SWO and relationships

[nikki4]

Disclaimer: NOT a SWO.

As an aviator in my JO tour, I was gone about 20 months out of a 36 month JO tour. Boat dets, workups, 9 month deployment to to the suck, etc... I'm obviously not sure where your head is at on this whole "Navy Thing" but the following is the best advice I ever got in the Navy:

API instructor: How many of you have girlfriends/boyfriends that you think are "the one"?
Me: (raises hand...along with others in the room)
API instructor: Dump them. If they're still around after you get your wings and want you then they were probably the one. If not...at least you got your wings.
*I ended up breaking up with her over some bullshit but we got back together 2 years later and just had our first baby. Stuff kinda works out when it's meant to work out. AND..I got my wings! haha I've also flown over the entire country and half of the planet since then.

The above was pretty tongue in cheek advice from him but the sentiment is solid. Don't waste this opportunity over the boyfriend or let it affect your choices too much. Not much of America can say they've flown gray aircraft, driven a warship, or 'fought the war'. That said, I'm gonna have a beer and take off my fatherly advice hat.

haha pretty good advice, I mean if its supposed to work it'll work. And I made clear to him I'm not planning on changing my wants and plans of the Navy. I've got my sights set and I'm going for it. It would just be nice to have both things I want. But Career is coming first. His dad actually tried to get me to go AF instead because he said its easier for families and what not. But I'm pretty set on Navy and feel I'd be doing myself an injustice switching branches like that. Anyways thanks!

 

[moveslikemorgan]

Wow long story but good to hear for sure. I know a lot of changes are coming, and on my side, by myself, I'm ready for them. I actually started the whole process of applying on my own without being with anyone. Really planned to stay single until at least after I had been in a while. But I guess things always happen unexpectedly. And I didn't quite think of it in terms of added stress on top of studying and meeting my quals. Thanks for the input though, really gave me some things to consider and think about before moving forward!

So side question, you're already in and waiting to go through OCS?

Sure thing! And yeah, really the added stressors of being in a relationship on top of OCS stressors has been the biggest red flag for me.. there's definitely a lot to think about and consider!

To your second question, yes I was selected for SWO back in May, but I haven't sworn in or received my FINSEL/orders. All of the background check stuff has been submitted and completed, so the last step is receiving that OCS class date. Trying to wait patiently, but it's starting to get really, really hard...haha.

 

[Rockriver]

The Navy is going to expect 100% devotion to your community and the mission. Family life and relationships will have to fit around the Navy's plan for you. Your partner, if he wants to have any real time with you, is going to have to follow you and make his job less of a priority than yours (as most spouses do). The odds of spending quality time with him between your potential deployments and his could be very limited. Don't expect a lot of sympathy from senior leadership.

Personal issues just aren't important to your command. When I was on cruise in the I.O. during the Iranian hostage crisis, my brother died stateside. After my skipper informed me of his passing, he next told me to forget about getting off the boat to attend the funeral. I also saw guys miss the births of their children due to operational commitments.

You will need quality time ashore with a husband to keep a marriage together. It will be vitally important for the two of you. For the Navy, not so much.

Then again, maybe things have loosened up over the years in the new Navy...

 

[nikki4]

Sure thing! And yeah, really the added stressors of being in a relationship on top of OCS stressors has been the biggest red flag for me.. there's definitely a lot to think about and consider!

To your second question, yes I was selected for SWO back in May, but I haven't sworn in or received my FINSEL/orders. All of the background check stuff has been submitted and completed, so the last step is receiving that OCS class date. Trying to wait patiently, but it's starting to get really, really hard...haha.

yea like they say, hurry up and wait right? Well I'm aiming for OCS class in June, might end up in together! Good luck with getting orders soon though, hopefully you can get in before that for your patience's sake haha

 

[LFCFan]

Not a SWO, but I used to be in a pretty serious relationship with one.

I'll spare you the details of the relationship, but here's some things to add to the "Don'ts" column:
- Avoid long distance. Don't take orders to San Diego when your SO thinks the odds are they will stay in Hampton Roads after their school when you had the choice of which station to go to / could get the same platform in either location.
- Don't call every single day and complain about being a SWO. I was doing intel in an F-18 squadron, with plenty of new-guy shit to complain about, quals of my own to earn, etc, and instead had to listen to her every single night. Don't get me wrong, she had it worse, but it wasn't healthy that everything was about her.
- Don't talk shop too much. Being at a fighter squadron and dating a SWO we had a few discussions about how to handle certain issues at work (whether that was sailors, peers, or leadership) that became disagreements that were a little tense. If he's a civilian mariner, I'd imagine that you guys will have differing views on ship driving as well. You can chalk this one up to maturity, she just thought that the DDG way was THE navy way.
- Don't assume that your career will always come first. There might be times you have to take one for the team with regards to job/location (see #1).

 

[Renegade One]

I'm aiming for OCS class in June...

June of next year? Your "problem" may have gone away before then. Cheers!

 

[Spekkio]

Personal issues just aren't important to your command. When I was on cruise in the I.O. during the Iranian hostage crisis, my brother died stateside. After my skipper informed me of his passing, he next told me to forget about getting off the boat to attend the funeral. I also saw guys miss the births of their children due to operational commitments.

I'm sorry that you had that experience, but to blanket statement that 'personal issues just aren't important to your command' is grossly misleading. The mission comes first and everyone understand that, but every XO or CO that I've served with would do everything he could to get any O or E to an immediate family's funeral or to see the birth of their children to include baby leave if it were operationally feasible, and it usually is.

Having said that, when it comes to children it pays to be smart about family planning and don't have children during workups or deployments. Going on deployment and leaving your wife with an infant to take care of by herself is not a recipe for happiness.

If OP wants to get married and take a honeymoon, she's probably going to have to work that around the ship's schedule when the ship is in-port.

 

[exNavyOffRec]

Not a SWO, but I used to be in a pretty serious relationship with one.


- Don't call every single day and complain about being a SWO. I was doing intel in an F-18 squadron, with plenty of new-guy shit to complain about, quals of my own to earn, etc, and instead had to listen to her every single night. Don't get me wrong, she had it worse, but it wasn't healthy that everything was about her.
- Don't talk shop too much.
- Don't assume that your career will always come first. There might be times you have to take one for the team with regards to job/location (see #1).

actually good advice for any relationship.

- your spouse or SO doesn't want to constantly hear about your problems.
- your spouse of SO doesn't constantly want to hear about your job.
- relationship is about give and take.

The above doesn't mean you can't talk to the spouse or SO about those issues, just know how to balance it.

 

[Earthmover]

This thread pains me to look through because it has affirmed most of my fears about my current relationship.

I have been Pro-Rec Y'ed for SNA, but I am waiting on my Final Select letter. My girlfriend is a research assistant in a lab, with plans to work there for one more year. Come December, she will be applying to grad school (her GRE scores were all in the 90th percentile) for a PhD program in molecular biology (~5 years). After that her plans are a little less concrete but she is thinking about a couple of post docs (~10 years) and returning to research. Within the immediate 10 years, our careers, and thus lives, will not overlap in anyway. Achieving a PhD in molecular biology is her dream. Becoming a Naval Aviator is mine. Neither of us want to put our careers on hold. The best compromise we can come up with is try to make it work, but the odds are not in our favor.

Our relationship has always been long distance, and I know the thought of 10 more years minimum is wearing on her. She is the love of my life and I am firm in my commitments. I was never interested in females before I met her, and, if she leaves, I severely doubt that anyone will be able to replace her. Ultimately, it will have to be her that terminates our relationship.

I have one last plan to try and get her to change her mind, either about postponing her career or continuing a relationship with me. She has promised to not break up with me during OCS, and I do not see her breaking up with me anytime soon. That means she will most likely still be my girlfriend immediately after OCS. Given that three months of minimal contact will be but a sample of what is yet to come, she might be willing to reconsider. If I am graced with some fortune, I will also have the ability to participate in OHARP and actually live with her, that way I don't have to spring it on her relatively fast. If we are able to make a compromise, then perfect. If she breaks up with me I will be devastated, but life goes on. If she choses her career, our relationship will most likely end in a slow, painful death spiral as loneliness works each day to degrade the thread of hope for a happy future together.

 

[DanMa1156]

This thread pains me to look through because it has affirmed most of my fears about my current relationship.

I have been Pro-Rec Y'ed for SNA, but I am waiting on my Final Select letter. My girlfriend is a research assistant in a lab, with plans to work there for one more year. Come December, she will be applying to grad school (her GRE scores were all in the 90th percentile) for a PhD program in molecular biology (~5 years). After that her plans are a little less concrete but she is thinking about a couple of post docs (~10 years) and returning to research. Within the immediate 10 years, our careers, and thus lives, will not overlap in anyway. Achieving a PhD in molecular biology is her dream. Becoming a Naval Aviator is mine. Neither of us want to put our careers on hold. The best compromise we can come up with is try to make it work, but the odds are not in our favor.

Our relationship has always been long distance, and I know the thought of 10 more years minimum is wearing on her. She is the love of my life and I am firm in my commitments. I was never interested in females before I met her, and, if she leaves, I severely doubt that anyone will be able to replace her. Ultimately, it will have to be her that terminates our relationship.

I have one last plan to try and get her to change her mind, either about postponing her career or continuing a relationship with me. She has promised to not break up with me during OCS, and I do not see her breaking up with me anytime soon. That means she will most likely still be my girlfriend immediately after OCS. Given that three months of minimal contact will be but a sample of what is yet to come, she might be willing to reconsider. If I am graced with some fortune, I will also have the ability to participate in OHARP and actually live with her, that way I don't have to spring it on her relatively fast. If we are able to make a compromise, then perfect. If she breaks up with me I will be devastated, but life goes on. If she choses her career, our relationship will most likely end in a slow, painful death spiral as loneliness works each day to degrade the thread of hope for a happy future together.

Dude. That's deep. Probably too deep for these forums. Here's how I see things:

One of you is going to have to make a choice: love or career. It won't work and it's not fair to either of you long distance for that amount of time. Unfortunately, you can't have both, at least at the same time. Maybe she can pursue her career after yours, but yours is limited by age. Or, you decide you love her more than you think you love flying and you pursue her instead.

I speak from experience.

Also... if you weren't interested in females before her, you were either super young (and probably still are and thus think no one will ever replace her but, someone will) - OR - you may want to take a deep look at your sexuality and ensure it's actually interested in women as a gender.

 

[FormerRecruitingGuru]

Plenty of attractive women in Corpus.

 

[Earthmover]

Also... if you weren't interested in females before her, you were either super young (and probably still are and thus think no one will ever replace her but, someone will) - OR - you may want to take a deep look at your sexuality and ensure it's actually interested in women as a gender.

The former is more accurate than the latter.

 

[moveslikemorgan]

The former is more accurate than the latter.

As cut throat as it sounds (and no disrespect to your girlfriend), generally speaking, they can always be replaced. Doesn't always seem that way, but it's true. Time heals all.

 

[HAL Pilot]

The former is more accurate than the latter.

I'd change my avatar then....just saying...

 

[Pags]

At some point something has got to give. Someone is going to have to compromise or decide that their goals have changed. An academic career is totally at odds with a military career. Academia will require her to commit to an institution while being a military spouse will require her to move a lot. When I met my wife she was in a PhD program. She ended up leaving her PhD program because of health issues and that allowed her to not have to choose between her career and our relationship. If the health issues hadn't have come up who knows what would be happened. But failing some odd stroke of serendipity you and her career paths are at odds with your relationship.