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Motivational Statement MEGA Thread

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exNavyOffRec

Well-Known Member
GAhnee said:
The way I understood your comment was that you thought I was making a separate document about my GPA. I was advised to include it in my motivational statement, which is what I did here. If I misunderstood you, then are you saying that they don’t read the motivational statements? I was told it is looked over quickly and key noteworthy things were circled when the board member briefing your package is presenting it. I was also told that each letter of recommendation must be put up and shown, so having well written ones is a very key thing.
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often they do not, in many cases the higher the GPA the less of the chance they read it, most of the people I had selected had motivational statement of 1 paragraph, I had several selected for aviation that we put their application together last minute and the motivational statements were no kidding like 2 sentences including one I will never forget it was "I desire to be a an officer in the USN in order to have an opportunity to fly for the USN. I feel this would be the chance of a lifetime."

It really depends how close you are to the cut line that your statement will be read, and sometimes senior members will make decisions to cut down the numbers if they are really high, I was talking to the program manager about how many applications were at one board and he said there were so many the senior member told the PM to take everyone below a 3.0 GPA and give them a Pro-N, another board the senior member said anyone with a waiver (except prior service age) was a pro-N.

I would say that your recruiter did you a disservice sending you to a board with your GPA without having your degree complete, I have seen those with lower GPA's picked up, however they had all graduated, several had been to board before graduating and been Pro-N.

I think you have done what you can do, the rest is out of your hands.
 
GAhnee

GAhnee

Well-Known Member
exNavyOffRec said:
often they do not, in many cases the higher the GPA the less of the chance they read it, most of the people I had selected had motivational statement of 1 paragraph, I had several selected for aviation that we put their application together last minute and the motivational statements were no kidding like 2 sentences including one I will never forget it was "I desire to be a an officer in the USN in order to have an opportunity to fly for the USN. I feel this would be the chance of a lifetime."

It really depends how close you are to the cut line that your statement will be read, and sometimes senior members will make decisions to cut down the numbers if they are really high, I was talking to the program manager about how many applications were at one board and he said there were so many the senior member told the PM to take everyone below a 3.0 GPA and give them a Pro-N, another board the senior member said anyone with a waiver (except prior service age) was a pro-N.

I would say that your recruiter did you a disservice sending you to a board with your GPA without having your degree complete, I have seen those with lower GPA's picked up, however they had all graduated, several had been to board before graduating and been Pro-N.

I think you have done what you can do, the rest is out of your hands.
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Does that disservice only apply to that board, or is that something that is reflected in all future boards I apply to?
 
E

exNavyOffRec

Well-Known Member
GAhnee said:
Does that disservice only apply to that board, or is that something that is reflected in all future boards I apply to?
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That would apply to all boards, a low GPA + still in college raises the concern that a person could have a bad class and not graduate on time. It also protects the applicant as if they apply, then selected, but cannot graduate when supposed to they could be then be rejected and have to start over.
 
GodisGoodAlways

GodisGoodAlways

Trust the Process!
Fine Navy day, everyone!

Trying my 2nd attempt for commissioning, need your constructive feedback regarding my motivational statement. Already ran it through grammarly and relatives/peers. Thank you in advance. It is greatly appreciated:

I desire to become a naval officer in the World’s Greatest Navy. The Navy gave me everything I have. From nothing, as an immigrant, to now with every opportunity possible, as a citizen.
Hence, I want to serve again as a Mustang.
Throughout my 11 years of enlisted service, I embraced the challenges of departmental supervisory roles and collateral duties within each command.
From leading a biomedical shop into one-of-the-cogs for 3rd Marine Logistics Group’s 98% overall dental readiness, or leading an Orthopedics department as a contributor for Naval Hospital Okinawa to receive its Letter of Commendation from the Secretary of the Navy are one of many trials that I overcame. I maximized on each challenge.
I have CAPITALIZED, as evidenced in various facets: (1) technical (medical equipment SME, DMLSS EM/MA/CAIM/SC modules); (2) operational (clinic and warehouse operations, AHLTA, CHCS, DMHRSi, SLDCADA); (3) administrative (memorandums, routing chits, program SOPs); (4) career improvement and special programs (TA, USMAP, COOL, GI Bill, expedited citizenship, Targeted Reentry, CIP, MILCAP). I enjoyed working in administrative functions and even single-handedly completed all my family’s (5) immigration applications (fiancé visa, immigration visa, passports, petitions). Learning that was not made possible if one was not proactive - an endeavor I am thankful for because of peers and supervisors that shaped me throughout my career.
As a mustang, nothing holds truer to Pastor Maxwell’s statement that “leaders must be close enough to relate to others, but far enough ahead to motivate them,” an intrinsic privilege given to mustangs which I will continue to uphold if given the opportunity.
The training and experience gained have prepared me to do whatever it takes to ensure the success of the mission. Not just mission success but team success because, in doing so, each individual’s success follows.
I am ready to take the next step to serve as a Health Care Administrator, to serve with, and lead the best.
I am a first-generation Sailor and feel blessed that my service, with or without commission, is already a legacy that my family and I can be proud of.
 
T

TraidsAndRaids

New Member
Hi Guys,

Heres my personal statement. I already got a waiver for the DUI but I figured it would be best to get out ahead of the problem. Any advice is great. Thanks in advance.

Growing up I never saw myself as a leader. I was never the first in the race or the best player on the team. In the decade I played lacrosse I only scored one goal. I was terrified to play because I doubted my ability and was sacred of being mocked. However, that all changed when I attended Arizona Boys State. Of 1000 cadets I was one of the 10 nominated for Boys Nation. The leader within me had manifested and
a fire was lit in me that gave me the confidence to break out of my comfort zone.

My 18th birthday started at 0600. It was my first day of college and my first day of ROTC at Cornell University. These three years were the most rewarding of my life. I was presented with impossible challenges that gave unprecedented satisfaction when my team and I triumphed over them. Freshman year I was selected for OPS Air Force, an immersive 2-week hands on experience shadowing officers of the 347th Rescue Wing and 23rd Fighter Group at Moody AF Base.

By Sophomore year I was manifesting into the person I wanted to become. My Colonel selected me for the Commanders Scholarship based on my leadership ability. While balancing my ROTC commitment I joined the Men’s Rowing team. During the summer I attended Boston University as part of Project Go to learn Russian. Furthermore, I was also a successful graduate of Field Training at Maxwell Air Force Base where over two weeks I demonstrated my leadership abilities by commanding over 60 cadets in hands on combat exercises, in addition to being charged with managing resources and standardization for over 200 cadets.

ROTC was the cornerstone of my college experience, molding me into the person I’m today. Unfortunately, my first attempt to become an officer ended when I received a DUI in 2018, and nothing has impacted my life more. I learned the importance of taking responsibility for your mistakes, every choice comes with a consequence, and as an officer I would not only have to set the example but surpass it.

Overall, I hope one mistake does not define me. I have demonstrated my ability to lead and would like the honor to do so once more. I desire to apply the lessons I have learned to become the best naval officer and influence those around me to maximize their potential.
 
StewburnerCS1

StewburnerCS1

Member
Good Evening,

Wondering if anyone would mind giving thoughts on my Personal Statements. Thanks for any advice and thank you for your time!

With all respect,
CS1(SW)
26947
 
Michael_J_Caboose

Michael_J_Caboose

Squadron N2/N6
Hello all,
I am a Marine looking to apply to the upcoming IWC board. Below is a first draft of my motivational statement. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.

As a young Marine, I was impressed with my officer leadership and hoped to one day serve as a commissioned officer. While I attended college for two years prior to my enlistment, I had no appreciation for the value of education. During my time studying at the Defense Language Institute I earned an Associate of Arts in Arabic and started to understand the importance of education, both professionally and personally. My years as an NCO were full of training and education – both as a student and an instructor. As a staff noncommissioned officer, I was assigned to the College of Enlisted Military Education where I researched and developed leadership and military professionalism courses. While at the Enlisted College, I worked alongside my officer counterparts at The Basic School, Expeditionary Warfare School, and Command and Staff College to ensure the curriculum for enlisted Marines complemented what was being taught to officers. Throughout my career, I have consistently been challenged and the next step is to earn a commission.

I have served as a signals intelligence analyst and deployed in support of tactical units during Operation Enduring Freedom and Operation Martillo in a role equivalent to a CTR. In addition to these deployments, I have worked with the National Security Agency alongside CTNs and attended several computer networking and global communications courses. While researching the officer selection process for the Marine Corps, I realized that there was a real possibility of being pulled from a field where I hold two relevant degrees, over a decade of experience, and a clearance, and being assigned to an entirely different occupational field. This prospect was unsettling for me, since both my experience and passion are focused in this field. I have enjoyed working in the intelligence community and the Navy will afford me the opportunity to remain in the field and continue with my Naval service. I reached out to a Navy recruiter and was excited to learn about the IWC officer ascension boards. An interservice transfer to the Navy allows me to continue my service to the nation and also leverage my knowledge and background to strengthen the Information Warfare Community.

Leadership has been an important focus for me since the beginning of my career. I honestly believe that the leaders you serve with provide the framework for your leadership philosophies as you grow in seniority. I strive to be the kind of leader that serves as a positive inspiration for those I lead, first as a noncommissioned officer and now a staff noncommissioned officer. Serving as a commissioned officer in the Navy will increase the number of people that I can positively influence and mentor, and that is one of the draws of leadership for me. I feel that my experience and background will allow me to serve the Information Warfare Community well. My experience gives me the ability to leverage multiple intelligence sources and capabilities to provide the most robust situational awareness regardless of the Area of Responsibility I am assigned.
 
C

civilciv

New Member
Howdy,

I was wondering if anyone would mind giving me any feedback on my motivational statement.

“Life doesn't get easier or more forgiving, we get stronger and more resilient.” -Dr. Steve Maraboli

I was born to a 16 year old high school senior that worked tirelessly to graduate early and harbored dreams to become a MD. She is definitely tough, but because of the responsibilities of single motherhood, her medical career was placed on hold in order to raise my sister and me. After many years of hard work, double shifts, and I'm sure some tears and a bit of elbow grease, she settled on, for a lack of a better word, a degree in nursing. My mother is one hard working woman and she taught me that some of the greatest things come from sleepless nights and giving 110% always. Her determination led me to complete two semesters of college through VCU's School of Engineering before I graduated from high school in 2016 within the top 10 (as in the top 2.5%) of my senior class of almost 400 with a 4.3 GPA.

Throughout high school, I had the goal of joining the Navy upon graduating as I felt that the military could instill in me discipline, leadership, and the opportunity to continue my education. After the insistence of my mother, I took a detour on my journey and attended Old Dominion University that fall instead, as a Mechanical Engineering major (and then ultimately Civil Engineering), presidential scholar, and Honors College student where I obtained my degree in just three years and finished with 3.03 GPA. In all honesty, I had a few hiccups on the way as I was a first generation college student and had to figure out the whole traditional four-year university thing on my own. But I was determined to try my hardest to finish strong with at least a 3.0 GPA, and I did just that. My college experience was quite short, but throughout my three years I served on the board for the National Society of Black Engineers, tutored Calculus and various other advanced math courses directly for my university, volunteered with the America Reads Program, worked as a peer career coach for my university's Career Management Office, and was even a mentor at a couple local schools.

The Navy has always had the greatest appeal to me as a career choice. I have always wanted to serve my country and wear the Navy's uniform proudly. I have even heard many veterans retell stories of their experiences serving and have always wanted to have these same experiences for myself. After graduating college, I decided to serve my country as a civilian as an attempt to get my toes wet in working for the Department of the Navy, and I currently work as a Naval Architect on aircraft carriers (L-Boats & CVNs) for NAVSEA. Even though, I do currently work as a structural engineer, my dream of working as a Seabee is still sitting comfortably in my heart. Now, however, it has shifted to something even bigger: the Civil Engineering Corps. I would be honored to have the opportunity to serve as an officer for the CEC. The Navy directly facilitates growth of the individual by emphasizing the importance of continued career growth whether it be through continued education or obtaining whatever certifications that one needs to do their job the most efficient. This is ultimately what drives my desire to join the Navy.

I was born into role of “leader” as I had to be a perfect example of a well-behaved child, a good student, and now a respectable adult for my younger sister and brother as the eldest. This blossomed into mentoring, tutoring, and volunteering throughout college and even now as a working professional. I have learned what determination, resilience, and accountability looks like, and I have done my possible best to epitomize it. However, I thoroughly believe that you can always be better, and I truly believe that the Navy’s CEC Officer Program will be my ultimate teacher.
 
E

exNavyOffRec

Well-Known Member
civilciv said:
Howdy,

I was wondering if anyone would mind giving me any feedback on my motivational statement.

“Life doesn't get easier or more forgiving, we get stronger and more resilient.” -Dr. Steve Maraboli

I was born to a 16 year old high school senior that worked tirelessly to graduate early and harbored dreams to become a MD. She is definitely tough, but because of the responsibilities of single motherhood, her medical career was placed on hold in order to raise my sister and me. After many years of hard work, double shifts, and I'm sure some tears and a bit of elbow grease, she settled on, for a lack of a better word, a degree in nursing. My mother is one hard working woman and she taught me that some of the greatest things come from sleepless nights and giving 110% always. Her determination led me to complete two semesters of college through VCU's School of Engineering before I graduated from high school in 2016 within the top 10 (as in the top 2.5%) of my senior class of almost 400 with a 4.3 GPA.

Throughout high school, I had the goal of joining the Navy upon graduating as I felt that the military could instill in me discipline, leadership, and the opportunity to continue my education. After the insistence of my mother, I took a detour on my journey and attended Old Dominion University that fall instead, as a Mechanical Engineering major (and then ultimately Civil Engineering), presidential scholar, and Honors College student where I obtained my degree in just three years and finished with 3.03 GPA. In all honesty, I had a few hiccups on the way as I was a first generation college student and had to figure out the whole traditional four-year university thing on my own. But I was determined to try my hardest to finish strong with at least a 3.0 GPA, and I did just that. My college experience was quite short, but throughout my three years I served on the board for the National Society of Black Engineers, tutored Calculus and various other advanced math courses directly for my university, volunteered with the America Reads Program, worked as a peer career coach for my university's Career Management Office, and was even a mentor at a couple local schools.

The Navy has always had the greatest appeal to me as a career choice. I have always wanted to serve my country and wear the Navy's uniform proudly. I have even heard many veterans retell stories of their experiences serving and have always wanted to have these same experiences for myself. After graduating college, I decided to serve my country as a civilian as an attempt to get my toes wet in working for the Department of the Navy, and I currently work as a Naval Architect on aircraft carriers (L-Boats & CVNs) for NAVSEA. Even though, I do currently work as a structural engineer, my dream of working as a Seabee is still sitting comfortably in my heart. Now, however, it has shifted to something even bigger: the Civil Engineering Corps. I would be honored to have the opportunity to serve as an officer for the CEC. The Navy directly facilitates growth of the individual by emphasizing the importance of continued career growth whether it be through continued education or obtaining whatever certifications that one needs to do their job the most efficient. This is ultimately what drives my desire to join the Navy.

I was born into role of “leader” as I had to be a perfect example of a well-behaved child, a good student, and now a respectable adult for my younger sister and brother as the eldest. This blossomed into mentoring, tutoring, and volunteering throughout college and even now as a working professional. I have learned what determination, resilience, and accountability looks like, and I have done my possible best to epitomize it. However, I thoroughly believe that you can always be better, and I truly believe that the Navy’s CEC Officer Program will be my ultimate teacher.
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A few questions, you say in your first paragraph that your mother settled on a degree in nursing, but in paragraph two you say you are a first generation college student?

I would expand on items that show what you have done as a leader, projects you have led, and things that will show what you can offer to the CEC.

I would not talk about your college GPA and how you did it in 3 years, I have talked to too many board members who do not view that as a positive thing, for instance a comment heard several times was "I would take a person with higher GPA who took 6 years than a person with a lower GPA that took 3 years" or one that doesn't apply to you is when a person talks about working all through college to explain their low GPA what was said was "maybe they should have done better at time management to ensure a better GPA".

you need to sell yourself to the CEC board, depending on how many applications they are getting they can be pretty picky and sometimes it takes a thumbs up from all the board members to get a "Y", other times just 2/3 or 3/4, and they do look through those applications and read not only the statements from the applicant but also the recruiter.
 
C

civilciv

New Member
exNavyOffRec said:
A few questions, you say in your first paragraph that your mother settled on a degree in nursing, but in paragraph two you say you are a first generation college student?

I would expand on items that show what you have done as a leader, projects you have led, and things that will show what you can offer to the CEC.

I would not talk about your college GPA and how you did it in 3 years, I have talked to too many board members who do not view that as a positive thing, for instance a comment heard several times was "I would take a person with higher GPA who took 6 years than a person with a lower GPA that took 3 years" or one that doesn't apply to you is when a person talks about working all through college to explain their low GPA what was said was "maybe they should have done better at time management to ensure a better GPA".

you need to sell yourself to the CEC board, depending on how many applications they are getting they can be pretty picky and sometimes it takes a thumbs up from all the board members to get a "Y", other times just 2/3 or 3/4, and they do look through those applications and read not only the statements from the applicant but also the recruiter.
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I am a first gen when it comes to a traditional college. My mother went to an online university so she didn’t have a traditional four year university experience. I will reword that for clarity.

Also, the three year university thing, in my opinion, is an accomplishment. I’ve met plenty students that were on year 6 and had a worse gpa. After talking to my recruiter, I was told that they also look at the grades that I got in my STEM courses which I did above average in all of those which I felt coupled with graduating in three years while volunteering heavily would’ve made me more competitive. I think I may take off the gpa and leave the three year thing.

Thank you for your feedback
 
E

exNavyOffRec

Well-Known Member
civilciv said:
I am a first gen when it comes to a traditional college. My mother went to an online university so she didn’t have a traditional four year university experience. I will reword that for clarity.

Also, the three year university thing, in my opinion, is an accomplishment. I’ve met plenty students that were on year 6 and had a worse gpa. After talking to my recruiter, I was told that they also look at the grades that I got in my STEM courses which I did above average in all of those which I felt coupled with graduating in three years while volunteering heavily would’ve made me more competitive. I think I may take off the gpa and leave the three year thing.

Thank you for your feedback
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I feel what you mentioned is a good plan.
 
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