Motivational Statement MEGA Thread

[NAVYBM2]

I have already gained great feedback from a couple of Selects so I am currently revising but I figured I'd post mine up pre-revision for additional scrutiny. If you cannot tell I tried to go non-traditional here (even injecting humor at the beginning) but in revising I've reached a bit of a stump. Details has been the #1 thing that I have been told, and my statement lacks them so I am working on that. I also must preface this by saying I am an E-3 and just completed my first year in the Air Force as a reservist so its not like I have a laundry list of achievements as of yet.

“Latrine Queen,” this is not a duty that many individuals would care to mention, but it was my first opportunity to be a leader in the military. Although my responsibilities taught me a unique lesson in humility, I learned the importance of gaining the trust of those who depend on me for direction and those who depend on me to do my job. From then on the path to leadership in the military became my aspiration, contributing to my selection for the Airman Leadership Program in the United States Air Force. As I did then, I will lead by example through exemplifying the core values with Honor, Courage and Commitment to my duty as an officer in the United States Navy.

My story was not always one of great achievement but never did my determination falter. I was blessed with my own family at a young age and immediately my focus went from my personal goals to providing for them. In the pursuit of setting a standard for my son, I began to set a higher standard for myself. My academic studies went from marginal in grade school to outstanding in college. I understood how critical it was to maintain balance, which meant my job received the same effort as my academics as well as my family. My experiences have prepared me to not only conquer any obstacle that may stand in the way of completing Officer Candidate School, but also maintain an exemplary standard in doing so.

Regardless of my role in the mission, my determination is relentless and adversity only stands as a source of motivation. As a Naval Officer the dedication I give to those I serve will be no less than the dedication I have given to my responsibilities, my studies and my family. I will lead by my moral actions and the standard that has driven me thus far. It is this drive that makes me an outstanding candidate for Officer Candidate School in the United States Navy.

This is good! I can tell that you are speaking from the heart! It does not look too formal, and it does not look informal, it is just right in my opinion. This is exactly what I did with mine.
Good Job man!

 

[m26]

A good one, with some minor foibles.

“Latrine Queen,” this is not a duty that many individuals would care to mention, but it was my first opportunity to be a leader in the military.

Use a colon after "queen."

Although my responsibilities taught me a unique lesson in humility, I learned the importance of gaining the trust of those who depend on me for direction and those who depend on me to do my job.

I think you should change "responsibilities" to "duties."

Joking, of course... but I wish you would.

From then on the path to leadership in the military became my aspiration

Technically, I believe this works. A tighter phrasing might be better, though, such as, "From then on I aspired to become a leader in the military."
I believe this is also passive.

As I did then, I will lead by example through exemplifying the core values with Honor, Courage and Commitment to my duty as an officer in the United States Navy.

"through" --> "by"
Uncapitalize (is that a word?) HCC.

I thought you were going Coastie?

My story was not always one of great achievement, but never did my determination falter.

Need a comma.

I was blessed with my own family at a young age, and immediately my focus went from my personal goals to providing for them.

Ditto.

In the pursuit of setting a standard for my son

I don't like this phrase.

My academic studies went from marginal in grade school to outstanding in college.

I hope you have a stellar GPA. [i.e. at least 3.7]

I understood how critical it was to maintain balance, which meant my job received the same effort as my academics as well as my family.

I think it would need to be "as well as as my family."

Regardless, use the active voice: "which meant that I devoted as much effort to my job as to my studies and caring for my family."

I will lead by my moral actions and the standard that has driven me thus far.

Huh?

 

[tonio]

I truly appreciate the response, and note taken on everything. GPA is 3.4, which fell from around 3.7 because I have entirely too much going on. I could possibly change or even delete that sentence altogether. Great feedback and I'll revise.

The Coast Guard was my chance at aviation due to my age (29) and that ship has sailed, I'll be 30 next month.

 

[m26]

I like the thought, if you keep it relative. The improvement was outstanding, and it's good to point it out.

 

[hmbeagle]

Thanks for the feedback m26!

You can't use a semicolon like that. Also, that's a REALLY long sentence.

I'll respectfully disagree with you on the first point since semicolons can be used before introductory words when they introduce complete sentences. I'll concede on the latter, however.

No "but" necessary. And that reason is probably pure BS. You don't substantiate it, and I bet the USMC, USCG, USA, and USAF would beg to differ.

In my original statement I did provide some support for my assertion that the Navy offers the greatest challenge of any military branch, particularly with regards to naval air operations. I certainly agree with you though that without that qualification this is pretty weak, so thank you for pointing that out. After writing the first couple drafts I began to make the mistake of reading this as if elements from my previous versions were still implied or should have been obvious.

 

[m26]

I'll respectfully disagree with you on the first point since semicolons can be used before introductory words when they introduce complete sentences. I'll concede on the latter, however.

I looked it up, and at first I was inclined to say you are right, but now I'm not entirely certain. All I see is that you use a semicolon to join two independent clauses. You've joined 2 indies with a comma, then attached an IC rider to that compound sentence with a semicolon. That's grammar beyond my level. At any rate, it was three legitimate sentences posing together as a single sentence. Not good.

 

[von3223]

Motivational Essay

To all good people of airwarriors... I'm applying for SNA/NFO through BDCP and gearing my motivational statement towards that. Any and all advice/feedback is appreciated on this statement.
Here is the masterpiece (lol ya right) Thanks in advance :icon_mi_1

Abraham Lincoln once said “I do the very best I know how - the very best I can; and I mean to keep on doing so until the end”. This quote is the philosophy that I base my life on. Ever since I heard the memorable Navy stories from my grandfather who was a naval aviator in the late 50’s, the idea of becoming a Naval Officer has excited me. I would be honored to serve among and lead the greatest men and women in uniform. I know I can exemplify the values of a Naval Officer which are honor, courage, commitment, and leadership.
When a challenge presents itself, I rise to the occasion. For example, I noticed that young people in my church needed help and guidance from somebody that they could relate to. So I stepped up and became a youth leader. I feel like my unique leadership experience and my ability to delegate will be an invaluable tool for the Navy. I have dedicated myself to helping others which is why I love volunteering and serving in the community. I feel like the Navy will continue to allow me to do this, just on a much larger scale. I am also very goal oriented which explains how I’m able to maintain a 3.72 GPA in school while holding down two part-time jobs.
I have been involved in numerous extracurricular activities, teams, and clubs throughout high school and college. I was voted in as the President of my college’s table tennis club which gave me valuable leadership experience. I am always eager to try new things and I take pride in what I do. I conduct myself with honor and integrity, even when no one’s watching.
If I’m given the opportunity to become a Naval Officer, I will strive to be the best I can be and make sure that others that I’m responsible for do the same. I believe that I have the qualifications and the skill set to be a Naval Officer, and I sincerely hope that the opportunity is afforded to me. I seek a commission in the Navy to serve my country, lead others, and to fulfill a lifelong dream of being a Naval Aviator. It would be an honor and privilege to serve my country as an Officer in the United States Navy.

 

[von3223]

Sorry, I messed up on the 1st post (I forgot to indent the paragraphs.) Please disregard the 1st post and read this one! Thanks


Abraham Lincoln once said “I do the very best I know how - the very best I can; and I mean to keep on doing so until the end”. This quote is the philosophy that I base my life on. Ever since I heard the memorable Navy stories from my grandfather who was a naval aviator in the late 50’s, the idea of becoming a Naval Officer has excited me. I would be honored to serve among and lead the greatest men and women in uniform. I know I can exemplify the values of a Naval Officer which are honor, courage, commitment, and leadership.
When a challenge presents itself, I rise to the occasion. For example, I noticed that young people in my church needed help and guidance from somebody that they could relate to. So I stepped up and became a youth leader. I feel like my unique leadership experience and my ability to delegate will be an invaluable tool for the Navy. I have dedicated myself to helping others which is why I love volunteering and serving in the community. I feel like the Navy will continue to allow me to do this, just on a much larger scale. I am also very goal oriented which explains how I’m able to maintain a 3.72 GPA in school while holding down two part-time jobs.
I have been involved in numerous extracurricular activities, teams, and clubs throughout high school and college. I was voted in as the President of my college’s table tennis club which gave me valuable leadership experience. I am always eager to try new things and I take pride in what I do. I conduct myself with honor and integrity, even when no one’s watching.
If I’m given the opportunity to become a Naval Officer, I will strive to be the best I can be and make sure that others that I’m responsible for do the same. I believe that I have the qualifications and the skill set to be a Naval Officer, and I sincerely hope that the opportunity is afforded to me. I seek a commission in the Navy to serve my country, lead others, and to fulfill a lifelong dream of being a Naval Aviator. It would be an honor and privilege to serve my country as an Officer in the United States Navy.

 

[AlexSmart]

Here is my first draft. It's 399 words.

Becoming a Naval Officer has been a personal dream and aspiration since I was a young boy and is now my immediate career goal as a young man. Although my efforts towards this goal were put on hiatus for five years while earning a degree and playing football at college, this desire never faded. I truly believe the challenges, stresses, successes, and failures I experienced in my five years as a collegiate student-athlete made me a mentally and physically tough leader that would find great success as a Naval Officer.

The Navy would find great value in the maturity, leadership, communication, and true understanding of teamwork that I have developed on the gridiron and in the classroom. A Division 1 student-athlete manages their time, commits everything to their peers, and agrees to be judged by a higher standard. Anything less and they can pack their bags. As a quarterback, I learned vital communication skills and earned the respect of teammates and coaches. In times of great stress, such as practices in severe weather or tortuous workouts with our unrelenting lifting coach, I led vocally and by example. I created cohesion in individuals from very different backgrounds. During my career, I endured various setbacks and failures but never quit. In the classroom, I broadened my worldview and gladly exchanged analyses and arguments with my professors and classmates. The sum of these experiences and traits results in a young man that is well-groomed officer candidate.

The Navy provides the unique, demanding, exciting, fulfilling, and extraordinary career experience that I now seek. As a boy, I dreamt of being a Division 1 college quarterback. I wanted to do something that few others got to do. It was a goal that was unlikely and going to be a letdown, according to others. I never wavered throughout high school, worked persistently towards this goal, and eventually reaped the fruits of my commitment.

Here I am today, in the exact same situation. I am eager to return to a setting where success requires the upmost mental toughness, dedication, preparation, and teamwork. This is the biggest way in which a career in Naval Aviation and a commission as a Naval Officer will enrich my life. It has been decades since a member of my family has served and I would be most appreciative if I was given an opportunity to do so as a Naval Officer.



Any input is greatly appreciated! Thanks -

 

[m26]

VON

Abraham Lincoln once said “I do the very best I know how - the very best I can; and I mean to keep on doing so until the end”.

m26 once said, "Any piece of writing that begins with 'X once said...' is [expletive deleted]."

Seriously, I said that. It's in here somewhere. And true.

Not that you can't open with a quote, just don't make it so clichéd.

This quote is the philosophy that I base my life on.

Does this make sense? Maybe it explains the philosophy, but I don't know if a quote in itself can be a philosophy.

Ever since I heard the memorable Navy stories from my grandfather who was a naval aviator in the late 50’s, the idea of becoming a Naval Officer has excited me.

This is not good. Consider splitting it into two sentences.

I would be honored to serve among and lead the greatest men and women in uniform. I know I can exemplify the values of a Naval Officer which are honor, courage, commitment, and leadership.

This reads like bullet points, and not particularly creative or flowing ones.

The values HCC+ are included but not exclusive???

So I stepped up and became a youth leader.

Ehh.....

I feel like my unique leadership experience and my ability to delegate will be an invaluable tool for the Navy.

Church youth leader? Do you think you're the only youth leader to apply?

Look up "invaluable."

I feel like the Navy will continue to allow me to do this, just on a much larger scale.

Rings somewhat informal.

I am also very goal oriented which explains how I’m able to maintain a 3.72 GPA in school while holding down two part-time jobs.

How?

I was voted in as the President of my college’s table tennis club which gave me valuable leadership experience.

"Voted in?"

If I’m given the opportunity to become a Naval Officer, I will strive to be the best I can be and make sure that others that I’m responsible for do the same.

Contractions...



Overall, reads too much like a paragraphised résumé.

 

[von3223]

Hey M26, Thanks for all the advice. I knew something was just "off" about my statement. I agree that is needs to just flow better. Just like you, I'm applying for BDCP. I'm thinking about going SNA/NFO/AMDO or Supply. What do you think about my third choices? What gives me the best chance at getting selected?

ASTB scores are 48 4,5,4
GPA 3.72
Good letter of rec's (2 college prof's and 1 from Asst Sec of Navy)

Any insight about any aspect of my package would be appreciated. I'm talking to OR tomorrow and I need to make a decision about jobs ASAP to make May boards. Thanks guys

 

[m26]

I don't know anything about AMDO, except that I think it's a fairly small community. I was non-select for supply with a 3.4 and 6/6/6 61, for whatever that's worth. I think supply prefers GPA, but also strongly prefers a 50+ OAR. That is just based on what I read on WarChop back when I was looking into these things, but others have been picked up with sub-50 OARs (DA, at any rate).

 

[jtmedli]

Here is my first draft. It's 399 words.

Becoming a Naval Officer has been a personal dream and aspiration since I was a young boy and is now my immediate career goal as a young man. Although my efforts towards this goal were put on hiatus for five years while earning a degree and playing football at college, this desire never faded. I truly believe the challenges, stresses, successes, and failures I experienced in my five years as a collegiate student-athlete made me a mentally and physically tough leader that would find great success as a Naval Officer.

The Navy would find great value in the maturity, leadership, communication, and true understanding of teamwork that I have developed on the gridiron and in the classroom. A Division 1 student-athlete manages their time, commits everything to their peers, and agrees to be judged by a higher standard. Anything less and they can pack their bags. As a quarterback, I learned vital communication skills and earned the respect of teammates and coaches. Practices in severe weather and torturous workouts with our lifting coach force me to learn to lead the team both on and off the field. I created cohesion in individuals from very different backgrounds, and endured various setbacks and failures but never quit. In the classroom, I broadened my worldview and gladly exchanged analyses and arguments with my professors and classmates. The sum of these experiences and traits has turned me into a well-rounded individual who could become an outstanding Naval Officer.

The Navy provides the unique, demanding, exciting, fulfilling, and extraordinary career experience that I now seek. As a boy, I dreamt of being a Division 1 college quarterback. I wanted to do something that few others got to do, even though It was a goal that was "unlikely and going to be a letdown", according to others. I never wavered throughout high school, worked persistently towards this goal, and eventually reaped the benefits of having a commitment to excellence.

Here I am today, in the exact same situation. I am eager to return to a setting where success requires the upmost mental toughness, dedication, preparation, and teamwork. I believe that Naval Aviation and, more importantly, a commission as a Naval Officer is that setting. It has been decades since a member of my family has served and it would be an honor if I was given an opportunity to do so as a Naval Officer.

Changed a few things, but very good overall:
- I would leave out the word 'immediate'.
- Reworded the middle of second paragraph so it would flow a little better.
- Leave out the 'well-groomed Officer Candidate' thing. Leave it to them to decide if you're a good candidate, but make a good case for yourself.
- Use the qoutes in the 3rd paragraph. Reworded those two sentences so they'd flow better also...
- Lose the 'enrich my life' part. The way I worded it was to make it seem more "of a challenge that I'm ready to meet".

 

[CenixOne]

Hey guys, would you please do me the honor of reviewing my first draft? Thanks.

It is those who strive for greatness that will achieve greatness. My life in the civilian world has been a safe and steady journey of average thrills and ordinary challenges. But what is life without fulfilling your dreams, and what are dreams, if not as goals. My dream, goal, and purpose is to be a Naval Officer. Becoming a Naval Officer is a prodigious accomplishment full of inordinate life experiences, something I’ve long promised myself to make a reality.

At an early age, I learned to be a motivated thinker, goal setter, and high achiever. Being extensively involved in football, karate, hockey, and BMX throughout the years helped me build strong character. Self teaching myself at age fifteen the technical skills of becoming a webmaster, I became well affiliated amongst a community of professional web engineers. At age eighteen, I no longer had any support, feeling tremendous desolation coping from a broken family. I supported myself and hustled my way through college maintaining good grades while working fulltime for a software firm. Although I had essentially lined up a career for myself early on, I kept my ultimate goal in tacked and never lost sight.

Being promoted to Web Director my sophomore year of college, I worked closely with a group of eight research and development team members to create and support new applications. These applications today are being used around the world. I took part in many training seminars delivering collaborative presentations to high scale clients and ensuring they had the tools and knowledge needed to succeed with our products. I was counted on heavily in the workplace to make sure products were up to date and deadlines were met accordingly by team members.

It was during this time I felt was right to pursue my pilots license. Inspired profoundly by my father, an aerobatics instructor, I grew up an “airport bum” spending long hours at the hangar. The most memorable times were helping him build his experimental Acro Sport One bi-plane. In just over a month I became a certified pilot and it was one of the best decisions I have ever made. I have a deep found appreciation for aviation and I would very much honor the opportunity of being a Naval Aviator but I first value the commitment to my country as a Naval Officer.

 

[m26]

CENIX,
It's going in the right direction, but overall I think you're asking the reader to see too much between the lines.

But what is life without fulfilling your dreams, and what are dreams, if not [_] goals?

Becoming a Naval Officer is a prodigious accomplishment full of inordinate life experiences, something I’ve long promised myself to make a reality.

Huh? Prodigious...ok. Inordinate is not the right word, though.
Contractions.

Being extensively involved in football, karate, hockey, and BMX throughout the years helped me build strong character.

What does that mean?

Self teaching myself

^

I became well affiliated amongst a community of professional web engineers.

What do you mean by "well affiliated?"

At age eighteen, I no longer had any support, feeling tremendous desolation coping from a broken family.

This comes out of nowhere, has no explanation, and the thought disappears as quickly as it arrived. I'd like to see you expand on this, but you might need to delete it if space is an issue. You might want to throw it out there, but I don't see it doing any good without some exposition.

I supported myself and hustled my way through college maintaining good grades while working fulltime for a software firm.

Pool or darts?

Although I had essentially lined up a career for myself early on, I kept my ultimate goal in tacked and never lost sight.

Intact?
never lost sight ... of it.

I would just say, "Although I had essentially lined up a career for myself early on, I never lost sight of my ultimate goal."

These applications [_] are being used today around the world.

I took part in many training seminars delivering collaborative presentations to high scale clients and ensuring they had the tools and knowledge needed to succeed with our products.

High scale?

I was counted on heavily in the workplace to make sure products were up to date and deadlines were met [_] by team members.

It was during this time I felt was right to pursue my pilots license.

Read this again.

I have a deep found appreciation for aviation and I would very much honor the opportunity of being a Naval Aviator but I first value the commitment to my country as a Naval Officer.

"Deep found appreciation?"
Naval Aviator,