Motivational Statement Tips

[StompinNightmare]

No experience on that subject. However, ask yourself this: Do you feel having a kid through all of that made it more difficult? I have a niece and a nephew, and I typically require a glass of scotch/whiskey/rum/whatever's in stock after I'm done babysitting them, so I'm going to assume that the answer to that question is a resounding 'yes.' It's probably not worth spending a bunch of words on in the paper, but mentioning it in passing along with the divorce, work, and school will probably work. Sort of a build up of negatives. Had all these things going on and on top of that you stuck around for your kid in his early years. Not only are all of these good reasons to not pursue BDCP, but they each show character.

 

[OUSOONER]

I was taught that freedom is not free.

Made me think of this..... You just send this, and you're in. Or at least I would accept you.

 

[jcusmc2005]

Same tips for me as well. I am applying to Navy DCO PAO:

I am applying for a direct commission to become a United States Navy Public Affairs Officer because I have a plethora of skills that include being a strategic communicator and thinker and I have the ability to create messages that resonate with key audiences. I am passionate regarding effective delivery in areas of visual, audio, and written communication in addition to developing and building trusted relationships with editors and policy makers. If I am commissioned, the United States Navy is making an investment in a professional with the right skills, experience and personal qualities to deliver dividends for the Navy.
Before raising my right hand to be sworn in to serve in the United States Marine Corps, I attended a military preparatory school, Fork Union Military Academy, that embraced leadership and our daily focus was on body, mind, and spirit. My roommate always spoke about either becoming a Navy or Marine Corps Officer, to support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic. Our conversations helped me realize that I shared that passion to keep America safe and to become an officer.

I committed to the Navy and Marine Corps team because of their tradition of honor, courage, and commitment by enlisting in the Marine Corps where I laid my initial roots in becoming a leader. Arriving at Paris Island, South Carolina, I put everything I had learned at Fork Union to the test. In a short time, my skills had increased so that the drill instructors appointed me the leader of the platoon (guide). For a recruit, this was the biggest honor a drill instructor could bestow during basic training. Upon graduating from basic training I was awarded a Meritorious Mast for my leadership abilities during training. During Marine Combat training, I was awarded another Meritorious Mast for my leadership capabilities during combat scenarios and leading a squad of Marines.
As a Marine, I have been meritoriously promoted twice to the ranks of Corporal and Sergeant. Meritorious promotions recognize Marines for their superior potential for increased responsibility based upon their extraordinary performance, sacrifice, and contribution to the success of the Marine Corps. The boarding procedures for meritorious promotions are rigorous themselves in competing with the highest qualified and best Marines a unit has to offer. I am honored and humbled to have been selected for meritorious promotion twice during my career.

The biggest accomplishment in my military career to date was having the honor and opportunity to serve at the Marine Corps Legislative Affairs Office located at the Pentagon and serving at both liaison offices at the U.S. House of Representatives and U.S. Senate. At the Pentagon I worked as a Congressional Liaison Representative resolving congressional inquiries on policy issues affecting the Marine Corps. The legislative affairs office is where my strategic communication and thinking ability was put to the test in delivering a message to key audiences while developing and building trusted relationships with media representatives and policy makers. I had direct relationships with Members of Congress and their staff and served as point of contact with the Department of the Navy and the Office of Assistant Secretary of Defense for Legislative Affairs on legislative proposals. I provided strategic communication and thinking to my role at the Legislative affairs office and incorporated effective delivery to connect and move stakeholders and target audiences. My duties at the Office of Legislative Affairs were equivalent to those of a GS 11 level.

While I strive to be the best Marine Staff Sergeant, I want to push myself further, and believe this position gives me that opportunity. I am currently attending graduate school to further my education in International Relations and Communications, with an estimated time of gradation with a double major in the summer of 2011. I feel I would be a valuable asset to the Navy, given my military and professional experience, education background, and accomplishments previously outlined. First and foremost, I am a leader. The Naval Service (Marine Corps) has taught me to be a leader and flexible in accomplishing any mission. I have keen intelligence, determination, and strength essential to being a leader in the United States Navy. I proudly represent honor, courage, and commitment in upholding the greatest traditions in Naval service and want to continue serving in the Navy, a leader among American Armed Services.

The Navy caught my interest as it has the largest and most influential Public Affairs community in the Armed Forces. I have extensive experience in Government Affairs/ Relations and Public Affairs, which directly correlates with being a Public Affairs Officer in the Navy. In my current employment at Paralyzed Veterans of America, I work closely with PVA’s communications professionals on the Independent Budget and Paraplegia News articles. I write legislative point papers and articles for publication in the organizations monthly magazine, Paraplegia News and write monthly newsletters that are distributed throughout the nation to our 35 Chapters, 72 field offices and approximately 20,000 members. I write statements for the record and testimony which are vital for the organizations voice on Capitol Hill. I speak to Members of Congress and their professional staff members on a weekly basis on legislative issues. I also co-author a yearly publication, The Independent Budget, that is used to influence policy and appropriations discussion in the United States Congress.

I cannot think of a more satisfying reason to seek a commission in the Naval Reserves that will guide and mold me into a more exceptional leader. I possess the elements of leadership: integrity, intelligence, strength, adaptability, and determination that would make me a great asset to the Navy Reserve as a Public Affairs Officer. Additionally, my experience as a Public Affairs Officer will shape and complement my civilian occupation.

Thank you for your time and look forward to the results of the board.

 

[jaden1121]

Thomas_McKenna - Here it is for what its worth (still skimming, currently 422) Give it to me straight.

I seek commission today because Honor, Courage, and Commitment are values instilled in me by my late uncle, a retired Navy Senior Chief. I never knew my father and my uncle selflessly stepped into this parental role for me. When I became a parent this catalyzed me into initially pursuing enrollment in the Bachelor Degree Completion Program. My becoming a Navy Officer will allow for my son to be able to stand and speak with pride about his father the way I do of my uncle and instill these values in him as well.


The process of gaining acceptance into the BDCP was indirectly derailed by my now ex-wife’s adulterous ways. I compromisingly accepted a job in the oilfield to pay for college and legal expenses. After my graduation and divorce, I entered my current profession of law enforcement. As a Juvenile Probation Officer, I am pushed to the limits with troubled youths and handle a variety of adverse situations that make me a perfect officer candidate. I am also an accepted mentor for cadets enrolled in the Texas Challenge Academy in Sheffield, Texas. Though I never led a division of sailors, I have led many young minds that may one day be one. I love motivating others to achieve their goals and rally them from a self-defeating attitude of, 'I cannot do it' to one of 'I can!' Steering a group of youths is different than leading sailors, but I can tell you it has helped me prepare for this challenge.

I am very well attuned to detail and conducting others. Through my attainment of a B.A. in Criminology from the University Of Texas Permian Basin, I have had excellent preparation for these skills of expertise. Everything I have is always in order and planned far ahead of time in case any changes need to be made. While attending college I completed an internship with the Department of Homeland Security which coincided with the tragic event of hurricane Katrina. I was involved in planning emergency response and relocation efforts for hurricane affected families and, subsequently, dictating allocation of Federal funds for emergency response crews in West Texas.

In conclusion, these life and professional events have taught me to overcome obstacles, effectively communicate and plan in many different ways; to better myself and those around me as much as I can. By achieving the goal of becoming a Navy Officer, I will continue to test my limits daily, strive for new heights and, ultimately, make my son proud of his father.

--Obviously a work in progress, but any critiques/pointers/advice/hatred, etc. will be considered and appreciated.

 

[m26]

Jaden, there are two huge problems that must be addressed:

-I don't understand why you want to be a Naval Officer, beyond it being a good career.
-The writing is stone cold terrible. Read this. You're trying too hard. Keep it simple.

 

[StompinNightmare]

You have the general points you'll want to use in your final version, but I'll have to agree with m26 on his points. It reads like one long stream of thought rather than a structured set of arguments. I'd suggest reading it over to yourself a few times and really trying to smooth it out. I'll be heading out of town for a few days to drop off some supplies to a friend's sister and her husband on their month long hike. So I won't be able to give any detailed help until the end of the weekend.

 

[smurf2002TKE]

I was told by my mentor the motivational statement is a lot like writing your Evaluation or Fitness Report. You have an opening statement which I like to put an example like PO sailor walks on water and is the best damn sailor in the Navy. Now, you need to have traits that backs these statements up, For motivational statement a good trait will be desired to serve and for my situation my experience in the navy allows me to do yadi yadi yada. I keep the rule of thumb like writing an Opening Statement, three bullets, and a conclusion statement. Remember try to keep it short and to the point without having run on sentences. Try to get used to writing like this considering you are aiming to be a Naval Officer and we have to write a lot of reports to make our bosses happy. Hope this helps.

Very Respectfully,
OS2 (SW)

 

[twobecrazy]

I was told by my mentor the motivational statement is a lot like writing your Evaluation or Fitness Report. You have an opening statement which I like to put an example like PO sailor walks on water and is the best damn sailor in the Navy. Now, you need to have traits that backs these statements up, For motivational statement a good trait will be desired to serve and for my situation my experience in the navy allows me to do yadi yadi yada. I keep the rule of thumb like writing an Opening Statement, three bullets, and a conclusion statement. Remember try to keep it short and to the point without having run on sentences. Try to get used to writing like this considering you are aiming to be a Naval Officer and we have to write a lot of reports to make our bosses happy. Hope this helps.

Very Respectfully,
OS2 (SW)

I can vaguely see a similarity but I wouldn't write mine like an EVAL. In fact, I didn't write mine anything like an EVAL. An EVAL in my opinion is used to gauge performance. A motivational statement should be personal. It is a way for you to tell a board of Naval Officers several things and at a minimum be answering these questions. Why do you want to be a Naval Officer? Why should the Navy choose you over another applicant? Finally, what do you offer the Navy? In my opinion it should be written from the heart. I never wrote an EVAL with my heart. I explained why I am awesome and gave reasons to back it up but I used my head when writing EVALs.

 

[smurf2002TKE]

That does make a little more since. I honestly am baffled on just starting it. Call it writers block if you want I always run into the same problem when preparing my own EVAL When I prepared a draft to be submitted for my LOR it took me half of my 12 hour watch the other night. I know when writing a EVAL I use third person to talk about myself. Should I write it in First Person? How long should my motivational statement be? I don't want to sound redundant to the selection board when they read many packages a day.

 

[twobecrazy]

I honestly am baffled on just starting it.

One idea is to look on the motivational statement mega thread and get an idea of what a good/bad statement sounds like. I didn't even know about this site yet when I started to write mine. I just started writing. Thought about it for about a day then wrote a little more. Edited it another day. Took a few days off here and there then wrote more. Rinse and repeat. It took me 2 weeks to have mine completed. I had it professionally edited and used several close people to proof read for content to ensure my message was where I wanted it. My best advice is to take your time with it.

Should I write it in First Person?

Yes

How long should my motivational statement be?

It depends on the person. I had a word restriction on mine so it was slightly less than 250 words out of a possible 500 (I think). Some people take more space to explain things. Others can do it with fewer words. It depends on the person but good editing will help as well...

I don't want to sound redundant to the selection board when they read many packages a day.

If you answer those questions from the heart then it shouldn't matter. It may initially sound similar to another applicant's statement (prominent family member, dream, etc) but it should quickly switch to personal as this is about you.

 

[smurf2002TKE]

A co-worker who is also a Lt jg in the reserves mentioned that as well. I should just brain storm ideas and go from there. I appreciate the guidance and help.