Motivational Statement Help

[FayettevilleReb]

This is my first post here, some guys on another board told me that airwarriors is the place to go to have people look over your motivational statements. I was told there were specific threads for this type of thing but I have been looking around for awhile and could not find any.

I am going for supply. Please be as harsh as possible, thanks for all your help guys.




Few people in this world are given the opportunity to do something that actually “matters”. Naval Officers are part of this minority.



I worked as an accounting intern for Tyson Foods for 10 weeks earlier this year, and it was not until then I realized how few jobs actually make a difference in society. One day, while working on an audit, it hit me. Auditing doesn’t matter, nor does it make a difference in our society. If I were to skip a day of accounting work there would be no lives lost, no changes to the status quo other than an angry boss and a pile of work to come back to on Monday. It is for this reason I want to be a Naval Officer; the job matters. As an officer you are responsible for people’s lives, a concept that is so meaningful it simply cannot be juxtaposed with 99 percent of civilian jobs. A single misstep and men’s lives could potentially be at stake.



It is common for a Naval Officer be in charge of men ten to fifteen years his elder, something that is completely counterintuitive. I was in this same situation as an accountant at Tyson when I was chosen to lead a project about the commodities brokers employed by Tyson Foods. All of the sudden, I was directing the work of people who had been at Tyson for 20 years, people who were old enough to be my parents. Though it was odd in the beginning, I enjoyed the role greatly, and I am happy to say my group excelled on the project, finding and solving a great deal of the issues surrounding commodity brokers.





I look forward to telling my own Naval stories during reunions and holidays as much as I enjoy listening to the stories told by my grandfather and both of my mother’s brothers. I hope I have the ability to partake in half of the life experiences they have. Ray Maybus, Secretary of the Navy, spoke at my graduation commencement and he put it the best: “I’m not asking all of you to join the Navy, but I do want you all to do something that you can be proud of down the line.” There is nothing that would make me more proud than being commissioned as an officer in the world’s greatest navy.

 

[BigJeffray]

The thread for motivational statements can be found here. There is a lot of good info there and a lot more people who can do a good job of dissecting your statement. Since i'm here I'll give you my two cents, and bear in mind that I am no expert and have no specific knowledge of what the board actually looks for, nor do most on here. I think the first paragraph is very wordy and philisophical. I understand your point completely, but you don't want to give the selection board the opportunity to think that you want to be a Suppo because you hate your job (I'm not saying that's the case either). It is very fluffy. I like the second paragraph because it tells of something specific that shows you have had some experience in your life that is important and helps demonstrate why you would be a good officer. More stuff like that would be advisable in my opinion. I don't care for the first sentence of the third paragraph; I wouldn't talk about telling your own stories at all at this point because it implies you take it as a foregone conclusion that you will make it. When it comes to your future Naval career (mine too) I would suggest talking about it as an "if," not a "when." As far as the quote, I think its well used, some others may recommend not using quotes, but again, no one knows what difference it makes.

I would post this in the Motivational Statement Megathread and look for more feedback there. The motivational staement is supposed to answer the question "why do you seek a commission in the U.S. Navy?" (or something like that) I would use it as an opportunity to answer the question "Why should you be given a commission in the U.S. Navy?" Desire is an important part of that second question, but also talk about what you have to offer the Navy, and what about you would make a good officer. Sell yourself without being cocky or presumptious and you'll be good. Best of luck to you!

 

[PhrogLoop]

I think it's nicely written and your heart sure is in the right place. But you might try not being so hard on the other auditors and accountants out there. Every job matters in some respect. If for no other reason that employed Americans contribute to the economy (and our Navy paychecks) rather than taking a free handout. At first, you're saying your current job doesn't matter, but then you say that in your job, you learned an important lesson about responsibility and wanting more of it. Maybe you can use that angle to expand on joining the Navy because you know it's something you can be proud of down the line. Good luck!