Help me with my NROTC essays

[anonymousgoat]

Here are the two essays that I wrote for my NROTC application (the second is optional). Any feedback is greatly appreciated. Tell me if my structure is lousy, if I didn't answer the prompt, or if I sound too pretentious....lay it on me.

1. Discuss your reasons for wanting to become a Naval Officer.

I want to become a Naval Officer in order to fully develop myself, actively construct my future, and admirably serve my country.

The foremost reason I want to become a Naval Officer is in order to improve myself, both mentally and physically. An inherent trait in human nature is to strive for greatness. It is this innate characteristic that built the skyscrapers that tower against our skyline, that created the lights that flood our cities, and that sent man onto the moon; it is this attribute which all of humanity posseses that drives me to become a Naval Officer. I believe that the process of becoming a Naval Officer, the physical and mental rigors that I would have to endure and the skills I would learn, will help me advance along this path to greatness. I know that only the best of the best become Naval Officers, and I look forward to the challenge of rising to the height where I can one-day stand among their ranks. I realize that training to become a Naval Officer might not always be easy or fun, but I know that becoming one will make me stronger, smarter, and a better leader. I know that becoming a Naval Officer will help me to be the best I can be.

Another major reason that I want to become a Naval Officer is to ensure myself a stable future. Serving in the Armed Forces, no matter the branch, is an honorable job. Whenever I meet someone who serves in the Armed Forces, no matter how much I know about that person’s character, there is an automatic degree of respect that I have for him. It would be nice to have that type of job, a job where strangers look up to you. It will also be nice to get out of college, a time where many students are uncertain about their future, and know exactly where I plan to work. I don’t know yet if I will serve in the Navy five years, ten years, or my entire life, but at the moment that’s the job I truly want.

The final reason I want to be a Naval Officer is in order to serve my country. Not only will I be serving the USA, but I will also be doing it with likeminded men and women. I want to be part of the elite force that protects our country, our families, and our friends. After college, I want to help lead the organization that makes our way of life possible, the organization that protected my right to go to college. A famous aphorism states a fact that many of our soldiers can verify, “Freedom isn’t free.” Freedom isn’t free, I’ve reaped many of its benefits, now I want to help pay its cost.

 

[anonymousgoat]

2. How might your background and experiences enhance the U.S. Naval Service? (Optional)

Like ingredients in a secret recipe, my background and experiences have been mixed together to create what I am today, what I believe will be able to competently serve the US Navy. My background and experiences have helped me develop imperative traits such as discipline, competence, and intelligence that I will be able to use to effectively enhance the US Naval Service.

My training as an athlete most definitely has taught me the value of discipline. As a member of the Varsity Cross Country Team and the Copperfield Dolphins Swim Team, I often have had to wake up before six o’clock in the morning in order to get up and train. Although it is never fun to wake up that early, I know that it is crucial to my performance as an athlete to train regularly, and so I drowsily get up day after day in order to better myself. I will be able to use this discipline to stick through the trials and tribulations that I will face during my service.

Another skill that I have been learning through my experiences is competence. Ever since I started Boy Scouting in middle school, the value of competence has been impressed upon me. In order to be a leader of any type you have to be competent. Scouting has gradually taught me to be more competent: tents don’t pitch themselves and dishes won’t wash themselves. The competence that I built as a young Boy Scout and honed through observing other leaders at events such as National Youth Leadership Training and the UIL Elite 100 Student Conference I continue to strive to perfect. This year I am Section Leader of the trumpets in my Band, and above all else, I must make sure I am competent. How can I ask the freshmen I am responsible for to pass off their music if I haven’t learned my own? How can I get my section to follow me on the field if I don’t know my sets? I have learned the value of competence through these experiences; the Navy will be able to depend on me to do whatever it is I need to.

Both inside and outside of school I love to learn. Inside of school, I take the most challenging curriculum that I am able to comprehend, outside of school I enjoy to practice programming computer games. I am naturally curious, and I believe that the knowledge that I have already learned and the knowledge I am yet to learn will benefit the Naval Service immensely.

I believe that my experiences and the traits I have developed through my experiences have set me on the right path to becoming an able Officer in the US Naval Service.

 

[sickboy]

For the second essay, I would talk more about how your discipline and comptetence would help the Navy. Just my $.02.

When I was submiting packages, I emailed my essays to my old english teacher and asked him to give them a look. The rhetorical question approach just seems awkward to me.

 

[anonymousgoat]

Are you saying leave out the intelligence paragraph and focus on the other two, or are you just saying add more to the other two? I realize that my fourth paragraph in the second essay was rather weak, which is partly because it can only be 2500 characters long.

By the way, thank you so much for reading it!

 

[Bevo16]

"Competence" is not a skill. Juggling is a skill. Flying an aircraft is a skill. Competence literally means "possession of a skill" or just "adequate". Saying that you are really good at being skilled does not make any sense. Saying that you really value being adequate is not impressive.

You need to totally rewrite the 3rd paragraph. It does not make any sense.

 

[anonymousgoat]

You're definitely right that competence isn't a skill, it's a characteristic. Your definitions of competence are also correct, yet I was trying to use a more positive connotation of competence which falls more along the lines of "reliable" or "the ability to do something well or effectively." I personally think that competence is something any leader should possess, that it means they'll get the job(whatever it is) done correctly.

I don't know, maybe I'm just confused about the proper use of "competence". I might just rewrite it so that the people who read it don't think the same thing you thought. Do you guys think that the third paragraph in the second essay is fine, would be better if I used a word like "reliable" , or do you think the whole paragraph needs to be scraped? Again, thanks for your help.

 

[Bevo16]

I get what you are trying to say. You just need use the right words. The way you wrote that paragraph will make anyone with a solid grasp of the english language want to scream. You don't want the people scoring your essay to have to decode the thing. When you are talking about how important competence is, its best to avoid showing a lack of it when using our language.

 

[anonymousgoat]

I'm not going to have computer access for the next two weeks, so I won't be able to read any posts until I get back. Still feel free to post any comments you may have.Thanks to everyone who has helped me so far.

 

[armada1651]

I think it would be better to say you value excellence (or the pursuit of excellence). I agree with Bevo, though - try rewriting the paragraph to phrase it a bit better. But I do understand what you're trying to get at.

 

[voodooqueen]

I do some editing work from time to time; I have a pretty good sense of a writer's voice. To me, these essays come across as weak; I wonder what your real reason is. I wonder if you really know. (Does he want to be Tom Cruise and wear a cool jacket? Does he hope for a sense of family? Is he disciplined and wants to be around like-minded people? Does he like to blow things up?) An essay that comes across as heartfelt is heartfelt. So, first, do some real thinking on why you want this, not just thinking on what your readers want to hear.

When you are sure of your heartfelt patriotism and willingness to serve, and your qualities as a leader, then write a draft. Consider telling a story about how you were first inspired to be an officer. After you write it go back and omit all of the weak cliches and overused metaphors. Remove all passive verbs and use active ones as in: I will serve vs. I am willing to serve. This makes you sound stronger as well as making your writing stronger. Don't worry about mechanics on your first draft--just get your ideas on the page.

Your mental strength is as important as your physical strength (I should think) and you will need to consider what it is that inspires respect in others, and then think of when you have exhibited that.

Once you get your thoughts on paper--sincerely--then block and move sections around, making sure that you have the mechanics and structure of a good essay (the five paragraph Yale essay is a good model.) Include topic sentences, an introduction and a conclusion, anyway. Your conclusion should have an impact as it's the last word on why you're the guy for the job. And have someone with a degree in English check it out for word choice, mechanics etc.

 

[Daisy]

Expensive (to me) pointer:

I believe that my experiences and the traits I have developed through my experiences have set me on the right path to becoming an able Officer in the US Naval Service.

Go back through your essay and remove repetitions of the same word - especially in the same sentence or paragraph. Use a thesaurus for ideas.

Have someone read your essay aloud to you. If you cringe or if it doesn't sound the way it does in your head then fix the errors.

Voodooqueen - could you give an example of passive versus active language in his essay? Sometimes people forget what those labels mean. Solid pointer, btw.