I think it sounds pretty good...just watch out for errors like "lead" instead of "led".
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Motivational Statement MEGA Thread
- Thread starter FSF17
- Start date
I think it sounds pretty good...just watch out for errors like "lead" instead of "led".
BobbyNavy06
New Member
Thank you Sir,
Your feedback is instrumental, I will go back to the drawing board and take my time- come back with some better material and when ready repost it here. As far as those few typos in the Signature, I went back and fixed them.
Respectfully,
-PO2
RickD
New Member
Glad to help, when you're ready post the new one up here, I'll be glad to help out again.
dbluestyle
Member
Greetings from Kadena AFB Air warriors members,
I've been lurking the webpage for quite a while and I really thankful for the priceless information a tips provided by everybody. This is my first draft so any feedback and suggestions would be really appreciated.
I've been lurking the webpage for quite a while and I really thankful for the priceless information a tips provided by everybody. This is my first draft so any feedback and suggestions would be really appreciated.
dbluestyle,
Kadena is not a bad deal for a deployment. I was there a couple of years ago.
Nice effort with the motivational statement and congratulations for making it through some tough circumstances. I do think it needs some serious work though. I found that the first half was very self centered. It was pretty much a description of why it's a good deal for you to become an officer. The motivational statement is supposed to be the exact opposite: what you bring to the table, what lifelong experiences that you have had make you an asset to the Navy.
I highly recommend you delete the following reasons of why you want to be an officer:
- "will allow me to continue pursuing my life and professional goals"
- "do something I am sure I am going to love for the rest of my life, which is becoming a Naval Aviator"
- "Become a better person physically and mentally"
- "to have the trust and loyalty of my sailors"
- "Have a successful naval career"
- "to pursue a Master’s Degree and a Doctoral degree in the future"
See what I'm getting at? It's a description of benefits you're getting. You should talk about what you bring to the table. Talk about specific and tangible experiences: leadership positions you have been in or currently are in; talk about the skills and abilities you say you have acquired; talk about what you have taken away from all those challenges you mention. Talk about how you are excelling in your current job in the Navy. I would definitely take out the "racial and discriminatory" thing. You won't earn a commission with the race/discrimination card or by making the board members feel sorry for you, because they won't. They want to see excitement, energy, positiveness, motivation. Be descriptive and specific about the "situations and environments that help me become the sailor and person I am today". You say that your leadership abilities will make you an ideal candidate yet you don't talk about these leadership experiences or abilities.
The bottom line is that you have a lot of fluff. You have to be very specific. Follow the same guidelines for writing an Eval, where once again, you have to be very specific.
I hope all of this makes sense to you. If you have any questions or need some examples let me know. I would be glad to help you out.
dbluestyle
Member
Chachi,
Thank you very much for your response. I have changed about 30% of my first draft already. I guess i got excited and posted too early. I really appreciate your feedback and I will make sure I improve it even more.
Have a nice sunday!
Thank you very much for your response. I have changed about 30% of my first draft already. I guess i got excited and posted too early. I really appreciate your feedback and I will make sure I improve it even more.
Have a nice sunday!
No problem man, you too. And like I said, if you have any questions feel free to let me know.
irish08slasher
Irishslasher
Hey guys, putting together a packet for SWO, I'd like a second opinion on my motivational if anyone would kindly oblige.
In a world where it is easier to destroy rather than protect, I know that people choose to protect not because it is easy, but because it is right. During my youth in the city of Caracas, Venezuela, a military coup against the government would forever ingrain in me a passion for doing what is right. With the city rioting and looters seeking targets, US citizens were in danger of persecution. My family sought shelter in the US Embassy. Despite the embassy having received orders to send civilians back home, an embassy official allowed my family to spend the night in the parking lot flanking the embassy, potentially saving our lives. From that moment onwards, I was alive not because someone chose the easy path, but because someone chose the right path. Becoming a Naval Officer is a way of not only repaying this kindness, but also continuing in the legacy of those men and women whom serve our country and choose every day not to do what is easy, but what is right.
The travels that have taken me across the globe serve to reinforce a broader perspective that would assist in being a Naval Officer. Venezuela taught me not only the altruism of people, but how to speak and read fluently in Spanish and familiarized me with the region's internal politics. It was in Colombia, my mother's home country, where I shook hands with President Ernesto Samper at a flea market and experienced the drug wars fought by the FARC that spread from Bogota to Medellin. High above the Swiss Alps in a town called Leysin, I was accepted at an International Leadership Program and met a Saudi Princess. She introduced to me to the hardships women have suffered at the hands of the religious Mutaween, offering insight into an aspect of the Arab world that is often times unseen. As an officer, one must be able to make decisions with all the facts in front of them. My unique insight and experiences will provide not only context to the many situations Naval Officers face, but valuable tactical information with regards to dealing with scenarios that have minimum intelligence provided.
I graduated from Texas Tech University with a Bachelor's of Science in Political Science. Responding to the need for a nonpartisan organization on campus, I created the Political Awareness Organization, which dedicated itself to inform the students of Texas Tech on political matters in a non-partisan manner. As President and founder of the organization, I took various leadership position such as managing officers, collecting dues, scheduling events, and communicating with faculty. Most of my officers (myself included) had very little experience in handling an organization and at times the necessary workload was staggering. Through consistent discipline and adhering to a meticulous schedule did we manage to host the annual meeting of the Association for Politics and the Life Sciences . It was here that I was recommended to join the Navy by a professor at the Naval Postgraduate School, Dr. Sophal Ear. As a Naval Officer, it is a given that many times you will be expected to lead even when the situation proves both strenuous and unfamiliar. My time leading an organization gave me the confidence needed to believe that not only can I provide a extensive international understanding, but also strong leadership capabilities.
While managing this organization, I also co hosted a talk radio show with Dr. Kelly Kaufhold. As co host on "The Devils Advocate," I discussed topics of a political nature ranging from domestic to international. The show presented a unique opportunity in that I was required to articulate an opinion regarding current global affairs on a live radio where anybody who tuned in could listen. What was initially nerve wracking quickly turned into some of the most pleasant challenges I have ever faced. Having to prepare yourself for discussion on the global scale and think quick on your feet was one of the most pleasant challenges I ever faced. Teamwork was essential when on the air. If a host was unfamiliar with a topic, you were required to quickly jump in and cover him. I am proud to say that in 2 years of being on the show, I never missed an episode. It is through this teamwork, preparation, and quick-thinking that I hope to contribute as an officer.
My Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu skills have helped to prepare me for a Navel career. For 4 years, I taught part time at a Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu academy near my university, where I would instruct 10-13 year olds on how to properly defend themselves with sufficient force. It was here that I learned the proper merit of having to truly know something in order to teach it and gained the ability to correctly instruct people in self defense.
With my international background and all that I have listed I'm still aware of the question, why pick being a Naval Officer and not the peace corp if you want do what's right? For me, the answer has always been simple. When asked the question of whether I wish to be a force for good or a global force for good, I would always pick the latter. The United States stands a global power for good and the navy is one of its most powerful shields. By becoming an officer in the United States Navy, I seek to accomplish far more than just build a house, I seek to protect those houses that have already been built.
The path to become a Naval officer will be both mentally and physically challenging, but neither challenge deters me. There is no greater honor than being able to repay a debt owed to this country and through martial prowess I seek to demonstrate my worth as an individual. For in a world where it is easier to destroy rather than protect, I would hope to protect as an officer in the United States Navy— not because it is easy, but because it is right.
Any thoughts?
In a world where it is easier to destroy rather than protect, I know that people choose to protect not because it is easy, but because it is right. During my youth in the city of Caracas, Venezuela, a military coup against the government would forever ingrain in me a passion for doing what is right. With the city rioting and looters seeking targets, US citizens were in danger of persecution. My family sought shelter in the US Embassy. Despite the embassy having received orders to send civilians back home, an embassy official allowed my family to spend the night in the parking lot flanking the embassy, potentially saving our lives. From that moment onwards, I was alive not because someone chose the easy path, but because someone chose the right path. Becoming a Naval Officer is a way of not only repaying this kindness, but also continuing in the legacy of those men and women whom serve our country and choose every day not to do what is easy, but what is right.
The travels that have taken me across the globe serve to reinforce a broader perspective that would assist in being a Naval Officer. Venezuela taught me not only the altruism of people, but how to speak and read fluently in Spanish and familiarized me with the region's internal politics. It was in Colombia, my mother's home country, where I shook hands with President Ernesto Samper at a flea market and experienced the drug wars fought by the FARC that spread from Bogota to Medellin. High above the Swiss Alps in a town called Leysin, I was accepted at an International Leadership Program and met a Saudi Princess. She introduced to me to the hardships women have suffered at the hands of the religious Mutaween, offering insight into an aspect of the Arab world that is often times unseen. As an officer, one must be able to make decisions with all the facts in front of them. My unique insight and experiences will provide not only context to the many situations Naval Officers face, but valuable tactical information with regards to dealing with scenarios that have minimum intelligence provided.
I graduated from Texas Tech University with a Bachelor's of Science in Political Science. Responding to the need for a nonpartisan organization on campus, I created the Political Awareness Organization, which dedicated itself to inform the students of Texas Tech on political matters in a non-partisan manner. As President and founder of the organization, I took various leadership position such as managing officers, collecting dues, scheduling events, and communicating with faculty. Most of my officers (myself included) had very little experience in handling an organization and at times the necessary workload was staggering. Through consistent discipline and adhering to a meticulous schedule did we manage to host the annual meeting of the Association for Politics and the Life Sciences . It was here that I was recommended to join the Navy by a professor at the Naval Postgraduate School, Dr. Sophal Ear. As a Naval Officer, it is a given that many times you will be expected to lead even when the situation proves both strenuous and unfamiliar. My time leading an organization gave me the confidence needed to believe that not only can I provide a extensive international understanding, but also strong leadership capabilities.
While managing this organization, I also co hosted a talk radio show with Dr. Kelly Kaufhold. As co host on "The Devils Advocate," I discussed topics of a political nature ranging from domestic to international. The show presented a unique opportunity in that I was required to articulate an opinion regarding current global affairs on a live radio where anybody who tuned in could listen. What was initially nerve wracking quickly turned into some of the most pleasant challenges I have ever faced. Having to prepare yourself for discussion on the global scale and think quick on your feet was one of the most pleasant challenges I ever faced. Teamwork was essential when on the air. If a host was unfamiliar with a topic, you were required to quickly jump in and cover him. I am proud to say that in 2 years of being on the show, I never missed an episode. It is through this teamwork, preparation, and quick-thinking that I hope to contribute as an officer.
My Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu skills have helped to prepare me for a Navel career. For 4 years, I taught part time at a Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu academy near my university, where I would instruct 10-13 year olds on how to properly defend themselves with sufficient force. It was here that I learned the proper merit of having to truly know something in order to teach it and gained the ability to correctly instruct people in self defense.
With my international background and all that I have listed I'm still aware of the question, why pick being a Naval Officer and not the peace corp if you want do what's right? For me, the answer has always been simple. When asked the question of whether I wish to be a force for good or a global force for good, I would always pick the latter. The United States stands a global power for good and the navy is one of its most powerful shields. By becoming an officer in the United States Navy, I seek to accomplish far more than just build a house, I seek to protect those houses that have already been built.
The path to become a Naval officer will be both mentally and physically challenging, but neither challenge deters me. There is no greater honor than being able to repay a debt owed to this country and through martial prowess I seek to demonstrate my worth as an individual. For in a world where it is easier to destroy rather than protect, I would hope to protect as an officer in the United States Navy— not because it is easy, but because it is right.
Any thoughts?
A few grammatical errors did stand out to me (contractions and the such). I have thrown them in BOLD for you.
You show a wealth of experience that you can bring to the table. Do you have any further team experience besides the radio show? I am sure you worked as a team in your other ventures and maybe you can bring that experience to light?
irish08slasher
Irishslasher
Appreciate it Jolly, my paper looks better already. I'll probably add more teamwork focused experience to my organization management.
Hey all. New poster here, going for a SNA slot. I have been sitting on my statement for a while now and would appreciate any feedback. Thanks!
______________________________________________________________________
A life in service of others; years of training and preparation culminating in a series of actions all of which determine…
Through my adult life, there has been a lingering sense that something was missing. I have felt called for so much more; the operative word here being “called”.
To whom do I answer this call for, and for what purpose?
As a teen, I volunteered at a local church sports camp and in the following years I was fortunate enough to help organize the event. This experience birthed my desire to serve and help others. Here I developed talents now I am routinely praised for: namely my enthusiasm, optimism, and relatability. People tend to gravitate towards me, and I thrive off of these interactions. Upon graduating from college, I parlayed these talents into an offer to work as a teacher in South Korea. Before starting in Korea, I thought the work as a teacher and my passions would line up perfectly. In the past, sports provided a focus for my talents. Yet upon arriving in Korea, finding my niche where I could thrive became exceedingly difficult.
From this experience and my jobs following, I have been exposed to people in all different stages of life. I found that the uniting interest between these people was that the needs of others were consistently ignored in favor of “what was best for self”. Not only was this disheartening on a personal level to work through, but the same skills I was applauded for seemed to go to waste.
Once I realized that I needed something more, that in fact I was called for something more, I knew I had a choice to make. I choose to be a part of the United States Navy. The Navy offers me a rare opportunity; it is a chance to use my gifts in the service of others as an Officer.
I have learned through first-hand experience that how comfortable you are reflects the extent that you accept your current station in life and I refuse to settle for the status quo. Opportunity for advancement, meaningful work and the responsibility to lead and influence are what brings me to the Navy, the chance to serve is what will keep me.
My occasion for greatness, the Navy is my chance to see my potential realized.
______________________________________________________________________
A life in service of others; years of training and preparation culminating in a series of actions all of which determine…
Through my adult life, there has been a lingering sense that something was missing. I have felt called for so much more; the operative word here being “called”.
To whom do I answer this call for, and for what purpose?
As a teen, I volunteered at a local church sports camp and in the following years I was fortunate enough to help organize the event. This experience birthed my desire to serve and help others. Here I developed talents now I am routinely praised for: namely my enthusiasm, optimism, and relatability. People tend to gravitate towards me, and I thrive off of these interactions. Upon graduating from college, I parlayed these talents into an offer to work as a teacher in South Korea. Before starting in Korea, I thought the work as a teacher and my passions would line up perfectly. In the past, sports provided a focus for my talents. Yet upon arriving in Korea, finding my niche where I could thrive became exceedingly difficult.
From this experience and my jobs following, I have been exposed to people in all different stages of life. I found that the uniting interest between these people was that the needs of others were consistently ignored in favor of “what was best for self”. Not only was this disheartening on a personal level to work through, but the same skills I was applauded for seemed to go to waste.
Once I realized that I needed something more, that in fact I was called for something more, I knew I had a choice to make. I choose to be a part of the United States Navy. The Navy offers me a rare opportunity; it is a chance to use my gifts in the service of others as an Officer.
I have learned through first-hand experience that how comfortable you are reflects the extent that you accept your current station in life and I refuse to settle for the status quo. Opportunity for advancement, meaningful work and the responsibility to lead and influence are what brings me to the Navy, the chance to serve is what will keep me.
My occasion for greatness, the Navy is my chance to see my potential realized.
exNavyOffRec
Well-Known Member
What are your ASTB scores? great ASTB scores and so so statement will still probably lead to selection, shitty ASTB scores great statement probably no selection, great scores and great statement you should be just fine.
56 5/5/6.
Borderline just good enough that my recruiter thought it was worth a shot. Thoughts on how the statement reads? I'm worried it comes off generic.