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My motivational statement

thull

Well-Known Member
Looking to apply for BDCP SNA...let me know what you guys think about my statement. Thank you.

The person I am today is the result of many people striving to build my character up. Through many experiences my father has taught me values such as strong work ethic, responsibility, leadership skills, time management and punctuality. Through these life lessons, I have become an adult man capable of many things, but I realize my potential for growth. I know I have potential to do extraordinary things in my life. However, I am only able to do these things through certain outlets that allow me to accomplish extraordinary things. I feel that the best outlet for me to achieve my highest level of excellence is as an aviator in the United States Navy. I am a very goal oriented person with strong convictions and an even stronger will. I have decided that I am going to pursue a career as a Naval Aviator to no end. This is something that has persuaded decisions in my life for the past year at least and will continue to become an even larger factor until I realize the dream of piloting a United States Navy aircraft on an aircraft carrier, ship or on land. I am motivated and dedicated to seeing this dream come to fruition. Through serving one’s country there is no higher honor. I look forward to experiencing the honor of serving the United States through the Navy. Thank you for the opportunity to serve in the Navy. I look forward to my career in the Navy and I am excited to see where I can serve.


Very Respectfully,

hate to be blunt, but the only part of this i'd keep is what I didn't put in bold. the rest either doesn't say anything, is presumptive, redundant, or nonsensical. the first sentence can easily be read as what you are was made by others' work, not by your own hard work. Start off with a conviction, or statement of who you are, or a statement about what you believe.

Bear in mind that you are NOT YET in the Navy, and therefore everything you say about the Navy and your place in the Navy is your understanding/belief/hope as an outsider looking in. Use "I believe" or "I feel".."I hope to someday experience the honor of serving"..instead of "I look forward to my career"..

good luck
 
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