Motivational statement

[BlackBearHockey]

Eh, what the hell I'll post the 397 word essay. I'm probably not gonna use this, though, since it sounds too choppy and underdeveloped for my taste. So I'll probably remove the burger part. You tell me though:
----------------------------------
There are few things more American than a good burger. Many people use frozen patties out of convenience, even though this sacrifices taste. Their reasoning is that it’s “just a burger,” but I don’t see it that way. I prefer to make my burgers from scratch. The extra time it takes me to mix together quality ingredients, mold some patties and cook them just right results in several satisfied palettes at every barbecue. But my commitment to be the best goes far beyond cooking burgers, which is why I make an excellent candidate for a U.S. Naval officer.

Seriously, the burger thing needs to go. I'm all for metaphors, I think they're the best tool in the language and use them as much as possible (though mostly spliced with Top Gun quotes ). If you really want to keep the McReference, slim it down to one sentence. Ex:, "Instead of purchasing typical convenience burgers, if one opts to create his own from scratch, the taste and uniqueness will provide for a much more delightful consumption." <-- That's stupid, but you get the idea, don't go on and on about a burger. You're applying for a job in which if you screw up, people die. It's not a patty-cake liason position. Sorry, but it is my personal opinion that likening being a Naval Officer to a grill master, however indirectly, is absurd. You can definitely find something unique that will tie into it much better.

Life as a Naval officer will certainly be challenging. I intend to approach that challenge with the same zeal in which I have undertook all of my jobs, consistently resulting in outstanding performance. As a teacher at Kaplan, 62% of my students rated me “excellent” overall, and students routinely request to be in my class at the local High School where I teach.

Having that success in teaching is good, as it shows that the men you will lead and subsequently teach will listen and react well. However, how many times have you had a teacher that you've liked but haven't learned a damn thing? I would much rather see "My students aced all their tests and scored X points better on the SAT" than "they really liked me" if that data is available.

The other paragraphs were OK, not much to change around except for some wording, content was good though.

Overall, there were some good points and bad. In my honest opinion, a lot of it sounded wishy-washy, almost little-leagueish. I hope I do well or Gee golly I sure think I can do it. I'd like it to sound more assertive. Replace words that imply probability with words that assure certainty. Also, sentence structure-wise, everything was very short. Lengthen some sentences, shorten others. A longer sentence followed by a three-word punchout can be very effective.

I would suggest adding a few lines about wanting the lifestyle of the Navy too. Me personally, and granted this coming from a lowly Mid, but I love the Navy 24/7. I seriously can't get enough. I'm not doing it just to maybe fly, but to be immersed in the culture and fraternity. The above statement almost treated it as a 9-5. Now, I wouldn't recommend you describe your hard-on for the Navy either, but find a nice middle ground.

The choppiness you described, I wouldn't worry about it, it's not a long enough piece to have seamless transitions. I liked how it had a professional tone, but felt a lot of it was a little too topical.

Hope that helps.

 

[SDNalgene]

I don't like to beat dead horses, but since you kept the burger paragraph despite numerous, blunt suggestions that it needed to go...GET RID OF THAT PARAGRAPH!!! It eats up words and adds nothing.

I think your last paragraph starts to get you where you want to go with this statement in that it deals with why you want to be in the Navy. This is a motivational statement, not a summary of your qualifications. I think you were right when you said that your job related information will be covered elsewhere, as will your academics and leadership experience.

My suggestion would be to focus on the reasons you desire to serve, with much more focus given to why you are motivated to give the Navy something of value. To me it seems like the main reasons you gave for being motivated to take this job is that you want the education, opportunities, and benefits that come with the job. Now don't get me wrong, those things certainly are valid motivators and they definitely contributed to my decision to serve as well. However, think about it from the Navy's perspective. Your motivation is too much about what you hope to gain, and not enough about what you hope to give and why you are willing to give it.

I suggest that you ask yourself some basic questions: Why do you love this country? Why is it worth defending? Why are you willing to give the best years of your life in its service? Why do you want to serve in the Navy? Why in the submarine community? These big picture questions are what they are looking for.

Answer those questions genuinely and you will go a long way in explaining to the selection board why you want to do this. Telling them about burgers, kids liking you at Kaplan, and that you hope to grow as a person don't quite have the same effect.

Just my take. Use it as you see fit. By the way, the lowly mid above had a lot of wise words, but again, use it as you see fit. Best of luck to you.

 

[Spekkio]

Ok, I'm getting rid of the burger thing. If I get rid of the burger thing on the first posted essay, it's down to 380 words. With some other minor condensing I can probably get it down to 350. With a revision of my last paragraph, I'll have plenty of room to expand on why I want to be a Naval officer. This will also fix the short sentences that black bear pointed out since the first essay had more varied sentence structure.

Unfortunately, I don't have any hard data on how much my students have gone up in score.

The reason for my uncertainty is that I didn't want to sound too presumptious. I'm not a Naval officer yet, and honestly, I can only speak on the subject from the outside. I've been told a ton of things about the Naval community, both good and bad, but it's still second hand knowledge. For example, numerous people have told me that even though it's a lot of work, life on a sub is more casual, relatively speaking to the rest of the military. Now, these people could be talking out of their ass for all I know on both points, or they could be telling the truth but it varies based upon who the CO is.

Goob, NOTHING about leadership? I felt I addressed that in my 3rd paragraph. Do you think it's weak/needs further development, or did you just dismiss it entirely? And ALL my jobs? Not that this has any bearing on my essay, but I'm 24 years old and have been working since I was 16, not to mention I've gone away to college. I worked for the town of hempstead for 4 years, left when I relocated to a different township and worked at a local supermarket for a few months until I got my job at Kaplan. Kaplan has been a part-time job for me since then. Worked at CA full-time post graduation, typical office bullshit, then discovered that I needed to go back to school for physics if I was going to pursue the Navy. Since May I've been working at a mortgage company full-time. The only time I've been fired from a job was when I was 16 and someone stole money out of my register (of course word is from friends they got a locker to lock up drawers AFTER this...while I was there they had some shitty method to put it in a canvas bag with your employee id on it). Lucky for me, that was more than 7 years ago .

Again, thanks for the advice everyone.

 

[HAL Pilot]

The reason for my uncertainty is that I didn't want to sound too presumptious.

The truth of the matter is that anyone who is not yet an Navy officer claiming they will be a good officer is in itself presumptuous. Yet that is exactly one of the premises of the motivational statement.

If you don't toot your own horn, nobody else will. If you aren't presumptuous enough to convince others you have what it takes to be a good Navy officer, you won't be.

Be presumptuous. (and spell it right too...)

Oh yeah, glad to see you finally agreed to get rid of the burger thing. Good choice, it really sucked. If I was on the board, I would have laughed your application right into the reject pile.

 

[Spekkio]

Touche.

Funny thing is that the 3 people (non-officers) who edited my statement prior to posting liked the analogy. Go figure.

Oh, and it's late so that's why the typo. I think it's time to sleep on this and revise it tomorrow.

 

[A4sForever]

Ok, I'm getting rid of the burger thing. ...

Let us not jump the gun, here. Keep your options open. The rest of these guys don't have the "big picture".

If the Navy doesn't work out for you, I might want a double cheeseburger with lettuce/tomato and special sauce.

 

[Spot]

Mmmmm. Burgers....
I honestly don't think that they will say "Well, this guy only has 392 words. But that other statement had 398 words. Toss the shorter of the two because it isn't long enough."

Just say what you are going to say, convey your message, and don't try to philosophize and use a ton of metaphors. If you are under 400 words, great. If you are at 405, then chop or reword a sentence or two if it really bothers you. As long as you have a solid statement, I’m pretty sure that they will give you a little leeway above and below the 400 word mark.

 

[RootinTootin]

If this post reads like gibberish, it isn't my fault. Its the fact that I am in the 10th hour of my watch.

My motivational statement, when I applied for OCS, was about 200 words. In my opinion, the military is not about flowery language. It is about getting your point accross and doing it now. Busy people, CEO's, managers, and officers with real responsibilities (i.e. those not in a pool) have stuff to do. Keep this in mind when writing this statement. My statement was also very direct in what I had accomplished to that point, and how I felt about my ability going into the unknown world of the Navy. Hope it helps, and just because I am curious do you wear glasses? If you don't the other nukes will make fun of you for being normal.

 

[FLYTPAY]

Keep the burger part! Combined with the Rex-kwon-do you are a shoo-in Kip!.....on a more serious note, change the tae-kwon-do paragraph and tell how you are a leader out of class also. Naval officers are stellar examples both on and off duty.

 

[HAL Pilot]

...change the tae-kwon-do paragraph ....

The burger paragraph kind of over-shadowed the tae-kwon-do one....

Seriously, you're passions may be burgers and tae-kwon-do but neither is going to gain you a commission. Like FLYPAY said, you have to show leadership. Gaining the black belt is individual imitative (a good thing). Now you have to show how this benefited the team (leadership).

 

[BackOrdered]

Gaining the black belt is individual imitative (a good thing). Now you have to show how this benefited the team (leadership).

Well that depends HAL. Some studios have a culture where Black Belts are regarded in the same way officers are regarded in many ways.

For example, you were a pillar of the institution as a Black belt. If a technique needs to be demonstrated or taught to the lesser belts and the senior instructor is preoccupied, the instructor will pick on the black belts and expect them to perform it well, as will the junior students. Your form and abilities are peer evaluated all the time and people will call your missteps and you may lose credibly, especially when teaching the lesser belt in front of the instructors. Although not mandatory (but for the most senior students it kinda was socially) you were expected to go to special tourneys and competitions with the studio's best and perform well, not for just for personal gain, but to represent the studio positively; this was usually the Senior instructor, his associate instructors, and his most senior students in terms of the skill level. In short, when you became a Black belt, you became part of the policy and philosophy of that studio.

On to leadership, at second degree, you were also allowed to instruct and lead the classes for belt certifications. The most excellent higher tier color belts may also instruct a group under the supervision of an instructor. Teamwork, attention to detail, leading by example, inspiring morale, organizing people, and demonstrating excellence; you were a role model and example of what the junior most belts wanted to become and a model of the achievements they will hope to aspire to. In my old studio you even had to call the Black Belts "mr./ms. or ma'am/sir" and bow even if you are much older.

That's was my studio, they were really big on the qualification and self-image of the Black Belts. But in that, much opportunity for leadership was found. My advice to the OP is if he is going to mention taekwondo, go this route and show examples of your leadership in that environment. I'm sure you have plenty you left out.

 

[Spekkio]

Well, I'm currently reworking the entire essay as the theme was no good, but tiz hit the nail on the head with how being a black belt entails leadership. I think that all good martial arts schools operate in this manner. Unfortunately, explaining all that in under 400 words in addition to my desire to become a naval officer becomes...exceedingly difficult. I think tiz's post alone violates the limit. From the sounds of it, it doesn't seem like the people criticizing that part of my essay have been involved extensively in martial arts. Then again that's a good thing, since I shouldn't expect the review board to understand what I'm talking about without explaining it.

I currently have a 150 word outline of why I want to be an officer, just having trouble putting it together so that it sounds eloquent.

 

[BackOrdered]

Well, I'm currently reworking the entire essay as the theme was no good, but tiz hit the nail on the head with my taekwondo school. Unfortunately, explaining all that in under 400 words in addition to my desire to become a naval officer becomes...impossible.

With a little elbow gease, I could have turned my last post into a motivational statement. I guess what I'm saying is that there is nothing wrong with having a single theme and working around it, so long as you get the point across that you and military life are in sync.

Another point to add on being allowed to instruct in taekwondo, it was a high privilege. People were paying at the time 60 dollars a month (under a contract) for quality martial arts training. You WILL be told you suck by paying customers and won't be invited to instruct again if it comes to it. Again, you were definitely learning to lead from the front.

 

[Goob83]

Aight!! bottom line many folks are giving you guidance. if you were applying for anything other than NUKE all good. as I said before your grades, Major and interviews sell you to the Navy. a goofy statement will detract. Keep it simple and show the things i mentioned before in simple english. Well since the nukes will be reading it maybe they will interperate things differently butttt IF you were my applicant I would trash the enitre thing and make you start over. To include facts like you mentioned high gpa with full work load leadership from Karate stuff and the two other items what you can do for Navy and what the Navy can do for you.

You are really NUKING THIS OUT so I have no doubt your will be qualified. go on the VIP, do the MOCK interviews and get physically qualified then you are good to go.

 

[HAL Pilot]

Well that depends HAL. Some studios have a culture where Black Belts are regarded in the same way officers are regarded in many ways.

I don't disagree with this at all. He just needs to "sell" this better than he did in his existing paragraph.