Marriage at Flight School

[Flash]

I got pissed every time I heard that "Who is married?? Who has kids??" speech at the start of every phase- so much so that it went into my critiques. I've been married for 3 years and change now and had a kid during primary-I had 0 issues.

Well get over it. I am not one to say that you shouldn't get married during flight school, it all depends on the relationship, but there were always a few of the married guys that would pull the 'I have wife/kids' excuse for various things, especially duty, while I was in the training command and to hell with the rest of the studs. Like the 'I can't do any events before 0730 because I have to drop my kid off at daycare' at the RAG and other idiocy that colored my view of things a bit. Not sure how that one flew but the guy who had 5 kids, that's right 5 little rugrats by the age of 26, never complained or missed anything except for the birth of number 5.

Surprising or not it was never much of an issue in either of my fleet squadrons. Guys and gals who needed to do family stuff took care of it quietly and made sure they pulled their fair share. Everyone's experience is different but I had a lot less problems in the fleet than TRACOM with this sort of thing.

 

[D_Rob]

Search "Manatee" and "Psycho Ex Wife" with my username. You will find plenty of reasons not to. The reason a lot less divorced guys are not speaking out against getting married, is that the ones that have alimony AND child support can't even afford the internet. :icon_tong

There was an O-4 at my last command who sent about 80% of his paycheck (after taxes) to his ex for alimony and child support. He couldn't afford a TV so he came into the command on the weekend to watch his NASCAR. Morale of the story; if you do have a wife make sure she gets a job.

 

[Brunes]

I wasn't implying that marriage is akin to lopping one's arm off, just that I can see how flight school is easier as a bachelor. The two-arms-vice-one portion was just an exaggeration of life being easier. Sorry if it came off as me knocking marriage. That definitely was not my intention.

On the serious side, I'm honestly curious: would you say that flight school is easier as a single guy, married guy, or as a parent? That's really the only point I was trying to make.

I can't say if it's easier as a single guy or a married guy cause I was married the whole time. Being a parent wasn't necessarily the plan and is probably not how I would have done it if I got a do over- but like all things- work at it and it falls out how it falls out. My wife helped me study alot, picked up my slack around the house when I was in Instruments, and gave me someone to hang out with pretty much anytime I was home.

I would never try to plan a life based on a career- Cause you'll NEVER find a "good" time for anything. The next Det/TAD/training is always coming and work will always be there. Find the right person, do what you gotta do to make sure-I agree with Master- Living together is a good thing!!-and then make it official.

Well get over it. I am not one to say that you shouldn't get married during flight school, it all depends on the relationship, but there were always a few of the married guys that would pull the 'I have wife/kids' excuse for various things, especially duty, while I was in the training command and to hell with the rest of the studs. Like the 'I can't do any events before 0730 because I have to drop my kid off at daycare' at the RAG and other idiocy that colored my view of things a bit. Not sure how that one flew but the guy who had 5 kids, that's right 5 little rugrats by the age of 26, never complained or missed anything except for the birth of number 5.

Surprising or not it was never much of an issue in either of my fleet squadrons. Guys and gals who needed to do family stuff took care of it quietly and made sure they pulled their fair share. Everyone's experience is different but I had a lot less problems in the fleet than TRACOM with this sort of thing.

"Pull you share" wasn't the jist of the TRACOM speech I got- The speech I got went "Who is married? Who has kids? You guys with your hands up are probably not going to make it thru flight school" which is BS. My father in law did it. I did it. I know at least 5 other people I can think of...3 of which are dual active duty couples. I'm sure there are guys out there who are going to say that their stress at home was what made them fail- I'm not that guy and I don't need to hear their sob stories.

There are plenty of single folks who shirk off duty and managed to be the idiots who were causing Admin paperwork left and right. If there were studs who were pulling the "I got a wife and kids" line- That's immaturity/laziness or you just found yourself a shit bag.

 

[VS FO]

This is one topic I wish I had gotten better advice on years ago. It may not apply to everyone, but I would say for the majority the better option is to wait. In many ways, flight school and your first fleet tour are an extension of college. Do people make it through college being married? Of course. Some do and could even argue there are advantages much like the ones pointed out here (study partner, someone to lean on, better grades, less money on booze, more sex... ) but I would say being married in college would also make you miss out on a lot of very worthwhile experiences. The same is true of flight school and your first JO tour. You might think you saw it all in college and are now ready to settle down, but trust me you haven't. Being single allows you to experience some pretty amazing things that few people ever have a chance to. You will work hard for those wings and earning them will open some doors that go way beyond just the flying. You will also find that you will change a lot as a person in your 20's. This goes for you and the person you are with now. Priorities, attitudes and your overall outlook on life WILL be different. They may or may not coincide with those of the person you are with now. Bottom line - if you wait a few years you will know much more about life, be much more solidified as a person and have a much better idea of what you truly want for yourself.

I always say it took being married for me to really appreciate the benefits of being single. I still believe in marriage and have no doubt that it is the best environment to raise well adjusted children, but make no mistake you will be making some substantial sacrifices. So my advice is to take some time to figure out who you are, enjoy the life you have worked so hard to achieve and slow down the race to be a "family man". My formerly married friends(there are many) and I often joke about our "practice" marriages now, but believe me when I say you can save yourself a lot of pain, financial hardship and missed opportunities if you learn from those that went before you.

 

[phrogdriver]

This is one with which your mileage will vary dramatically. I've been married and single, and I can say that being single is easier from a work angle. As far as total quality of life, that depends on you and your mate or lack thereof.

You can find better study partners than a spouse, certainly, if that's an issue. The "incentive" program may not be as good, but then again, most spouses are not much help when you ask,"Do you understand how this blade diagram thing goes?" I can also guarantee that your study partner will be dramatically less pissed off if you blow off his birthday for a flight than a spouse will be.

On balance, it's easier to go through flight school solo. It's easier to succeed in ANY field, military or civilian, solo. Whether that is worth the tradeoff is entirely up to your values and preferences.

Some people have more supportive spouses than others. Some do much better jobs balancing work and home than others. You have to figure out how YOU and YOUR betrothed will handle it. Rest assured, if she's high-maintenance now, it won't get better with time.

As far as test-driving by living together, again, that's up to you. I think it's more important to just go out for a long time first. You have to get over the ga-ga, starry eyed, "she's my soulmate" bullshit period before getting married, because that shit will eventually fade and you'd better just like being around this person all the fucking time. Social scientists will tell you that couples who live together before marriage actually get divorced MORE often than those who don't, perhaps because they don't see marriage as that big a step.

 

[villanelle]

This is one topic I wish I had gotten better advice on years ago. It may not apply to everyone, but I would say for the majority the better option is to wait. In many ways, flight school and your first fleet tour are an extension of college. Do people make it through college being married? Of course. Some do and could even argue there are advantages much like the ones pointed out here (study partner, someone to lean on, better grades, less money on booze, more sex... ) but I would say being married in college would also make you miss out on a lot of very worthwhile experiences. The same is true of flight school and your first JO tour. You might think you saw it all in college and are now ready to settle down, but trust me you haven't. Being single allows you to experience some pretty amazing things that few people ever have a chance to.

Like so many other things, I think this too depends on the selection of spouse. We certainly didn't spend less money on booze. We hit the bars (and even the strip clubs) at least as often as The husband (who was The Fiance at the time)'s single or roommates. And he did those things by himself (with friends, but not with me) as well. Yes, there is *one* aspect of the single life he was no longer able to partake in, but beyond being able to truly explore the best that Milton and Corpus had to offer in the way of female company, there's nothing he was no longer "allowed" to do. That's not how our relationship works.

Again, I think this all comes down to picking a good spouse. Certainly, there are horror stories on both sides. But in nearly all those cases, it isn't about the timing or whether they lived together or any of that. It's about making a bad choice and being too blind or naive or whatever else to objectively look at whether this is going to work. If she's the type to be pissed off because you blew off her birthday (per PhrogD's post below), then she likely won't make it because you are going to blow off her birthday, and your anniversary, and Thanksgiving, a planned vacation, your kid's birth, and a bunch of other stuff when you are off in the middle of the ocean somewhere.

 

[Archanan7]

It really is up to what kind of person you and your spouse (or potential spouse) are. We are both active duty and in the flight program. We got married while in A-pool waiting on API and we were lucky at the time (depending on your view point) that we had some time to organize our lives prior to API. A year later we've experienced challenges I never would've expected. Should we have waited? Damn straight. Its difficult, complicated, and forces you to adapt. Would I change things if I could? Hell no. If its the right person, get married when it feels right, because its been said already but I'll say it again. It's never going to be the "right time." Only been married a year though so that's just my .02.

 

[Fallonflyr]

I got married during T-2 FCLPs in 1984 and am still married. How it goes depends on your "headwork" in the matter.

 

[ChunksJR]

I got married during T-2 FCLPs in 1984 and am still married. How it goes depends on your "headwork" in the matter.

Or her's. ZING!

 

[ccxc]

Would there be enough time to get married after TBS and before API? Would that be the smartest thing to do if you were palnning on getting married? What about right after OCS? Any suggestions on what the best scenario would be from the experience of those on this thread that are married. Thanks.

 

[SWACQ]

Would there be enough time to get married after TBS and before API? Would that be the smartest thing to do if you were palnning on getting married? What about right after OCS? Any suggestions on what the best scenario would be from the experience of those on this thread that are married. Thanks.

Sure you don't want us to tell you if she's "the one" for you as well?

 

[Swanee]

Right now there is a lot of time between TBS and API, and the MOC at MATSG (enough acronyms for ya?) will give you leave pretty much whenever you want it. So for that reason, yes it would be a good time.

 

[SynixMan]

Most Marines have a decent wait between TBS and API, and I know one that got married during that time, but your mileage will vary as always.

 

[ccxc]

SWACQ: no you don't have to tell me, I got that one figured out.
Swanee & SynixMan: Right now I am trying to get selected for OCC-207 and "supposedly" API will start up soon after TBS because the pipeline should be up to par. Will there still be plenty of time no matter what? How much time is there from OCS to TBS? Is it even possible to get leave? Or is it just too much...

 

[ChunksJR]

..."supposedly" API will start up soon after TBS because the pipeline should be up to par...

This is a good learning point for the rest of your time in the 'Corps. You have something that COULD happen and you need to plan for that. Since there's a "rumor" out that it should be up to par, I'd go worse case scenario, and actually believe that you'll start API shortly after TBS completion. It's better to be frustrated because you COULD have gotten married, rather than not getting your deposits back when you have to canx the wedding at the last minute. TRUST ME. As Moltke always said: "No campaign plan survives first contact with the enemy."

Will there still be plenty of time no matter what?

No one on this board can answer that.

Is it even possible to get leave?

You are always entitled to ask for leave...look at your orders and see if you are entitled leave en route...usually you can take up to 30 days, as long as you report by the NLT date.

Good luck. With the marriage AND career.