Motivational Statement MEGA Thread

[0150r]

Here is my motivational statement. Any input on this would be greatly appriciated. I'm applying for IW, IP, and NFO.

I am applying for a commission because I want to become a leader of 21st Century Sailors. I have strong technical ability paired with leadership skills that will help me succeed in the demanding role of a Naval Officer. Serving in the Navy is one of the best things that I have done for my country, family, and myself. It gives me a great sense of honor and pride to wear the uniform every day. A Naval Officer is held to a high standard of conduct and responsibility; I want to be the person that steps up to make the hard decisions and does everything he can to make the Navy and this country better.

Previously working as the director of Project C.O.P.E. (Challenging Personal Outdoor Experience) at a Boy Scout summer camp, I have learned what it takes to become a leader in adverse conditions by leading young adults through difficult mental and physical challenges focusing on teamwork, leadership, and communication. This experience will help me guide Sailors to be successful in accomplishing their goals and becoming better Sailors. It can be difficult to inspire someone during a moment of weakness or hardship; but doing so is one of the most rewarding experiences to help someone overcome their obstacles and succeed in accomplishing their goals.

In choosing to enlist in the Navy rather that applying directly to OCS, I wanted to ensure that I could follow before becoming a leader. This is important to me because I wanted to have some of the experiences, challenges, and rewards of being an enlisted Sailor in order better understand who I would be charged with leading. As a junior enlisted Sailor, I aim for superior performance every day. This started at Recruit Training Command by earning the Academic Excellence Award for my training group. As the honor graduate of my IT "A" School class, I was selected for the Accelerated Advancement Program to be promoted to Petty Officer Third Class.

 

[m26]

0150r:

What's with the COPE acronym?

Third ¶: "...in order better understand..."

That's really all I saw on the grammar/spelling/typo front. Only a quick read, so there may be some tough ones I might have missed.

You need a conclusion, though. The statement just up and ends.

 

[0150r]

Thanks for the reply.

I'm not sure why my grammar checker didn't pick that up. I had 5-7 people read it and they didn't catch it either.

I took out the COPE acronym. The people that have previously read it know about the program so they probably didn't think anything of it. It's a climbing/high-ropes/challenge course made to help Boy Scouts improve leadership, team building, communication, etc. It's really a great program. I replaced the acronym and put "climbing/challenge course" in it's place.

I'm working on a conclusion now.

Thanks again!

 

[NAVYBM2]

OK I did not post my statement on here because I did not want to look like a jackass if I did not get selected.
I mean, no one should give advise if they are misinformed right?
So, now that I have been pro-rec'd I will post it. If I can help somebody on here as other people have done for me that would be great. I will erase some identifiers in there, but you will be able to fill in the blank for yourself. Please be advised that I took a very different approach to this because my situation is rather unique. However, it might give you some ideas; remember it is called a personal statement for a reason, so write what is in your heart not what somebody else is telling you.
GOOD LUCK!
Here it is!
Ever since I remember myself I have always dreamed of becoming an aviator. However, there was a big problem with my dream. At that time I lived in (country name), a country in a post-communist era and in a big political chaos with a bleak future.
As I became a teenager the situation became even worse, and my dream of flying seemed out of reach. It was at that time that my family’s fortunes turned and we were presented with an opportunity to relocate to the United States.
At that moment I realized that my dream of flying could become a reality, so I promised myself that I would do anything within my power to accomplish it.
Subsequently, upon High School graduation I joined the NAVY to pursue my dream. Unfortunately, I was young, naïve, and eager to begin the journey towards commissioning, so I signed up without any information on the commissioning process itself. I was planning to relay on my hard working nature to get selected for the STA-21 or other commissioning programs. However, that turned out to be impossible because of the citizenship requirement. Shortly after my active enlistment was over I did become a citizen and I begun school so I can apply for a commission.
Right now you may be wondering why I am writing all of this, and you would be right to say that it is too much background and not enough reason, but there is a point to it. I wanted you to know how long of a road I have taken, and how much adversity and hard work I have gone through just to get to this point. It has not been easy or pretty along the way but the determination and passion has always been there. Plus, along this path I realized that I want to be an officer, not just because I want to fly, but because I want to serve the country that has given me everything, because I want to be a part of this unique group of people that stands together to fight for freedom and democracy. It is also true that I could have done this as an enlisted, and I did as best as I could, but I think that I will be of better service to the US NAVY and the United States as an officer, which is precisely why I am seeking a commission.

 

[Haymaker]

I share the same sentiment as NAVYBM2. Now that I'm Pro Rec'd, I will overlook my reservations and post my motivational statement in the hopes that it may help someone. It’s quite interesting to see the stark contrasts between our statements. We were both selected in the same board yet chose two very different approaches.
After not having read my statement for a few months I realize that I may have come close to sounding too confident. I also realize that some will think the Blue Angel story to be cheesy and overdone. However, I subscribed to the idea that if I did not write what was in my heart, I would come across as fake and rehearsed. Good luck to all of you hopefuls out there and for what it’s worth (Probably not much), here it is:

Dreams are the motivators of life, and many have childhood dreams. Some are big; some are small. Each has its own inspiration. Sadly, many of those childhood dreams are forgotten and discarded somewhere between adolescence and adulthood. My dream was born the first time I attended an air show. Eyes glued to the sky, I witnessed the perfect balance between power and grace. When the Blue Angels burned a hole in the sky above me and sent tremors through my chest, I knew I had found my calling. That moment inspired a dream that would remain with me until this day; a dream that has only become more concrete with time.
My training and education as an aviation science major at Southeastern Oklahoma State University will serve the Navy well. Starting with no prior training, I became a certified flight instructor in 260 hours of flight time. During this time I continually impressed my instructors both in the cockpit and the classroom. I experienced stressful situations in the aircraft that had to be overcome with cool heads. As a competitor, I am proud of the success that I achieved on the flight team. However, my accomplishments as a leader were most rewarding. I was tasked with instructing junior teammates in the air and on the ground in preparation for regional competition. My hard work and dedication earned me the respect of my fellow team members as well as a second place finish and a trip to nationals.
My passion for the freedom of flight and my reverence for those who serve this country have only strengthened. It is the driving force for everything I have done in preparation for this opportunity and the fuel for the fire that kept me going when my confidence wavered. It enabled me to be a high-principled student and young adult, a loyal and reliable team mate, an attentive and conscientious teacher, and a notable, straight-forward leader. Even when challenged by obstacles, the determination to fulfill my dream allowed me to prevail in the presence of adversity. When I thought I could not continue, I did. Through the thick and the thin, I pressed forward, and I don’t plan to quit-not now, not ever. I will bring the same level of commitment to the United States Navy if given the opportunity, and I will be honored to stand tall with those who serve this country.

 

[hmbeagle]

Looks like people in this thread have received some pretty good comments/feedback on their MSs, so I'll throw mine up here in case anyone has a minute to read over and has any suggestions. Thanks in advance!

From an early age I was conscious of the fact that I had been born into a life of tremendous opportunity. When I was younger I associated my opportunities solely with the hard work and dedication of my family, but as I grew older I came to realize that my opportunities were a product of something bigger; namely, I was able to pursue almost any passion I had because of the hard work and sacrifice of those who cast aside a civilian life in order to answer a higher calling in the military. I have the utmost respect for the servicemen and women who have answered that call in the past, and I believe that the best way for me to recognize their contributions is to join their ranks.

I have never been one to shy away from a challenge. On the contrary, I wholeheartedly embrace challenges and thrive off the pressure that comes with completing a daunting task. Once I had decided that I would like to dedicate my life to serving my country, I was left to choose between the various military branches when considering where to apply. The Navy appealed to me for a number of reasons, but one of the biggest was that it appeared to contain the greatest number of challenges. Living and working at sea adds an element of unpredictability and constant change that is unrivalled by any conditions on land, and the thought of immersing myself in that kind of environment is exhilarating. A second appealing aspect of Navy service is the opportunity to have a measurable impact on the world. Whether it’s helping to fight pirates off the coast of Somalia or aiding in the relief efforts in Haiti, the Navy and its personnel are always in the news and always for the right reasons.

To be a Navy officer is to be a role model – officers serve, lead, and inspire, and I am confident that I can be a successful officer in the United States Navy. I believe that everyone aspires to leave their mark on the world, and I hope that my mark will be the knowledge that, as a Navy officer, I played some role, however small, in preserving America’s promise of opportunity.

 

[BigJeffray]

I was also Pro Rec'd for SNA in the March Boards, so here's what my motivational statement looks like. I'm putting this on here for reference only, and I hope it can be helpful to someone just as others' statements have been helpful on this thread. Best of luck to everyone in the application process!

Being part of something much larger and greater than myself and accomplishing something great through teamwork have always been incredible experiences for me. Those experiences coupled with my strong desire to serve and protect my nation are the reasons I seek a comission in the United States Navy. Moreover, I strive to be the absolute best sailor, and leader of sailors, that I can be.

My high school football coach used to tell us, "It doesn't matter how talented you are, just be someone we can count on to do the job right; be a 'Count on me guy.'" When I played for him, I was not a great natural athlete, but I was not going to let that stand in my way from being someone who could be counted on. I pushed myself during the offseasons, studied plays, and worked with teammates off the field to make myself the best player and teammate I could be. This all paid off enormously when I become a starter as a senior, and won the Coach’s Award for precisely those things that made me a “Count on me” player.

I’ve also been counted on heavily in the workplace, too. This is most notable at the job I had throughout college, when I cleaned corporate jets for a Fortune 500 company. I was responsible for cleaning, restocking, and moving multi-million dollar aircraft usually with no supervision. I was also relied upon to be available virtually anytime. I often worked well past midnight when I had to be at an 8:00AM class the next morning; and I did not let them, or myself down. I was still able to maintain and graduate with a GPA of 3.78, earning High Honors, and winning the Senior Award for the highest GPA in my major.

My degree is in aviation and I’m a Commercial Pilot Single and Multi Engine, and I am a Certified Flight Instructor. Flying is something that I love, and no matter where my career takes me, it’s something I will continue to do, at the very least in my spare time. I would like to be a Naval Aviator, however, my first choice of what to do with the next phase of my life is to be a Navy officer. Regardless of what capacity my country asks me to serve in, I aspire to be a “Count on me" Sailor.

 

[BigJeffray]

@hmbeagle - I think you're going in the right direction with this motivational statement, you're trying to tell why you would be a good officer and what you can offer the Navy, which I feel is what should be done. That being said, you don't give any examples. Try to be specific. Show the board a time in your life when you proved that you didn't shy away from a challenge, or that you completed a daunting task, etc., etc. I think you have a good writing style, but I think brevity is your friend with these. The first two paragraphs have a lot of fluff. I think you're on the right track, but you're gonna need to shorten what you have, and then add examples. I hope this helps a little, let me know if you want more specific feedback.

 

[hmbeagle]

Thanks BigJeffray, I really appreciate the feedback. I made some changes (quite a few, actually, to keep it to 400 words) and this is what I came up with. Also, congratulations on your Pro-Rec!!

From an early age I was conscious of the fact that I had been born into a life of tremendous opportunity. When I was younger I associated my opportunities solely with the hard work of my family, but as I grew older I realized that my opportunities were the product of something bigger; namely, I was able to pursue almost any passion because of the dedication and sacrifice of those who cast aside a civilian life in order to answer a higher calling. I have the utmost respect for the servicemen and women who have answered that call in the past, and I am eager to join their ranks.

I have never been one to shy away from a challenge. On the contrary, I wholeheartedly embrace challenges and thrive when under pressure. Despite posting respectable times in both 1-mile and 5K races as co-captain of my high school track and cross-country teams, the coaches at Boston College refused my request for a tryout. Although not a true distance runner, I set my sights on the Boston Marathon, though the distance and my inexperience combined for a miserable first marathon experience. Undaunted, I subsequently spent the next four years training for and competing in 7 marathons covering 4 states and 2 continents, all while improving my personal best time by nearly an hour. Furthermore, I have met the Boston Marathon’s elite qualifying standard on multiple occasions, and this year I hope to place in the top 1000 of the roughly 30,000-runner field.

Having decided to dedicate my life to serving my country, I was left to choose among the various military branches. The Navy appealed to me for numerous reasons, but primarily because it offers the greatest number of challenges. A second appealing aspect of Navy service is the opportunity to have a measurable impact on the world; Whether it’s helping to fight Somali or aiding in international relief efforts, the Navy and its personnel are always in the news for the right reasons.

To be a Navy officer is to be a role model – officers serve, lead, and inspire, and I am confident that I can be a successful officer in the United States Navy. I believe that everyone aspires to leave their mark on the world, and I hope that my mark will be the knowledge that I played some role, however small, in preserving America’s promise of opportunity.

 

[m26]

Short version.

When I was younger I associated my opportunities solely with the hard work of my family, but as I grew older I realized that my opportunities were the product of something bigger; namely, I was able to pursue almost any passion because of the dedication and sacrifice of those who cast aside a civilian life in order to answer a higher calling.

You can't use a semicolon like that. Also, that's a REALLY long sentence.

-Second paragraph has to be retooled. It needs to be much more concise. Also, as it stands the BU line sounds like a set up for you making the team anyway, and its a little disappointing when we find out that you just ran a marathon instead. [I couldn't run a marathon to save my life, so I'm not trying to get down on you for that. It's just not very good storytelling at the moment.] I also wouldn't mention where you hope to finish.

Having decided to dedicate my life to serving my country,

Total non sequitur.

The Navy appealed to me for numerous reasons, but primarily because it offers the greatest number of challenges.

No "but" necessary. And that reason is probably pure BS. You don't substantiate it, and I bet the USMC, USCG, USA, and USAF would beg to differ.

Whether it’s helping to fight Somali

Go back and look at that.

the Navy and its personnel are always in the news for the right reasons.

Who cares what's on the news?
Being on the news counts as measurable impact?
We've had some bad stories, too. I don't think that's what you meant, but it's how I read it the first time.

 

[jpcoleman]

Hey here is my essay, I was trying to break away from the typical "robot" essay. Any feedback is good, let me know what you guys think.

It is those with passion in their lives that are able to rise up and distinguish themselves from their peers. Passion provides motivation and drive to not only reach your goals, but to constantly strive for more. It is not merely my desire to become a commissioned officer in the United States Navy, but rather a deep passion that drives my actions on a daily basis.
From a young age I knew becoming an officer in the United States Navy was my calling. One day, as a child, my father took me to an air show where I witnessed the Blue Angels in action. After the show I was fortunate enough to talk to the pilots and their professionalism, demeanor and upstanding character had a profound influence on me, inspiring me to strive for the same. From that moment I knew that one day I wanted to proudly don the gold wings of a naval aviator.
I have not taken a traditional path that leads to the Navy. Convinced by my parents in high school my passion to become a naval officer was merely a “phase” and a typical civilian corporate lifestyle was the life I should live, I was not able to utilize any NROTC programs, as they weren’t offered at my university. But passion in a man’s life will rise up, the end of my collegiate career is near, and my passion is still strong. It is still the reason I want to rise to the challenge and serve my country. My passion is the reason I will not quit, I will not falter.
Many experiences in my life from the boy scouts when I was younger, being captain of the baseball team in high school, managing many employees as a movie theater manager, leading members of my section in marching band, or leading students academically as president of the undergraduate economics club, have taught me what it takes to lead. I know what it takes to provide leadership vision to individuals and it is my desire to bring this experience to the navy where you can lead, and be lead by the best this nation has to offer.
A desire in an individual’s life can fade away, but passion is something that constantly calls to you. My passion to be a United States Navy officer is precisely the reason I will succeed and why I will be one that rises to the challenge.

 

[m26]

Good one, coleman. Flawed, certainly, but the substance is excellent. It reads like an essay, rather than a conglomeration of bits you wanted the board to see. I'll point some things out after class, but comma use looks like a weak spot at first blush.

 

[kitemen]

Hey M26, you helped me on my motivation St. a few months ago. I was pro-rec SNA this month. Thank you for your help

 

[m26]

It is not merely my desire to become a commissioned officer in the United States Navy, but rather a deep passion that drives my actions on a daily basis.

This sentence looks funny to me, but I can't see any specific problems.

From that moment I knew that one day I wanted to proudly don the gold wings of a naval aviator.

"One day" seems unnecessary. Come to think of it, if you left it in the sentence would make no sense, strictly speaking. If you keep it, you have to move it to before "proudly."
I believe Naval Aviator should be capitalized.

I have not taken a traditional path that leads to the Navy.

A phrase often used, and followed inevitably by something fairly typical. No exception here.

Convinced by my parents in high school my passion to become a naval officer was merely a “phase” and a typical civilian corporate lifestyle was the life I should live, I was not able to utilize any NROTC programs, as they weren’t offered at my university.

Huh? I'm up at 0345 and a little tired, and having trouble expressing why this is wrong, so bear with me. After reading this a few times, my feeling is that you ended up at a U without NROTC as a result of following the whims of your parents, and that's what you're trying to say. At any rate, what is actually on "paper" provides no logical link between your parents wanting you to be a civilian and your U not offering NROTC programs.

Ok that was really bad. Hopefully you can decipher what I'm trying to say, because that sentence really bends my mind.

But passion in a man’s life will rise up, the end of my collegiate career is near, and my passion is still strong.

The first comma is definitely not a comma. I'm pretty sure you want a semicolon, although a semicolon seems a bit weird in a sentence you start with "but." But I think a dash is a stretch. Once that's in place, the second comma isn't necessary (well, it's wrong now, too).

Many experiences in my life from the boy scouts when I was younger, being captain of the baseball team in high school, managing many employees as a movie theater manager, leading members of my section in marching band, or leading students academically as president of the undergraduate economics club, have taught me what it takes to lead.

Can't say as I know whether it is technically correct or incorrect, but I personally do not like to see the point come after the list.

Also, say "managing many employees as a movie theatre manager" 5 times fast. It is not graceful prose.

I know what it takes to provide leadership vision to individuals and it is my desire to bring this experience to the navy where you can lead, and be lead by the best this nation has to offer.

"Led"
"Navy"
What does it mean to "provide leadership vision to individuals"?

A desire in an individual’s life can fade away, but passion is something that constantly calls to you.

I vote you lose "an individual's". Keeps the 1st/2nd/3rd person thing symmetrical at least for this sentence. You seem to jump around a bit in the rest of the statement, btw, albeit probably unavoidably.

My passion to be a United States Navy officer is precisely the reason I will succeed and why I will be one that rises to the challenge.

I'm not 100% clear on the convention, but I think you want "Naval Officer." You could be an officer in the Navy, say, but I think we tend to refer to the title as "Naval Officer." I think.

 

[tonio]

I have already gained great feedback from a couple of Selects so I am currently revising but I figured I'd post mine up pre-revision for additional scrutiny. If you cannot tell I tried to go non-traditional here (even injecting humor at the beginning) but in revising I've reached a bit of a stump. Details has been the #1 thing that I have been told, and my statement lacks them so I am working on that. I also must preface this by saying I am an E-3 and just completed my first year in the Air Force as a reservist so its not like I have a laundry list of achievements as of yet.

“Latrine Queen,” this is not a duty that many individuals would care to mention, but it was my first opportunity to be a leader in the military. Although my responsibilities taught me a unique lesson in humility, I learned the importance of gaining the trust of those who depend on me for direction and those who depend on me to do my job. From then on the path to leadership in the military became my aspiration, contributing to my selection for the Airman Leadership Program in the United States Air Force. As I did then, I will lead by example through exemplifying the core values with Honor, Courage and Commitment to my duty as an officer in the United States Navy.

My story was not always one of great achievement but never did my determination falter. I was blessed with my own family at a young age and immediately my focus went from my personal goals to providing for them. In the pursuit of setting a standard for my son, I began to set a higher standard for myself. My academic studies went from marginal in grade school to outstanding in college. I understood how critical it was to maintain balance, which meant my job received the same effort as my academics as well as my family. My experiences have prepared me to not only conquer any obstacle that may stand in the way of completing Officer Candidate School, but also maintain an exemplary standard in doing so.

Regardless of my role in the mission, my determination is relentless and adversity only stands as a source of motivation. As a Naval Officer the dedication I give to those I serve will be no less than the dedication I have given to my responsibilities, my studies and my family. I will lead by my moral actions and the standard that has driven me thus far. It is this drive that makes me an outstanding candidate for Officer Candidate School in the United States Navy.