Motivational Statement MEGA Thread

[twobecrazy]

kacraven,

When you are writing your motivational statement you need to be answering at least these 3 questions.

1. Why do you want to join the Navy?
2. What qualities/abilities would make you a good Naval Officer?
3. Why should the Navy choose you?

You have only answered one in this entire statement. So you need to answer the other two (see bold). Your answer to the third question is rather weak. So lets get started and see if we can help you out.

Having grown up in the Midwest with no prior-service family members, it may seem a little odd that I would want to become an Officer in the United States Navy. I have always admired the mission of the military but did not seriously consider becoming a part of it until I was in college and started thinking about what I wanted to do with my life. I realized that I wanted to do something that would challenge myself, allow me to excel as a leader, and ultimately serve a greater purpose. The military seemed like a perfect fit. After doing some research on the different branches, the Navy was the obvious choice with its wide range of missions, high level of responsibility given to junior officers, and its international scope.

This first statement doesn't work for me. There are plenty of people from the Midwest who's family members have never been in the military that are currently serving or wishing to serve. I also, don't see how that it is an odd situation. I think you need a much stronger opening statement. Your second sentence may be a better opening if you reword it. I have reworded it and added it to the rest of the paragraph. What do you think?

I have always admired the men and women that serve in the U.S. military. In college, I was drawn towards this career even further when I began wondering what I wanted to do with my life. I realized that I wanted to do something that would challenge myself, allow me to excel as a leader, and ultimately serve a greater purpose. The military seems like a perfect fit. After doing some research on the different branches, the Navy was the obvious choice with its wide range of missions.

I truly believe the United States Navy is an organization with a job worth doing. The Navy’s mission of service, whether through humanitarian relief, keeping peace along tense borders, fighting the War on Terror, or keeping the world’s waterways safe for commerce are all missions that I would be proud to say I had been a part of. If I am selected to be a Naval Flight Officer I would bring to the table my experience as a Private Pilot and fulfill a long standing dream of becoming part of the Naval Aviation team. As a Supply Corps Officer I would use my academic and practical business experience to keep the fleet well supplied. Being a good Officer means being a good leader, something I have developed through serving on the executive board of the Iowa State University Investment Group. I feel the Navy would be the best place for me to accomplish my personal and professional goals as well as give back to this great country that has given me so many opportunities. I would be honored to be a part of this great tradition of service as an Officer in the United States Navy.

It seems as though you have a thought then jump right into a conclusion paragraph. I would recommend using at minimum 3 paragraphs (Intro, body, conclusion). You have an intro (still needs work). You need the "meat" or body paragraph. This paragraph should be worded towards answering the second question above. The sentence highlighted in bold above should be in your second paragraph. You should go into what leadership abilities you obtained while performing that job! You have given me no indication that you have any of these abilities. If you look around here at other motivational statements in this thread you can see what I'm talking about.

Your final paragraph should be answering the third question above. Now this last paragraph is trying to answer the third but it is very weak. You shouldn't be relying on your PPL to prove you would be a good NFO. Those two jobs have little in common. The Supply Corp statement is not worded well in my opinion. Maybe you should just get rid of them both and say something like, "I am seeking a commission in the United States Navy as a Naval Flight Officer or a Supply Corp Officer." It is to the point.

That last paragraph is all over the place. You need to work on this statement more before I can provide more information. After you fix those problems post here again and we will have another look at it.

 

[kacraven]

Thanks for the input!
I originally took out the middle paragraph - apparently not a good idea! Round 2 ...

As far back as I can remember I have had nothing but the deepest respect for those who have served our country. I first seriously considered serving in the military when, during college, I started thinking about what I wanted to do with my life. I realized I wanted something that would challenge myself, allow me to excel as a leader, and ultimately serve a greater purpose. The military seemed like a perfect fit. After doing some research on the different branches, the Navy was the obvious choice with its wide range of missions.



I believe great results come through hard work and sacrifice. This is something I have lived by through my academic career. As a junior and senior in High School I attended a local community college full-time. By taking as many credits as possible I was able to graduate from both institutions with an Associate of Arts and a high school diploma simultaneously. I continued to challenge myself in college by double majoring in Finance and International Business with an engineering minor. I also took a semester to study abroad in Italy. This experience taught me a great deal about self-reliance and being calm under pressure.



Being a good Officer means being a good leader, something I have striven to be. I served on the executive board of the Iowa State University Investment Group as a co-chair of fundraising. I was responsible for conducting meetings and meeting with corporate executives to raise funds for our organization. I also kept our group cohesive during its early formation and implemented structure to ensure it will be around for years to come. Internship experiences have also taught me about being a leader. As an intern with Altec Industries, I led a project to model lifecycle costs. I brought together many different people, perspectives and personalities to make the project a success. I feel these life experiences will help me to become an excellent officer in the Navy.



I truly believe the United States Navy is an organization with a job worth doing. The Navy’s mission of service, whether through humanitarian relief, keeping peace along tense borders, fighting the War on Terror, or keeping the world’s waterways safe for commerce are all missions that I would be proud to say I had been a part of. I am seeking a commission as a Naval Flight Officer or a Supply Corps Officer. I feel my life experiences and track record of hard work make me an excellent candidate. (too cocky?) I would be honored to be a part of this great tradition of service as an Officer in the United States Navy.

 

[xxxCharliexxx]

=

Seriously though I have know a couple of frat presidents or team captains that should have never been in those positions. They were put there based on popularity not their leadership capabilities. I just want you to expand on it. As a captain did you lead the team to state championships or was the team 0-16?... Obviously I wouldn't mention that my team went 0-16 if I was a captain but hopefully you see the point I'm trying to make. You stated, "I oversaw all group activities to ensure they met the moral, ethical, and safety standards of the fraternity." Great! How many people in the frat was in trouble during your tenure at this position? I think your statement would be stronger by adding the answer to those questions. Once again, it would hurt the statement if your team was horrible or everyone in the frat was getting in trouble, so you don't want to add that information. But if you have some good stuff happening then I think it truly shows your leadership abilities. Agree or disagree DS?

This is not his memoirs - this is a brief statement (about being accepted into the navy, not about how many times his team won that season that year back in college). He already elaborates on HOW he displayed the leadership qualities. You want him to now go into deep conversation about what winning streak the team had, how many people were in the frat, and out of those, how many got into trouble? Please. TMI. I would grill him about it taking away from his overall meaning of the essay - which is NOT about his college days.

It's stated well the way he has it.

To answer your question, I disagree.

 

[twobecrazy]

This is not his memoirs - this is a brief statement (about being accepted into the navy, not about how many times his team won that season that year back in college). He already elaborates on HOW he displayed the leadership qualities. You want him to now go into deep conversation about what winning streak the team had, how many people were in the frat, and out of those, how many got into trouble? Please. TMI. I would grill him about it taking away from his overall meaning of the essay - which is NOT about his college days.

It's stated well the way he has it.

To answer your question, I disagree.

No, I never wanted him to go into deep conversation about anything. I'm simply implying that if he has a significant accomplishment, such as a State Championship or National Championship, it would be wise to include it. Also, I said to not mention anything negative and it would be better left untouched. I don't want him to go into details either. A couple of words simply stating how he led as a captain would be nice. He did it for the frat thing why couldn't he do it for the captain leadership? Plus, a championship of that caliber (state or national) would be worth mentioning in my opinion. I guess you don't think so and that is fine. As with several things we will agree to disagree...

I still love your statements either way!

 

[xxxCharliexxx]

I didn't read your first draft since you posted this one. So, let's take a look. (Sorry for the delay)

*Disclaimer* I will be editing your essay for grammatical errors, sentence structure, and content. Unfortunately, writing this disclaimer took up all the time I would have had to sugar-coat the comments. My bad.

As far back as I can remember I have had nothing but the deepest respect for those who have served our country. I first seriously considered serving in the military when, during college, I started thinking about what I wanted to do with my life. I realized I wanted something that would challenge myself, allow me to excel as a leader, and ultimately serve a greater purpose. The military seemed like a perfect fit. After doing some research on the different branches, the Navy was the obvious choice with its wide range of missions.

Ok, after reading your first paragraph....I'm going to try to say this nicely. You have good intentions and your writing isn't atrocious. That being said, you make a mistake that many people do when starting an essay. You try to say something nice and patriotic while reminiscing about your childhood. This is pretty standard and it's ok...I don't want you to think it's a bad start. It's good but it needs serious work. The way it's currently written is choppy and written immaturely (as a writing style, not a personality trait).

After reading on to your next paragraph, I have determined that your first paragraph could be deleted entirely and you should start off with your first sentence in your second paragraph. You first paragraph is a lot of fluff. I don't read anything in there that every other sailor hasn't thought or been through (I know I have). But this first sentence in the next paragraph - It's bold, it strong, and it makes me want to read more (and it's mature writing). Let's work your first few thoughts in your first paragraph in somehow but let's start with that first sentence on the second paragraph.

I believe great results come through hard work and sacrifice. This is something I have lived by through my academic career. As a junior and senior in High School I attended a local community college full-time. By taking as many credits as possible I was able to graduate from both institutions with an Associate of Arts and a high school diploma simultaneously. I continued to challenge myself in college by double majoring in Finance and International Business with an engineering minor. I also took a semester to study abroad in Italy. This experience taught me a great deal about self-reliance and being calm under pressure.

As you know, I like the first sentence. So, let's try to merge the two paragraphs nicely using that sentence as a foundation.

How about:
I believe great results come through hard work and sacrifice. This was instilled in me at an early age along with my deep respect for the men and women who serve our great country. Many Naval traditions are grounded in this very philosophy.

Instead of "This is something I have lived by through my academic career."
Why just your academic life? You don't work hard for great sacrifices unless you are at school?
Try: "This doctrine is something I have embedded into my entire life."

"As a junior and senior in High School I attended a local community college full-time. By taking as many credits as possible I was able to graduate from both institutions with an Associate of Arts and a high school diploma simultaneously."
High school is not capitalized unless it's the name of the high school. There should be a comma after the preposition. And it's choppy - you can combine these statements.
Try: "During high school, I challenged myself to attend community college full time and thus was able to graduate with a high school diploma and an Associate of Arts degree simultaneously."

"I also took a semester to study abroad in Italy. This experience taught me a great deal about self-reliance and being calm under pressure. "
Again, first sentence is too choppy. Try "Additionally, by taking a semester to study abroad in Italy, I learned invaluable skills such as self-reliance as well as the ability to manage extreme pressures and situations."

So now your starting paragraph reads:
I believe great results come through hard work and sacrifice. This belief was instilled in me at an early age along with my deep respect for the men and women who serve our great country. Many Naval traditions are grounded in this very philosophy and it is this doctrine which I have embedded into my entire life. During high school, I challenged myself to attend community college full time; thus graduating with a high school diploma and an Associate of Arts degree simultaneously. Additionally, by taking a semester to study abroad in Italy, I learned invaluable skills such as self-reliance as well as the ability to manage extreme pressures and situations.

Which leads nicely into your next statement since you end by challenging yourself and taking initiative - seems natural to talk about leadership next. And - It's not a direct transition but sometimes those suck (it's so predictable).

Being a good Officer means being a good leader, something I have striven to be. I served on the executive board of the Iowa State University Investment Group as a co-chair of fundraising. I was responsible for conducting meetings and meeting with corporate executives to raise funds for our organization. I also kept our group cohesive during its early formation and implemented structure to ensure it will be around for years to come. Internship experiences have also taught me about being a leader. As an intern with Altec Industries, I led a project to model lifecycle costs. I brought together many different people, perspectives and personalities to make the project a success. I feel these life experiences will help me to become an excellent officer in the Navy.

Officer is not capitalized. And that should be a semicolon, not a comma in the first sentence.

Delete the sentence "Internship experiences have also taught me about being a leader" - you don't need it and it flows better without it since you are already talking about the things you have done during college to expand leadership abilities.

Strange, I love everything else about that paragraph. I must be getting ill. I'm not nearly tearing this up as much as I thought I would have to after that first paragraph debacle.

I truly believe the United States Navy is an organization with a job worth doing. The Navy's mission of service, whether through humanitarian relief, keeping peace along tense borders, fighting the War on Terror, or keeping the world's waterways safe for commerce are all missions that I would be proud to say I had been a part of. I am seeking a commission as a Naval Flight Officer or a Supply Corps Officer. I feel my life experiences and track record of hard work make me an excellent candidate. (too cocky?) I would be honored to be a part of this great tradition of service as an Officer in the United States Navy.

"The Navy's mission of service, whether through humanitarian relief, keeping peace along tense borders, fighting the War on Terror, or keeping the world's waterways safe for commerce are all missions that I would be proud to say I had been a part of."

Try it "The Navy's mission of service, whether through humanitarian relief, keeping peace along tense borders, fighting the War on Terror, or keeping the world's waterways safe for commerce are all missions with which I would be proud to say I had been a part."

Ok, I'm not sure I would say "NFO or Supply" part... I know you can choose a few but neither one really wants to read that you could go either way. It's nearly best to leave it out and have them both think you are writing to them independently. I mean, if I were the NFO board, and i knew your app said NFO or supply, but I was reading this statement, I would forget that you applied to supply too until I read that part. It's like you are reminding them that you could take either/or.

That statement isn't too cocky either. I actually like the rest of your paragraph.

Good job. Not too shabby!
Charlie

However, I keep waiting for the day I get this as a last paragraph (I would tell him to delete everything but the very last sentence):

I truly believe the United States Navy is an organization with a job worth doing. The Army has too rigorous of a workout schedule which conflicts with my pool time and the Air Force is far too preppy for my grunge look. The Marines are a fine group as a part of the U.S. Navy, but frankly, they scare me. My track record of drinking like a sailor, and cussing like one, make me an excellent candidate. I would be honored to be a Naval Officer. I like boats.

 

[twobecrazy]

I truly believe the United States Navy is an organization with a job worth doing. The Army has too rigorous of a workout schedule which conflicts with my pool time and the Air Force is far too preppy for my grunge look. The Marines are a fine group as a part of the U.S. Navy, but frankly, they scare me. The Navy's Mission is a solid mission of humanitarian relief, keeping peace along tense borders, fighting the War on Terror, and keeping the world's waterways safe for commerce. My track record of drinking like a sailor, and cussing like one, make me an excellent candidate. I would be honored to be a Naval Officer. I like boats.[/COLOR]

:icon_lol: ...I'm sure it is around here somewhere!

 

[scarfus]

Big thanks to twobecrazy and Charlie for all the help. I submitted my statement today, and it would never have turned out as well as it did without their help. I owe you both a beer!

 

[xxxCharliexxx]

Big thanks to twobecrazy and Charlie for all the help. I submitted my statement today, and it would never have turned out as well as it did without their help. I owe you both a beer!

Good for you! Congratulations! I'm glad you got it turned in. And I'm SUPER glad you were able to turn it in without the infamous "modus operandi"!!! WHEW, dodged that one!

And I'll gladly take that beer when we meet sometime after your Commissioning - the Navy is much smaller than you think it is.

 

[kacraven]

Again, thanks for all the feedback! Definitely flows better now!

Quick question: When is officer capitalized? The sample moto statements my recruiter gave me have most of the officers capitalized?

Ok round 3 ... Fire away
(BTW: I decided to keep the 1st paragraph, in a much revamped form, bc otherwise there's no real 'why are you joining' statement at the beginning)

My reasons for applying for a commission in the United States Navy are many, but all boil down to one thing: being a part of something greater than myself. As I approach college graduation, I want a career that will be challenging, put me in a position of responsibility, and ultimately serve a greater purpose. I can think of no better opportunity to fulfill these desires than as a naval officer.


I believe great results come through hard work and sacrifice. This principle is something I incorporate into all aspects of my life. During high school, I challenged myself academically by attending a community college full time and was able to graduate with a high school diploma and an Associate of Arts degree simultaneously. I continued to challenge myself in college by double majoring in Finance and International Business with an engineering minor. Additionally, I took a semester to study in Italy where I learned invaluable skills such as self-reliance and the ability to handle high stress situations.



Being a good officer means being a good leader, something I have striven to be. I served on the executive board of the Iowa State University Investment Group as a co-chair of fundraising. I was responsible for conducting meetings and meeting with corporate executives to raise funds for our organization. I also kept our group cohesive during its early formation and implemented structure to ensure it will be around for years to come. As an intern with Altec Industries, I led a project to model lifecycle costs. I brought together many different people, perspectives, and personalities to make the project a success. I feel these life experiences will help me to become an excellent officer in the Navy.



I truly believe the United States Navy is an organization with a job worth doing. The Navy’s mission of service, whether through humanitarian relief, keeping peace along tense borders, fighting the War on Terror, or keeping the world’s waterways safe for commerce are all missions with which I would be proud to say I had been a part. I feel my life experiences and track record of hard work make me an excellent candidate. I would be honored to be a part of this great tradition of service as an Officer in the United States Navy.

 

[Goofskater]

I know that this is rough right now and it is no where near where I want it to be for submission. Just need some out side imput to help with the flow. Went over it a few times and it has just about everything i wanted to get into it but jumps around to much. Please give your advice on editing this:

Attaining a commission as an officer within the Naval Aviation community is not simply a choosing a line of work but pursuing a great passion of mine while committing to something bigger than myself. I firmly believe that given the challenges of the environment of the Navy and my passion and drive for Naval Aviation I will be one of the best in the world in whatever pipeline I am needed in. I have already begun impacting the aviation community with a test I preformed, while working at Garmin AT as a Hardware Design intern, on a collision avoidance system (ADS-B) with a single antenna. With the data published from this test and theoretical calculation modeling from a university the FAA will only require one antenna as ADS-B becomes a requirement.
As early as I can remember the US Navy has been a great influence on my life. I grew up with men like Admiral Nimitz as heroes and boats like the USS Intrepid and USS Enterprise as places were men became legends. I heard stories from an early age about flying in WWII and Korea from my grandfather, who was an Ace Naval Aviator. Through these influences Naval Aviation has been one of my great passions. This has driven me to pursuing a private pilot’s license as soon as I gained the means, because I know that aviation will be a large part of my life.
While attending Oregon State University I applied myself with full force to scholastic achievement and personal diverse growth. I graduated with a BS in Electrical and Computer Engineering with minors in Computer Science and Japanese with a one year study abroad in Tokyo, Japan. I worked hard in my major but still kept myself diverse with being involved in Omega Delta Phi Fraternity, holding Internal Vice President and fundraising chair for one year each. I also played on the university Club Ultimate Frisbee team and volunteered as a conversation partner for Japanese Student association. I was able to be involved in all of these groups and still was able to achieve graduating Cum Laude with a 3.62 GPA.
After graduation I started work for the Department of the Navy as an Electronics Engineer at Pearl Harbor Naval Shipyard and IMF. I realized through my interactions with the sailors that my true calling is to be an officer in the US Navy. I feel that my experience working with sailors and the Navy as a whole has given me a profound desire to be on the front lines serving my country and fellow sailors to the best of my ability. I believe that with the mix of intelligence and physical capability with the ferocious determined and competitive drive I would become an indispensible asset to the US Navy. I am looking forward to serving the United States of America and my fellow sailors with all of my ability.

 

[xxxCharliexxx]

My reasons for applying for a commission in the United States Navy are many, but all boil down to one thing: being a part of something greater than myself. As I approach college graduation, I want a career that will be challenging, put me in a position of responsibility, and ultimately serve a greater purpose. I can think of no better opportunity to fulfill these desires than as a naval officer.

This still doesn't answer the question about why you are joining the Navy the way you are hoping it will. Everyone wants a challenging career, some responsibility, and to be a part of something big. No one thinks their perfect career is defined as boring, micro-managed, and small. Other careers also give you challenge, responsibility and are "bigger than you". It may be true, it may be how you feel, but just saying ...everyone feels that way and it's not unique - nor does it answer the question of why the Navy in particular. I'd still delete it - it adds nothing in my opinion and it is pretty standard essay material. If you keep it, you just might want to keep the thoughts in mind and add something more personal to it to make it sound more unique.

I believe great results come through hard work and sacrifice. This principle is something I incorporate into all aspects of my life. During high school, I challenged myself academically by attending a community college full time and was able to graduate with a high school diploma and an Associate of Arts degree simultaneously. I continued to challenge myself in college by double majoring in Finance and International Business with an engineering minor. Additionally, I took a semester to study in Italy where I learned invaluable skills such as self-reliance and the ability to handle high stress situations.

Good.

Being a good officer means being a good leader, something I have striven to be. I served on the executive board of the Iowa State University Investment Group as a co-chair of fundraising. I was responsible for conducting meetings and meeting with corporate executives to raise funds for our organization. I also kept our group cohesive during its early formation and implemented structure to ensure it will be around for years to come. As an intern with Altec Industries, I led a project to model lifecycle costs. I brought together many different people, perspectives, and personalities to make the project a success. I feel these life experiences will help me to become an excellent officer in the Navy.

Good officer? Good leader? I hope you aspire to be more than "good". Might want to re-word accordingly.
"...to model lifecycle costs." - I don't know what you are referring to or what this is/means - neither will the board.
Ah, you end with an "excellent officer" - that's what I'm looking for. Aspirations of greatness...not aspirations to be mediocre. Great end of paragraph, just reword so the beginning is its equal.

I truly believe the United States Navy is an organization with a job worth doing. The Navy's mission of service, whether through humanitarian relief, keeping peace along tense borders, fighting the War on Terror, or keeping the world's waterways safe for commerce are all missions with which I would be proud to say I had been a part. I feel my life experiences and track record of hard work make me an excellent candidate. I would be honored to be a part of this great tradition of service as an Officer in the United States Navy.

I love this end paragraph. You are nearly there. Just a few tweeks - good job.

-Charlie

 

[xxxCharliexxx]

Attaining a commission as an officer within the Naval Aviation community is not simply a choosing a line of work but pursuing a great passion of mine while committing to something bigger than myself. I firmly believe that given the challenges of the environment of the Navy and my passion and drive for Naval Aviation I will be one of the best in the world in whatever pipeline I am needed in. I have already begun impacting the aviation community with a test I preformed, while working at Garmin AT as a Hardware Design intern, on a collision avoidance system (ADS-B) with a single antenna. With the data published from this test and theoretical calculation modeling from a university the FAA will only require one antenna as ADS-B becomes a requirement.

First sentence is a run-on sentence. And "a choosing a line of work"? huh? "Attaining a commission within the Naval Aviation community is more than simply a path. For me, the decision comes from an intense passion and an unyielding commitment to something greater than myself." For the record, I'm sort of against these canned "something greater than myself" statements - but honestly, it's because I read them in every single motivational statement - so I'm biased. I just want to read something different for a change. You add a bit of personality to it so I think it's ok - just tweek the sentence structure. No one sounds intelligent with long sentences - they come across as 1) trying too hard to impress, 2) doesn't have the ability to be concise, and 3) can't control themselves in a simple task such as "thought to paper". It's ok to have short sentences that make perfect sense and flow properly. Don't be afraid of them.

Again, second sentence - a run-on. Delete "of the environment" and shorten it - break it into two sentences - better yet, just delete the "whatever pipeline I'm in". You have good thoughts - let's get the structure right.

Hmmm "I have already begun impacting the aviation community with a test I preformed, while working at Garmin AT as a Hardware Design intern, on a collision avoidance system (ADS-B) with a single antenna." Try: "I have already impacted the aviation community while working at Garmin AT as a Hardware Design intern where I performed tests on a collision avoidance system (ADS-B) with a single antenna." If you want long sentences without the run-on, you can have them if you structure it properly.

"With the data published from this test and theoretical calculation modeling from a university the FAA will only require one antenna as ADS-B becomes a requirement."

Try: "The data published from this test along with theoretical calculation modeling from [state the university name], the FAA will now only require one antenna as ADS-B becomes a requirement."

As early as I can remember the US Navy has been a great influence on my life. I grew up with men like Admiral Nimitz as heroes and boats like the USS Intrepid and USS Enterprise as places were men became legends. I heard stories from an early age about flying in WWII and Korea from my grandfather, who was an Ace Naval Aviator. Through these influences Naval Aviation has been one of my great passions. This has driven me to pursuing a private pilot’s license as soon as I gained the means, because I know that aviation will be a large part of my life.

Now I can see your "flow" problem. You are going the wrong way in time. It's always a better flow if you actually write in chronologic order. It keeps the reader from feeling like they are jumping in time through your life story. I hate shows like that too...where they flash back, then forward in time to the future, then back again and you can't follow along unless you watch it a couple of times. You know the feeling probably. So, avoid it - you start talking in this paragraph about "as early as you can remember" so put this after your introduction paragraph and work from your past to your present. That way, the board can see the boy you were and the man you became - to the officer you will become. Get it?

So, I'll stop here - let you re-work that in chronologic order. You have good thoughts - and a good paper - the content is definitely there. I'll re-edit after your adjustments.

-Charlie

 

[xxxCharliexxx]

Quick question: When is officer capitalized? The sample moto statements my recruiter gave me have most of the officers capitalized?

Totally skipped your question here...

"Officer" is capitalized when it's 1) at the beginning of a sentence as it is here or 2) when it's included as part of a name/title such as "Officer Smith". There's nothing seriously wrong with capitalizing it if you want (read as: the board won't get their panties in a bunch over it) but usually, grammatically, it's incorrect to do so formally.

For the record, I tried to capitalize it too in my paper and the literature department who reviewed my paper for errors (who apparently did get their panties in a wad over it) went nuts on me. I asked my recruiter and her response was "typically, it shouldn't be capitalized (and recruits try to capitalize the word "commission" all of the time too) but whatever blows your skirt up"...ok, I paraphrased....

Use your best judgment on it. I ended up correcting mine grammatically and using lowercase for the word to play it safe.

-Charlie

 

[fallujahveteran]

If anyone is interested in giving my statement a look over I'd appreciate it. This is just rough draft number one; I know there is no conclussion - kinda stumped there right now and am not even sure if my statement is headed in the right direction or not. Any advice will be welcomed 100%!

So here it is:

An Officer in the U.S. Navy lives by the code of Honor, Courage, Commitment and a leader for all those around. As a Naval Officer I know I will be able to live by these ideas and lead those entrusted to my care. For the past ten years since graduating High School I have lived a life of service to others through my enlistment in the U.S. Marine Corps, to my career in Law Enforcement, to my desire to serve my country again as a Naval Officer.

In 2001 immediately following high school graduation I found myself on a plane to Parris Island, S.C. to begin my journey of earning the title Marine. After my successful completion of boot camp, I attended training at the School of Infantry - Infantry training battalion at Camp Geiger North Carolina where I earned the military occupational skill of Infantry Rifleman - 0311. Upon my arrival to the fleet, I served the rest of my enlistment entirely in a front line Infantry battalion. During my enlistment I filled the billets of rifleman, squad automatic rifleman, grenadier, team leader and squad leader. While in the fleet I completed two unit deployments to Okinawa, including assignment to the 31st MEU, and a four month tour in Iraq as a casualty replacement to the units fighting in Fallujah during my last six months of enlistment.

After leaving active duty in 2005, I chose to spend my initial first few months in the IRR as a drilling reservist with the local reserve unit working in an active duty capacity as an assistant to the unit’s armory custodian. During this time I met the woman who would later become my wife and began working towards starting a family. Seeing the need for her to continue with and complete her nursing degree, I applied for and accepted a job as a police officer for the third largest city in the county. While working hard to succeed in the police academy, I returned to my IRR status and focused on my training. During the 21 weeks of the police academy I was respected enough by my fellow cadets to be elected to the leadership role of one of the classes four squad leaders responsible for a quarter of the cadets in the class during the day to day operations.
With my successful completion of the police academy I began work as a patrol officer assigned to one of the seven districts in the city. While at work I am responsible for the safe, efficient, and effective use of my assigned patrol vehicle and all the equipment inside while I conduct traffic enforcement, investigations, interaction with the members of the community and responding to both emergency and non-emergency calls for service. In addition to working my normal 40 hour work weeks I often volunteered to work extra "off-duty" jobs to earn the extra money needed so my wife could not work and instead focus on her goal of obtaining her Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing. While doing all of this I volunteered to keep track of my departments fleet of vehicles and was responsible for ensuring broken vehicles and those due for regular maintenance were transported from the department to the shop for the needed repairs for over six months until the department hired an employee for this position. I then volunteered for over a year to take on the responsibility of ensuring all 15 portable breath test machines (used in DWI investigations) owned by my department were properly calibrated to detect alcohol and were in good proper working order. With the hiring of new officers, I recognized the need for the younger officers to be given greater responsibilities within the department. At the request of one officer, I was able to teach him how to take over the responsibility of maintaining the portable breath tests to the point of him taking over entirely and conducting the job without my supervision.
Seeking to constantly better myself, I enrolled in an accelerated college program at the age of 25 and began my mission to obtain a bachelors degree prior to my 28th birthday. With the responsibilities of a full time job and earning my college education, my wife and I welcomed our first child adding the title of "full time dad" to my growing list of endeavors. Never satisfied with where I'm at I looked for greater ways to challenge myself professionally and to seek more responsibility. While continuing to work full time and attend school at an accelerated schedule, I applied for the positions of Field Training Officer and Defensive Tactics Instructor within my department. Although I was not selected for either position I did not give up and looked into the position of Hostage Negotiator. After a successful application and interview process, I was "hired" by my department's SWAT team and accepted the position of Hostage/Crisis Negotiator in addition to my normal duties of Patrol Officer.

 

[here's_JONNY]

it's unfortunate for me that the majority of the personal statements being analyzed in this thread are from civilians applying to OCS; after having enlisted a year or so after college and know that I’ve been in the navy almost three years I’m FINALLY focusing energy on re-appying.

Any good links to Supply Corps specific sites?