Motivational Statement MEGA Thread

[MDnavy]

I think you've got a good starting point, but there's a few things that I feel could use a little adjusting. First, I don't think it's necessary to explain or describe what you think the Navy core values mean. The individuals reviewing these statements already know. I think using the core values in your statement is a solid choice, but try incorporating how you personally display those values in your life with examples of things you've done/accomplished to display honor, courage, and commitment. Basically I think the 2nd paragraph needs to be redone, too much fluff, not enough substance.

I think you've got a lot of meat that can be expanded upon in your third paragraph. You've clearly accomplished a lot through hard work and dedication to your athletics. I want to hear how you did some of those, what you learned from them, and how they've helped to make you a leader that can set the example for junior sailors and handle the stress of military life. List some things sure, but instead of having only a list, try expanding a few key accomplishments. Maybe explain how being the first in your family to get a degree was a challenge (maybe wasn't, maybe it was I don't know) and how you handled it, or how you helped patients at the Hussman Center, or what actions you took to create and run the Kinesiology club (dope by the way, I'm also a Kin major). What have you led, and what was the outcome is a point I think they'd be interested in.

Anywho, just a few suggestions. My final version changed quite a bit from the draft I posted here, and it wound up helping me get selected. I had to remove a lot of fluff and expand on things as well. Just get it to as many eyes as possible before you submit it. I hope this helps, and best of luck to you!!

Thank you, my kinesiology brethren.

 

[MDnavy]

Does anyone know if the "400 word limit" is an actual limitation? My recruiter told me write 3-4 paragraphs and that is all.

 

[Viperthe2]

I don't think there's an actual, if you go past this you fail, kind of limit. My recruiter told me 600 words. I think basically if we keep it at a page we're good. They have to read a lot of these so the more concisely we can make ourselves look good, the better.

 

[StewburnerCS1]

Applying for SWO/Intel wondering if I could get some critiques of my personal statements.

With all respect,
CS1(SW)

 

[mfischerman]

I am applying for an aviation contract with the Navy, any feedback is welcome!

Motivational​

The United States military is the only path in life I have ever considered. My home is a community where pilots are trained and I live near a large airport. Flying often as a young child and fascinated by watching planes flying overhead, I wanted to be in control of those planes. No one in my family before me has been in the military so there is no sense of obligation; more of a sense of necessity, driving me towards this dream.

I have lived in South America and visited other countries. The United States and what it represents truly makes me proud to be an American. I have always had a strong sense of citizenship and a pride in making my community and country better places through service.

My education began in my hometown at Texas A&M University-Corpus Christi. I began to truly realize that a life behind a desk and without purpose would not satisfy me. Joining ROTC on campus helped me realize that life in the military would provide me both mission and meaning. I joined the Ranger Challenge and Bataan Death March Teams and realized that the military was the life for me. I then transferred to Texas A&M University in College Station to finish my degree and further challenge myself academically. There I have continued a regimen of rigorous physical exercise knowing that top physical condition would be required to serve my country. I joined the Texas A&M rowing team as well as a skydiving club. The rowing team required perfect group cohesion and technique to be able to perform optimally. The same basics necessary for any effective fighting force.

Joining the US Navy as an officer would offer a unique opportunity to both serve and lead. Both the respect for the chain of command and the group cooperation required to be part of a team of pilots, allow for my love of aviation, my challenging education and experience to benefit my country.

I would be honored to join the navy as an officer and hope you agree that I could contribute something valuable to the mission.

 

[FormerRecruitingGuru]

I am applying for an aviation contract with the Navy, any feedback is welcome!

Motivational​

The United States military is the only path in life I have ever considered. My home is a community where pilots are trained and I live near a large airport. Flying often as a young child and fascinated by watching planes flying overhead, I wanted to be in control of those planes. No one in my family before me has been in the military so there is no sense of obligation; more of a sense of necessity, driving me towards this dream.

I have lived in South America and visited other countries. The United States and what it represents truly makes me proud to be an American. I have always had a strong sense of citizenship and a pride in making my community and country better places through service.

My education began in my hometown at Texas A&M University-Corpus Christi. I began to truly realize that a life behind a desk and without purpose would not satisfy me. Joining ROTC on campus helped me realize that life in the military would provide me both mission and meaning. I joined the Ranger Challenge and Bataan Death March Teams and realized that the military was the life for me. I then transferred to Texas A&M University in College Station to finish my degree and further challenge myself academically. There I have continued a regimen of rigorous physical exercise knowing that top physical condition would be required to serve my country. I joined the Texas A&M rowing team as well as a skydiving club. The rowing team required perfect group cohesion and technique to be able to perform optimally. The same basics necessary for any effective fighting force.

Joining the US Navy as an officer would offer a unique opportunity to both serve and lead. Both the respect for the chain of command and the group cooperation required to be part of a team of pilots, allow for my love of aviation, my challenging education and experience to benefit my country.

I would be honored to join the navy as an officer and hope you agree that I could contribute something valuable to the mission.

You do know aviation boards skim if not don’t even read your statement right?

 

[CoDecoy]

Hey all - would love some extra eyes on my personal statement. I keep coming back to it every so often and think it sucks so I add/change verbiage used.

I am hesitant to put specific community information within the statement as my overall goal is to serve and the specific community is not as important to me. The ideal community would be something like SWO-IWC option (which they cancelled FY19). I am too old to apply for SWO (29).

Send me some feedback directly or through the forum please!

------------------

"I am seeking to earn my commission in the Navy because I want to give back to my family and community. I believe that contributing to society by lifting up those that follow in our footsteps is an essential characteristic for a leader, husband, and Christian man. I want to encourage sailors and provide insight and support to them as they continue their lives and careers within the Navy while serving and protecting our country.

I know that I will be successful in OCS and earning my commission and place in the Navy because I thrive in challenging environments. Throughout my life I have had to rely on my will to succeed and endure the physical, emotional and mental hardships that I faced. Many opportunities have allowed me to hone my self-control in my career, my community service, and my love of competitive team sport. I have a true passion to serve the greater good, and I continually am seeking knowledge and growth in my professional and personal life. I want to apply myself within the US Navy so that I can embody the example of personal accountability, adaptability, and integrity. I have committed myself to doing right, always upholding honor, honesty, and courage – without which the Navy would not be able to uphold its long standing traditions.

While working full time through college, I graduated in 2013 with my BA in Psychology. My program taught me to truly become self-aware and I learned that I could interact and connect with those around me from different cultures and backgrounds with ease. My studies helped me look into other people’s actions in individual and group settings so that when I encountered those from different cultures – I would be more successful in my interpretation and understanding of them.

I plan on providing the Navy with my cumulative years of leadership in guiding mixed teams of individuals with different functions and balancing those individuals to the needs of the overall team. My understanding of personalities allows me to better interact and balance the strengths and weaknesses of my team.

I have always been drawn to exploring the globe. The ability to assist in humanitarian efforts and interact with different cultures has been a reoccurring theme and goal of my life. My Christian beliefs root me in loving God, loving People, and Serving the World. This is the core of why I continue to learn and grow. This is why I feel called to the Navy."

 

[LNH2525]

Hello Everyone,

I would like someone to read my motivational essay however, I am not comfortable with posting in the forum. I know technology has increased our abilities to plagiarize, not all but few will not give credit where credit is due. Firm believer of that.

Can anyone send me a private message on here with their email?

FYI - New to site.

 

[d1andonly1]

Hello. I am also new to this site and was wondering if anyone wouldn't mind personally messaging me to provide a review of my personal statement? I feel like it's powerful but could use some improvements. Thank you

 

[Broseph_25]

Hey all - would love some extra eyes on my personal statement. I keep coming back to it every so often and think it sucks so I add/change verbiage used.

I am hesitant to put specific community information within the statement as my overall goal is to serve and the specific community is not as important to me. The ideal community would be something like SWO-IWC option (which they cancelled FY19). I am too old to apply for SWO (29).

Send me some feedback directly or through the forum please!

------------------

"I am seeking to earn my commission in the Navy because I want to give back to my family and community. I believe that contributing to society by lifting up those that follow in our footsteps is an essential characteristic for a leader, husband, and Christian man. I want to encourage sailors and provide insight and support to them as they continue their lives and careers within the Navy while serving and protecting our country.

I know that I will be successful in OCS and earning my commission and place in the Navy because I thrive in challenging environments. Throughout my life I have had to rely on my will to succeed and endure the physical, emotional and mental hardships that I faced. Many opportunities have allowed me to hone my self-control in my career, my community service, and my love of competitive team sport. I have a true passion to serve the greater good, and I continually am seeking knowledge and growth in my professional and personal life. I want to apply myself within the US Navy so that I can embody the example of personal accountability, adaptability, and integrity. I have committed myself to doing right, always upholding honor, honesty, and courage – without which the Navy would not be able to uphold its long standing traditions.

While working full time through college, I graduated in 2013 with my BA in Psychology. My program taught me to truly become self-aware and I learned that I could interact and connect with those around me from different cultures and backgrounds with ease. My studies helped me look into other people’s actions in individual and group settings so that when I encountered those from different cultures – I would be more successful in my interpretation and understanding of them.

I plan on providing the Navy with my cumulative years of leadership in guiding mixed teams of individuals with different functions and balancing those individuals to the needs of the overall team. My understanding of personalities allows me to better interact and balance the strengths and weaknesses of my team.

I have always been drawn to exploring the globe. The ability to assist in humanitarian efforts and interact with different cultures has been a reoccurring theme and goal of my life. My Christian beliefs root me in loving God, loving People, and Serving the World. This is the core of why I continue to learn and grow. This is why I feel called to the Navy."

See if you can change some of the sentences so not a bunch of them start with "I".

 

[Broseph_25]

You do know aviation boards skim if not don’t even read your statement right?

LAME. I wrote a good one.

 

[Hair Warrior]

Shorter is better. 300 words.

If you want to become a better writer, follow this:

 

[NC2018]

I was just selected for CW and I went extremely heavy into why I specifically wanted to do CW in my personal statement. I see you put that you want to go CW in your bio. Unlike the other boards, the IWC board actually looks at and dissects your personal statement. It obviously isn't more important than a high GPA/OAR score but it is weighted more than if you were applying for any of the other communities. It can be the thing that puts you over the top.

There's some fluff in your statement that can be cut which can then be replaced with why you would be a good CW officer. Have you ever briefed a principal? Managed a team of people? Made complicated subjects discernible to someone who isn't good with that particular issue? Worked with computers or done any academic related work with things that are relevant to CW?

I would say my personal statement was 2/3rds why I would be good at CW, 1/3 why I would be a good officer/talking about the Navy values. Maybe my strategy wasn't correct but I had a slightly above average GPA with a non-stem degree and an above average OAR score so my personal statement is what I think made the difference.

Hey all - would love some extra eyes on my personal statement. I keep coming back to it every so often and think it sucks so I add/change verbiage used.

I am hesitant to put specific community information within the statement as my overall goal is to serve and the specific community is not as important to me. The ideal community would be something like SWO-IWC option (which they cancelled FY19). I am too old to apply for SWO (29).

Send me some feedback directly or through the forum please!

------------------

"I am seeking to earn my commission in the Navy because I want to give back to my family and community. I believe that contributing to society by lifting up those that follow in our footsteps is an essential characteristic for a leader, husband, and Christian man. I want to encourage sailors and provide insight and support to them as they continue their lives and careers within the Navy while serving and protecting our country.

I know that I will be successful in OCS and earning my commission and place in the Navy because I thrive in challenging environments. Throughout my life I have had to rely on my will to succeed and endure the physical, emotional and mental hardships that I faced. Many opportunities have allowed me to hone my self-control in my career, my community service, and my love of competitive team sport. I have a true passion to serve the greater good, and I continually am seeking knowledge and growth in my professional and personal life. I want to apply myself within the US Navy so that I can embody the example of personal accountability, adaptability, and integrity. I have committed myself to doing right, always upholding honor, honesty, and courage – without which the Navy would not be able to uphold its long standing traditions.

While working full time through college, I graduated in 2013 with my BA in Psychology. My program taught me to truly become self-aware and I learned that I could interact and connect with those around me from different cultures and backgrounds with ease. My studies helped me look into other people’s actions in individual and group settings so that when I encountered those from different cultures – I would be more successful in my interpretation and understanding of them.

I plan on providing the Navy with my cumulative years of leadership in guiding mixed teams of individuals with different functions and balancing those individuals to the needs of the overall team. My understanding of personalities allows me to better interact and balance the strengths and weaknesses of my team.

I have always been drawn to exploring the globe. The ability to assist in humanitarian efforts and interact with different cultures has been a reoccurring theme and goal of my life. My Christian beliefs root me in loving God, loving People, and Serving the World. This is the core of why I continue to learn and grow. This is why I feel called to the Navy."

 

[MockingbirdT]

Applying for SWO/Intel wondering if I could get some critiques of my personal statements.

With all respect,
CS1(SW)

honestly, yours need some work bruv. it doesn't read well and you're using too many acronyms.

 

[swmonroe88]

So I know that generally speaking the "correct" answer on this forum is "ask your recruiter"...

That being said, I asked my recruiter about the length of the motivational statement (for a SNA package, nonetheless) and he said 2 pages single spaced. Did I miss something or is that MUCH too long?