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I want a no-BS assessment
- Thread starter Jonez
- Start date
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usunkmybship
Registered User
I did mine online and I had to keep editing it so it would fit. The only problem I see with your essay is that I don't see YOU in there, it just seems like you're saying what you want them to hear. I mean of course you feel that way but just add more character to it and give specific examples that show you why you have integrity, in what situations did you show leadership..that type of stuff. And be more specific on your career goals, like aviation- "I plan to study Aerospace Engineering and hope to be an F/A-18 pilot or Flight Deck Officer". You are going to be competing with a lot of other guys so you really need to stand out.
I'll tell you something I did, I did question #2 first and told about my personal experiences and character. That's one way to be different.
I'll tell you something I did, I did question #2 first and told about my personal experiences and character. That's one way to be different.
usunkmybship
Registered User
I did it. I would copy and paste it here but I'm hesitant to...
It has some quirky parts I admit.
It has some quirky parts I admit.
viv
Midshipman 4/Trash
Reading this thread made me look back at my admissions essay. It was definitely lengthy at 647 words :sleep_125 . I also conveyed a different attitude than your statement, jonez.
I did not discuss any platform-specific goals such as "flying an F/A-18". My statement discussed that becoming a naval officer was my ULTIMATE goal, and that I liked the opportunities that the Navy can provide me. I didn't suck up to the Academy and write about why the Academy is such an awesome school(I figured everyone on that board already knows most of that info). I even stated in the essay that going to the Naval Academy was NOT ESSENTIAL to becoming a good officer. But I did acknowledge that the Academy provided a unique opportunity, and an extremely challenging and rewarding experience. I also told them why I thought I have what it takes to graduate from there and get a commission.
I just wanted you to check out another person's approach to the personal statement. As for your statement, I wouldn't worry too much about the length(hey, mine was over 600). I think you should talk a little bit more about why YOU have what it takes to put up with all the obstacles that the Academy will present. I'm also not too sure I would start my statement with the operations in Iraq and Afghanistan (that's just me). Personally, I wouldn't want to make it sound like I wouldn't have applied if it wasn't for the current conflicts. And one more thing about your application.....if you want to clarify some of the stuff you bubbled in on your "candidate activities record", you can submit an attachment with it (perhaps describing the club you founded).
But's that just my .0000002 x 10^7 cents. Good luck.
I did not discuss any platform-specific goals such as "flying an F/A-18". My statement discussed that becoming a naval officer was my ULTIMATE goal, and that I liked the opportunities that the Navy can provide me. I didn't suck up to the Academy and write about why the Academy is such an awesome school(I figured everyone on that board already knows most of that info). I even stated in the essay that going to the Naval Academy was NOT ESSENTIAL to becoming a good officer. But I did acknowledge that the Academy provided a unique opportunity, and an extremely challenging and rewarding experience. I also told them why I thought I have what it takes to graduate from there and get a commission.
I just wanted you to check out another person's approach to the personal statement. As for your statement, I wouldn't worry too much about the length(hey, mine was over 600). I think you should talk a little bit more about why YOU have what it takes to put up with all the obstacles that the Academy will present. I'm also not too sure I would start my statement with the operations in Iraq and Afghanistan (that's just me). Personally, I wouldn't want to make it sound like I wouldn't have applied if it wasn't for the current conflicts. And one more thing about your application.....if you want to clarify some of the stuff you bubbled in on your "candidate activities record", you can submit an attachment with it (perhaps describing the club you founded).
But's that just my .0000002 x 10^7 cents. Good luck.
Well damn, I appreciate all the advice, and I am definately going to focus more on the second part of the first question (how will the Naval Academy help you achieve your goals) rather than the first part (what sparked your initial interest in the naval service?), but how will I go about answering the first part of the prompt then? I guess I should briefly mention the great history and tradition of the Navy and Marine Corps as what sparked my interest?
I guess I'm just trying to answer the question directly as I know how to do way too much. I'm used to writing historical essays for AP US History where you'd damned better answer the prompt correctly, not questions about myself. I have a lot of free time today so I'll work with it. This is pretty damned depressing though.... I had best find a good way to deal with this stress for nearly another year :icon_tong . I need to get out and do some shooting this weekend :icon_smil .
This sucks cause my parents keep telling me how great my writing is and how they think I have such a great shot at getting in, but everyone on here is tearing my essay to shreds (which I appreciate).
I'm having a commander in the Navy that I know (USNA graduate) read it over for me, hopefully he'll get back to me with some good feedback later today...
I guess I'm just trying to answer the question directly as I know how to do way too much. I'm used to writing historical essays for AP US History where you'd damned better answer the prompt correctly, not questions about myself. I have a lot of free time today so I'll work with it. This is pretty damned depressing though.... I had best find a good way to deal with this stress for nearly another year :icon_tong . I need to get out and do some shooting this weekend :icon_smil .
This sucks cause my parents keep telling me how great my writing is and how they think I have such a great shot at getting in, but everyone on here is tearing my essay to shreds (which I appreciate).
I'm having a commander in the Navy that I know (USNA graduate) read it over for me, hopefully he'll get back to me with some good feedback later today...
Now things are even more complicated. I gave my counselor a copy of my essay to look over yesterday and he had the AP English teacher look it over, who has a reputation for being very critical and completely trashing everyone's work...in short, she really liked it, and suggested that I change only one word ("heroics" to "heroism")...
Dammit.
Dammit.
to Integer1 and anyone else interested in USNA
I'm usually a passive reader of these boards, but after this post I had to reply for the sake of anyone interested in USNA. So to all...please read.
Integer1, I know you are dedicated to USNA in many ways. I am a graduate of USNA, so let me offer an opinion. Anyone who reads these boards knows that you're somewhat intelligent and that you can't help but soapbox every opinion/thought/fact/idea/etc. you have.
I'll say this. The Marine Corps that I am now in (as well as our Navy) needs leaders of ACTION, not TALK. Your ramblings may be intelligent, but know that they are usually completely unnecessary and probably not helpful. Yes, young men and women need intelligent leaders... but they need leaders who can make a CLEAR, CONCISE POINT AND THEN MOVE ON TO THE NEXT PROBLEM.
Endless rambling such as you've shown are not needed at USNA. Warriors and Leaders are needed...not sea lawyers.
I've been to the places you usually offer advice about.... please don't offer any to me.
I'm usually a passive reader of these boards, but after this post I had to reply for the sake of anyone interested in USNA. So to all...please read.
Integer1, I know you are dedicated to USNA in many ways. I am a graduate of USNA, so let me offer an opinion. Anyone who reads these boards knows that you're somewhat intelligent and that you can't help but soapbox every opinion/thought/fact/idea/etc. you have.
I'll say this. The Marine Corps that I am now in (as well as our Navy) needs leaders of ACTION, not TALK. Your ramblings may be intelligent, but know that they are usually completely unnecessary and probably not helpful. Yes, young men and women need intelligent leaders... but they need leaders who can make a CLEAR, CONCISE POINT AND THEN MOVE ON TO THE NEXT PROBLEM.
Endless rambling such as you've shown are not needed at USNA. Warriors and Leaders are needed...not sea lawyers.
I've been to the places you usually offer advice about.... please don't offer any to me.
Integer1
Banned
Yeah, I've changed what I posted--you're right. How do you like it now that it's just one sentence of advice?
I still think that if I left it up, somebody could optionally read it if they wanted to, or skip it -- such are the forums -- but gain a lot of the logic behind that advice if they did read it.
I still think that if I left it up, somebody could optionally read it if they wanted to, or skip it -- such are the forums -- but gain a lot of the logic behind that advice if they did read it.
God is good!!!!
My hero has spoken!!!!!!! Sir, you are now officially my hero, Sir. Not b/c you are an Officer in the Corps( what I hope to be), Not because you attended the Academy( where I hope to attend) and Not because your somewhat inspirational post. Sir, You are officially my hero b/c you may have just done what some many of us tried so hard to do (Get Mr. Integer's opinion to shorten up, be concise and somewhat relevant. Oh! and edit those not as often, well may be that's aiming a bit too high.)
I know this is not a relevant post but I had to Thank you and get this off my chest :icon_smil
onemarine said:
My hero has spoken!!!!!!! Sir, you are now officially my hero, Sir. Not b/c you are an Officer in the Corps( what I hope to be), Not because you attended the Academy( where I hope to attend) and Not because your somewhat inspirational post. Sir, You are officially my hero b/c you may have just done what some many of us tried so hard to do (Get Mr. Integer's opinion to shorten up, be concise and somewhat relevant. Oh! and edit those not as often, well may be that's aiming a bit too high.)
I know this is not a relevant post but I had to Thank you and get this off my chest :icon_smil
I know that sounds Pre-posterous that I would not be upset, but I cannot Pre-tend I don't enjoy sharing the board with you guys. Let's not focus on my Pre-vious posts but on the Pre-sent.- Status