motivational statement

[Jbramps]

i have been having some trouble with my motivational statement. Here is my rough draft. any ideas and criticisms would be appreciated.

I am seeking a commission in the United Sates Navy so I can have the opportunity to give something back to my country. We live in the greatest country on Earth and I want to be an integral part of it’s growth as well as it’s defense. I have always felt a very deep sense of pride in my country and I somehow knew I would one day find myself in the military. When I think of an officer in the Navy: leadership, pride, motivation, focus, and integrity all come to mind. Throughout my various experiences in life I have been able to exhibit all of these characteristics extensively. The time I spent in the Boy Scouts gave me the leadership experiences I can use to be an integral part of the Navy. I look forward for opportunities to lead others and when I do so I perform superbly, especially under pressure. I take great pride in endeavors I undertake, and I take the time and effort to make sure things are done right the first time. I am a very focused and motivated individual who strives to be the best I can be. Earning a commission will give me the ability to further my skills and abilities and apply them wherever possible for my country. As an officer, I would have the unique opportunity to lead and guide others to their full potential. Serving in the United States military is difficult and demanding, but I am determined to do the work required in order to succeed. My whole life I have been fascinated with every aspect of flight. Every time I would hear a plane fly overhead I’d look up in awe and dream of one day having the opportunity to fly. Seeking a commission is my chance to do that and serve my country at the same time.

 

[fighterpfeif]

You got good ideas in the statement and it looks really good.

For mine I started with an intro that stated up front the reasons I wanted to join the the Navy: "My reasoning for seeking a commission in the United States Navy is grounded in my desire to serve my country, join a structured environment that is based upon esprit de corps, and to fly in an environment that I can’t find in the civilian aviation industry." I then went about expanding upon each one of those points and staying why each was true for me. Don't forget a good conclusion that leaves the reader with something to think about, just don't stop writing. I believe that a bad conclusion can hurt more than the contents of the statement.

You seem to make statements like:

The time I spent in the Boy Scouts gave me the leadership experiences I can use to be an integral part of the Navy.

If it were me I would steer away from making a statement that sounds you know what the Navy is like, not saying that you don't, but I wrote my statement with the motivation that I had my hat in my hand. It just seems like an arrogant statement, maybe say: "Being in the Boy Scouts allowed me a chance to undertake leadership roles...I would hope that I could expand upon these experiences in the Navy...?"

That would be how I would write it, but remember to tailor it to who you are and why you want to join.

 

[Spekkio]

I can't comment on the content, but the language is very basic and the writing is choppy. In other words, your essay sounds like:

I want to be in the Navy. I like the Navy. The Navy is good. I think I'm good enough for it. You should pick me because I was a boyscout. I like planes. I want to fly them.

Obviously you said it in more words, but the point is all your sentences are the same length and start the same way. You need to vary your sentence length and sentence openings. Additionally, your ideas are not tied together well at all, so you need to work on transitioning through them. Finally, you're a college graduate, so let's see some college vocabulary.

 

[BigIron]

I can't comment on the content, but the language is very basic and the writing is choppy. In other words, your essay sounds like:

I want to be in the Navy. I like the Navy. The Navy is good. I think I'm good enough for it. You should pick me because I was a boyscout. I like planes. I want to fly them.

Obviously you said it in more words, but the point is all your sentences are the same length and start the same way. You need to vary your sentence length and sentence openings. Additionally, your ideas are not tied together well at all, so you need to work on transitioning through them. Finally, you're a college graduate, so let's see some college vocabulary.

Compared to what I have seen in packages, this guy's essay is pretty good.

I think basic language is good. If I start seeing $3 words, I start zoning out. Tell the folks in your own words using good grammar, appropriate punctuation, while using a basic thought process of how you are motivated to be commissioned. You should be good to go. If you start quoting poetry or using flowery language, expect your application to be filed in the round file.

 

[oztin79]

Your essay looks very good. I understand what that one guy was saying about arrogance, but strong conviction and self-confidence can be the closer in your selection deal. There will be people in your class about whom you'll wonder how they got selected. Some of them you'll have a sense couldn't have written a stellar personal statement if their lives depended on it in captivity. Don't be too worried about writing the perfect statement. Yours is good and it should be. To me, the personal statement should describe (in no bs terms) what made you crazy enough be willing to go to war and possibly die for your country. If they don't see a lot of subterfuge, and too many words like "subterfuge," you'll be selected all things equal.

Best of luck!

 

[thenuge]

I can't comment on the content, but the language is very basic and the writing is choppy. In other words, your essay sounds like:

I want to be in the Navy. I like the Navy. The Navy is good. I think I'm good enough for it. You should pick me because I was a boyscout. I like planes. I want to fly them.

Obviously you said it in more words, but the point is all your sentences are the same length and start the same way. You need to vary your sentence length and sentence openings. Additionally, your ideas are not tied together well at all, so you need to work on transitioning through them. Finally, you're a college graduate, so let's see some college vocabulary.

When I first read your response I nearly whizled in my pants. Your interpretation of his essay was great. However, you were not totally correct in your criticism. Basic language that is easy to understand and presented well works. It has to be short, to the point, concise. You are not writting an epic saga here.

Oh man..."I want to be in the Navy. I like the Navy. The Navy is good. I think I'm good enough for it. You should pick me because I was a boyscout. I like planes. I want to fly them." That is good. Can I use that actually?

 

[Spekkio]

Use $3 flowery words? No, not saying that he has to go that far. There's a big difference between using better vocabulary to shorten your essay and make it more to the point, which is what you want, and using words to make your essay "flowery." I'm suggesting that he does the former. Using good vocabulary is useless if it doesn't flow, which usually results from not really understanding of the word's meaning and purposefully sticking it in there to "flower" the essay. Also, he doesn't need to use 20 letter words, just something better than what someone in middle school can write.

I happen to teach HS students essay writing, and the vocabulary/syntax/grammar in this statement is below average for their essay standards. It sounds like it was written by an 8th grader. You guys are college graduates, other college graduates are reading the essay, so write like a college graduate.

If this is good enough to get in then it saddens me.

 

[A4sForever]

....any ideas and criticisms would be appreciated.....I am seeking a commission in the United Sates Navy .....

Suggestion: tell them why you want to be a Naval Officer. Your essay is not as bad as at least one person herein believes it to be --- however, I see nothing that would indicate a preference for the .... NAVY.

Your stated goals and interests are nice and make me "feel good" about your intended direction ... but why "NAVY"??? Everything in your essay could apply equally to the Officer Corps of the Army, Air Force, or Marines. Heck, you could even shoot to be a Coastie --- but I don't see anything specific to Big Blue.

I was interested in the U.S. Navy and naval history in general from the tender age of 7 onward .... that's probably why I didn't apply to the Army or Air Force.

How about you ??

 

[Sayre]

Use $3 flowery words? No, not saying that he has to go that far. There's a big difference between using better vocabulary to shorten your essay and make it more to the point, which is what you want, and using words to make your essay "flowery." I'm suggesting that he does the former. Using good vocabulary is useless if it doesn't flow, which usually results from not really understanding of the word's meaning and purposefully sticking it in there to "flower" the essay. Also, he doesn't need to use 20 letter words, just something better than what someone in middle school can write.

I happen to teach HS students essay writing, and the vocabulary/syntax/grammar in this statement is below average for their essay standards. It sounds like it was written by an 8th grader. You guys are college graduates, other college graduates are reading the essay, so write like a college graduate.

If this is good enough to get in then it saddens me.

I have to agree with Spekkio on this. This statement was posted here to get some feedback and it's getting just that. There's nothing wrong with not using SAT words in your essay but there are some errors in what's been written so far. Most schools have a writing lab that will help you with things like this. Let them take a look at what you have and get their input. The use of proper grammar and syntax can say a great deal about a person. I get the feeling from the replies so far, however, that some people think a well written essay will get an application thrown out. Think about what you're applying for and take the appropriate course.

 

[Brett327]

Think about what you're applying for and take the appropriate course.

Exactly. This is an application for a commissioning program, not a doctoral dissertation in literature. Some of you are over-thinking this.

Brett

 

[greysword]

I would like to preface this answer with the understanding that this is my third time trying for an OCS program, and I have yet to submit my package (in the next day or two).

Your motivational statement sounds like a resume. The ideas are good, however most of it should be in your recommendation letters from others and not from you.

Your primary motivation is to serve your country...big deal. You can serve by enlisting, joining the peace corp, becoming a firefighter or policeman, being an admin in a government office, etc.

Why do You WANT to be an officer? What is really making you spend hours and hours filling out that dad-gum SF 86, tracking down your long lost aunt's bagboy from 1956? Describe the fire that burns in you and SAY IT!! SAY IT....err, sorry Sam Kineson moment from the movie Back to School

What do you offer the Navy that they should spend millions of $$ on you to be a pilot, NFO, or whatever. Thats great that you want to fly, there is Joe's flying school over there and you could just as happily accept a job flying rubber dog poop out of Hong Kong (name that movie!).

Basically, I would like to suggest you TELL THEM why they should pick you. TELL THEM the great things you bring to the table and why they should buy your product? Do NOT be modest, either. Say it in as few words possible with a normal vocabulary, but Tell Them! Get them fired up to read the rest of your package instead of accentuating the post lunch burrito coma that is onsetting. (look, accentuate is an example of a good college word to use)

Get yourself all hot and worked up, sit down, and babble onto the screen/paper about how much you rule and how they are idiots if you are not selected. Lay it out in those terms if required. Once finished, stop and leave for the rest of the day/night. Come back the next day all calm, cool, sipping your benerage of choice, then take what you wrote and make it coherant and respectful without loosing the flavor. (coherant is another good college word)

Just my thoughts. Thank you for listening..be having nice day!

 

[Jbramps]

while i appreciate all of your comments i think some of you are getting a little to excited about this. This is my rough draft, i threw it together pretty quick and wanted mostly feedback on the general points not my writing abilities. thanks for the repsonses anyway, ill post a revised version when i finish it.

 

[A4sForever]

.....coherant (sic) is another good college word.....

And "coherent" is an even better one ...

 

[greysword]

I was too excited to use spell check

 

[A4sForever]

I was too excited to use spell check

Spell check ??? Me neither ... but then again, I wasn't excited.