Family Disapproval - what do I do?

[BDavis11]

I know it's been awhile since there's been a post but figured I'd share in case it might help someone down the road.

It's kinda funny, but I think family disapproval has more to do with your parents/relatives feeling abandoned/not being able to "access" you and/or having "empty nest" syndrome.

Both my parents were prior enlisted Air Force (plus my Oma was former Army nurse back in Korea/Vietnam, grandfather served in WWII), 100% supported my brother's interest in the military, but didn't approve mine. When I told my parents I was enlisting, my mom was absolutely livid and my dad was just, indifferent, only asked that I not immediately get knocked up and married in my first year (ironically, two things they now are concerned I'll never do lol). For them, I think it was mostly empty nest syndrome kicking in and the fact that my brother will always come back home if asked and I was always adamant about leaving. When I was traveling to my first duty station, I stopped by to visit them (out of courtesy) and my mom started treating me like I was in high school again, demanding I take every holiday leave to visit them, asking for access to my banking accounts, etc... Basically told her that I had no financial ties to her, no legal obligations to her, and that I never would have to visit or see them again if I didn't want to because I was a grown adult with a steady income.

Believe it or not, our relationship has dramatically improved since then. It's like picklesuit said, if they don't pay your bills, their opinion doesn't matter. Set boundaries and succeed in your job. Who knows, time may change their minds.

Thanks for coming to my TED Talk.

I don't want to assume your gender but the "getting knocked up and married" part leads me to female. I say that to say this, it kinda sounds like they were more reserved on you joining due to the way females are treated in the military and the general understanding that most females join and immediately end up pregnant and/or married. that is understandable to a degree. However, the "let me access your bank account because i am your parent" was very excessive lol. I am glad that you were able to put your foot down to them and that the relationship has improved. My mom always pushed "go to college or join the military". I was always against the military route so I did college, hit some slightly hard times and ended up joining anyways.

 

[HeartofTexas]

I don't want to assume your gender but the "getting knocked up and married" part leads me to female. I say that to say this, it kinda sounds like they were more reserved on you joining due to the way females are treated in the military and the general understanding that most females join and immediately end up pregnant and/or married. that is understandable to a degree. However, the "let me access your bank account because i am your parent" was very excessive lol. I am glad that you were able to put your foot down to them and that the relationship has improved. My mom always pushed "go to college or join the military". I was always against the military route so I did college, hit some slightly hard times and ended up joining anyways.

Hmm can't assume nowadays, I mean...it is a new Navy but yes, I am female lol

It's funny how life works out sometimes. When I was in middle school, I never thought I'd be in the military. When I enlisted, I figured I'd do my time and leave. Now here I am, ready to sign for an additional 8-10 years to be a pilot.

 

[BDavis11]

Hmm can't assume nowadays, I mean...it is a new Navy but yes, I am female lol

It's funny how life works out sometimes. When I was in middle school, I never thought I'd be in the military. When I enlisted, I figured I'd do my time and leave. Now here I am, ready to sign for an additional 8-10 years to be a pilot.

LOL right!. I had the same mindset, I would do my 4 and get out. That 4 came up pretty quick, then there was the reenlistment bonus which was rare so i maxed out and signed up for 6 more and now going for pilot I'll def finish it out. Navy is easy enough.

 

[exNavyOffRec]

I know it's been awhile since there's been a post but figured I'd share in case it might help someone down the road.

It's kinda funny, but I think family disapproval has more to do with your parents/relatives feeling abandoned/not being able to "access" you and/or having "empty nest" syndrome.

Both my parents were prior enlisted Air Force (plus my Oma was former Army nurse back in Korea/Vietnam, grandfather served in WWII), 100% supported my brother's interest in the military, but didn't approve mine. When I told my parents I was enlisting, my mom was absolutely livid and my dad was just, indifferent, only asked that I not immediately get knocked up and married in my first year (ironically, two things they now are concerned I'll never do lol). For them, I think it was mostly empty nest syndrome kicking in and the fact that my brother will always come back home if asked and I was always adamant about leaving. When I was traveling to my first duty station, I stopped by to visit them (out of courtesy) and my mom started treating me like I was in high school again, demanding I take every holiday leave to visit them, asking for access to my banking accounts, etc... Basically told her that I had no financial ties to her, no legal obligations to her, and that I never would have to visit or see them again if I didn't want to because I was a grown adult with a steady income.

Believe it or not, our relationship has dramatically improved since then. It's like picklesuit said, if they don't pay your bills, their opinion doesn't matter. Set boundaries and succeed in your job. Who knows, time may change their minds.

Thanks for coming to my TED Talk.

or a person's family is straight up anti-military like the guy who I was with on my first ship who's family was a bunch of hippies on a commune, or the guy who's family was Jehovah Witnesses and he left the church then joined the USN, there was another guy I served with who's family disapproved and hadn't seen or spoken to his parents in over 5 years since he joined (he did have contact with his grandparents)

 

[RoarkJr.]

I can’t imagine what it would be like to have a family that wasn’t supportive. That goes to show that money, vacations, and having all of the newest nicest things really doesn’t matter. Someone who has all of those things but has a family that isn’t supportive of them or is difficult to please or make proud has it a lot worse than a poor kid whose parents are proud of them and support them every step of the way.

I come from a family who loves aviation. My grandfather was an Air Force intelligence guy on bombers, and my dad and him built massive RC planes and had history channel dogfight stuff on the TV constantly. I also recall playing an F 22 raptor simulator on a Windows 98 computer. Lol. Now they are to the point of tears every time I tell them about something new I did.

Kudos to those who pursue their dreams despite a not-so-supportive family.

 

[Birdbrain]

I am the first person in my family, nuclear and extended, that has chosen military service. At the end of the day my folks were hesitant to let me go, because they don't want anything to happen to their boy, but always supportive of the fact that I chose to do something with my life that was greater than myself (service for others) and something that I had been fascinated about since I was a kid (aviation and military service). After sitting down and explaining to them that this was more than some whimsical pipe dream from a college senior who was seeking a thrill they were on board.

That probably didn't come easy to my dad, whose father was anti-war and anything military, for the same reason. Funny enough, he now supports me too. Good parents just don't want to have to bury their child - a very real possibility that rears its ugly head every so often unfortunately. Loss of close contact and "empty nest syndrome" probably plays into it too for many parents.

I also can't imagine what it would be like to have an unsupportive family. Every time I call them they ask me what I'm doing and are amazed at the stories I tell from what now seems like normal life to me. If you are going through this and have an unsupportive family and you keep doing what you're doing and do it well because deep down you see it as your path then props to you. Keep it up!

 

[Deleted member 67144 scul]

Talk about a blast to the past this thread is. I never thought at the time that a couple years later I'd be organizing reserve support and response to at least one national disaster or de facto running a unit large enough to fully crew a Freedom-class LCS, assuming we had the right ratings and designators. Time flies, but it's been a hell of an experience and I've met and worked with lots of wonderful Sailors.

I can’t imagine what it would be like to have a family that wasn’t supportive.

I also can't imagine what it would be like to have an unsupportive family.

It's difficult, probably worse as a reservist when you aren't a thousand miles or half a world a way from having to deal with that. It was like fighting a consistent battle. It likely doesn't help them sleep easier knowing my reserve community almost exclusively MOBs to very undesirable locations or active warzones. I probably had more arguments in 2018 and 2019 than I did the rest of my life. At this point the main complaint is that I'm doing Navy work almost daily, and my folks don't like seeing me losing sleep and stressed out from 2 jobs when they ask about it. My civilian job already is a good 60+ hours a week. They've otherwise mostly come to terms with the whole Navy thing which is good.

 

[FinkUFreaky]

Talk about a blast to the past this thread is. I never thought at the time that a couple years later I'd be organizing reserve support and response to at least one national disaster or de facto running a unit large enough to fully crew a Freedom-class LCS, assuming we had the right ratings and designators. Time flies, but it's been a hell of an experience and I've met and worked with lots of wonderful Sailors.




It's difficult, probably worse as a reservist when you aren't a thousand miles or half a world a way from having to deal with that. It was like fighting a consistent battle. It likely doesn't help them sleep easier knowing my reserve community almost exclusively MOBs to very undesirable locations or active warzones. I probably had more arguments in 2018 and 2019 than I did the rest of my life. At this point the main complaint is that I'm doing Navy work almost daily, and my folks don't like seeing me losing sleep and stressed out from 2 jobs when they ask about it. My civilian job already is a good 60+ hours a week. They've otherwise mostly come to terms with the whole Navy thing which is good.

I'd only throw out that reservist billets and the associated mobilizations (to the active warzones, and other very undesirable locations) likely aren't meant for someone working 60+ hours a week... And if all that is true your family is probably right to worry about you. What are you the CEO of???

 

[AIRMMCPORET]

Excellent advice, no outstanding advice. Burn no bridges, remember he is your father, good bad or indifferent. That said it is your life, not a dress rehearsal. You must follow your dream. Do it.

Full disclosure: I retired from the Navy at 20 years (kiddy cruise and constructive time), know a whole lot about the Navy. I did not want my son to attend the USNA, several reasons, all of which were wrong headed. On his own he obtain a nomination, got accepted and graduated top of his class. Now, I feel kinda stupid, given what he has done, has accomplished and the future ahead of him. I am glad he did.

Love this post, thanks for the honesty brother.??⚓️?

 

[AIRMMCPORET]

Talk about a blast to the past this thread is. I never thought at the time that a couple years later I'd be organizing reserve support and response to at least one national disaster or de facto running a unit large enough to fully crew a Freedom-class LCS, assuming we had the right ratings and designators. Time flies, but it's been a hell of an experience and I've met and worked with lots of wonderful Sailors.




It's difficult, probably worse as a reservist when you aren't a thousand miles or half a world a way from having to deal with that. It was like fighting a consistent battle. It likely doesn't help them sleep easier knowing my reserve community almost exclusively MOBs to very undesirable locations or active warzones. I probably had more arguments in 2018 and 2019 than I did the rest of my life. At this point the main complaint is that I'm doing Navy work almost daily, and my folks don't like seeing me losing sleep and stressed out from 2 jobs when they ask about it. My civilian job already is a good 60+ hours a week. They've otherwise mostly come to terms with the whole Navy thing which is good.

Go full time Navy, and quit being a part time American,FTS ring a bell.

Your civilian job can’t be that great.??⚓️?

 

[AIRMMCPORET]

Best thread I’ve read hear in awhile.?

I can’t imagine having ever told my kids what carrier path they should take.?

For all the aspiring Enlisted/Naval Officers out there my advice is keep opening all the hatches on that passageway, your gonna hit some knee knockers along the way every sailor does, those scrapes just make you a better sailor.

And yes you’ll run into people that say you can’t do this or that, as I did along the passageway, but I proved them wrong, can’t wet his pants.?

Your an American, what’s does the last four letters spell?

My boot camp Company Commander PCC J. W. Rogers (I hope someday to find him) told us that in 1987, on the grinder in RTC San Diego. It stuck with me from then on out.

But don’t ever, ever quit, because in the end when it’s all said and done, that’s what you’ll remember.


If you haven’t already read this book, I highly suggest it.

 

[kyleadrianmcgourty]

To tack on to some already great points... Usually, parents try and look out for their kids, in some form or another. Yeah, I know there's exceptions, but in your case I'm pretty sure they want the best for you. That said, your dad isn't telling you not to join because it's in your best interest. He's telling you because he's being a bit selfish. And it's totally understandable when you see the news day in and day out. He's worried about you, and doesn't want to lose you, whether it's to another "family" or worse (and I think you know what I mean). I'm just saying this based off what you've posted here, so if your dad has a history w/ the service, there might be more there, but overall, that's my take.

As for joining...There are times when it's going to suck. It's hard work, no matter what people tell you. You're going to study your butt off for the next 3 years, and once you're comfortable in your platform (speaking of aviation here), you're going to have to continue to keep your nose in the books, because there's so much info to stay current on (and nuggets that are asking you questions). Deployments are long. You're away from your family during important times (holidays, births, deaths, etc). But...

There's so much to get out of the experience. Whatever you thought your limits were, you'll probably find that they will be expanded (that's a good thing). They hand you a multimillion dollar piece of hardware, tell you what you need to do, and then let you go. It's totally up to you and your crew to make it happen. Talk about freedom. The benefits (money-wise) are pretty substantial now. Medical care alone is a huge thing not to be worrying about. And then there's the people. They're just like you. They want to do their job and have fun. I'd recommend you head over to the "Why Naval Aviation is good" thread. With all the sucky stuff you have to put up with, there's all that stuff in that thread that you get to experience.

As for education, if you go OCS, you'll have something that many don't in the officer corps. A GI Bill to fall back on. Guys coming from ROTC scholarships and the academies don't have that, so the government will want something for their further degree aspirations. With the GI Bill, you're already starting out w/ "free" money.

So, in summary, if you truly want it and are ready to work hard with huge payoffs, go for it. Your family will come around.

Operations can fail with negative support….so to read this is the reality once in, that’s pretty awesome. thanks for the reply

 

[RobLyman]

PSA: Remember to check the date of a post before replying. The post was almost 19 years old!!!!

I never really thought about how old this site was. My profile says I joined in 2010, but I think that date reflects a site upgrade and not my actual join date. I am pretty sure I was on this site prior to joining the national guard at the end of 2007.