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Getting married in ROTC?
- Thread starter KCRSXTypeS
- Start date
Right, then a poster asked why and he enlighten us. He didn't have to, but he did. So it is assumed that discussion will ensue as it often does here. Everyone here is just trying to help and mean well as opposed to turning the other way, ignoring a potential issue, and withholding insight. That's just not looking out, and looking out and sharing wisdom is a big part of this site.
Thankfully airwarriors isn't some rainbows and gumdrops bs factory, and there are people who have BTDT and will look out for a shipmate...
Maine Vaulter
USMC Candidate - Air
Run Forest, RUNNNN!!!!!
Dude, I'm only 20 and I can see the MAJOR downsides to this. I honestly can't see a upside...
imo it looks like a older girl looking for a dad for her kid. But hey, I only know as much of the story as you've typed.
my $.02
Dude, I'm only 20 and I can see the MAJOR downsides to this. I honestly can't see a upside...
imo it looks like a older girl looking for a dad for her kid. But hey, I only know as much of the story as you've typed.
my $.02
Harrier Dude
Living the dream
Far from it.
I'd bet that the majority of married AW members (including the married posters in this thread) have happy, healthy marriages. The are quite a few ugly divorce stories, and some bitter divorced dudes here, to be sure. But that's not what this is about.
It takes a lot more than love to make a marriage work. You certainly have to have it, but love in and of itself will not make a marriage work. You can be totally in love with a person, but circumstances can and will often preclude a happy marriage. Those circumstances could include careers, previous relationships with children, religion, education, and a score of other issues. Life is not a Disney movie where love conquers all and things work themselves out.
I've been counselling Marines for many years now, and this guys story has a lot of classic warning signs in it. It just screams "bad idea". Then again, I don't know these two personally and therefore do not have the full story.
To the OP: Your circumstances sound really dangerous to a guy who's seen a lot of very poorly thought out marriages go bad over the years. That's not a reflection on you or the young lady in question. You're young and most likely a little impulsive. That's normal. There's just a lot of trying circumstances to deal with that it doesn't seem like you've really thought through. More so than with any other "normal" marriage. You need to seriously look within yourself and determine your priorities and make an honest rational examination of your present circumstances. The issue with the child is the most concerning. What does she want? Will she get to see her Daddy anymore? Does she/he want to? Or is he not really in the picture except to cause legal troubles?
Good luck to you whatever you decide. It's your life, but it does effect more people than just yourself. Keep that in mind.
You really are stepping into the lions den when you are talking about marriage here on this forum. There have been guys here that have been really burned by ex-wives in every way you can think of, and then some. MasterBates had what I can safely say was the worst marriage I have ever heard of first hand. So take it for what it is worth.
But I can say that almost all of us who have been around for a bit have seen marriage situations that just made our hair stand up with warning, and this is one that makes warning gear go off for several reasons. The kid, the big age difference (and that is a big one for your age), the ex, the fact that you are in college and the rush to get married.
This is all coming from someone who has been happily married so far, I am fortunate not to have the bad experience that MB had.....yet. But when you are in the service and you have seen scores of marriages succeed and fail for every reason imaginable, you usually develop some warning suigns to the bad ones and from a distance, this one is has got a lot of yellow flags.
So take it easy for a little while. Why is it so critical for you two to be together now instead of June 09? Why shouldn't you wait for that extra year? I can see no good reason other than you want her to be with you right now, and that is the biggest warning to me right there. If you really do love each other another 15 months of long distance loving ain't going to matter. So you need to ask yourself, why do you need to get married NOW? It just doesn't add up to me......
IrishEagle85
New Member
To the OP:
This is coming from another 1/C MIDN. There are no restrictions keeping NROTC midshipmen from getting married. That being said, both of you have to realize that your responsibilities as a midshipman, in terms of academics and aptitude, come first. If you get married as a MIDN, it could potentially have adverse effects on your ROTC performance (such as poor grades), which could then land you in hot water with your command. Either way, I would suggest personally discussing it with your LT, and maybe even with your CO.
Something else to think about is what your religions views are concerning JOP weddings, which I had to look at because my fiance is a Catholic. If you are (or she) are Catholic and you get married by a Justice of the Peace, it is my understanding that;
1) The Catholic Church views it as a sinful and illegitimate relationship
2) You can never have a subsequent official Catholic wedding
3) The best you can do is have your JOP wedding blessed by the Catholic Church.
Anyways, if you're in love then you're in love, and odds are you're not going to listen to most of the advice you've been given above. Just make sure the marriage itself is something that you're absolutely sure of, and that it's something you're doing for each other and not for external circumstances like the kid.
This is coming from another 1/C MIDN. There are no restrictions keeping NROTC midshipmen from getting married. That being said, both of you have to realize that your responsibilities as a midshipman, in terms of academics and aptitude, come first. If you get married as a MIDN, it could potentially have adverse effects on your ROTC performance (such as poor grades), which could then land you in hot water with your command. Either way, I would suggest personally discussing it with your LT, and maybe even with your CO.
Something else to think about is what your religions views are concerning JOP weddings, which I had to look at because my fiance is a Catholic. If you are (or she) are Catholic and you get married by a Justice of the Peace, it is my understanding that;
1) The Catholic Church views it as a sinful and illegitimate relationship
2) You can never have a subsequent official Catholic wedding
3) The best you can do is have your JOP wedding blessed by the Catholic Church.
Anyways, if you're in love then you're in love, and odds are you're not going to listen to most of the advice you've been given above. Just make sure the marriage itself is something that you're absolutely sure of, and that it's something you're doing for each other and not for external circumstances like the kid.
You are correct, but I think the point is this: If your child came up to you and told you he made the decision that he was going to run with scissors, you'd probably tell him "Hey! That's not a very good decision. You can get hurt, blah blah blah". While he didn't ask IF he should get married, many wiser folks on this forum saw that it isn't a very smart decision (it really isn't) given this situation, so they chimed in.
Make sense?
flopper
Member
This should signal a future full of trouble for you. The signs are always there, wheter or not you choose to see them is on you
Does this not bother you, even if he had agreed to this? I would never be comfortable if my wife's ex boyfriend moved around the country following the two of us.
Now THAT is how you give advice based on your own experience.
KC and MB - hopefully both of you are reading this and gleaning you're own useful lessons from it.
So he's had a long time to think about how to screw up the situation. If you thought someone would move whenever and wherever you do, the only thing set is you in his trap.
You're trying to apply logic to someone who's not in on your plans for happiness. In fact, his motives are quite different in that regard.
Surprise, surprise. Why did he move back to Kansas? Didn't that give you a clue? You apparently assumed he was going along with your plans....but now, he's in a position to spoil them and cost her and, indirectly, you quite a bit of money as well as emotional well-being.
All very noble and it's your choice, but you get suckered into thinking all would be well so far and have had your first wake-up call. Now get ready for your second one. Even if you marry her, there is going to be lawyers involved if you want custody and there is no guarantee how long it will take or how much it will cost so YOU have to be ready to deal with the impact of this battle on your desire to go to Pensacola and how it will affect you once you get there. Flight school is a full-time gig and requires your full attention. I daresay your future bride's top priority is her daughter and that may collide with your timeline to leave for flightschool. Odds are you won't have your legal battle over in time so what now, Batman? If this guy has already taken you for ride, you haven't seen anything yet when he can use lawyers and the court itself to prolong the battle knowing full well that you have a timeline you're trying to meet. You better start thinking about that.
Not too up on my Catholic Church views/rules, but I don't know about this. My wife and I got the JP, and then went on to get married in the Catholic Church.
KCRSXTypeS,
As a divorced father with a daughter that I love dearly and spend a fortune visiting all I got to say is you are one selfish bastard.
What about the kid's father? Maybe he loves HIS kid. Maybe he is fighting your plan to move HIS kid out of state so that he can spend the most quality time with HIS kid as possible.
Whether or not you love this kid and this kid loves you - you are NOT the father and legally you have NO parental rights. And at age 6, this kid does not have the ability to choose between you and the father. Nor should you ask that or expect that, now or in the future no matter what the kid's age is.
Just being married is not going to make it easier to get full custody of the kid. In most states, to get full unrestricted custody you have to prove the other parent is unfit. Unless there is more to this story than you've posted, you have not shown this.
From what I've read, you are trying to rip away a kid from the father and usurp the father's role and place. Pure selfishness and sure to harm the kid in the long run. If I was this father, I'd spend my last dime and more fighting you.
Tell you what...why doesn't your fiancé give full custody to the father and then move away with you?
Or why don't you wait until after your time in the Navy is up before you marry? Then YOU can stay in town so the kid can stay with her father.
YOUR desires do not take precedence over the father's desires when it comes to HIS kid. My ex-wife's new husband has been told his twice by a Judge now.
You and your fiancé need to grow up and mature. In this situation the kid's welfare comes first over your desires. Just because she got "knocked up" slutting around, it doesn't mean the father has no rights or that the kid should be ripped away from the father. That he obtained joint custody shows he wants to be a father to HIS kid. You have no right to try and stop this and neither does you fiancé.
As a divorced father with a daughter that I love dearly and spend a fortune visiting all I got to say is you are one selfish bastard.
What about the kid's father? Maybe he loves HIS kid. Maybe he is fighting your plan to move HIS kid out of state so that he can spend the most quality time with HIS kid as possible.
Whether or not you love this kid and this kid loves you - you are NOT the father and legally you have NO parental rights. And at age 6, this kid does not have the ability to choose between you and the father. Nor should you ask that or expect that, now or in the future no matter what the kid's age is.
Just being married is not going to make it easier to get full custody of the kid. In most states, to get full unrestricted custody you have to prove the other parent is unfit. Unless there is more to this story than you've posted, you have not shown this.
From what I've read, you are trying to rip away a kid from the father and usurp the father's role and place. Pure selfishness and sure to harm the kid in the long run. If I was this father, I'd spend my last dime and more fighting you.
Tell you what...why doesn't your fiancé give full custody to the father and then move away with you?
Or why don't you wait until after your time in the Navy is up before you marry? Then YOU can stay in town so the kid can stay with her father.
YOUR desires do not take precedence over the father's desires when it comes to HIS kid. My ex-wife's new husband has been told his twice by a Judge now.
You and your fiancé need to grow up and mature. In this situation the kid's welfare comes first over your desires. Just because she got "knocked up" slutting around, it doesn't mean the father has no rights or that the kid should be ripped away from the father. That he obtained joint custody shows he wants to be a father to HIS kid. You have no right to try and stop this and neither does you fiancé.
IrishEagle85
New Member
I've read that the Catholic Church will bless the civil marriage after the fact through a convalidation ceremony. That's just what I was given to understand, but I could very likely be completely wrong; I'm just a silly Episcopalian after all ;-)
Of course, that's a moot point if neither of them are Catholic.
And I have to agree with Hal Pilot's post above. It's completely unfair to both the child and the father to try and take the child away from him.