Here's my revised draft:
I can recall a memory that shaped my calling in life. The time when our 5th grade class discussed World War II with a focus on Pearl Harbor and the resulting War in the Pacific. I became fascinated with the subject and took to library books and the Internet to read about the battles our Navy fought and the heroes that emerged from them.
Born in Syria, my parents immigrated to the United States when I was eight months of age. As I grew up in America, I started to learn about our democracy’s influence on the world and the service members who gave their lives to make it possible. I felt blessed to be a part of this country and community. While researching the Navy during my formative years, I was inspired by those who have gone before me. Their legacies have inspired me to pursue becoming a leader of men and women in our nation's Navy.
When I began my studies at the University of Texas-Pan American, my academic and career goals were not set in stone as I was adjusting to college life. My first major was computer science, a field where I invested so much thought into a profitable job, instead of realizing my true intellectual pursuits and how they can inspire others into taking a deeper understanding of the subject matter.
Once I switched to Mathematics with physics minor, I began to discover more about my potential in life. My GPA rose to a 3.4 in the last semester and I became more involved in volunteer activities such as babysitting children from abusive homes and building sidewalks for poor communities. I joined several sports clubs on campus and set higher standards for myself on physical fitness and personal health.
As I transfer to the University of Houston in the fall to finish my last two years for my Bachelor’s degree, I look forward to expanding my leadership capabilities and take advantage of my strengths to set an example for those willing to improve themselves. I hope to create a legacy that future generations can look forward to in times of trouble.
I have many experiences that help shape me as an individual, including obstacles. The most significant of them is working as an overnight cashier last fall as I was attending school. The work was tiring, as I also had to prepare for my final exams while providing customer service 30 hours per week. This taught me crucial time management skills which are high on a leader’s priorities since one must stay calm when presiding over a team or company in times of uncertainty.
Although I wasn’t born into a military family, I am confident that I will be able to uphold the Navy core values of honor, courage, and commitment.
Being honest and trustworthy in our friendships and dealings with each other and those in the civilian world embodies the significance of honor. It is abiding by the unbreakable code of integrity, owning up to our actions and staying true to our word in any situation. For me, keeping true to myself with my professors and managers in the midst of difficult situations highlighted my potential and willingness to accomplish the task and to never let my colleagues down.
Holding commitment to our task is exhibiting the highest degree of moral character, aptitude, and quality in what we have been instructed to do. It is reaching for constant self improvement and following through on your word regardless of the situation. For me, staying committed to my studies despite the obstacles in my path demonstrated that I am capable of making use of all my skills to manage the task at hand.
Courage is meeting the standards of our profession and the objective when it is hazardous, difficult, or otherwise unpredictable due to its uncertain nature. It is making decisions in the best interest of the Navy and the nation, without regard to personal consequences. Courage is exemplified by my desire to take risks and go great lengths to do the right thing even in the face of adversity.
This is why I am seeking a commission in the United States Navy. I hope to use my talents and abilities to benefit the Armed Services. I understand the responsibility and stress induced environments that come with such a position, but I am certain that my commitment to integrity, honor, and selflessness would be equal to the task as serving my country as a United States Naval Officer.
