How about because sometimes when you are in the military (especially when you're junior) you just STFU and do what you're told. If you can't deal with that then the military might not be for you.
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Motivational Statement MEGA Thread
- Thread starter FSF17
- Start date
How about because sometimes when you are in the military (especially when you're junior) you just STFU and do what you're told. If you can't deal with that then the military might not be for you.
eyes2theskies
Hungry for Flight
Rockthebloc, as another person currently writing/revising the MS and receiving advice and feedback from worthy sources, I will impart this:
The smack which hath been laid down upon my own original nauseatingly journal-entry-like motivational statement clearly indicates that this question "Why are you seeking a Naval Commission" does not, repeat does not mean "what was your unique and beautiful snowflake path to deciding you want a commission?"
No. It means, as others have been rather politely pointing out, "What can you do for the Navy and what can the Navy do for you?"
Maybe we missed another version of the question. Maybe who cares. You have the info now; knowledge is power.
...Philosophizing about the "why"'s of their advice... Freaking hysterical...
The smack which hath been laid down upon my own original nauseatingly journal-entry-like motivational statement clearly indicates that this question "Why are you seeking a Naval Commission" does not, repeat does not mean "what was your unique and beautiful snowflake path to deciding you want a commission?"
No. It means, as others have been rather politely pointing out, "What can you do for the Navy and what can the Navy do for you?"
Maybe we missed another version of the question. Maybe who cares. You have the info now; knowledge is power.
...Philosophizing about the "why"'s of their advice... Freaking hysterical...
RocktheBloc
New Member
Dang... its like I just rolled a grenade into a room. haha
I don't mean to be impatient, but would anyone like to look over my motivational statement and give me some advice please? I posted it three days ago on this thread and have not heard back from anyone yet. I assure you, I won't complain or question any criticism. Thank You
So, I wasn't selected for SWO in the Feb board...looking for ways to improve my package for next time. I think I have some strong areas:
3.4 GPA
Double Major: Biology and Education
OAR: 52 (not sure whether I should retake, I'm going to talk with my OR)
I realized after looking over some of the statements on this thread that my first motivational statement was somewhat lacking. So please let me know what you think of my second attempt. Please be frank, I need all the advice I can get on this. Thanks in advance and the word count is 399*
I can think of no higher calling than serving (than to serve) as a naval officer for the United States of America. In so doing (As and Officer maybe?), I (would) honor and protect (my)family, and friends. I also honor the memory of those who fought and died for the opportunities from which I have benefited (benefit). (Lots of repeated honor here, maybe try to sum all that up in one sentence.)
Throughout my life I have sought to improve, both in social and academic aspects. That (A) goal (that) makes the concept of an officer and a gentleman particularly appealing. An officer must be intelligent as well as (and) cultured, I believe myself to possess both qualities (If you make a statement like this I think it should be immediately followed by examples). Much is expected from officers, the navy has a history of success and developing successful leaders (So what? Are you giving a history lesson?). I look for opportunities to challenge myself, set high expectations and earn respect(maybe use to close). The uniform of an officer serves as a symbol for all those who desire to achieve perfection yet never quite reach it.(This sentence might sound better before the "I look for opportunities")
(Do this with the previous paragraph/monster statement followed immediately by examples.)Good = The mark of any great officer is that of a professional with strong morals, leadership ability and most importantly; motivation to excel. I believe myself a strongly motivated individual. I took challenging courses and graduated in the Top 25 of my high school class. I developed time management and study skills to graduate with honors from college, doing so while completing a double science major. In my efforts to become a better individual, I lead and later coached academic teams. Those opportunities taught me how to work alongside and compete against individuals of the highest caliber. Good paragraph.
I have several years of experience as a scout and community volunteer. (Through those experiences I learned maybe?) I learned a different understanding of how to work alongside and lead men dealing with their own (various maybe) issues. In college, I was a chairman within student government. While I would rather lead people who believe and support me, I developed a more dominant personality to voice opinions and lead in the face of sometimes fierce opposition. As a teacher, I expanded on that personality in helping to shape (by shaping/molding) young men and women during their toughest years. (shaping them into what? constructive/contributing members of society? Examples)
[FONT="]I have always believed in this country and would value having(to many haves) a part in its future development. Great respect is shown to the [/FONT][FONT="]United States[/FONT][FONT="], because of its leaders. Many of those leaders have honed their skills and molded their passions while in service to their country. Through a commission in the Navy, I will be able to contribute my knowledge while learning new skills with the men and women I serve.[/FONT]
Sounds good/genuine. Double check the switch between past and present tense, and excess filler words. Ex. highlighted in black.
RocktheBloc
New Member
I decided to take a new approach to writing my statement. As opposed to writing a full statement, I will write it paragraph by paragraph. That way, should the paragraph not be up to par, I can just rewrite one paragraph as opposed to the entire statement.
Here's my new first paragraph:
In seeking a commission in the United States Navy, I realize much will be asked of me. I understand that others will look to me for guidance and inspiration in the darkest of times. Through others, I have come to see the kind of leadership necessary to take men and women into battle and I expect to be able to do so effectively on day one.
Good opener, yay, nay?
Here's my new first paragraph:
In seeking a commission in the United States Navy, I realize much will be asked of me. I understand that others will look to me for guidance and inspiration in the darkest of times. Through others, I have come to see the kind of leadership necessary to take men and women into battle and I expect to be able to do so effectively on day one.
Good opener, yay, nay?
I'm not sure. More nay. It's a bit passive. Try this:
I am seeking a commission in the United States Navy knowing that much will be asked of me, and I am willing to give all. Although I will be looking to my superiors for guidance, I understand that others will look to me for direction, motivation, and inspiration. I am ready and willing to give whatever it takes to ensure success for both my Sailors and myself.
I agree with jus2mch...this is far too passive. I've made some changes. He gave you some good advice, rework it and repost it and I'll help you again if I can.
A few tips here for all statements:
-Avoid the passive. It might work in German and other languages, but not in English. Be direct.
-The Navy doesn't really care what you have to gain from it; the Navy wants to know what it will gain from you.
-Leave religion out of your statement. If selected, you will be working with a myriad of people who have various (or none at all) beliefs.
-Capitalize words such as these: Navy, Officer, Sailor, Soldier.
-This sounds strange but it works...use semicolons and big words (like "myriad"). Avoid elipses and putting words in these: ( ). I know that I've used both, but I'm not writing a motivational statement.
-Avoid the passive. It might work in German and other languages, but not in English. Be direct.
-The Navy doesn't really care what you have to gain from it; the Navy wants to know what it will gain from you.
-Leave religion out of your statement. If selected, you will be working with a myriad of people who have various (or none at all) beliefs.
-Capitalize words such as these: Navy, Officer, Sailor, Soldier.
-This sounds strange but it works...use semicolons and big words (like "myriad"). Avoid elipses and putting words in these: ( ). I know that I've used both, but I'm not writing a motivational statement.
There are a lot of problems with this statement. I'd go into them but you've obviously disregarded everyone else's advice so I won't bother.
So good luck! Let us know how the board turns out for you. And if it's not well, maybe you'll be ready for some help.
RocktheBloc
New Member
Whoa! Where'd the pissieness come from? I didn't disregard anyone's advice. In fact, that was my original statement, but I'm rewriting it, which was why you saw that lone paragraph that you stated was passive.
Jeez, everyone needs to chill out, big time. Stay frosty, people.
Revised Statement
I agree with both of you, jus2mch and andrews7. My writing style was a bit too academic, wordy and not personal enough. I have made some changes to it based on both your suggestions. It does read with more emphasis now. I think I need more substance in the introductory sentences, similar to what I have in the conclusion, they need to be there but they are not doing anything for me as is. I will see if I can think of a stronger way to introduce my statement. Thank you for your help so far.
There is no higher calling than serving as an Officer for the United States Military. By doing so, we honor and protect our nation, our family and our freedom.
[FONT="]Throughout my life I have improved myself, both academically and socially. I understand that an Officer must be intelligent as well as cultured, I believe myself to possess both qualities. I chose a demanding science major yet wished to develop future society as an educator. I look forward to the challenging opportunities that the Navy has to offer; to set high expectations and earn respect. The uniform of an Officer serves as a symbol for all those who desire to achieve perfection, and I plan to wear it proudly.
[/FONT] The mark of a great Officer is foremost that of a professional. A professional with strong morals, motivation and most importantly: leadership. I am a strongly motivated individual. I challenged myself with difficult courses, graduating in the Top 25 of my high school class. I developed valuable time management and study skills, which enabled me to graduate with honors and a double major from college. Pursuing efforts to become a better individual, I lead and later coached academic teams. Those opportunities taught me to stand shoulder to shoulder alongside and compete against individuals of the highest caliber.
In addition, I have several years of experience as a Scout and Community Volunteer. These activities taught me how to understand and lead people, even those suffering from various issues. In college, I was a chairman within student government. While I would rather lead people who believe and support me, I developed a more assertive personality. With this confidence I was able to voice thoughtful options and lead, even in the face of fierce opposition. As a teacher, I expanded that personality by shaping young men and women. I worked with them during challenging years, turning adolescents into contributing members of society.
I have always believed in this country and highly value a role in its future development. Great respect is shown to the United States, especially because of its leaders. Many of those leaders have honed their skills and molded their passions while in service to their country. Through a commission in the Navy, I hope to contribute my knowledge and dedication to the men and women with whom I serve.
I agree with both of you, jus2mch and andrews7. My writing style was a bit too academic, wordy and not personal enough. I have made some changes to it based on both your suggestions. It does read with more emphasis now. I think I need more substance in the introductory sentences, similar to what I have in the conclusion, they need to be there but they are not doing anything for me as is. I will see if I can think of a stronger way to introduce my statement. Thank you for your help so far.
There is no higher calling than serving as an Officer for the United States Military. By doing so, we honor and protect our nation, our family and our freedom.
[FONT="]Throughout my life I have improved myself, both academically and socially. I understand that an Officer must be intelligent as well as cultured, I believe myself to possess both qualities. I chose a demanding science major yet wished to develop future society as an educator. I look forward to the challenging opportunities that the Navy has to offer; to set high expectations and earn respect. The uniform of an Officer serves as a symbol for all those who desire to achieve perfection, and I plan to wear it proudly.
[/FONT] The mark of a great Officer is foremost that of a professional. A professional with strong morals, motivation and most importantly: leadership. I am a strongly motivated individual. I challenged myself with difficult courses, graduating in the Top 25 of my high school class. I developed valuable time management and study skills, which enabled me to graduate with honors and a double major from college. Pursuing efforts to become a better individual, I lead and later coached academic teams. Those opportunities taught me to stand shoulder to shoulder alongside and compete against individuals of the highest caliber.
In addition, I have several years of experience as a Scout and Community Volunteer. These activities taught me how to understand and lead people, even those suffering from various issues. In college, I was a chairman within student government. While I would rather lead people who believe and support me, I developed a more assertive personality. With this confidence I was able to voice thoughtful options and lead, even in the face of fierce opposition. As a teacher, I expanded that personality by shaping young men and women. I worked with them during challenging years, turning adolescents into contributing members of society.
I have always believed in this country and highly value a role in its future development. Great respect is shown to the United States, especially because of its leaders. Many of those leaders have honed their skills and molded their passions while in service to their country. Through a commission in the Navy, I hope to contribute my knowledge and dedication to the men and women with whom I serve.
This is much better. I bolded the parts that seem a bit off. The "issues" seems strange. Maybe use a different word. And the second sentence doesn't make sense because of "while". it doesn't fit.
But your statement seems solid.
RocktheBloc
New Member
Here is the next paragraph of my statement, combined with the revised opener proposed by andrews7. This time, I tried finding that focus and attempted to develop some ideas that were presented in the first paragraph. That way, there is some sort of flow to the statement.
I am seeking a commission in the United States Navy knowing that much will be asked of me, and I am willing to give all. Although I will be looking to my superiors for guidance, I understand that others will look to me for direction, motivation, and inspiration. I am ready and willing to give whatever it takes to ensure success for both my Sailors and myself.
An Officer is first and foremost a leader, and leadership is about inspiring others. Nothing inspires others more than to set a shining example to follow. As a university student, I hit many roadblocks as well as points of failure along the way. Instead of taking the easy way out, however, I always chose to tighten my belt (is that too informal?) and work harder the next time to achieve my goals. Through sheer grit and a can-do attitude, I brought up my GPA from a 2.0 to a 3.15 by the time I graduated, as well as achieved my goal of making it onto the Dean's List in my last semester.
I also want to explain how I'm trying to sell myself to the Navy. As opposed to more tangible skills, I want to demonstrate more intangible skills that can't necessarily be taught; you have to live it and become it. For example, time management is something you can teach someone, but the ability to relate with others is not easily taught. This is what I am going for. I don't know if its appropriate or not.
I am seeking a commission in the United States Navy knowing that much will be asked of me, and I am willing to give all. Although I will be looking to my superiors for guidance, I understand that others will look to me for direction, motivation, and inspiration. I am ready and willing to give whatever it takes to ensure success for both my Sailors and myself.
An Officer is first and foremost a leader, and leadership is about inspiring others. Nothing inspires others more than to set a shining example to follow. As a university student, I hit many roadblocks as well as points of failure along the way. Instead of taking the easy way out, however, I always chose to tighten my belt (is that too informal?) and work harder the next time to achieve my goals. Through sheer grit and a can-do attitude, I brought up my GPA from a 2.0 to a 3.15 by the time I graduated, as well as achieved my goal of making it onto the Dean's List in my last semester.
I also want to explain how I'm trying to sell myself to the Navy. As opposed to more tangible skills, I want to demonstrate more intangible skills that can't necessarily be taught; you have to live it and become it. For example, time management is something you can teach someone, but the ability to relate with others is not easily taught. This is what I am going for. I don't know if its appropriate or not.
Just my take but drop the drama about going into battle. It’s all about leading people. Good ole ‘regular day’ shit happens all of the time. You’ll have to sometimes ‘just get shit done’ which involves nothing about a war, but just leading sailors to get the daily maintenance routines completed.
Anyway, here is my experience, speaking as an enlisted person. Officers told me on a daily basis the things that needed to be accomplished. The commanding officer couldn’t muster all the sailors in the squadron each day to tell all of us what had to be accomplished, the CO told the officers. The officers then got together with the chiefs, and the word was passed down to the various shops (albeit there were times when I was taken aside and told to make something happen).
Being an officer is all about leading people, not about war. Trust me when I say you’ll find some shining examples here on AW. I’ve met some of these guys, some I already knew, gentlemen all. You’re near me, some of the others on the website are close as well. If you’d like to get together in person and have a sit-down… well I’m sure that could be arranged.
At any rate I do wish you well. Know this… being a trusted shipmate is very important. I still have a few kickin’ around I stay in touch with and I’ve been out for quite awhile (sigh… youth is wasted on the young).
Steve