Motivational Statement MEGA Thread

[Fighter1997]

Hello. I would like to get some feedback on my motivational statement. This is my first time applying. I am going for supply. Thank you in advance!

Stats:
Master's Degree: Education: Curriculum and Instruction
GPA: 3.7
OAR: 46


Motivational Statement:


Decision making is an imperative skill, one that not all people are comfortable with. The United States Navy seeks candidates that embrace humility, pursue leadership and achieve greatness. I am formally making the decision to apply for a Naval Supply Officer position.


In my youth, it was an expectation to achieve a college degree and challenge myself to improve on tasks and abilities. One of the people that inspired me to pursue this feat was my father who was the strongest influence to the Naval ideology. He then retired after 26 years in the Navy as a Senior Chief - Logistics Specialist. An officer in the Navy has the expectation to serve their fellow seamen, be able to adapt to change, and take accountability for all actions. In my experience as a young professional I was able to prove my ability to serve, adapt, and take accountability for my actions and learn from mistakes. In my final year of high school, I earned the highest title for a musician, Drum Major, the leader of the Marching Regiment. Receiving this title did not change any of the actions that I had already been accustomed to. I embodied the “First one here, last one to leave” leadership to prove to my fellow musicians that I will serve them in the best way that I know. Attending the University of Redlands, it was a major shift from what life actually was living at home with my structured military family. It was my turn to take the skills I learned and apply them. It was a challenge coming to a school as the first person in my family to go to college, but in the face of adversity and going into that unknown I was offered many leadership positions with First-generation college student programming, Residence Life and Housing, and Phi Mu Alpha Presidency. I would learn that mistakes happen and there are consequences to all actions, good and bad. the lead math teacher at my school, I made an error that affected our grading platform and had it not been for my support instructor we might have gone a full month with incorrect data in mathematics. I took accountability for my inaction of rechecking the grading platform and worked with the same support teacher to create the schools “Content Team Checklist” ensuring errors do not happen again.


These experiences have led me to seek my opportunity to serve in the United States Navy. I know that the challenges I will face will be great, however my history has proven that I will stand in the face of adversity and seek to grow. I believe that with the leadership skills I possess and the continuous support of my family and colleagues, I will excel in the role of a Supply Officer. “Everyone is replaceable” is a quote I hear in the back of my mind, but I will make it my goal to make that a difficult decision for the Supply Corps.

 

[Yoder229]

Hello all, any feedback would be much appreciated. I am going for the CEC board.
Stats
B.S Civil Engineering
GPA 3.59
OAR 56

As a Marine veteran, being able to serve the military again while contributing to the community has been one of my personal and professional goals in life. While I was in the service, I was fortunate enough to be able to work under great leaders who inspired me to want to become one. Although I enjoyed being in the Marine Corps, I wanted to be able to challenge myself and do more. Once I became a civilian, I decided to forge my own path and choose a profession that I felt would best suit me. Becoming a Naval Officer will afford me the best opportunities to grow as a leader and as an engineer.

Throughout the years, I have learned much and have much to offer the Navy. I was taught a strong set of values, principles, and work ethic from a young age by participating in Boy Scouts and helping out on my grandparent’s farm. I try to give back to the community any chance I get. I have volunteered my time to set up and guide camping trips for the Boy Scouts and routinely host and support veterans’ fundraising events.

During my time as a Marine, I was a part of multiple training operations throughout Southeast Asia and assisted in conducting humanitarian relief efforts in the Philippines. I received various awards and commendations, including the Navy and Marine Corps Achievement Medal and multiple letters and certificates of appreciation. After transitioning into civilian life, I got a full-time job with MCCS Okinawa as an athletic equipment repairer. With this position, I became responsible for thousands of machines and equipment across six camps spread throughout Japan. Utilizing my GI Bill, I received an Associate’s degree from the University of Maryland before furthering my education by obtaining a Bachelor of Science degree in civil engineering from the University of North Dakota. With the support of family, friends, and a strong work ethic, I was able to balance being a full-time employee, father, and full-time student. I made the Dean’s List for six semesters and graduated with a cumulative GPA of 3.59. After receiving my degree, I successfully applied for and accepted a job offer as an engineering technician.

I have always wanted to be a part of the engineering field because of the challenges that come along with each project. With civil engineering, I can make a direct impact to improve many lives within the community. Most engineering projects are too big for one person to handle alone, and it isn’t until the entire team comes together that we can see the final goal. As a project manager, I am in charge of working as the lead on the project while considering everyone’s jobs and adjusting accordingly to ensure a successful outcome. In the past 18 months, I have led and designed four completed projects with an approved budget of over $1.3 million and assisted on two completed projects with a budget of $1.1 million. I currently have four projects in the construction phase with a budget of $860,000.

I would consider myself to be an excellent Naval Officer candidate. I am able to communicate effectively with cross-cultural teams to allow for the successful completion of projects in multiple military communities. I have learned both sides of the trade industry that will directly translate into a successful career as a Navy CEC Officer. I am able to bring ideas to fruition while being involved in every aspect of the project lifecycle. My unique skills and experiences will make me an effective leader and an outstanding Naval Officer if given the opportunity to achieve my goals.

 

[exNavyOffRec]

Hello all, any feedback would be much appreciated. I am going for the CEC board.
Stats
B.S Civil Engineering
GPA 3.59
OAR 56

As a Marine veteran, being able to serve the military again while contributing to the community has been one of my personal and professional goals in life. While I was in the service, I was fortunate enough to be able to work under great leaders who inspired me to want to become one. Although I enjoyed being in the Marine Corps, I wanted to be able to challenge myself and do more. Once I became a civilian, I decided to forge my own path and choose a profession that I felt would best suit me. Becoming a Naval Officer will afford me the best opportunities to grow as a leader and as an engineer.

Throughout the years, I have learned much and have much to offer the Navy. I was taught a strong set of values, principles, and work ethic from a young age by participating in Boy Scouts and helping out on my grandparent’s farm. I try to give back to the community any chance I get. I have volunteered my time to set up and guide camping trips for the Boy Scouts and routinely host and support veterans’ fundraising events.

During my time as a Marine, I was a part of multiple training operations throughout Southeast Asia and assisted in conducting humanitarian relief efforts in the Philippines. I received various awards and commendations, including the Navy and Marine Corps Achievement Medal and multiple letters and certificates of appreciation. After transitioning into civilian life, I got a full-time job with MCCS Okinawa as an athletic equipment repairer. With this position, I became responsible for thousands of machines and equipment across six camps spread throughout Japan. Utilizing my GI Bill, I received an Associate’s degree from the University of Maryland before furthering my education by obtaining a Bachelor of Science degree in civil engineering from the University of North Dakota. With the support of family, friends, and a strong work ethic, I was able to balance being a full-time employee, father, and full-time student. I made the Dean’s List for six semesters and graduated with a cumulative GPA of 3.59. After receiving my degree, I successfully applied for and accepted a job offer as an engineering technician.

I have always wanted to be a part of the engineering field because of the challenges that come along with each project. With civil engineering, I can make a direct impact to improve many lives within the community. Most engineering projects are too big for one person to handle alone, and it isn’t until the entire team comes together that we can see the final goal. As a project manager, I am in charge of working as the lead on the project while considering everyone’s jobs and adjusting accordingly to ensure a successful outcome. In the past 18 months, I have led and designed four completed projects with an approved budget of over $1.3 million and assisted on two completed projects with a budget of $1.1 million. I currently have four projects in the construction phase with a budget of $860,000.

I would consider myself to be an excellent Naval Officer candidate. I am able to communicate effectively with cross-cultural teams to allow for the successful completion of projects in multiple military communities. I have learned both sides of the trade industry that will directly translate into a successful career as a Navy CEC Officer. I am able to bring ideas to fruition while being involved in every aspect of the project lifecycle. My unique skills and experiences will make me an effective leader and an outstanding Naval Officer if given the opportunity to achieve my goals.

Paragraph 1 - intro is fine.
Paragraph 2 - nice to participate in scouts and grandpa's farm, but I would want to hear about guiding camping trips and veterans fundraising events, how many, number of people attended, money raised.
Paragraph 3 - you are duplicating a lot of what will already be in your application, from what I have read you probably have other items you could use this space for.
Paragraph 4 - the second part of the paragraph stands out with the projects, budgets, etc..... I would add in number of people you have lead or guided as a PM.
Paragraph 5 - eh, you probably don't need this but if you have space after adding more meat then you could leave it in.

You have a great GPA and degree, I am guessing you have your EIT? Do good in your accession officer interviews!

 

[AsianFusion98]

Hello,

Looking to apply to INTEL board soon.
Taking the OAR in 2 weeks, but working on my statement.
Let me know what you all think.

MBA in HR
GPA 3.8

For as long as I can remember, I have dedicated my life to joining the military. I actively began this journey in high school, as I sought out an organization that taught the type of strict discipline and leadership skills needed in the military. This led me to join the marching band the fall of my 8th grade year. I began in leadership as a section leader and eventually made my way to the top position of drum major. I earned several awards during this time, including band member of the year, a recognition given to the member with the most impact to the organization and its members.

My determination pushed me to complete college classes during summer breaks and throughout high school, which allowed me to graduate one year early. After graduation, I spent most of my time at Palomar Community College completing my Associate’s degree in Business Management. Along with the completion of my degree, I spent countless hours volunteering at the college's Veterans Services Department assisting veterans and their families with their benefits. I connected with many veteran workers, as well as their families, and became more knowledgeable regarding the challenges and the benefits of the military.

After my husband’s time in the service, we decided to move back to WI where I continued my education. I went on to obtain my Bachelor’s in 2020 and my Master’s in 2021. I am a driven individual who takes pride in my work and my country. I am constantly improving myself so that one day I may serve and eventually help others to improve themselves. This overall desire has led me to complete several degrees, take on leadership roles, and serve veterans in any way I can.

This duty to serve and protect all has turned me towards intelligence as it is the support system for all operations. Proper intelligence can start or end a war and keep all military members invulnerable and efficacious. By choosing me for this commission, I intend to support and equip all sailors with the ability and confidence to make informed decisions based on data and experience. Only then can the Navy focus on its single mission to maintain, train and equip combat-ready naval forces capable of winning wars, deterring aggression and maintaining freedom of the seas. I understand that joining the military and becoming a leader will be demanding and I will face many challenges, but I know I can excel in those trials so long as I know that it is my duty to serve and protect my fellow sailors and my country.

 

[FlyingGator]

Designator: 7371
Major: Drone systems engineering
Gpa: 3.0 ish (still in school)


My name is XXXX, I am a student studying drone systems with the hopes of becoming an AVO warrant officer. It has always been a dream of mine to join the Navy. Coming from a Navy family, I firsthand saw the good the navy does for its families and the United States. Being a part of something bigger than myself and having the ability to lead others while making a difference has always been something that resonated with me.



What drives me to the Navy is the opportunities the Navy provides to its sailors. As a civilian working an average 9-5 job, I wouldn’t have the opportunity to do things such as fly in arguably the world’s best drone program, continue my education tuition free while working, or have a direct impact on the lives and futures of others. That being said, this isn’t about myself. One large thing about being a leader the military that I appreciate is the ability to directly aide the futures of sailor’s junior to you. Having the ability to set people up with futures outside the navy or assisting in day-to-day tasks that take some weight off my juniors is such a privilege that I wish to have.



One way I think I could contribute to this navy’s combat team is my willingness to assist the mission and my people no matter the cost. A leader who doesn’t think about their people before themselves isn’t worth their salt at all. If you take the time to genuinely care about the people under you, morale would rise which would lead to heightened mission readiness and effectiveness. I would like to think my positive outlook, teamwork skills and determination would also not only benefit the people under me, but the Navy as a whole.



Bottom line, I would be ecstatic to serve my Navy with honor, courage and commitment while also dedicating myself to the development of in my opinion the best drone program in the world.

 

[number9]

Designator: 7371
Major: Drone systems engineering
Gpa: 3.0 ish (still in school)


My name is XXXX, I am a student studying drone systems with the hopes of becoming an AVO warrant officer. It has always been a dream of mine to join the Navy. Coming from a Navy family, I firsthand saw the good the navy does for its families and the United States. Being a part of something bigger than myself and having the ability to lead others while making a difference has always been something that resonated with me.



What drives me to the Navy is the opportunities the Navy provides to its sailors. As a civilian working an average 9-5 job, I wouldn’t have the opportunity to do things such as fly in arguably the world’s best drone program, continue my education tuition free while working, or have a direct impact on the lives and futures of others. That being said, this isn’t about myself. One large thing about being a leader the military that I appreciate is the ability to directly aide the futures of sailor’s junior to you. Having the ability to set people up with futures outside the navy or assisting in day-to-day tasks that take some weight off my juniors is such a privilege that I wish to have.



One way I think I could contribute to this navy’s combat team is my willingness to assist the mission and my people no matter the cost. A leader who doesn’t think about their people before themselves isn’t worth their salt at all. If you take the time to genuinely care about the people under you, morale would rise which would lead to heightened mission readiness and effectiveness. I would like to think my positive outlook, teamwork skills and determination would also not only benefit the people under me, but the Navy as a whole.



Bottom line, I would be ecstatic to serve my Navy with honor, courage and commitment while also dedicating myself to the development of in my opinion the best drone program in the world.

Can you attach this as a Word doc so I can make changes and you can review them? I have a bunch of suggestions.

 

[FlyingGator]

Can you attach this as a Word doc so I can make changes and you can review them? I have a bunch of suggestions.

yes! do I dm it to you?

 

[isabg0919]

Hello. I would like to get some feedback on my motivational statement. This is my first time applying. I am going for supply. Thank you in advance!

Stats:
Master's Degree: Education: Curriculum and Instruction
GPA: 3.7
OAR: 46


Motivational Statement:


Decision making is an imperative skill, one that not all people are comfortable with. The United States Navy seeks candidates that embrace humility, pursue leadership and achieve greatness. I am formally making the decision to apply for a Naval Supply Officer position.


In my youth, it was an expectation to achieve a college degree and challenge myself to improve on tasks and abilities. One of the people that inspired me to pursue this feat was my father who was the strongest influence to the Naval ideology. He then retired after 26 years in the Navy as a Senior Chief - Logistics Specialist. An officer in the Navy has the expectation to serve their fellow seamen, be able to adapt to change, and take accountability for all actions. In my experience as a young professional I was able to prove my ability to serve, adapt, and take accountability for my actions and learn from mistakes. In my final year of high school, I earned the highest title for a musician, Drum Major, the leader of the Marching Regiment. Receiving this title did not change any of the actions that I had already been accustomed to. I embodied the “First one here, last one to leave” leadership to prove to my fellow musicians that I will serve them in the best way that I know. Attending the University of Redlands, it was a major shift from what life actually was living at home with my structured military family. It was my turn to take the skills I learned and apply them. It was a challenge coming to a school as the first person in my family to go to college, but in the face of adversity and going into that unknown I was offered many leadership positions with First-generation college student programming, Residence Life and Housing, and Phi Mu Alpha Presidency. I would learn that mistakes happen and there are consequences to all actions, good and bad. the lead math teacher at my school, I made an error that affected our grading platform and had it not been for my support instructor we might have gone a full month with incorrect data in mathematics. I took accountability for my inaction of rechecking the grading platform and worked with the same support teacher to create the schools “Content Team Checklist” ensuring errors do not happen again.


These experiences have led me to seek my opportunity to serve in the United States Navy. I know that the challenges I will face will be great, however my history has proven that I will stand in the face of adversity and seek to grow. I believe that with the leadership skills I possess and the continuous support of my family and colleagues, I will excel in the role of a Supply Officer. “Everyone is replaceable” is a quote I hear in the back of my mind, but I will make it my goal to make that a difficult decision for the Supply Corps.

First off, I think your stats sound excellent. STEM and Business degrees are "preferred," but the masters degree will help in my opinion. I applied for both SWO & Supply, and selected for SWO this past February. Your OAR is also within range of the typical selectee. As far as your statement, I like how you discuss leadership traits and provide an example. I would recommend a tie to experience you might have within business/ supply chain, or reference qualities you have picked up in previous jobs that can replicate here.

Potential Job Responsibilities Include:

• Analyzing the demand for supplies and forecast future needs
• Ensuring all parts and equipment needed for ship maintenance and repairs are ordered and received on time
• Overseeing all retail services, logistics and culinary operations
• Managing the inspection, shipping, handling and packaging of supplies and equipment
• Directing personnel who receive inventory and issue supplies and equipment
• Evaluating bids and proposals submitted by potential suppliers
• Maintaining budgets
• Studying ways to use space and distribute supplies efficiently
• Determining the fastest, most economical way to transport cargo or personnel
• Overseeing the handling of special items such as medicine and explosives

Try incorporating some of this in your statement, for WHY you want to be a SUPPLY Officer. Good Luck, and you may PM if you have additional questions!

 

[yan16]

Hi everyone. I'm an active duty military and applying for IP, INTEL and SWO. I would like to get some feedback on my motivational statement. Thank you for your support!

Stats:
B.S in Electronics and Communication Engineering (GPA:2.66)
M.S. in Engineering Management - with specialization in Systems Engineering (GPA:3.91)
OAR: 50

The magnitude and complexity of the responsibilities of a commissioned officer requires an investment of time and effort to gain extensive technical and tactical knowledge, as well as leadership and organizational skills. For that reason, I believe that I am well-prepared to accept challenges of a commissioned officer.

Upon completion of engineering degree, I started my career as a Reliability and Failure Analysis Engineer in Toshiba Information Equipment, where I identified and managed potential issues of new electronic products. To broaden competencies and cognitive abilities, I pursued and earned a Master’s Degree in Engineering Management at National University – San Diego. While being an enlisted service member, I successfully gained several certifications and licenses such as Certified Senior Electronics Technician (CET-Sr.), FCC General Radiotelephone Operator License (PG), Certified Radar Technician, and Certified Wireless Communications Technician (WCM). With academic and professional experience, I recognized that I can provide innovative approach to the emerging Fleet challenges faced by IWC and SWO community.

Having a proven technical expertise on the extensive areas of systems engineering and IT project management enables me to contribute new perspectives in planning, developing, acquiring, and implementing IT resources and other support services. With tactical background as Defense Weapons Coordinator (DWC). I can support in establishing predictive analysis and evaluation to deliver appropriate intelligence information and warfighting strategies.

Throughout my enlisted career, I have unswervingly been inspired and challenged to earn a commission. And I would be honored to forge my own trail to serve and lead by example as a commissioned officer.

 

[ceetea90]

Hi everyone. I'm an active duty military and applying for IP, INTEL and SWO. I would like to get some feedback on my motivational statement. Thank you for your support!

Stats:
B.S in Electronics and Communication Engineering (GPA:2.66)
M.S. in Engineering Management - with specialization in Systems Engineering (GPA:3.91)
OAR: 50

The magnitude and complexity of the responsibilities of a commissioned officer requires an investment of time and effort to gain extensive technical and tactical knowledge, as well as leadership and organizational skills. For that reason, I believe that I am well-prepared to accept challenges of a commissioned officer.

Upon completion of engineering degree, I started my career as a Reliability and Failure Analysis Engineer in Toshiba Information Equipment, where I identified and managed potential issues of new electronic products. To broaden competencies and cognitive abilities, I pursued and earned a Master’s Degree in Engineering Management at National University – San Diego. While being an enlisted service member, I successfully gained several certifications and licenses such as Certified Senior Electronics Technician (CET-Sr.), FCC General Radiotelephone Operator License (PG), Certified Radar Technician, and Certified Wireless Communications Technician (WCM). With academic and professional experience, I recognized that I can provide innovative approach to the emerging Fleet challenges faced by IWC and SWO community.

Having a proven technical expertise on the extensive areas of systems engineering and IT project management enables me to contribute new perspectives in planning, developing, acquiring, and implementing IT resources and other support services. With tactical background as Defense Weapons Coordinator (DWC). I can support in establishing predictive analysis and evaluation to deliver appropriate intelligence information and warfighting strategies.

Throughout my enlisted career, I have unswervingly been inspired and challenged to earn a commission. And I would be honored to forge my own trail to serve and lead by example as a commissioned officer.

The board will see your certificates that you submitted with the package. I would recommend to take them out so you have more space to express yourself.

 

[number9]

Hi everyone. I'm an active duty military and applying for IP, INTEL and SWO. I would like to get some feedback on my motivational statement. Thank you for your support!

Stats:
B.S in Electronics and Communication Engineering (GPA:2.66)
M.S. in Engineering Management - with specialization in Systems Engineering (GPA:3.91)
OAR: 50

The magnitude and complexity of the responsibilities of a commissioned officer requires an investment of time and effort to gain extensive technical and tactical knowledge, as well as leadership and organizational skills. For that reason, I believe that I am well-prepared to accept challenges of a commissioned officer.

Upon completion of engineering degree, I started my career as a Reliability and Failure Analysis Engineer in Toshiba Information Equipment, where I identified and managed potential issues of new electronic products. To broaden competencies and cognitive abilities, I pursued and earned a Master’s Degree in Engineering Management at National University – San Diego. While being an enlisted service member, I successfully gained several certifications and licenses such as Certified Senior Electronics Technician (CET-Sr.), FCC General Radiotelephone Operator License (PG), Certified Radar Technician, and Certified Wireless Communications Technician (WCM). With academic and professional experience, I recognized that I can provide innovative approach to the emerging Fleet challenges faced by IWC and SWO community.

Having a proven technical expertise on the extensive areas of systems engineering and IT project management enables me to contribute new perspectives in planning, developing, acquiring, and implementing IT resources and other support services. With tactical background as Defense Weapons Coordinator (DWC). I can support in establishing predictive analysis and evaluation to deliver appropriate intelligence information and warfighting strategies.

Throughout my enlisted career, I have unswervingly been inspired and challenged to earn a commission. And I would be honored to forge my own trail to serve and lead by example as a commissioned officer.

Usual disclaimer applies: I applied for DCO and not OCS. What is your current word count, and what is the limit?

If you have room, I would love to see you flesh out your leadership qualities/experience (if possible). I can give you some suggestions in the 2nd paragraph to lower your word count; when writing application essays, I generally suggest to people not to rehash information from their resume if at all possible. I am 99% certain the person reading this statement also has your resume in front of them, so you don't need to waste space telling them what they've already read. Save that space to tell them what you want them to know about you that isn't in your resume.

Another way to approach the essay is: if they only read the first or last couple of sentences, what do you want them to take away from your candidacy?

 

[yan16]

Thank you for the recommendations above. I'm applying for OCS with a 250 max word count. I'll definitely remove parts that pertains to my certifications and replace it with leadership experiences. Thanks again.

 

[Average Monke]

Hey fellas, looking for some critique on my personal statement. Rip it up

ASTB: 61/8/8/7
GPA: 3.7
Major: Finance

Growing up near NAS Whidbey, I have seen how the Naval community embodies great honor and prestige. I was fortunate enough to witness these values through soccer coaches, parents of my friends, and relatives; individuals who were driven, intelligent, and courageous. Through the many interactions I had with these Naval personnel, I attribute one specific event to my interest in the Navy. When I was young, I was gifted an American flag that was flown in an EA-6B, by a soccer coach of mine, amidst Operation Iraqi Freedom. Upon receiving that flag, I came to a profound realization that the man who was giving me the flag, and his crewmates, selflessly risked their lives to ensure the safety of innumerable individuals. At that moment, I incurred a debt I must now repay to both past and future generations in the form of military service. It is my responsibility as an American citizen to do such and to do it well.

I am certain that I would be successful in the role of a Naval Officer because of my ability to fully commit. While working with Boeing, I would log ten-hour days to ensure that the financial reconciliation project I was working on was accurate and functional before its deadline. Through my efforts, I developed a model that Boeing’s upper management still uses today to reconcile their forecasting accounts at a mere glance. I volunteered with a paraplegic ski program for the Winter weekends of my senior year, where I would instruct individuals with mobility-impairing conditions on how to functionally ski. Many students required significant training, but to see the results were truly inspiring. Through these various forms of employment and service, I recognized the value of putting in the late hours and long days. Sheer time and relentless determination can equate to exceptional outcomes.

Not only would I ensure exceptional outcomes through sheer commitment and determination, but by strong leadership as well. I have found the best form of leadership is leading by competent example. I have worked many humbling jobs in various forms of a mechanic’s assistant, heavy equipment cleaner. Though it’s cliché, this background of diverse employment taught me that no one is too good to push a broom. It is through this sweeper’s lens I discovered regardless of how minuscule or unglamorous an assignment is, they are the foundation for a well-functioning organization. I will always be tenacious to complete any task that is asked of me and to ensure the completion of any task that I will ask of others. My former leaders taught me such and I developed a great respect for all of those I worked for because of it.

Between my moral obligation to serve, intense commitment to my goals, and my philosophy of leadership, I will serve the Navy and the United States well; striving every day to earn my place as a Naval Officer.

 

[TheWanderersWay]

Hey all, need help reviewing my stuff. Enlisted to OCS package, max 250 words.
OAR:50
Bach in History
GPA: 2.4
Going for supply

Becoming a Naval Officer has been my goal ever since I set foot into the recruitment office. During my initial attempt I discovered that I was color blind and could not become a NFO like I hoped, but I was not dissuaded. Instead I had chosen to enlist and gain navy experience in the hopes of coming back for a second chance, this time in Supply.
My goal in becoming a Naval Officer is to have the opportunity to lead others and help them succeed. Throughout my time in college and the navy I have always enjoyed helping mentor others and giving them the tools to overcome various challenges. In college I was the team captain for one of our Esports teams, which meant I was responsible for making sure everyone was dedicated to practicing. Additionally, it was my responsibility to make calls under pressure during gameplay to help lead the team to victory. I made sure everyone was in positions they performed their best in, helping the team to reach play-offs multiple times. During my Yeoman “A” school I used my position and knowledge as honor graduate to help instruct my classmates and new students. I frequently organized study sessions and personally went to each person to ensure they had a proper understanding and that they were able to pass without issue. This helped result in an increase in test scores and prevented any more failures. I believe these traits, among others, make me a valuable selection for OCS.

 

[Rtjenkins]

Hey all, need help reviewing my stuff. Enlisted to OCS package, max 250 words.
OAR:50
Bach in History
GPA: 2.4
Going for supply

Becoming a Naval Officer has been my goal ever since I set foot into the recruitment office. During my initial attempt I discovered that I was color blind and could not become a NFO like I hoped, but I was not dissuaded. Instead I had chosen to enlist and gain navy experience in the hopes of coming back for a second chance, this time in Supply.
My goal in becoming a Naval Officer is to have the opportunity to lead others and help them succeed. Throughout my time in college and the navy I have always enjoyed helping mentor others and giving them the tools to overcome various challenges. In college I was the team captain for one of our Esports teams, which meant I was responsible for making sure everyone was dedicated to practicing. Additionally, it was my responsibility to make calls under pressure during gameplay to help lead the team to victory. I made sure everyone was in positions they performed their best in, helping the team to reach play-offs multiple times. During my Yeoman “A” school I used my position and knowledge as honor graduate to help instruct my classmates and new students. I frequently organized study sessions and personally went to each person to ensure they had a proper understanding and that they were able to pass without issue. This helped result in an increase in test scores and prevented any more failures. I believe these traits, among others, make me a valuable selection for OCS.

Just my two cents, I would leave out the NFO stuff and being color blind. Remember the only way the board members see you is through your package. Talk about your motivation in becoming a supply officer, and why you are a good fit in their community. Thing big picture. Leading sailors is good and all, but we all in our career lead sailors enlisted and officers. Mention the type of programs In the supply core and you want to make a difference.
I would seek out a mentor as well, and have more than one person view it and revise it

V/R
ABE1 (recently selected OCS applicant)