Motivational Statement MEGA Thread

[swerdna]

As a Mass Communication Specialist Second Class, I have six years of journalism, broadcasting, photography and public affairs experience, including advanced photojournalism training. I have made multiple deployments aboard USS Blue Ridge [hull number?]and USS Ronald Reagan[(CVN-76)], and have served for more than a year as a Regional production supervisor[either capitalize all words in your title or none] and budget analyst for Commander Navy Region Europe, Africa, Southwest Asia. I feel that my knowledge as an at-sea supervisor, experience working at a highly-demanding flag command, and ability to effectively communicate and understand communications makes me an ideal candidate for the Navy’s STA-21 Special Duty Officer (Intelligence) Option.

First and Foremost[unnecessary, but if you leave it in, uncapitalize F in foremost], I am extremely grateful for the opportunities the Navy has given me to mature as a person and grow intellectually. After graduating high school in 2001, I attended college at the University of Louisville at the age of 17 and perused a degree in Mathematics. I was an unprepared and immature boy in a fast-paced educational environment, and I performed very poorly. Point blank[also, sounds cliche], I was not prepared [for] college.

I tried to make up for my college woes by joining the Navy in 2003[are you sure you want to make the Navy sound like your second-choice, or like a cure for your college hang-over?], but this too was not love at first sight. Like most other young Sailors, I had my growing pains, going to Captain’s Mast in Dec. 2004 aboard USS Blue Ridge. Under the guidance of an exceptional LCPO, I transitioned from a soup-sandwich to into the ship’s Site T.V. technical supervisor as an E-3, responsible for training a division of 17. It is through this process I developed two qualities I believe every good Sailor processes, pride in my everyday work and pride in my career[find another word for "pride" in one of the two qualities, otherwise it seems like they are almost the same. Dedication in my work, and pride in my Sailors? Also, they are both a bit selfish, having only pride in yourself].

During the next three years[,] aboard USS Ronald Reagan, I developed my leadership abilities while serving as a video production supervisor and the ship’s newspaper editor as an E-4. These responsibilities, coupled with my willingness to learn from the talented enlisted and officer communication experts around me, helped me progress into a communication professional and a sea-tested leader.

I then challenged myself to succeed further while serving as the only enlisted public affairs component on my current staff. Since joining the command, I have received a Commander’s Letter of Appreciation, earned the command’s Sailor of the Quarter, and was nominated for the Sailor of the Year. I have also intensely perused a degree in communications through the University of Maryland University College. More importantly, I have spent my spear[spent your spear? What does that mean, it sounds sexual] helping instill the Navy’s Core Values of Honor, Courage and Commitment into today’s youth as a volunteer basketball and baseball coach at the Naples Youth Center.

I love serving my country as a member of the Navy. I respect and admire my peers, senior enlisted, and commissioned leaders. Though I would be honored to become a CPO, I will better serve Navy as a prior-enlisted officer by setting policies that will help mold and guide the 21st century Sailor as the Navy continues to evolve. If commissioned as an officer, I will continue to grow personally and professional, seeking both enlisted and commissioned mentors. I will harbor a work environment built on the foundation of diligence, pride and comradery, always putting my Sailors first[I see what you're trying to say, but putting Sailors first means that mission is second]. Most importantly, I will lead from the front and set the example for all Sailors. I am proud to be Sailor and would be honored to serve as a United States Naval Officer!

This statement is very good. I put a few suggestions in, but overall it is strong. Be careful with capitalizations and run-on sentences. You might want to consider putting more focus on why you would make an excellent officer; how the skills you've learned will be put to work.

 

[swerdna]

I wish to become an officer in the Navy so that I may help keep America safe and secure, especially in these trying times of economic turmoil and war. I am aware that much will be ask of me as a Naval Officer. I believe that I have the necessary skill to be an effective Naval Officer and to fulfill my duty of protecting my Country.

I am a hard working and very self-driven individual. all important qualities a good Naval Officer should have[how do you know?]. During my employment with Braums[what is Braums? What did you do there?], I was nominated by my coworkers to work the busiest shift and was permanently given that shift throughout my employment due to my strong work ethic. Not only should a Naval Officers be strongly motivated by [their] work, but [they] must also be an intellectual individual who can work well with others.

I am a strongly motivated individual and I have always enjoyed a good challenge[as opposed to a bad challenge?]. Throughout my college career I have worked 30 hours [per] week while maintaining a fulltime student status with a 3.7 GPA. Due to my dedication towards my education, I have been on the Presidents and Deans Honor roll[how many times?]. I would like to be given the chance to show that same dedication toward the Navy.I have always enjoyed teaching and learning from other people. During my sophomore year I work as a math tutor and work with students from different cultures. Working as a tutor was a wonderful experience that taught me how to work with students from diverse cultures, but not only that, it also enhanced my overall cultural understanding. I am also capable of adapting to new environments. I attended and graduating from a two year college with an Associate’s Degree of Science with an overall 3.8 GPA. Soon after I transferred to Oklahoma State University and was able to adapted [this makes no sense] to the more stressful and demanding environment, while maintaining a 3.7 GPA.

I seek to be commissioned as a Naval Officer, because the Navy would be a tremendous opportunity that would offer new and exciting challenges. It would be an honor to work with alongside other experienced Officers, because it would allow me to learn from and enhance my leadership, management, and motivational skills. Overall, the Navy will help shape and prepare me to be an outstanding individual that will be able lead, teach, fallow, and accomplish any task at hand.
Thank you,
Er1cj

This is hard to read because it looks like one huge paragraph. Your verb/subject agreement is off, and there are many grammatical errors, some of which I've fixed. Overall, I think that it lacks focus, and you give very few examples of what you've done that show you'd be a good officer.

Be careful saying what an officer should/should not have because the board is going to wonder how the hell you know. Try to include, "I think" or "I believe that a good officer..."

Also, as an officer, you will be reading and writing A LOT, so brush up on grammar because you will need it.

 

[RocktheBloc]

I'm not sure anybody has asked this question yet, but what, in everyone's minds, makes a good statement? It almost seems like a crapshoot, some people write good statements, others don't, and that's that.

Some say a good statement expresses clearly what a person offers to the Navy, while others imply it has to something tangible and concrete. In other words, it does not seem a guy can say he is a good influence, as an example.

 

[swerdna]

Proofread it a couple times. There are a few simple spelling and grammatical errors you would probably catch yourself after taking a break and coming back to it. Off the bat, I see "envoke" and "comittment" misspelled (how do you spell misspelled?). Also a few unnecessary commas (I don't know how picky we should be here about this stuff).

Anyone know if we should be capitalizing "officer" when not used in conjunction with "Naval"?


Some general pointers on MS's that I've received:

Grammar IS very important.

Don't be "I"-ing and "me"-ing and "my"-ing all over the place; there is no "I" in team, right?

It is a STRICT 400 words or less.

I'll post more pointers when I get more.

A few tips here for all statements:

-Avoid the passive. It might work in German and other languages, but not in English. Be direct.

-The Navy doesn't really care what you have to gain from it; the Navy wants to know what it will gain from you.

-Leave religion out of your statement. If selected, you will be working with a myriad of people who have various (or none at all) beliefs.

-Capitalize words such as these: Navy, Officer, Sailor, Soldier.

-This sounds strange but it works...use semicolons and big words (like "myriad"). Avoid elipses and putting words in these: ( ). I know that I've used both, but I'm not writing a motivational statement.

I'm not sure anybody has asked this question yet, but what, in everyone's minds, makes a good statement? It almost seems like a crapshoot, some people write good statements, others don't, and that's that.

Some say a good statement expresses clearly what a person offers to the Navy, while others imply it has to something tangible and concrete. In other words, it does not seem a guy can say he is a good influence, as an example.

Here you go. The statement for OCS is a motivational statement, as in, why are you motivated for the Navy? And why is the Navy motivated for you? That's the way I see it.

 

[adhermes]

Motivational Statement for BDCP program

Ok, I am applying to the BDCP program and my packet is due on Friday if I want to hit the April boards. This statement is very different from what I've seen on here so far, and if it sucks please let me know. If there is potential, just please guide me along. I only have a few days to get this perfected. Thank you so much for your time spent reading this and helping me out.


[FONT=&quot]I have come to understand the meaning of life and how precious and short it really is at a very young age. My mother was unexpectedly taken from me when I was 16 years old. She had an aneurism while I was playing in a golf match my sophomore year of high school. A lot has been put into perspective since then. I have always taken life for granted, and now that I know better, I want to do something about it. Serving as an Officer in the United States Navy is something that has been a desire of mine for many years. Serving is going to allow me to protect the people that I love most. It is also going to allow me to generously and graciously pay back my debt to this country that has given me so much. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Since the day my mom passed away much has changed in my life that has led to me becoming a stronger, better person. I was promoted to Captain of my varsity golf team. I held this position for two years, while being on the team for a total of four years. I led a very successful team, and we went to the state finals all four years that I was competing. I will bring my strong drive to succeed and overcome hardships to the Navy. I have maintained a 4.0 GPA all throughout school, from fourth grade through 12th grade. Even though I went through the most traumatic experience an individual could have, I kept my head on straight and forged through. I graduated Valedictorian of my senior class and have maintained a 4.0 GPA in college. I have also had to juggle working 40 hours per week all three years of college in order to pay for my living expenses and tuition. I am an active officer of a fraternity, Kappa Alpha Order, and have done countless hours of community service to give back to my community. I am responsible for making sure all 70 of our members are on time and present for our community service activities. I will be able to contribute my strong work ethic, leadership abilities, and integrity to the Navy.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I would like the Navy to provide an environment in which I can grow further as a competent individual. I want to be able to build an even stronger sense of responsibility and leadership. I would like the Navy to be able to provide me with a lasting career. I have every desire to be in the Navy for the rest of my life, and I want nothing more than to be able to grow and prosper in an entity as great as this one. Please allow me this opportunity to better myself and bring something unique to the Navy. Thank you for your consideration. [/FONT]

 

[anghockey]

I have come to understand the meaning of life and how precious and short it really is at a very young age. My mother was unexpectedly taken from me when I was 16 years old. She had an aneurism while I was playing in a golf match my sophomore year of high school

.
Cut this. It doesn't correspond with anything else you say. While it's important to who you are, you need to say it differently.

Instead (I made some edits and deletions. See bolded words):

A lot has been put into perspective since my mother died unexpectedly when I was sixteen while watching one of my golf matches. I had always taken life for granted, but since then, I have wanted something about it. Serving as an Officer in the United States Navy has been a desire of mine for many years. Serving would allow me to protect the people that I love most. It would also allow me to pay back my debt to this country that has given me so much.

Since the day my mom passed away, much has changed in my life that has led to me becoming a stronger, better person. I became Captain of my varsity golf team. I held this position for the latter two of the four years I was on the team.

I led a very successful team, and we went to the state finals all four years that I was competing.

Cut this. Your team's success has more to do with good coaching.

I will bring my strong drive to succeed and overcome hardships to the Navy. [cut the bit about your high school grades. Only college grades count] Even though I went through the most traumatic experience an individual could have, I forged through, and graduated Valedictorian of my senior class, and continued to maintain a 4.0 GPA in college. I have also had to juggle working full time all three years of college in order to pay for my living expenses and tuition. I am an active officer of a fraternity, Kappa Alpha Order, and have done countless hours of community service to give back to my community. I am responsible for making sure all 70 of our members are on time and present for our community service activities. I will be able to contribute my strong work ethic, leadership abilities, and integrity to the Navy.

I would like the Navy to provide an environment in which I can grow further as a strong individual [NOTE: you want to be MORE than competent]. I want to be able to build an even stronger sense of responsibility and leadership. I would like the Navy to be able to provide me with a lasting career.

I have every desire to be in the Navy for the rest of my life, and I want nothing more than to be able to grow and prosper in an entity as great as this one. Please allow me this opportunity to better myself and bring something unique to the Navy. Thank you for your consideration.

CUT: excessive.

So your next draft should read something like this. Be concise!
A lot has been put into perspective since my mother died unexpectedly when I was sixteen while watching one of my golf matches. I had always taken life for granted, but since then, I have wanted something about it. Serving as an Officer in the United States Navy has been a desire of mine for many years. Serving would allow me to protect the people that I love most. It would also allow me to pay back my debt to this country that has given me so much.

Since the day my mom passed away, much has changed in my life that has led to me becoming a stronger, better person. I became Captain of my varsity golf team. I held this position for the latter two of the four years I was on the team.
I will bring my strong drive to succeed and overcome hardships to the Navy. [cut the bit about your high school grades. Only college grades count] Even though I went through the most traumatic experience an individual could have, I forged through, and graduated Valedictorian of my senior class.

I continued to maintain a 4.0 GPA in college. I have also had to juggle working full time all three years of college in order to pay for my living expenses and tuition. I am an active officer of a fraternity, Kappa Alpha Order, and have done countless hours of community service to give back to my community. I am responsible for making sure all 70 of our members are on time and present for our community service activities. I will be able to contribute my strong work ethic, leadership abilities, and integrity to the Navy.

I would like the Navy to provide an environment in which I can grow further as a strong individual [NOTE: you want to be MORE than competent]. I want to be able to build an even stronger sense of responsibility and leadership. I would like the Navy to be able to provide me with a lasting career.

 

[Jynx]

Adhermes, I hope you find this helpful. No corrections were made maliciously, and write me back if you feel like I can help more fully

[FONT=&quot]I have come to understand the meaning of life and how precious and short it really is at a very young age. My mother was unexpectedly taken from me when I was 16 years old. She had an aneurism while I was playing in a golf match my sophomore year of high school. A lot has been put into perspective since then. I have always taken life for granted, and now that I know better, I want to do something about it. Serving as an Officer in the United States Navy is something that has been a desire of mine for many years. Serving is going to allow me to protect the people that I love most. It is also going to allow me to generously and graciously pay back my debt to this country that has given me so much. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Since the day my mom passed away much has changed in my life that has led to me becoming a stronger, better person. (This is run-on. Try chewing on "Much has changed since my mother passed away. *insert changes here, maybe caring for siblings, helping dad cope etc.* These responsibilities have forced me to be come a stronger, more reliable/responsible person.(better is subjective)

My peers have recognized my supportiveness and comfort with responsibility. They rewarded me with the promotion to Captain of my varsity golf team. There I tried to set a motivated and positive example to follow.

I will bring my strong drive to succeed and overcome hardships to the Navy. I have maintained a 4.0 GPA all throughout school, from fourth grade through 12th grade. (THey'll know this if you submit your transcript)

Even though I went through the most traumatic experience an individual could have (I've worked at a hospital, I could think of worse. Try saying "one of the most" or "went through a devastating experience), I kept my head on straight (not sure about colloquialisms) and forged through. I graduated Valedictorian of my senior class and have maintained a 4.0 GPA in college. (could you maybe work this in to the other statement above about high school?)

(Go back somewhere and emphasize abilities to multi task, otherwise this just sounds too much like a laundry list) I have also had to juggle working 40 hours per week all three years of college in order to pay for my living expenses and tuition.

(Is this a leadership position, or are you a secretary? Again, don't laundry list, tell us how this makes you officer material) I am an active officer of a fraternity, Kappa Alpha Order, and have done countless hours of community service to give back to my community. (This needs to come before communtiy service, or it's going to sound disjointed.) I am responsible for making sure all 70 of our members are on time and present for our community service activities.

(See? Sounds disjointed. You went from Frat, Comm Serve, Frat, Work ethic)I will be able to contribute my strong work ethic, leadership abilities, and integrity to the Navy.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]

(Maybe this should be about how the navy environment will allow you to pay back their investment in you. I'd like the navy to provide me a gold plated Rolls Royce, but that's not their purview.) I would like the Navy to provide an environment in which I can grow further as a competent individual.
I want to be able to build an even stronger sense of responsibility and leadership.
I would like the Navy to be able to provide me with a lasting career. I have every desire to be in the Navy for the rest of my life, and I want nothing more than to be able to grow and prosper in an entity as great as (EDIT: The Navy).

It is my hope that you (Please sounds like a beg) allow me the opportunity to better myself and bring something unique to the Navy. Thank you for your consideration. [/FONT]

 

[timb24]

Should I capitalize the word 'officer' in my statement?

 

[spinspilot]

USMC 100 word statement

Thought I would post this here. The Marine Corps packet only allows 100 words on why you want to be a Marine Corps Officer. Please, your thoughts..


Dear Sirs,
I am applying for a chance to serve as an Officer in your Marine Corps. I wish to serve as an Officer so that I may lead the Marine Corps greatest asset, the enlisted Marine. I have always wanted to unselfishly give back to my country the opportunities it has afforded me in my life. The Marine Corps is where I can do that best. I want to offer my leadership, character and decisive attributes to turn them into nothing short of exceptional. My desire to lead marines is matched only by my dedication to achieving that reality. Thank you for your consideration.
Respectfully,
THE SPINSPILOT

 

[Jynx]

Thought I would post this here. The Marine Corps packet only allows 100 words on why you want to be a Marine Corps Officer. Please, your thoughts..


Dear Sirs,
I am applying for a chance to serve as an Officer in your Marine Corps. (You could save yourself another sentence by not saying this. I mean, they already know you're applying. Also, is it The guy reading this' Marine Corps? This sentence needs work. Try finding something more wowing to open your statement with)


I wish to serve as an Officer so that I may lead the Marine Corps greatest asset, the enlisted Marine. (Maybe we can combine these two sentences? The greatest asset to the Marine Corp is the quality of its enlisted Marines. I want to offer my leadership, character etc etc to ensure that they can continue to perform at the highest level (or something along these lines. There's alot of room for improvement in my sentence, but i'm taking a break from homework, so my brain is a bit fried)

I have always wanted to unselfishly give back to my country the opportunities it has afforded me in my life. The Marine Corps is where I can do that best. (I feel like you'd have to say why.)


I want to offer my leadership, character and decisive attributes to turn them into nothing short of exceptional. (If you chew over my advice, you'll have already said this)

My desire to lead marines is matched only by my dedication to achieving that reality. Thank you for your consideration. (Good way to sign off, I would not change it)


Respectfully,
THE SPINSPILOT (I owe a beer if you leave this in the real thing)

Best of luck

 

[m26]

Ok, I'm more of a sentence by sentence guy, but here it is:

I am applying for a chance to serve as an Officer in your Marine Corps.

Would you really say that? "Your MC"? I don't know the Marines well enough to say, but I wonder when I read that.

I wish to serve as an Officer so that I may lead the Marine Corps greatest asset, the enlisted Marine.

Take out the middle and you have:
"I wish to serve as an Officer so that I may lead the enlisted Marine."
Personally I don't like the sound of that. Maybe just "lead Marines." I like the idea of becoming a Marine Officer because no where else will you have the opportunity to lead the world's greatest fighting force.

I have always wanted to unselfishly give back to my country the opportunities it has afforded me in my life.

You want to give the opportunities back?

At least "for the opportunities."

I want to offer my leadership, character and decisive attributes to turn them into nothing short of exceptional.

This doesn't make any sense. First, which of your attributes are decisive? And what constitutes decisiveness in an attribute? I think you mean "decisiveness."

"Turn them into nothing short of exceptional"? That doesn't mean anything. Perhaps "Make them exceptional."

I like the image (that I am getting) of you providing the raw abilities for the MC to refine into a Marine Officer. I think you could do more with it.

My desire to lead marines is matched only by my dedication to achieving that reality.

I can't help but read that as "my desire to boss people around." I know better, but that's where my head goes. I would personally go anywhere else:
My desire to be
-a Marine Officer
-a leader of Marines (same, yet somehow more palatable to me)
-commissioned in the USMC
etc

 

[spinspilot]

appreciate the comments, working on it now..

 

[BigL17]

Motivational Statement

Once again I am requesting some help on my MS. If you have time give it a read and present your opinions, suggestions, and possible corrections. All recommendations are welcomed.

Thanks for your help.
..............................................................................................................................................................

I hold those who served before me with the highest regard and relish the opportunity to proudly serve amongst fellow servicemen and women. Countless servicemen and women have sacrificed freedoms and ultimately their lives to defend liberty and democracy worldwide. Such selfless sacrifices have allowed my family and me to overcome adversity and prosper in what I have come to truly believe is the “Land of the Free.” For such sacrifice I am obliged to serve with the same devotion to duty.

I believe that being an officer means stability of character and improvement of skills; as such I continue to better myself and gather experience that will allow me to excel as a leader among the Navy’s Sailors. I have learnt from previous employments that when placed in a position to teach or train others, I am able to express clearly the procedural aspects of the task the current job assignment entails. I am capable of executing tasks with precise tact and diligence whilst operating in a fast paced and stressful environment.

I value independence, but my job experiences as well as my participation in sports during high school and college have also taught me the importance of teamwork and camaraderie. Aspects such as these cannot be achieved if one places oneself above the needs of the group. Moreover, I have learned that a leader must assess the skills of the group, listen to group member suggestions and use this information to efficiently complete the assignment.

I hold with the utmost importance the success of the mission and the future success of my teammates rather than selfish endeavors. It is important to take responsibility and accountability for ones actions; as to achieve maturity, and eventually success. Furthermore, I acknowledge the significance of leaving positive impression on others, as for them to achieve better than I.

Now more than ever I am dedicated to achieving my goal in becoming a commissioned Naval Officer. It is my belief that the training the Navy provides will polish and refine my leadership skills thereby allowing me to achieve excellence, but more importantly allowing me the opportunity to motivate others to do the same. I aim to proudly serve in the United States Navy embodying the Core Values of Honor, Courage, and Commitment.

 

[anghockey]

I hold those who served before me with the highest regard and relish the opportunity to proudly serve among deleted the "st" fellow servicemen and women. Countless Americans have sacrificed freedoms and (cut this)ultimately their lives to defend liberty and democracy worldwide. Such selfless sacrifices have allowed my family and me to overcome adversity and prosper in what I have come to truly believe is the “Land of the Free.” For such sacrifice I feel I am obliged to serve with the same devotion to duty.

I believe that being an officer means stability of character and improvement of skills; as such I continue to better myself and gather experience that will allow me to excel as a leader among the Navy’s Sailors. I have learned from past employment that when placed in a position to teach or train others, I am able to express clearly the procedural aspects of the task the current job assignment entails. I am capable of executing tasks with precise tact and diligence whilst operating in a fast paced and stressful environment.

I value independence, but my job experiences as well as my participation in sports during high school and college have also taught me the importance of teamwork and camaraderie. Aspects such as these cannot be achieved if one places oneself above the needs of the group. Moreover, I have learned that a leader must assess the skills of the group, listen to group member suggestions and use this information to efficiently complete the assignment.CUT

merge this with the previous paragraphI hold the success of the mission and the future success of my teammates rather than selfish endeavors with the utmost importance. It is important to take responsibility and accountability for one's actions in order to achieve maturity, and eventually success. Furthermore, I acknowledge the significance of leaving positive impression on others, as for them to achieve better than I. CUT

Now more than ever I am dedicated to achieving my goal in becoming a commissioned Naval Officer. It is my belief that the training the Navy provides will hone my leadership skills, thereby allowing me to achieve excellence, but more importantly allowing me the opportunity to motivate others to do the same. I aim to proudly serve in the United States Navy embodying the Core Values of Honor, Courage, and Commitment.

This is one of the better MS's I've seen posted here. See my edits. You need to watch your use of passive voice. My main criticism is that you can make it more concise in order to make it even stronger.

 

[BigL17]

This is one of the better MS's I've seen posted here. (Had to highlight that part THANKS A LOT) See my edits. You need to watch your use of passive voice. My main criticism is that you can make it more concise in order to make it even stronger.

First off, thanks for your input and thanks for your compliment.

A few things though.


I learned from past employments (are you sure i should make this singular) that when placed in a position to teach or train others, I am able to express clearly the procedural aspects of the task the current job assignment entails.

I value independence, but my job experiences as well as my participation in sports during high school and college taught me the importance of teamwork and camaraderie. Aspects such as these are unattainable if one places oneself above the needs of the group.(I agree with merging the two paragraphs since they both talk about teamwork) I hold the success of the mission and the future success of my teammates rather than selfish endeavors with the utmost importance. I find it important to take responsibility and accountability for one’s actions in order to achieve maturity, and eventually success. Moreover, I learned from teamwork that an effective leader must listen to group member suggestions and use this information to efficiently complete the assignment.(I found it hard to delete this portion, so i re-worded it and placed it at the end)

Furthermore, I acknowledge the significance of leaving positive impression on others, as for them to achieve better than I. (I agree with you about deleting this portion, it was just something i added on, you can definitely tell)



Once again thanks a lot for your help anghockey.