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Motivational Statement MEGA Thread

Hey everyone, I am applying for Information Professional and MCWO:
GPA: 4.0 (Cybersecurity)
Prior Enlisted Operation Specialist 2nd Class
OAR: 48 (requires waiver)

Statement:
My name is __________, and I am seeking a commission in the United States Navy as an Information Professional Officer. I believe that a successful Navy Officer displays and balances leadership, approachability, integrity, dedication, and mission readiness; all traits which align to the Navy core values. Shortly after I graduated high school in 2017 at eighteen years old, I became quickly accustomed to the importance of upholding these core values and standards, as just months afterward, I found myself in the middle of enlisted basic training. My time as an enlisted sailor tested my resilience like never before, instilling discipline, leadership, teamwork, and commitment that will make me an excellent Officer candidate.

As an Operation Specialist Second Class, I quickly became an underway watch supervisor, a position that not only required me to be a subject matter expert in my rate, but also an example for my junior sailors. I was responsible for updating, coordinating with, and reporting to the Officer of the Deck and Tactical Action Officer, as well as drafting and routing daily operational reports to senior officers, and ensuring my watch teams were trained, diligent, and efficient.

When in port, I was my division’s training petty officer, which required me to assign, update, track, and route sailor qualifications for over 25 sailors. I also coordinated weekly divisional and departmental trainings in accordance with Navy instruction. These experiences allowed me to harness my dedication, leadership, ability to stay collected under pressure and support a culture of mission-readiness; all traits that make a strong Officer.

After my five-year enlisted contract, I was honorably discharged and decided to use my G.I. Bill to pursue a bachelor’s degree in Cybersecurity full-time at ___________, where I graduated with Summa Cum Laude honors, a 4.0 GPA, and second in my class in just three years. I was also one of four students nominated by the faculty to receive an “Outstanding Senior” award, which was awarded for my academic excellence and leadership potential. While attending ______, I had the opportunity to work as a Cybersecurity Consultant Intern through the Coastal Virginia Commonwealth Cyber Initiative (CoVA CCI). In this internship, I led a team of two other students in assisting a local accounting firm with implementing IT/Cybersecurity policies, training, and strategies to best protect their business from threats. This internship allowed me to build upon my leadership and communication skills, while also allowing me to tap into my technical knowledge in scenarios outside of the classroom. I am confident that these academic accomplishments and internship experience speak to my level of unwavering commitment, work ethic, and technical knowledge.

Although these experiences outside of the Navy were integral to my development as a professional, my desire to serve never wavered. Becoming an officer represents the next step in my commitment to service: to lead from the front, uphold the Navy Core values to the highest degree, and dedicate myself once more to the Navy’s mission.
To start with this is a chance to sell yourself by showing what actions you have done to accomplish things, look up STAR interview method and use that when talking about what you have done.

First paragraph - this isn't a NROTC application so scrap it.

Second paragraph - if any of this was normal for your rate, scrap it.

Third paragraph - retool it to say due to being recognized as a SME put as training officer, met with x number of sailors a week mentoring them, etc and give results on how you improved things.

Fourth paragraph - they know you left, they will know your GPA, no one cares if you took 3 or 8 years. Talk more about your leadership during your internship and how you led.

Fifth paragraph - redo it to talk about coming back as an officer to lead and mentor those who will be working for you and stuff like that.
 
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