Motivational Statement MEGA Thread

[Mowgli]

Hi guys,

Would love some commentary on my personal statement.
ASTB: 69 8/7/8
Undergraduate GPA: 2.98

My decision to pursue a commission as a US Navy Officer largely stems from two beliefs. First, that only by understanding and appreciating the past can one grasp the present and the future. Second, that people’s characters are determined by those around whom they spend their time.

As a first-generation American, the son of two immigrants, my first belief has long contributed to how I view life around me. My mother grew up in the Philippines, and the hard realities of poverty often dictated her life. She leapt at her first chance to come to America. As she raised us, she always made sure that my sisters and I viewed America as a place full of opportunity, and that our lives were our own to shape. My father, a refugee of the Cuban Communist revolution, reminded me that the United States had welcomed him with open arms and offered an equality not given by bureaucrats but guaranteed by the Constitution. He further inspired me by his service as a Major in the US Army.

I always understood that the opportunities offered to my parents were uniquely American, and that the lives of the millions of citizens that make up the United States have been shaped by their ancestors sharing similar stories. That realization drove my desire to give back to the country that had given my family everything.

It was only later that I learned my second belief, that one’s company determines one’s character.This belief continued to evolve as I advanced through the various stages of my life. In high school, almost every waking hour that I did not dedicate to education or other extracurriculars, I spent in the pool with my teammates. It was through them that I learned that being around the right people can make the darkest hours seem bright. While in college in New York City, where I juggled internships with a grueling course load, I spent most of my time around people who were constantly challenging me to expand my mind and to think critically. Thanks to them, I discovered that I was not a finished product for as long as I did not allow myself to stagnate. In my two years as a recruiter and this past year as a coach, I finally understood that the people around me were excellent, not because of specific actions they had taken over the course of their lives, but because of the people who had influenced them to take them.

It was through my second belief that I chose to give back by serving in the US Military. Having been born near Kingsville NAS and growing up near Corpus Christi NAS, my longtime exposure to veterans and current servicemen afforded me the honor to interact with people of a superior character. I hope to join and contribute to the Navy’s long tradition of excellence.

 

[ceetea90]

Hi all, may I have a quick question: where in the application that we put the motivation statement? Are you using the OPNAVINST 1420.1B or different form?
Thank you in advance!

 

[Kattaevans]

Okay, I'm trying to write my motivational statement for Navy intel... First rough draft... Not sure if I'm hitting the mark or if I need to scrap it and use a different tact. What do y'all think?

Undergrad in International Studies 4.0 GPA
I take the OAR in January

Tenacious, the single word I would use to best describe myself. I did not have a traditional upbringing. I was in and out of the foster care system and never had a role model to aspire to, rather, I had a mother who I aspired to be nothing like. She was an alcoholic who never had a consistent job and always struggled to meet the bare minimum requirements for maintaining a household. As soon as I turned 15, I got my first job and opted out of the typical high school extracurricular activities for a 30-40 hour work week to help pay our bills. I refused to let my grades falter knowing that an education would be what would allow me to deviate from the path my mother had taken. While her influence was far from positive, she taught me some very valuable skills that aided in my ultimate decision of wanting to go into the intelligence field. First and foremost, through living in such unstable circumstances, I learned how to be excellent at mediating conflict and maintain my composure in high stress situations.

My drive to prove my worth, and commitment to finding a career where I could apply my skills led me to pursue a career in international relations, specifically in intelligence. Since starting the International Studies program at the University of North Carolina Wilmington, I have been enthralled with studying international conflict. I concentrated my studies in globalization, violent political contention, and homeland security. I also took Russian, learning to read and write Cyrillic, speak the language, and familiarize myself with a nation that has the potential to pose a major threat to the United States. I became committed to ensuring that I could use my skills to aid in keeping our world’s greatest nation safe. I pondered all branches of the military and was certain that the Navy was the only branch for me, drawn by the values of honor, courage, and commitment and the opportunity to be at the forefront of national security. It is now that I have the honor of applying to the United States Navy. I am committed to pushing against the odds that were pressed upon me by my family and prove to myself and the world that I have what it takes to be a Naval Officer. With this opportunity, I will apply my tenacity and unwavering commitment to the Navy and my fellow sailors to ensure that we provide the best intelligence possible to maintain the highest level of national security to keep our country safe.

 

[taxi1]

Well-written

 

[exNavyOffRec]

Okay, I'm trying to write my motivational statement for Navy intel... First rough draft... Not sure if I'm hitting the mark or if I need to scrap it and use a different tact. What do y'all think?

Undergrad in International Studies 4.0 GPA
I take the OAR in January

Tenacious, the single word I would use to best describe myself. I did not have a traditional upbringing. I was in and out of the foster care system and never had a role model to aspire to, rather, I had a mother who I aspired to be nothing like. She was an alcoholic who never had a consistent job and always struggled to meet the bare minimum requirements for maintaining a household. As soon as I turned 15, I got my first job and opted out of the typical high school extracurricular activities for a 30-40 hour work week to help pay our bills. I refused to let my grades falter knowing that an education would be what would allow me to deviate from the path my mother had taken. While her influence was far from positive, she taught me some very valuable skills that aided in my ultimate decision of wanting to go into the intelligence field. First and foremost, through living in such unstable circumstances, I learned how to be excellent at mediating conflict and maintain my composure in high stress situations.

My drive to prove my worth, and commitment to finding a career where I could apply my skills led me to pursue a career in international relations, specifically in intelligence. Since starting the International Studies program at the University of North Carolina Wilmington, I have been enthralled with studying international conflict. I concentrated my studies in globalization, violent political contention, and homeland security. I also took Russian, learning to read and write Cyrillic, speak the language, and familiarize myself with a nation that has the potential to pose a major threat to the United States. I became committed to ensuring that I could use my skills to aid in keeping our world’s greatest nation safe. I pondered all branches of the military and was certain that the Navy was the only branch for me, drawn by the values of honor, courage, and commitment and the opportunity to be at the forefront of national security. It is now that I have the honor of applying to the United States Navy. I am committed to pushing against the odds that were pressed upon me by my family and prove to myself and the world that I have what it takes to be a Naval Officer. With this opportunity, I will apply my tenacity and unwavering commitment to the Navy and my fellow sailors to ensure that we provide the best intelligence possible to maintain the highest level of national security to keep our country safe.

Do you have any jobs or clubs that you were a part of that involved leadership? I would add that in as well as that is important to the Intel board.

Foreign language doesn't matter when going for Intel Officer so if you need more space I would cut that part.

Your GPA will get you noticed by the board right away.

 

[Kattaevans]

Do you have any jobs or clubs that you were a part of that involved leadership? I would add that in as well as that is important to the Intel board.

Foreign language doesn't matter when going for Intel Officer so if you need more space I would cut that part.

Your GPA will get you noticed by the board right away.

Not really unfortunately. I worked as a server, barista, and dental assistant through college. Non-of which were really leadership positions. I did revise a bit though

Tenacious, the single word I would use to best describe myself. I did not have a traditional upbringing. I was in and out of the foster care system and never had a role model to aspire to, rather, I had a mother who I aspired to be nothing like. She was an alcoholic who never had a consistent job and always struggled to meet the bare minimum requirements for maintaining a household. As soon as I turned 15, I got my first job and opted out of the typical high school extracurricular activities for a 30-40 hour work week to help pay our bills. I refused to let my grades falter knowing that an education would be what would allow me to deviate from the path my mother had taken. While her influence was far from positive, she taught me some very valuable skills that helped form me into the person I am today.

From a very early age, I learned to be incredibly disciplined. If I was going to make something of myself, it would be though my own initiative. I had to keep moving forward regardless of the adverse situation I was put in. As I entered early adulthood, this mentality gave me the emotional endurance, courage, and bearing I needed to move out on my own, continue working full time, and still graduate high school with honors.

In my early twenties my drive to prove my worth, and commitment to finding a career where I could apply my skills led me to pursue a career in international relations, specifically in intelligence. Since starting the International Studies program at the University of North Carolina Wilmington, I have been enthralled with studying international conflict. I concentrated my studies in globalization, violent political contention, and homeland security. I also took Russian, learning to read and write Cyrillic, speak Russian, and familiarize myself with a nation that has the potential to pose a major threat to the United States. I became committed to ensuring that I could use my skills to aid in keeping our world’s greatest nation safe. I researched each branch of the military and became certain that the Navy would be the only branch for me. Drawn by the values of honor, courage, and commitment and the opportunity to be at the forefront of national security. It is now that I have the honor of applying to the United States Navy. I am committed to pushing against the odds that were pressed upon me by my family and prove to myself and the world that I have what it takes to be a Naval Officer. With this opportunity, I will apply my tenacity and unwavering commitment to the Navy and my fellow sailors to ensure that we provide the best intelligence possible to maintain the highest level of national security to keep our country safe.

 

[exNavyOffRec]

Not really unfortunately. I worked as a server, barista, and dental assistant through college. Non-of which were really leadership positions. I did revise a bit though

Tenacious, the single word I would use to best describe myself. I did not have a traditional upbringing. I was in and out of the foster care system and never had a role model to aspire to, rather, I had a mother who I aspired to be nothing like. She was an alcoholic who never had a consistent job and always struggled to meet the bare minimum requirements for maintaining a household. As soon as I turned 15, I got my first job and opted out of the typical high school extracurricular activities for a 30-40 hour work week to help pay our bills. I refused to let my grades falter knowing that an education would be what would allow me to deviate from the path my mother had taken. While her influence was far from positive, she taught me some very valuable skills that helped form me into the person I am today.

From a very early age, I learned to be incredibly disciplined. If I was going to make something of myself, it would be though my own initiative. I had to keep moving forward regardless of the adverse situation I was put in. As I entered early adulthood, this mentality gave me the emotional endurance, courage, and bearing I needed to move out on my own, continue working full time, and still graduate high school with honors.

In my early twenties my drive to prove my worth, and commitment to finding a career where I could apply my skills led me to pursue a career in international relations, specifically in intelligence. Since starting the International Studies program at the University of North Carolina Wilmington, I have been enthralled with studying international conflict. I concentrated my studies in globalization, violent political contention, and homeland security. I also took Russian, learning to read and write Cyrillic, speak Russian, and familiarize myself with a nation that has the potential to pose a major threat to the United States. I became committed to ensuring that I could use my skills to aid in keeping our world’s greatest nation safe. I researched each branch of the military and became certain that the Navy would be the only branch for me. Drawn by the values of honor, courage, and commitment and the opportunity to be at the forefront of national security. It is now that I have the honor of applying to the United States Navy. I am committed to pushing against the odds that were pressed upon me by my family and prove to myself and the world that I have what it takes to be a Naval Officer. With this opportunity, I will apply my tenacity and unwavering commitment to the Navy and my fellow sailors to ensure that we provide the best intelligence possible to maintain the highest level of national security to keep our country safe.

Since you don't have leadership add in about having to make strategic decisions, you already touched on it about opting out of extracurricular activities, but talk more about working and how you had to be wise about your time management and activities to ensure you didn't take away from your academics. I guess including more about time management and those decisions in what you have is what I am getting at.

 

[number9]

@Kattaevans See below. I cleaned up some of your grammar that I thought was unwieldy. I'm a DCO applicant, not an OCS applicant; can you please tell me what your word/character limit is? I am quite particular about my own writing style, so YMMV.

The word which I would best use to describe myself is tenacious. As a child I was in and out of the foster care system and never had a role model to aspire to: instead, I had a mother whom I aspired to be nothing like. She was an alcoholic who never held down a consistent job and always struggled to meet the minimum requirements for maintaining a household. While my mother’s influence was far from positive, she taught me very valuable skills that helped form me into who I am today. From an early age, I learned to be incredibly disciplined to survive. In order to make something of myself, I needed to use my own initiative and to keep moving forward regardless of the adverse situation I was in.

As I entered early adulthood, this mentality gave me the emotional endurance, courage, and bearing I needed to move out on my own, to continue working full-time, and to graduate high school. As soon as I turned 15, I got my first job. I purposefully traded my typical high school extracurricular activities for a 30- to 40-hour work week to help pay our bills. Knowing that an education would allow me to improve my own life and take a better path from what my mother had taken, I refused to let my grades falter. Despite my work commitments, I graduated with honors and contributed significantly to my family’s financial security.

In my early twenties I decided to pursue a career in International Relations, specifically in intelligence. Since starting the International Studies program at the University of North Carolina Wilmington, I have been enthralled with studying international conflict. I concentrated my studies in globalization, violent political contention, and homeland security. I also studied Russian, gaining the proficiency required to truly familiarize myself with a nation that poses a major challenge to the United States.

In applying for a commission to the Navy, I am drawn by the values of honor, courage, and commitment and the opportunity to be at the forefront of national security. I am dedicated to ensuring that I can use my skills to aid in keeping our great nation safe, just as I am devoted to pushing against the odds that were pressed upon me and to prove that I have what it takes to be a Naval Officer. With this opportunity, I will apply my tenacity and unwavering commitment to the Navy and my fellow sailors to ensure that we provide the best intelligence possible in order to maintain the highest level of national security to keep our nation safe.

edited to add: I would echo @exNavyOffRec and try to add some color. I would also (if the word count permits) try to add some more about what the Navy gets from having you, instead of the other way around.

 

[Origin1776]

I would highly recommend that you mention nothing about becoming a naval aviator. Remember you are applying to become a U.S. Naval Officer.

14 years later and this is still as true as ever

 

[katate1016]

Hey all, I am looking for some feedback on my motivation statement. I have been struggling in which direction to go or what information to include in it. If you have any suggestions, please let me know.

The Navy has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. From my own birth in Italy to outdoor concerts in Florida with my dad, I have considered the Navy as part of my life.

Many “military brats” have a longing to join the Armed Forces from the time they are little and for me, it was the same way up until I moved away from my dad to be with my mom and stepdad.

I did not have the longing again, until I was almost twenty-one years old and almost done with college. All of a sudden, the yearning I had for the Navy had resurfaced. I put career goals of teaching aside, and set out to ignite the passion I had hidden under years of high school sports, college sports and loads of volunteering.

I, in no way, regret completing my degree in Education, because it led me down a road of making a difference in my community and staying involved in local events with city officials. I do, however, realize that only so much can be done from the restraints of one’s home and circle of comfort. I have never been a part of something so grand, powerful and team oriented such as the Navy. Though I have been a part of various teams, we never fought for the same goal. The Navy, like other branches of the Armed Forces, is goal oriented and actively seeks out those who are like-minded.

From the moment I realized that my longing to be a part of the Navy, I have committed to becoming a better version of myself physically and mentally. I have chosen to apply to become a Naval Officer because the Navy has a tried and true way of molding individuals into a collective unit working towards one goal. To become a Naval Officer requires mental strength, physical ability, and the ability to work together - all of these things are areas in which I know I can improve upon, and I look forward to embracing the challenge of becoming one of the few known as a Naval Officer.

 

[Tumbleweed33]

Hey all, I am looking for some feedback on my motivation statement. I have been struggling in which direction to go or what information to include in it. If you have any suggestions, please let me know.

The Navy has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. From my own birth in Italy to outdoor concerts in Florida with my dad, I have considered the Navy as part of my life.

Many “military brats” have a longing to join the Armed Forces from the time they are little and for me, it was the same way up until I moved away from my dad to be with my mom and stepdad.

I did not have the longing again, until I was almost twenty-one years old and almost done with college. All of a sudden, the yearning I had for the Navy had resurfaced. I put career goals of teaching aside, and set out to ignite the passion I had hidden under years of high school sports, college sports and loads of volunteering.

I, in no way, regret completing my degree in Education, because it led me down a road of making a difference in my community and staying involved in local events with city officials. I do, however, realize that only so much can be done from the restraints of one’s home and circle of comfort. I have never been a part of something so grand, powerful and team oriented such as the Navy. Though I have been a part of various teams, we never fought for the same goal. The Navy, like other branches of the Armed Forces, is goal oriented and actively seeks out those who are like-minded.

From the moment I realized that my longing to be a part of the Navy, I have committed to becoming a better version of myself physically and mentally. I have chosen to apply to become a Naval Officer because the Navy has a tried and true way of molding individuals into a collective unit working towards one goal. To become a Naval Officer requires mental strength, physical ability, and the ability to work together - all of these things are areas in which I know I can improve upon, and I look forward to embracing the challenge of becoming one of the few known as a Naval Officer.

I believe I saw you posting on the 1001 ASTB thread earlier. IF you want to be a pilot you really need to talk about that

 

[katate1016]

I believe I saw you posting on the 1001 ASTB thread earlier. IF you want to be a pilot you really need to talk about that

Okay! I’ve been going in circles on whether or not it’s supposed to be why I want an officer in the Navy or why I want to be a pilot in the Navy. Did you have any other feedback other than why I want to be a pilot or is the rest fine with some restructuring?

 

[exNavyOffRec]

Hey all, I am looking for some feedback on my motivation statement. I have been struggling in which direction to go or what information to include in it. If you have any suggestions, please let me know.

The Navy has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. From my own birth in Italy to outdoor concerts in Florida with my dad, I have considered the Navy as part of my life.

Many “military brats” have a longing to join the Armed Forces from the time they are little and for me, it was the same way up until I moved away from my dad to be with my mom and stepdad.

I did not have the longing again, until I was almost twenty-one years old and almost done with college. All of a sudden, the yearning I had for the Navy had resurfaced. I put career goals of teaching aside, and set out to ignite the passion I had hidden under years of high school sports, college sports and loads of volunteering.

I, in no way, regret completing my degree in Education, because it led me down a road of making a difference in my community and staying involved in local events with city officials. I do, however, realize that only so much can be done from the restraints of one’s home and circle of comfort. I have never been a part of something so grand, powerful and team oriented such as the Navy. Though I have been a part of various teams, we never fought for the same goal. The Navy, like other branches of the Armed Forces, is goal oriented and actively seeks out those who are like-minded.

From the moment I realized that my longing to be a part of the Navy, I have committed to becoming a better version of myself physically and mentally. I have chosen to apply to become a Naval Officer because the Navy has a tried and true way of molding individuals into a collective unit working towards one goal. To become a Naval Officer requires mental strength, physical ability, and the ability to work together - all of these things are areas in which I know I can improve upon, and I look forward to embracing the challenge of becoming one of the few known as a Naval Officer.

If the aviation board would even take the time to read this, and it is a big if, then based on the smaller boards that are more likely to review you want to talk about leadership you have had and what you can do for the USN, they selected based on hard data (GPA, Degree, ASTB for aviation) not your family history.

The best thing you can do to be a SNFO or SNA is to do well on the ASTB, SNFO has fewer people that apply so 6 might do it, or for SNA a 7 would be a good start.

 

[number9]

Hey all, I am looking for some feedback on my motivation statement. I have been struggling in which direction to go or what information to include in it. If you have any suggestions, please let me know.

The Navy has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. From my own birth in Italy to outdoor concerts in Florida with my dad, I have considered the Navy as part of my life.

Many “military brats” have a longing to join the Armed Forces from the time they are little and for me, it was the same way up until I moved away from my dad to be with my mom and stepdad.

I did not have the longing again, until I was almost twenty-one years old and almost done with college. All of a sudden, the yearning I had for the Navy had resurfaced. I put career goals of teaching aside, and set out to ignite the passion I had hidden under years of high school sports, college sports and loads of volunteering.

I, in no way, regret completing my degree in Education, because it led me down a road of making a difference in my community and staying involved in local events with city officials. I do, however, realize that only so much can be done from the restraints of one’s home and circle of comfort. I have never been a part of something so grand, powerful and team oriented such as the Navy. Though I have been a part of various teams, we never fought for the same goal. The Navy, like other branches of the Armed Forces, is goal oriented and actively seeks out those who are like-minded.

From the moment I realized that my longing to be a part of the Navy, I have committed to becoming a better version of myself physically and mentally. I have chosen to apply to become a Naval Officer because the Navy has a tried and true way of molding individuals into a collective unit working towards one goal. To become a Naval Officer requires mental strength, physical ability, and the ability to work together - all of these things are areas in which I know I can improve upon, and I look forward to embracing the challenge of becoming one of the few known as a Naval Officer.

Disclaimers up front: I applied for a DCO slot (not OCS) so my impressions may not be as relevant for you, and I have yet to actually commission (still waiting on my clearance). I'm also a pretty tough editor, so apologies:

In the first paragraph it isn't clear how or why the Navy was part of your life. I can read between the lines and guess your dad was stationed in Italy and then Florida, but you should probably spell it out explicitly. Whenever you write an essay like this, you want to avoid making the reader do the work.

In the 2nd paragraph, you mention the commonness of the longing but don't say why it exists. Do you feel a call to serve? Do you want to move around a lot? Again, a smart reader could infer what you mean, but you should be explicit with what you want them to take away.

In the 3rd paragraph, rewrite the first sentence entirely. Get rid of the "regret" part and frame it as a positive: why did you get a degree in education in the first place, and how does it position you now to be a great JO. If the theme of your essay is being goal-oriented, double down on that and connect how you would make the Navy better because of it.

I'd probably rewrite the last paragraph entirely. It's great that you want to become a better version of yourself, but it's a little one-sided the way it's written now. What is the Navy getting out of it? What aspects of your personality (or intellect or fitness or...) make you a good addition?

 

[Origin1776]

Hey all, I am looking for some feedback on my motivation statement. I have been struggling in which direction to go or what information to include in it. If you have any suggestions, please let me know.

The Navy has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. From my own birth in Italy to outdoor concerts in Florida with my dad, I have considered the Navy as part of my life.

Many “military brats” have a longing to join the Armed Forces from the time they are little and for me, it was the same way up until I moved away from my dad to be with my mom and stepdad.

I did not have the longing again, until I was almost twenty-one years old and almost done with college. All of a sudden, the yearning I had for the Navy had resurfaced. I put career goals of teaching aside, and set out to ignite the passion I had hidden under years of high school sports, college sports and loads of volunteering.

I, in no way, regret completing my degree in Education, because it led me down a road of making a difference in my community and staying involved in local events with city officials. I do, however, realize that only so much can be done from the restraints of one’s home and circle of comfort. I have never been a part of something so grand, powerful and team oriented such as the Navy. Though I have been a part of various teams, we never fought for the same goal. The Navy, like other branches of the Armed Forces, is goal oriented and actively seeks out those who are like-minded.

From the moment I realized that my longing to be a part of the Navy, I have committed to becoming a better version of myself physically and mentally. I have chosen to apply to become a Naval Officer because the Navy has a tried and true way of molding individuals into a collective unit working towards one goal. To become a Naval Officer requires mental strength, physical ability, and the ability to work together - all of these things are areas in which I know I can improve upon, and I look forward to embracing the challenge of becoming one of the few known as a Naval Officer.

What a board wants to see is your ability, as an officer, to get the job done. Explain how you are committed to leading by example through accountability, leadership, and integrity are a few good qualities for an officer. For my motivational statement I took direct quotation from the Navy mission statement, as well as the official Surface Warfare guide.
You will impress your board if you can demonstrate a working knowledge about your job, how you are specifically fit for the billet, and how you will lead sailors. Goodluck.