To start with this is a chance to sell yourself by showing what actions you have done to accomplish things, look up STAR interview method and use that when talking about what you have done.
First paragraph - this isn't a NROTC application so scrap it.
Second paragraph - if any of this was normal for your rate, scrap it.
Third paragraph - retool it to say due to being recognized as a SME put as training officer, met with x number of sailors a week mentoring them, etc and give results on how you improved things.
Fourth paragraph - they know you left, they will know your GPA, no one cares if you took 3 or 8 years. Talk more about your leadership during your internship and how you led.
Fifth paragraph - redo it to talk about coming back as an officer to lead and mentor those who will be working for you and stuff like that.
Thank you for the insight. Regarding my experience as a watch supervisor, i'm not sure if it would be considered "normal" or not, as it was just myself and three others in my division (around 25-30 total sailors) who were actually entrusted with standing up the position (not sure how it works on other platforms) If you don't mind, i've revised my statement a bit and was wondering if this is a step in the right direction. I tried to remove the fluff about my GPA and what i believe a successful officer is while focusing more on my leadership experiences...
I seek a commission in the United States Navy’s Information Warfare Community to guide sailors, maintain mission readiness, uphold Navy standards, and ensure technical proficiency for myself and those I oversee. My enlisted service and college internship experience gave me firsthand experience in both leadership and foundational knowledge, and instilled in me the discipline, composure, and resilience required of an officer.
As an Operation Specialist Second Class in the Navy, I was entrusted with responsibilities that tested my ability to lead, train, and mentor others. While serving as an underway watch supervisor, I guided junior sailors toward maintaining situational awareness and the ship’s tactical picture in high-pressure training and live environments. These evolutions demanded clear communication, calm decision making, and the ability to prioritize when handling multiple tasks. By preparing my watch teams through evolution briefs and on-watch training, I ensured growth and built trust and confidence among my sailors
In port, I served as my division’s training petty officer, tracking, managing, and updating qualifications for more than 25 sailors. I coordinated weekly divisional and monthly departmental training in accordance with Navy instruction by assigning knowledgeable sailors to lead training in various in-rate qualifications and topics. These efforts strengthened divisional readiness, competency, and ensured my sailors remained accountable for the necessary qualifications for their paygrade.
After my five-year enlisted contract, I pursued a B.S. in Cybersecurity and graduated with top honors. I was one of four students elected by the faculty as an "Outstanding Senior", and I was one of 18 students selected to participate in a cybersecurity consulting internship with the Coastal Virginia Commonwealth Cyber Initiative. I was designated to lead a three-person student team tasked with helping a local accounting firm improve its security posture. I facilitated communication between the client and our team, scheduled and led meetings, and ensured deadlines for deliverables were met. I also directed the production of a comprehensive report outlining threats, risks, tools, and mitigation strategies tailored to the firm’s IT operations, and led the development of a cybersecurity training presentation for the firm’s owner and employees. These efforts improved the organization’s knowledge on common cybersecurity concepts and best practices, and gave me valuable experience leading peers, managing deadlines, and communicating technical information to non-technical audiences
These combined experiences have prepared me to return to the Navy as an officer. If selected as an officer candidate, I will draw from my enlisted perspective to lead from the front and invest in the professional development of the sailors entrusted to me. By providing clarity, accountability, and resilience required to be an officer, my goal is to build strong, disciplined, and capable teams that can be trusted to deliver no matter the circumstances.
With a proven record of Navy and civilian leadership leadership, foundational knowledge in IT and Cybersecurity concepts, and unwavering discipline, I am ready to dedicate myself once more to the fleet and to serve as a trusted leader within the Information Warfare Community.
