lose a lot of autonomy when selecting orders as the needs of your career will HAVE to come first.

From my own experience and what I've seen, the SWO community is extremely hard on Mil-Mil folks and is not forgiving when it comes to colocation. I think it played a major factor in the demise of my own marriage as well as many others. As you might imagine, I would not recommend both of you being on Active Duty as Mil-Mil. If you are intent on re-joining the Navy, I would recommend one of you being in the Reserves.

EDIT: Forgot to mention that as an officer you will need to get a Master's Degree at some point in order to make O5. The best option is to go to the Naval Postgraduate School, the next best is to do the split shore duty option, and the worst is to do night school and/or distance learning. As far as I know, there are ZERO CS billets in or around Monterey. If you choose the DL option, most people get an MBA from a degree mill which check the box but are worthless outside of the military.

Couldn't agree more with the bits about speaking with the community management. I did O/E colos for sailors but never had an opportunity to follow up and see how it worked out professionally. Good to know there are some pitfalls down that road.

 

[exNavyOffRec]

I have known a few mil to mil couples involving officers and a few it worked well, a few more it didn't.

one couple ended up well with one member getting a position that was a spot promote spot and continued to go up from there.

another couple were both on sea duty and the ships were on opposite schedules, during one year they saw each other for like 3 days, and that was only because we had an unscheduled return to port for repairs.

one more the first divo tour was fine, when they went for second one moved to another ship in SD, the other was sent to Everett as that was what was available.

I have seen it work much easier with E to E, than any other combination.

 

[zippy]

Whose career are you two deciding to prioritize?

Figure that out and have the other one join the reserves.

Dual Active Duty (especially sea duty) with children is incredibly difficult and not sustainable long term.

 

[alohse]

Hi,
I’ve searched around and couldn’t find exactly what I’m looking for. I’m curious about dual military couples with children. I’m considering going back into the Navy, as an Officer, after graduating college. My husband is still active duty (just hit 10 years). We have two children- 6 yo and 3 yo. I know about co-location, but how realistic is it for us to be stationed in the same area? Was it too hard on the kids? I know it’ll be an adjustment, but i don’t want to go back in and then wish I hadn’t because of the kids. They’re used to their dad being away right now, not me. Just curious if anyone has gone through a similar situation and has any advice. Thank you.

So, I know a thing or two, lol. My husband and I were previously dual mil. I separated after my 3rd pregnancy. It was really tough to stay or go, I really loved my job, but financially, daycare was taking all my money and someone else was raising my children. I currently have 5 children. My package is submitted for INTEL. My husband is still active with 20 years in. My children age in range from 15 to 5. There are major highs and lows. The older ones are tired of moving, tired of leaving friends behind, don't have many things in common with people they attend school with outside of military base schools. They are very cultured. They have more life experience than many of their peers and they are kind, respectful, resilient, and awesome kids. The sacrifices are major, but the adventures are grand. You will be giving up things and gaining things. So it is a very, very big decision. One I would never make for another person nor tell them one way or another what to choose. Feel free to message me. Good Luck!

 

[AULANI]

My wife and I are dual-mil. I'm a new 1830 and she's been medical corps for some time now. We were able to get co-located overseas and both our detailers were great in trying to work with us to figure something out. We have three kids age 8, 6, and 4. That being said, it has been a little difficult for my kids (and my wife) as I was away for 3 months for OCS and then 6 months for NIOBC. Also, my wife PCS'd before I did so she was overseas with the kids by herself for a while. After this tour my wife will probably retire so she can spend more time with the kids. The timing kind of worked out for us since I'm just starting as an 1830 and my wife's career is coming to an end so we don't really have to worry about whose career takes precedence.

If my wife had a different designator (like SWO) or something else that also had a ship/shore rotation I probably wouldn't have come back in the Navy due to the fear of us both being deployed at the same time.