NROTC Essay, Final Try (Hopefully)

[A10DCC]

Not 100% sure but when I learned how to write a military document (air force airmen leadership school) the word "you" is a sin. After all you are trying to say why you want to be an officer, not telling someone else to become an officer.
I also did not see very many personal reasons why you would be a great officer (leadership skills etc..) just a bunch of "the Navy is cool and I want to be in it because all of my family was in the Navy" stuff.
Other than that it is well written but if it were me I would make it more personal.

 

[Crowbar]

"My dad is in the Navy," my high-pitched, six-year-old voice would proudly proclaim

The only real input I can give you is this. Have a whiny six year old read your essay out loud to you. That's what I heard in my head when I read it. If you had lead with, "I want to be in the Navy" my voice boomed across the open field, then I would have heard James Earl Jones the entire time I was reading it.

Let your writing have its own voice, don't assign it one, especially a whiny one.

 

[Md540il]

Wow. Was trying to show support for a young man who is at a crossroad in his life and may be dedicating decades of his life to service. I haven't updated my profile since I joined over a year and a half ago; been busy training. If you'd like to turn this into a personal attack, I'm not interested. It never stops blowing me away that we can all serve the same cause but be such dicks to each other. What hole in your life are you filling by gabbing here?

As for having his essay reviewed here, by those who may be on the "motherfucking board" (nice example for the teenager), all of the advice has been right on, but less than professional, olq, constructive, etc.

Won't be posting anymore or reviewing AW. Don't waste your time ripping me up, just give good advice to the kid without being a poor model of our profession.

 

[fc2spyguy]

If you'd like to turn this into a personal attack, I'm not interested. It never stos blowing me away that we can all serve the same cause but be such dicks to each other. What hole in your life are you filling by gabbing here?

Goat, don't take these replies too personally. If you become an officer, you'll quickley learn that service members often compensate for their shortcomings by dealing sharply and unprofessionally with others.

Looks to me like you've already turned this into a personal attack, but I may be reading that wrong, not to sure, not a former teacher like yourself . . .

 

[MasterBates]

Thin skinned are we?

Look, did you read his first 2 attempts in the other threads? We gave him "nicer" advice earlier. Some people take subtle. Others need a cluebat upside the cranium.

 

[a-6intruder]

I can't really imagine that there is a whole lot of variation between these things among applicants. State who you are, why you want to join (no need for dramatic prose here), and how you can add to our team. You don't need to stand out as unique here, just qualified and motivated; most of your peers applying will have similar stats to yours, so you are not going to blow the board away with your family history or stories of what you percieve flying a jet to be like.

You are correct, although you'd be amazed how many freak show essays get submitted. Rarely will the essay get you in the door if the rest of your packet isn't solid (academics, SATs, extracurricular, etc), but frequently it will get you tossed in the reject pile for poor attention to detail (grammar, spelling, punctuation) or a goofy essay that makes me question his / her attitude, judgment, or sanity.

 

[anonymousgoat]

Thank you everyone for your help. Since there are no more active battleships, I am changing "battleships" to "destroyers" in my essay.

As for the first paragraph, although I am still considering deleting it, right now I am just going to edit it to make it more moderate. Here is what I'm probably changing it to:


“My dad is in the Navy,” I would proudly proclaim when asked what my father’s profession was. Other children’s dads were managers, lawyers, and doctors, which was fine with me, but my dad was a Naval Officer. He sailed on gigantic aircraft carriers for a living. Now that was the type of job I wanted.


I know some (or a lot) of you will disagree with me, but I really do think that this intro helps me slide into my body more smoothly, and make my essay more personal among hundreds of similar applicants.

 

[OUSOONER]

Thank you everyone for your help. Since there are no more active battleships, I am changing "battleships" to "destroyers" in my essay.

As for the first paragraph, although I am still considering deleting it, right now I am just going to edit it to make it more moderate. Here is what I'm probably changing it to:


?My dad is in the Navy,? I would proudly proclaim when asked what my father?s profession was. Other children?s dads were managers, lawyers, and doctors, which was fine with me, but my dad was a Naval Officer. He sailed on gigantic aircraft carriers for a living. Now that was the type of job I wanted.


I know some (or a lot) of you will disagree with me, but I really do think that this intro helps me slide into my body more smoothly, and make my essay more personal among hundreds of similar applicants.

Well if you want to be taken seriously, I highly suggest you not include it. It will not have the desired effect you are looking for. I've had to write the same essays you did. I was accepted into an NROTC program before I did OCS.

Been there done that. I've read and reviewed many other statements as well.

If you search deep in AW, there is some guy that started his statement. "This is where I belong!", or to that effect. Needless to say, they thought he belonged in the non-select pile.
He had great credentials too. Why do you not look at the motivational statement thread on here and read all the other success stories? One thing you will learn quickly is to not try and reinvent the wheel.

Do you want to get in or not? It won't be because of your essay...like the gentleman above you said. If you're good on paper it will only hurt , a good well-written essay usually just tries to tip the balance in your favor. We're telling you in many different forms, that what you have in a nutshell might stand out..but not the way you wish for it to. Is this about seeing how neat you can make your essay look? Or is it about putting a check in the box and getting you acceptance letter to go onto bigger and better things?

If we didn't care we wouldn't even review your stuff. Whoever is reading your essay and saying "Wow, this is great stuff!" is doing you a disservice.

 

[anonymousgoat]

Revised Essay

Here is a revised version of the essay, with most the suggestions that were discussed, and some changes I added myself. Please tell me what you think of this one.

Discuss your reasons for wanting to become a Naval Officer.

My family is undoubtedly the thing that sparked my desire to become a Naval Officer: my dad was a Naval Academy graduate, my uncle a Navy doctor, and my grandfather a Naval Flight Officer. For me to join the Navy and become a Naval Officer is a continuance of a tradition generations old. I would consider it a great honor to be able to follow in their footsteps, but there's more to my decision than that. I am not blindly pursuing a career as a Naval Officer, I have done endless hours of research on this career choice, and the more research I do about the Navy and Naval Officers, the surer I am that this is what I want to become.

Because Naval Officers have played such a large part in my family life, I know what type of person it takes to be one, and what type of extraordinary people they are. I can recognize them by the pride with which they hold themselves and the confidence with which they speak. They are the people who command destroyers, fly jets, and dive submarines, things that most people can only imagine doing. They are willing not only to give up their life for their country, but also to lead like-minded men and women who are willing to do the same. They have to make split second decisions that test who they are and will vastly impact the lives of those under their command. This is the type of person I want to be; I want to be a Naval Officer.

I realize that becoming a Naval Officer isn't going to be easy, that officers have to go through rigorous mental and physical training before they can receive their commissions. I look forward to the challenge; I know that the intensive training I will undergo on the path to becoming a Naval Officer will make me better physically, mentally, and morally. I know that the choices I will be faced with and the quick decisions that I will have to make will turn me into a competent leader, and in the process show me who I really am. I know that becoming a Naval Officer will push me to my limits and that the trials I face will result in me becoming the best that I can be. And I know that these ordeals will be hard, yet rewarding. I hope that one day in the future I will have earned the right to call myself a United States Naval Officer.

 

[MIDNJAC]

You are getting closer, but I think you are still kind of overdramatizing the life of a Naval Officer. It's a cool job, but it is still a job, and we aren't gods.