i have been having some trouble with my motivational statement. Here is my rough draft. any ideas and criticisms would be appreciated.
I am seeking a commission in the United Sates Navy so I can have the opportunity to give something back to my country. We live in the greatest country on Earth and I want to be an integral part of it’s growth as well as it’s defense. I have always felt a very deep sense of pride in my country and I somehow knew I would one day find myself in the military.a) you aren't in the military yet, so don't say you always knew. b) don't "find yourself in the military" that lacks purpose, motivation, etc. say "...and I always hoped to serve in the military." When I think of characteristics of an officer in the Navy: leadership, pride, motivation, focus, and integrity all come to mind. Throughout my (various experiences in don't need this) life I have been able to (exhibit)develop all of these characteristics extensively. As a Boy Scout I The time I spent in the Boy Scouts gave me the leadership experiences I can use to be an integral part of the Navy. I look forward (for)to opportunities to lead others and believe I can perform superbly as an officer, especially under pressure. I take great pride in endeavors I undertake, and I take the time and effort to make sure things are done right the first time. i deleted two sentences here. "As an officer, I would have the unique opportunity to lead and guide others to their full potential, while furthering my own skills and abilities in service to my country." Serving in the United States military is difficult and demanding,(how do you know? don't say this) but I am determined to do the work required in order to succeed. Instead: I believe serving in the United States....
New paragraph.My whole life I have been fascinated with every aspect of flight, and I have always hoped to one day have the opportunity to fly in the military. (Every time I would hear a plane fly overhead I’d look up in awe and dream of one day having the opportunity to fly) unecessary. SeekingEarning a commission as an aviator in the Navy is my chance to do that and serve my country at the same time.
