Motivational Statement MEGA Thread

[gcdominguez]

Twobecrazy, here is my second draft, please let me know if this works a lot better.
I am seeking a commission in the United States Navy to have an opportunity to do my part to help the county that has taken me in and helped me progress through my life. I am a first generation US citizen from the Philippines. The Unites States of America has given my family and I so much freedom and opportunity that I feel obligated to give back to my country. I want to be a Naval Officer to serve and protect my country, my fellow Americans and my family. I want to help preserve life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness that the United States of America gave me and my family.

It is my goal to be a Naval Officer so that I can prove that with hard work and determination, anything is possible. Working as a data security analyst, I believe the Navy will find great value in my maturity and dependability, because being a security analyst; it is my duty to safeguard sensitive information about my clients. Also I believe that my skill to communicate with other groups in my organization and my ability to work in a team environment will add great value to the Navy, and also working in the IT (Information Technology) field, I thrive and adapt well in the changing work environment, due to unpredictability in the Security field of IT. If given a chance, I will take great pride and honor in being a part of the U.S. Navy as a commissioned Officer.

 

[twobecrazy]

It is my goal to be a Naval Officer so that I can prove that with hard work and determination, anything is possible. Working as a data security analyst, I believe the Navy will find great value in my maturity and dependability, because being a security analyst; it is my duty to safeguard sensitive information about my clients. Also I believe that my skill to communicate with other groups in my organization and my ability to work in a team environment will add great value to the Navy, and also working in the IT (Information Technology) field, I thrive and adapt well in the changing work environment, due to unpredictability in the Security field of IT. If given a chance, I will take great pride and honor in being a part of the U.S. Navy as a commissioned Officer.

As I told another individual I am not a sentence structure person so I am only trying to give you content advise. I would recommend talking to someone about sentence structure and seeing if they can help you with that if there are any problems there. I think you are starting to get there but lets analyze this sentence (above in bold) then you can take that and apply it to your statement. This sentence is long winded, in my opinion, and can state more with less. For instance you could say this:

As an analyst I managed XXX (however many accounts you managed) client's accounts ensuring their information remained classified.

Obviously you don't want to use that sentence, as that one could even use some work, but anytime you can put numbers behind something of value it is better that you do so. Also, as you can see I got rid of all the fluff you had in the sentence that is unnecessary. By making this statement you are conveying maturity, dependability, and hard work. You need to formulate your sentences so that you are directly to the point but allowing the board to interpret the meaning you want. Basically you are doing a play on words. Also, there is a word limit. You don't have to reach that limit. In fact, I would think it is better to not reach that limit as it shows the board you can make a rational statement and convey your message with short concise sentences. You should also have at least 3 paragraphs (intro, body, conclusion). Does all of this make sense? If so, sit down and work on it a bit. I don't think you will have the statement you want to give the board done in a day or two. If I don't catch your next post someone else will be here to help you if you have any more questions.

 

[gcdominguez]

Thank you for all your help twobecrazy!

 

[PacmanAdam]

Comments Please...

Early on in my childhood I had the auspices of an incredibly moral and noble man, whose pragmatic approach to life provided the foundation for an existence based on responsibility, selflessness, duty, and honor. With these core values instilled at such a young age, my character was fashioned in a precocious manner, and I had the opportunity to apply these values throughout the most crucial stages of my development. I strongly believe it is this type of character training, put in each and every day that not only prepares, but enables one to thrive when great opportunity arises- the kind of opportunity that only the United States Navy can provide.

At this point in time, if I were asked to describe the single most defining moment of my life, I would undoubtedly falter with what would seem an adequate response. This however, is not due to a lack of ambition, memorable experiences, accomplishments, or meaning, but rather a concession that there is yet much more to fulfill. It is this insatiable desire I believe, that when coupled with a firm moral foundation, separates men who reach great heights from those that remain ordinary and unremarkable. Very few men possess the fervor, self-discipline, and mental toughness to willingly embark on a path of known trials and tribulations, a path in which the United States Navy shapes its future leaders and elite servants.

As a twenty-five year old, college educated and a newly certified flight instructor, I currently find myself standing at a crossroads of opportunity. One path would allow me to exercise my privileges as a civilian flight instructor, building flight hours and experience, and then eventually transition into the airline or corporate market. The other path, and quite frankly the correct path, is serving as an officer in the United States Navy. While many may find the first an extremely lucrative and viable option, when compared to serving as an officer for the United States Navy, to me it seems rather mundane. That is why it is my hope to be afforded such an opportunity, to demonstrate the motivation, dedication, and leadership ability that is necessary to excel as naval officer and continue the programs rich tradition of excellence and servitude. While I am supremely confident that the cognitive and technical skills that I have acquired in the past will prove to be an invaluable asset in the rigorous demands faced in the various stages of flight training, I am more than willing to serve in a different role if called upon.

 

[Lucy]

Umm...don't think I have been this blunt before but how in the world do you think this would cause anyone to do anything but laugh? Beyond the haughty word choice all you have proven is that you at the very most have the potential to be an arrogent self-indudged person who is going to waste everyones time.

At the very least you have failed both main points of the essay 1) what motivates you to be in the Navy(other options are mundane doesn't really seem to be verifiable motivation) and 2) why the Navy would have any reason to want you, because at this point all you have said was that you are an awesome person and know planes. Well so does just about anyone else applying...

Have you thought about applying for PAO? Could maybe do wonders there...

In all truth, read through this forum and see what other people have said/used, maybe it would help.

 

[PacmanAdam]

Lucy,

I appreciate your honesty, directness, and wit! PAO- I'm assuming Planetary Activation Organization? It was not my intention to infer I am "great," just that I am confident and prepared for success. I'm not really an arrogant ass.

 

[twobecrazy]

Umm...don't think I have been this blunt before but how in the world do you think this would cause anyone to do anything but laugh? Beyond the haughty word choice all you have proven is that you at the very most have the potential to be an arrogent self-indudged person who is going to waste everyones time.

At the very least you have failed both main points of the essay 1) what motivates you to be in the Navy(other options are mundane doesn't really seem to be verifiable motivation) and 2) why the Navy would have any reason to want you, because at this point all you have said was that you are an awesome person and know planes. Well so does just about anyone else applying...

Have you thought about applying for PAO? Could maybe do wonders there...

In all truth, read through this forum and see what other people have said/used, maybe it would help.

I agree 100% with this statement.

Pacman,
I would get rid of that statement completely. Start over. Tone it down, lose the arrogance, don't insult anyone, and as Lucy said, "read through this forum and see what other people have said/used." That should benefit you and get you heading in a good direction.

 

[twobecrazy]

Lucy,

I appreciate your honesty, directness, and wit! PAO- I'm assuming Planetary Activation Organization? It was not my intention to infer I am "great," just that I am confident and prepared for success. I'm not really an arrogant ass.

Maybe just a smart ass?

PAO-Public Affairs Officer...

 

[GreenLantern330]

Lucy,

I appreciate your honesty, directness, and wit! PAO- I'm assuming Planetary Activation Organization? It was not my intention to infer I am "great," just that I am confident and prepared for success. I'm not really an arrogant ass.

Seriously?

 

[TheBirdy]

Hey, would just like some input on my motivational statement. Criticism more than welcome. Thanks.


“A Global Force for Good,” the United States Navy’s current motto. Being born and raised in the United States, I have benefited from all this country has to offer. Though I am an American, I am of Indian descent with my mother being Trinindadian and my father being Sri Lankan.

My passion and commitment to join the United States Navy comes from what was executed by the United States Navy during December of 2004 when the Indian Ocean and Southeast Asia was struck by a devastating tsunami. After hearing on the news that the United States Navy had mobilized and began efforts to send aid to Southeast Asia and the help that was offered to those countries, including Sri Lanka where I have family, I knew that I wanted to serve my country and become an officer in the United States Navy.
Many people forget the fact that the United States provides its citizens with infinite opportunity and benefits. There are many other countries such as Sri Lanka, where some of my family lives, that are poor and do not have these luxuries that we enjoy. After visiting Sri Lanka when I was in 8th grade and looking back, reflecting and seeing what the United States offers to me and my family, I want to give back to the United States what she has given me.

On a scaled down level, I have had extensive experience giving back to my community. Volunteering for 3 years at Cleveland Clinic, 3 years at my temple and giving back to my community for over 400 hours I learned the importance of leadership and commitment. Being the head volunteer at Cleveland Clinic after 3 years and training new volunteers, I finally gained an understanding of what it is to be responsible and lead those under me as I had been taught by those before me. I also saw the benefits that one reaps through commitment and persistence, as well as the responsibility and leadership that must be demonstrated that comes with those benefits.

I hope this experience will serve as a stepping stone, on a much more grand scale, towards my career path as a United States Naval Officer as I serve my country in the future. It is for these reasons I seek a commission as a naval officer in the United States Navy.

 

[Robby]

It is for these reasons I seek a commission as a naval officer in the United States Navy.

I'm no editor, but I think the "naval officer in the United States Navy" is redundant. Omit "naval" to make it "as an officer..."

Good luck.

 

[CUPike11]

Hey, would just like some input on my motivational statement. Criticism more than welcome. Thanks.


“A Global Force for Good,” the United States Navy’s current motto. Being born and raised in the United States, I have benefited from all this country has to offer. Though I am an American, I am of Indian descent with my mother being Trinindadian and my father being Sri Lankan.

My passion and commitment to join the United States Navy comes from what was executed by the United States Navy during December of 2004 when the Indian Ocean and Southeast Asia was struck by a devastating tsunami. After hearing on the news that the United States Navy had mobilized and began efforts to send aid to Southeast Asia and the help that was offered to those countries, including Sri Lanka where I have family, I knew that I wanted to serve my country and become an officer in the United States Navy.
Many people forget the fact that the United States provides its citizens with infinite opportunity and benefits. There are many other countries such as Sri Lanka, where some of my family lives, that are poor and do not have these luxuries that we enjoy. After visiting Sri Lanka when I was in 8th grade and looking back, reflecting and seeing what the United States offers to me and my family, I want to give back to the United States what she has given me.

On a scaled down level, I have had extensive experience giving back to my community. Volunteering for 3 years at Cleveland Clinic, 3 years at my temple and giving back to my community for over 400 hours I learned the importance of leadership and commitment. Being the head volunteer at Cleveland Clinic after 3 years and training new volunteers, I finally gained an understanding of what it is to be responsible and lead those under me as I had been taught by those before me. I also saw the benefits that one reaps through commitment and persistence, as well as the responsibility and leadership that must be demonstrated that comes with those benefits.

I hope this experience will serve as a stepping stone, on a much more grand scale, towards my career path as a United States Naval Officer as I serve my country in the future. It is for these reasons I seek a commission as a naval officer in the United States Navy.

I'm gonna try to finish but before I even get to it, you need to change out the very first sentence.

It's a fragment and opens up very awkwardly. Change it or get rid of it.

 

[Robby]

Question.

Number 15 on the application leaves a blank area for "applicant's remarks." This is used for us to provide more details about our extracurricular activities. I filled it up with about 360 words describing my previous and current involvement and what I have learned from leadership positions. I also tried to connect it with how it can benefit the Navy.

-Is that okay to do?

I figured the motivational statement:
1. explains my reason for applying,
2. provides evidence to support the fact that I know what I am getting into,
3. what I have to offer the Navy,
4. and reasons why I selected a particular program.

So I should use section 15 to discuss leadership and community involvement, right?

 

[twobecrazy]

Well I have to say I think it has decent direction. So lets see what we can do for you.

“A Global Force for Good,” the United States Navy’s current motto. Being born and raised in the United States, I have benefited from all this country has to offer. Though I am an American, I am of Indian descent with my mother being Trinindadian and my father being Sri Lankan.

The sentence I highlighted doesn't seem to fit here as the Navy knows its motto and it is awkward. Seems like you could do something else here (maybe use the first sentence in the second paragraph). Other than that I believe it is a decent opening.

My passion and commitment to join the United States Navy comes from what was executed by the United States Navy during December of 2004 when the Indian Ocean and Southeast Asia was struck by a devastating tsunami.

I think this sentence would sound better like this if you are to use it in your opening. Like this.

My passion and commitment to join the United States Navy comes from what occurred during December of 2004 when Southern Asia was struck by a devastating tsunami. Though I am an American, I am of Indian descent with my mother being Trinidadian and my father being Sri Lankan. Being born and raised in the United States, I have benefited from all this country has to offer.

What do you think?

After hearing on the news that the United States Navy had mobilized and began efforts to send aid to Southeast Asia and the help that was offered to those countries, including Sri Lanka where I have family, I knew that I wanted to serve my country and become an officer in the United States Navy.

You could take this statement, modify it, and apply it above to complete the rest of that introductory paragraph. I think you would have a solid opening paragraph then.

Many people forget the fact that the United States provides its citizens with infinite opportunity and benefits. There are many other countries such as Sri Lanka, where some of my family lives, that are poor and do not have these luxuries that we enjoy. After visiting Sri Lanka when I was in 8th grade and looking back, reflecting and seeing what the United States offers to me and my family, I want to give back to the United States what she has given me.

Even if it is true I don't think I would make this statement (first sentence in bold). Delete other from the next sentence. I think the rest just needs a little tweaking.

On a scaled down level, I have had extensive experience giving back to my community. Volunteering for 3 years at Cleveland Clinic, 3 years at my temple and giving back to my community for over 400 hours I learned the importance of leadership and commitment. Being the head volunteer at Cleveland Clinic after 3 years and training new volunteers, I finally gained an understanding of what it is to be responsible and lead those under me as I had been taught by those before me. I also saw the benefits that one reaps through commitment and persistence, as well as the responsibility and leadership that must be demonstrated that comes with those benefits.

What is this? On a scaled down level? Just get rid of it along with the had following it. Content wise the rest is good. I'm sure you can play with the words to make it sound better but keep the content in my opinion. I also like how you put numbers in there! You also hit one of the Navy's Core Values which is probably a smart move (don't know if you intended on doing that). This has good direction. I really liked it.

I hope this experience will serve as a stepping stone, on a much more grand scale, towards my career path as a United States Naval Officer as I serve my country in the future. It is for these reasons I seek a commission as a naval officer in the United States Navy.

You end weak in my opinon. I hope this experience... Where is the confidence you showed me in the last paragraph? How about something along the lines of... As an officer in the United States navy I plan to use this experience... You see where I am going with this? I wouldn't use those words but you need to finish strong... You had confidence and conviction now I want The Hammer. You gave me "why I want to be an officer" and "why I would make a good officer." But you forgot "Why should the Navy choose YOU!"

Remember Spell Check is your friend! Hope this helps. If anyone disagrees with anything I said please say so!

 

[twobecrazy]

I'm no editor, but I think the "naval officer in the United States Navy" is redundant. Omit "naval" to make it "as an officer..."

Good luck.

I agree.