Motivational Statement MEGA Thread

[TheBirdy]

it's unfortunate for me that the majority of the personal statements being analyzed in this thread are from civilians applying to OCS; after having enlisted a year or so after college and know that I’ve been in the navy almost three years I’m FINALLY focusing energy on re-appying.

Any good links to Supply Corps specific sites?

1. Welcome to AW
2. Search
3. Not the proper thread to ask that question
4. Scroll down on the Forums section and there is an entire thread devoted to SuppOs (wasn't that hard to find..I promise)
5. Search

 

[twobecrazy]

it's unfortunate for me that the majority of the personal statements being analyzed in this thread are from civilians applying to OCS; after having enlisted a year or so after college and know that I’ve been in the navy almost three years I’m FINALLY focusing energy on re-appying.

Any good links to Supply Corps specific sites?

Just because there are more civilians applying to OCS then priors (which is pretty understandable) doesn't mean there are not priors here that have written statements. If you want your statement critiqued then put it here or submit via a PM and someone will look at it... Good luck!

 

[joe dirt]

it's unfortunate for me that the majority of the personal statements being analyzed in this thread are from civilians applying to OCS; after having enlisted a year or so after college and know that I’ve been in the navy almost three years I’m FINALLY focusing energy on re-appying.

Any good links to Supply Corps specific sites?

The post right before yours is from a prior enlisted Devil Dog. A little imagination is all that's needed to integrate your military experience into a good personal statement. Simply look at suggestions made for civilian applicants and apply them to your military experiences.
know=now?

 

[Bobola2005]

If anyone is interested in giving my statement a look over I'd appreciate it. This is just rough draft number one; I know there is no conclussion - kinda stumped there right now and am not even sure if my statement is headed in the right direction or not. Any advice will be welcomed 100%!

So here it is:...

I would say that your statement is headed the right direction. In my opinion you have clearly explained significant achievements in your life and I think what you need to do now is elaborate on how all those experiences will make you a more effective officer in the USN. Writing has never been my strong suit so take this with a grain of salt.

 

[fallujahveteran]

I would say that your statement is headed the right direction. In my opinion you have clearly explained significant achievements in your life and I think what you need to do now is elaborate on how all those experiences will make you a more effective officer in the USN. Writing has never been my strong suit so take this with a grain of salt.

Thanks for the look over! Very apreciated

 

[twobecrazy]

If anyone is interested in giving my statement a look over I'd appreciate it. This is just rough draft number one; I know there is no conclussion - kinda stumped there right now and am not even sure if my statement is headed in the right direction or not. Any advice will be welcomed 100%!

So here it is:

An Officer in the U.S. Navy lives by the code of Honor, Courage, Commitment and a leader for all those around. As a Naval Officer I know I will be able to live by these ideas and lead those entrusted to my care. For the past ten years since graduating High School I have lived a life of service to others through my enlistment in the U.S. Marine Corps, to my career in Law Enforcement, to my desire to serve my country again as a Naval Officer.

In 2001 immediately following high school graduation I found myself on a plane to Parris Island, S.C. to begin my journey of earning the title Marine. After my successful completion of boot camp, I attended training at the School of Infantry - Infantry training battalion at Camp Geiger North Carolina where I earned the military occupational skill of Infantry Rifleman - 0311. Upon my arrival to the fleet, I served the rest of my enlistment entirely in a front line Infantry battalion. During my enlistment I filled the billets of rifleman, squad automatic rifleman, grenadier, team leader and squad leader. While in the fleet I completed two unit deployments to Okinawa, including assignment to the 31st MEU, and a four month tour in Iraq as a casualty replacement to the units fighting in Fallujah during my last six months of enlistment.

After leaving active duty in 2005, I chose to spend my initial first few months in the IRR as a drilling reservist with the local reserve unit working in an active duty capacity as an assistant to the unit’s armory custodian. During this time I met the woman who would later become my wife and began working towards starting a family. Seeing the need for her to continue with and complete her nursing degree, I applied for and accepted a job as a police officer for the third largest city in the county. While working hard to succeed in the police academy, I returned to my IRR status and focused on my training. During the 21 weeks of the police academy I was respected enough by my fellow cadets to be elected to the leadership role of one of the classes four squad leaders responsible for a quarter of the cadets in the class during the day to day operations.
With my successful completion of the police academy I began work as a patrol officer assigned to one of the seven districts in the city. While at work I am responsible for the safe, efficient, and effective use of my assigned patrol vehicle and all the equipment inside while I conduct traffic enforcement, investigations, interaction with the members of the community and responding to both emergency and non-emergency calls for service. In addition to working my normal 40 hour work weeks I often volunteered to work extra "off-duty" jobs to earn the extra money needed so my wife could not work and instead focus on her goal of obtaining her Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing. While doing all of this I volunteered to keep track of my departments fleet of vehicles and was responsible for ensuring broken vehicles and those due for regular maintenance were transported from the department to the shop for the needed repairs for over six months until the department hired an employee for this position. I then volunteered for over a year to take on the responsibility of ensuring all 15 portable breath test machines (used in DWI investigations) owned by my department were properly calibrated to detect alcohol and were in good proper working order. With the hiring of new officers, I recognized the need for the younger officers to be given greater responsibilities within the department. At the request of one officer, I was able to teach him how to take over the responsibility of maintaining the portable breath tests to the point of him taking over entirely and conducting the job without my supervision.
Seeking to constantly better myself, I enrolled in an accelerated college program at the age of 25 and began my mission to obtain a bachelors degree prior to my 28th birthday. With the responsibilities of a full time job and earning my college education, my wife and I welcomed our first child adding the title of "full time dad" to my growing list of endeavors. Never satisfied with where I'm at I looked for greater ways to challenge myself professionally and to seek more responsibility. While continuing to work full time and attend school at an accelerated schedule, I applied for the positions of Field Training Officer and Defensive Tactics Instructor within my department. Although I was not selected for either position I did not give up and looked into the position of Hostage Negotiator. After a successful application and interview process, I was "hired" by my department's SWAT team and accepted the position of Hostage/Crisis Negotiator in addition to my normal duties of Patrol Officer.

Sorry for the late reply on this I've been pretty busy with work lately and reviewing one of these takes time...

I like your opening. I think it works well that being said I feel the rest of your statement is just background information. Go back a page or two in this thread and you will find the questions you need to be asking yourself while you are writing this statement. Why would you be a good officer? Because.... THIS, THAT, or WHATEVER... Yes you want to show you can write effectively, creatively, etc but you need to make sure you that you are proving why you would be a good officer, why the Navy should select you to be an officer, etc. As a prior, what leadership positions did you have? You mentioned training people as a cop which is great but didn't mention any leadership responsibilities you had while in the military. You gave me a bunch of information I consider pointless in a motivational statement, such as your military training, but if I was a board member I would look at that and say. Great. Were you honor grad? Were you the class leader? I think that information is more important than you being deployed in Japan or where you attended infantry training. You have done a bunch of great things, however, giving me your life story is not a motivational statement in my opinion. Find those questions in this thread then answer them clearly while writing effectively.

So to summarize you started off strong then went weak in my opinion. Good Luck and submit your changed statement when you work on it some more. We will be happy to look it over again!

 

[fallujahveteran]

Sorry for the late reply on this I've been pretty busy with work lately and reviewing one of these takes time...

I like your opening. I think it works well that being said I feel the rest of your statement is just background information. Go back a page or two in this thread and you will find the questions you need to be asking yourself while you are writing this statement. Why would you be a good officer? Because.... THIS, THAT, or WHATEVER... Yes you want to show you can write effectively, creatively, etc but you need to make sure you that you are proving why you would be a good officer, why the Navy should select you to be an officer, etc. As a prior, what leadership positions did you have? You mentioned training people as a cop which is great but didn't mention any leadership responsibilities you had while in the military. You gave me a bunch of information I consider pointless in a motivational statement, such as your military training, but if I was a board member I would look at that and say. Great. Were you honor grad? Were you the class leader? I think that information is more important than you being deployed in Japan or where you attended infantry training. You have done a bunch of great things, however, giving me your life story is not a motivational statement in my opinion. Find those questions in this thread then answer them clearly while writing effectively.

So to summarize you started off strong then went weak in my opinion. Good Luck and submit your changed statement when you work on it some more. We will be happy to look it over again!

Nothing special about my training (as in honor grad) so I'll remove that. There is some USMC leadership mentioned (fireteam leader, Squad leader) and although it's not flashy, they are a big deal to have these positions in a "victor" (combat) unit. Fireteam leader is usually an E-4 billet and Squad leader is designed to be an E-5 billet; both of which I held at the rate of E-3 and (fireteam leader I was an E-3 and squad leader I held as an E-3 & E-4). Unfortunatly though, there's nothing in my SRB that documents this like it does my training schools so there's no way to realy prove it. So should I still mention them?

I really apreciate your help, I was honestly kinda lost on how to go at it so I just started typing. I'll check for those points you mentioned in an earlier post, re-adjust, attack it again, and seek another critique if you don't mind.

Fallujahveteran

 

[twobecrazy]

So should I still mention them?

I really apreciate your help, I was honestly kinda lost on how to go at it so I just started typing. I'll check for those points you mentioned in an earlier post, re-adjust, attack it again, and seek another critique if you don't mind.

Fallujahveteran

Yes, definitely mention it. Just because it isn't documented doesn't mean it didn't happen. It would be much better if you have a LOR from someone within the unit that will confirm this though or some aspect of it. Obviously don't lie on the statement because it wouldn't be difficult for the board to research everything to find its validity but you need to mention things you have done in a leadership capacity. I actually rounded down by quite a bit to ensure I wouldn't be lying on the application or in my statement concerning individuals led, trained, etc... You seem to have some strong leadership potential but you have left the information out that really solidifies this thought! From one enlisted vet to another... The biggest plus we have (in my opinion) is the leadership roles that we possessed at such an early point in our lives. You need to expand on these roles and responsibilities in your statement. Once again this is just my opinion.

Concerning the second part... No problems... By all means seek as many critiques as you need to feel confident that you have the best statement (in your opinion) that you can possess... That is what we are here for!

Hopefully this helps,
TBC

 

[Goofskater]

Here is the second draft. I feel like it is getting there. Needs a bit more fine tuning and tweaking but staring at it for too long and need some input. Any Comments would be much appreciated.

""
The US Navy has been a great influence on my life through my grandfather, Norwald “Dick” Quiel. I grew up with men like Admiral Nimitz and my grandfather as heroes and ships like the USS Intrepid and USS Enterprise as places where men became legends. Hearing stories from an early age about flying in WWII and Korea from my grandfather, who is a WWII Ace Naval Aviator, inspired my awe for the Naval Aviation. Learning of his Silver Star award and citation has shown me on a very personal level the gallantry of the men in the US Navy. Through these influences Naval Aviation has been one of my great passions. This has driven me to pursuing a private pilot’s license as soon as I gained the means. My first solo flight was one of the most spectacular moments of my life and I am on track to attain my Private Pilots Certificate in June.
While attending Oregon State University I applied myself with full force to scholastic achievement and diverse personal growth. I graduated with a BS in Electrical and Computer Engineering with minors in Computer Science and Japanese. My studies included a yearlong study abroad in Tokyo, Japan. I worked hard in my major but still kept myself diverse with being involved in Omega Delta Phi Fraternity, holding Fundraising Chair and Internal Vice President, an executive position, for one year each. I also played on the university Club Ultimate Frisbee traveling team all four years at Oregon State University and volunteered as a conversation partner for the Japanese Student Association. I was able to be involved in all of these groups and was still able to achieve graduating Cum Laude with a 3.62 GPA.
Attaining a commission as an officer within the Naval Aviation community is not simply a path. For me, it is pursuing an intense passion while making an unyielding commitment to a long standing tradition of great and courageous men. I firmly believe that given the challenges of the Navy and my passion for Naval Aviation I will be one of the best in the world. I already have begun my impact of the aviation community while working at Garmin AT as a Hardware Design intern. I preformed a test on a collision avoidance system (ADS-B) with a single antenna. With the data published from this test and theoretical calculation modeling the FAA decided to only require one antenna as ADS-B is phased in as a requirement.
After graduation I started work for the Department of the Navy as an Electronics Engineer at Pearl Harbor Naval Shipyard and IMF. I realized through my interactions with the active duty sailors that my true calling is to be an officer in the US Navy. My experience working at PHNSY & IMF has given me a profound desire to be on the front lines serving my country and fellow sailors. I believe that with the mix of intelligence and physical capability, along with the ferocious determined and competitive drive I possess, I would become an indispensable asset. I am looking forward to serving the United States of America and joining the ranks truly great men.

""

Thanks for taking the time to read this

 

[MasterBates]

If you are going to say your Grandfather was a WWII Ace, you better be able to back that up, and even then, unless your name is instantly recognizable as related to someone "famous", it may make you come off as a BSing jackhole.

I don't know your name, and people reading the statement might not know Dilbert from the Red Baron.

 

[MasterBates]

Okay, you edited to add your Grandfather's name when I was typing my response.

 

[niner61]

Hello, I was wondering if someone would look over my statement. It is for the COLLEGE PROGRAM, at UC Berkley, but I will be a Cal Maritime student. I can do math, but I really can't write.
The prompt was.
1) Why do you want to participate in NROTC at UC Berkeley?
2) What character traits do you have that will make you successful as a midshipman and officer?
3) What do you see yourself doing in the Navy or Marine Corps?

Preparation for becoming an Officer in the greatest Navy in the world is why I want to participate in UC Berkeley NROTC. I know that at this unit, I will be receiving the highest quality of leadership experience, all the while leading and following Midshipman from UC Davis, Stanford, UC Berkeley and Cal Maritime. From the early days of Fleet Admiral Chester William Nimitz to today’s highly trained and respected Commanding Officers, I hope to continue the tradition of leading the finest sailors in the world. It is to my knowing that at this NROTC unit, I will have the opportunity experience the most outstanding and enhanced leadership training any ROTC unit can offer.
Growing up as a kid, watching videos, reading articles, talking to veterans, I dreamed of a day where I could be a part of it all. I have learned along the way that it isn’t all fun and games, its hard work, dedication and sacrifice. Being an officer in the Navy meant I would be giving and taking orders, all the while assessing the consequences of my decisions. I got to experience this on a small scale as a two-time squad leader of my Police Academy class during high school. I got to experience what it’s like to be looked up to, how it feels when someone doesn’t agree with a decision, or how to deal with a student who challenges an order. This experience opened my eyes to what it takes to be leader, even if it is just teenagers. During this time, I applied to be a Cadet with my local police department, after interviews and thorough backgrounds checks; I was accepted as a Lodi Police Cadet at the age of 17. Since then, I have been volunteering my time to help out the department and its officers. I go on patrol with fully sworn officer and other cadets. This enhanced my previous leadership experience as I was now dealing with a full-on, fully mature police force. I learned to take orders from officers and senior cadets, and took the initiative to help out new recruits into our program. Whether it was informing the recruit how to present yourself to the public and to the officers, teaching how to tow a vehicle or passing down orders, I learned the aspects of leading and being lead. This enforced the idea that if I wanted to lead, I would first have to follow and learn from the mistakes of myself and the leaders. Only then can I become a proficient leader. With leadership principles being roughly the same for all scales, I believe my experiences have prepared me far better that many other individuals for leading sailors. These past few years I have discovered myself and what I am capable of. With these experiences I found out I am persistent, fair, and supportive. Honoring my country and my fellow American has always been my goal. Not only am I capable of leading but I am open to being lead, never have I challenged the decisions of my superiors, and never have I felt demoted when lead by someone with equal rank. I truly believe that my experiences throughout my life have made me a good candidate to be a Midshipman and eventually an officer in the Navy. I hope to acquire even more high-quality leadership experience as Midshipmen with this unit.
Becoming one of the world’s best and highly trained aviators is what I hope to accomplish while in the US Navy. With my plan, I hope to acquire my private pilot’s license to make me a better candidate to be selected for either SNA (Student Naval Aviation) or SNFO (Student Naval Flight Officer). Throughout my life, I looked into doing Special Warfare or Explosive Ordinance Disposal, or even Master-at-Arms, but I always came back to wanting to be an aviator. I have spent countless hours online, on forums, reading articles and I understand how difficult it is to be selected for SNA and then become a successful pilot. I know that with my passion and persistence for flight, I will be selected and I will become a successful pilot. I also understand that I will be an officer first, than an aviator; I have full confidence that if I am not selected, I will perform to the best of my abilities the path the Navy has chosen for me. After my Navy career, I hope to become an astronaut for NASA. With my flight experience in the Navy and my Mechanical Engineering degree, I plan to be selected for an astronaut position. With these dreams that some can’t even perceive, I know that in the end, I would have done my part for this country.

Thats pretty much it, one page, single spaced.

Thank you for your time.

 

[twobecrazy]

Hello, I was wondering if someone would look over my statement. It is for the COLLEGE PROGRAM, at UC Berkley, but I will be a Cal Maritime student. I can do math, but I really can't write.
The prompt was.
1) Why do you want to participate in NROTC at UC Berkeley?
2) What character traits do you have that will make you successful as a midshipman and officer?
3) What do you see yourself doing in the Navy or Marine Corps?

Preparation for becoming an Officer in the greatest Navy in the world is why I want to participate in UC Berkeley NROTC. I know that at this unit, I will be receiving the highest quality of leadership experience, all the while leading and following Midshipman from UC Davis, Stanford, UC Berkeley and Cal Maritime. From the early days of Fleet Admiral Chester William Nimitz to today’s highly trained and respected Commanding Officers, I hope to continue the tradition of leading the finest sailors in the world. It is to my knowing that at this NROTC unit, I will have the opportunity experience the most outstanding and enhanced leadership training any ROTC unit can offer.
Growing up as a kid, watching videos, reading articles, talking to veterans, I dreamed of a day where I could be a part of it all. I have learned along the way that it isn’t all fun and games, its hard work, dedication and sacrifice. Being an officer in the Navy meant I would be giving and taking orders, all the while assessing the consequences of my decisions. I got to experience this on a small scale as a two-time squad leader of my Police Academy class during high school. I got to experience what it’s like to be looked up to, how it feels when someone doesn’t agree with a decision, or how to deal with a student who challenges an order. This experience opened my eyes to what it takes to be leader, even if it is just teenagers. During this time, I applied to be a Cadet with my local police department, after interviews and thorough backgrounds checks; I was accepted as a Lodi Police Cadet at the age of 17. Since then, I have been volunteering my time to help out the department and its officers. I go on patrol with fully sworn officer and other cadets. This enhanced my previous leadership experience as I was now dealing with a full-on, fully mature police force. I learned to take orders from officers and senior cadets, and took the initiative to help out new recruits into our program. Whether it was informing the recruit how to present yourself to the public and to the officers, teaching how to tow a vehicle or passing down orders, I learned the aspects of leading and being lead. This enforced the idea that if I wanted to lead, I would first have to follow and learn from the mistakes of myself and the leaders. Only then can I become a proficient leader. With leadership principles being roughly the same for all scales, I believe my experiences have prepared me far better that many other individuals for leading sailors. These past few years I have discovered myself and what I am capable of. With these experiences I found out I am persistent, fair, and supportive. Honoring my country and my fellow American has always been my goal. Not only am I capable of leading but I am open to being lead, never have I challenged the decisions of my superiors, and never have I felt demoted when lead by someone with equal rank. I truly believe that my experiences throughout my life have made me a good candidate to be a Midshipman and eventually an officer in the Navy. I hope to acquire even more high-quality leadership experience as Midshipmen with this unit.
Becoming one of the world’s best and highly trained aviators is what I hope to accomplish while in the US Navy. With my plan, I hope to acquire my private pilot’s license to make me a better candidate to be selected for either SNA (Student Naval Aviation) or SNFO (Student Naval Flight Officer). Throughout my life, I looked into doing Special Warfare or Explosive Ordinance Disposal, or even Master-at-Arms, but I always came back to wanting to be an aviator. I have spent countless hours online, on forums, reading articles and I understand how difficult it is to be selected for SNA and then become a successful pilot. I know that with my passion and persistence for flight, I will be selected and I will become a successful pilot. I also understand that I will be an officer first, than an aviator; I have full confidence that if I am not selected, I will perform to the best of my abilities the path the Navy has chosen for me. After my Navy career, I hope to become an astronaut for NASA. With my flight experience in the Navy and my Mechanical Engineering degree, I plan to be selected for an astronaut position. With these dreams that some can’t even perceive, I know that in the end, I would have done my part for this country.

Thats pretty much it, one page, single spaced.

Thank you for your time.

Just quickly as I can't speak too much about this statement presently. I also have no experience writing a statement for NROTC. But the biggest thing I seen that stood out was you missed some words here and there throughout the statement. Make sure you read it out loud to yourself and you will see what I'm talking about. Second, you say GOT. You should never say GOT in a well written statement. I'm horrible at grammar as well but I know at least that much. You can ALWAYS substitute GOT with something that sounds much better. Eliminate it immediately and your statement will sound that much better. Finally, you mention leadership throughout your statement. Great. You mention you have it. Great. However, you are too wordy when you are talking about it. You could easily condense your sentences to make the same point with the same information. I also wanted to say get rid of the leadership being roughly on the same scale. There are many different types of leadership with different leadership styles. I believe I understand what you are trying to say but the first thing I said in my head when I read that was maybe or maybe not. You don't want that to occur in your statement when someone else is reading it. That is all for now... I will try to add more later...

 

[BusyBee604]

Niner61, strongly recommend breaking down to maybe 5-6 readable "chunks" i.e., PARAGRAPHS! A bit verbose, could use a slight condensation.
BzB, SF Niner fan :football_

Edit: Please fill out your Profile...

 

[strawberry22]

Any takers?