You may want to work on sentence construction as well. You've got a few sentence fragments in there.
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Motivational Statement MEGA Thread
- Thread starter FSF17
- Start date
tshort
New Member
Revised motivational statement
Earlier I posted a motivational statement and I had alot of feedback on how to correct it. This is my revised version, any imput or corrections would be highly appreciated. There is also, one question I have off the bat. Previously I went to USMC OCS and was dropped. I considered addressing it, but didn't. Is this a good move or should I address it?
Well here it is, any imput would be greatly appreciated thanks,
I am Thomas Alexander Short. I have a BA degree in history from the University of Florida, with a major in history. This is my application to become an officer candidate in the United States Navy.
My goal is to serve my country as a naval officer, and to enrich myself personally. I want to know that each day my work could contribute to the welfare and security of the nation. The Navy appeals to me because of its tradition and opportunity, and also because it demands so much of a person’s character.
I expect to honorably carry out the orders of my commanding officers while also being a mentor and leader to my junior sailors. As a salesman at LA Fitness I learned the difference between a manager and a leader is that a leader leads by good example while a manager just gives orders. I will take the leadership approach in the fleet by showing the way.
I am currently in excellent physical condition and along with my regular physical training program; I frequently work out with a group of Navy SEAL candidates. Last week I passed the rigorous SEAL physical fitness test.
Becoming a Naval Officer is a unique accomplishment that is highly respected by me. I plan to serve with pride and dignity. My hope is that my application packet will be accepted by you personally.
Respectfully Submitted,
Thomas Alexander Short
Earlier I posted a motivational statement and I had alot of feedback on how to correct it. This is my revised version, any imput or corrections would be highly appreciated. There is also, one question I have off the bat. Previously I went to USMC OCS and was dropped. I considered addressing it, but didn't. Is this a good move or should I address it?
Well here it is, any imput would be greatly appreciated thanks,
I am Thomas Alexander Short. I have a BA degree in history from the University of Florida, with a major in history. This is my application to become an officer candidate in the United States Navy.
My goal is to serve my country as a naval officer, and to enrich myself personally. I want to know that each day my work could contribute to the welfare and security of the nation. The Navy appeals to me because of its tradition and opportunity, and also because it demands so much of a person’s character.
I expect to honorably carry out the orders of my commanding officers while also being a mentor and leader to my junior sailors. As a salesman at LA Fitness I learned the difference between a manager and a leader is that a leader leads by good example while a manager just gives orders. I will take the leadership approach in the fleet by showing the way.
I am currently in excellent physical condition and along with my regular physical training program; I frequently work out with a group of Navy SEAL candidates. Last week I passed the rigorous SEAL physical fitness test.
Becoming a Naval Officer is a unique accomplishment that is highly respected by me. I plan to serve with pride and dignity. My hope is that my application packet will be accepted by you personally.
Respectfully Submitted,
Thomas Alexander Short
Tom, as a Gator Alumni, you of course will go very far... 
I am not going to wordsmith or provide any specific recommendations for your motivational statement. This should reflect your thoughts, ideas, and ability to reflect them on paper. The motivational statement is one of the few ways that the board has of figuring out "who" you are. I counsel my enlisted personnel that are applying to spend a great deal of time thinking on why they want a commission, what will they contribute, and most importantly why the board should consider them over others. I also recommend that they read it aloud to friends and family, and for god's sake, ensure that it is grammatically correct and spell checked.
With regards to the OCS drop... is that discussed in your package elsewhere? Would the board "wonder" about it, and question your performance/dedication? If so, I would address it, what you learned from it, and why you will succeed.
As for your current statement, I thankfully didn't walk away from reading it thinking "me, me, me", that many of the ones I have seen lately cry out. But I don't get a strong impression of what your goal is in the Navy (drive ships, be a SEAL, fly planes, etc)...
Best of luck,
John
I am not going to wordsmith or provide any specific recommendations for your motivational statement. This should reflect your thoughts, ideas, and ability to reflect them on paper. The motivational statement is one of the few ways that the board has of figuring out "who" you are. I counsel my enlisted personnel that are applying to spend a great deal of time thinking on why they want a commission, what will they contribute, and most importantly why the board should consider them over others. I also recommend that they read it aloud to friends and family, and for god's sake, ensure that it is grammatically correct and spell checked.
With regards to the OCS drop... is that discussed in your package elsewhere? Would the board "wonder" about it, and question your performance/dedication? If so, I would address it, what you learned from it, and why you will succeed.
As for your current statement, I thankfully didn't walk away from reading it thinking "me, me, me", that many of the ones I have seen lately cry out. But I don't get a strong impression of what your goal is in the Navy (drive ships, be a SEAL, fly planes, etc)...
Best of luck,
John
I'm not familiar with what else is in an OCS package, but I would echo what the webmaster has said. You absolutely should address a prior drop from a commissioning program, but if that's already addressed in a different area of your package, then it might be okay to not include it in your motivational statement. Prior instances of attrition would catch the eye of boards, and, if not addressed adequately, would probably kill your package.
tshort
New Member
This is my revised motivational statement. As advised, I adressed my previous failure to complete OCS. Please let my know if i did it well. I plan to hand in my package this week so hopefully i'm on the right track.
-Thanks
My desire is to have the honor of serving my country and enriching myself personally as a naval officer. I want to know that each day my work could contribute to the welfare and security of our nation. The Navy appeals to me because of its traditions, opportunities, and because it demands so much of a person’s character.
I expect to honorably carry out the orders of my commanding officers while also being a mentor and leader to my junior sailors. As a sales manager at LA Fitness I learned the difference between a manager and a leader is that a leader leads by good example while a manager just gives orders. I will take the leadership approach in the fleet by showing the way.
Previously I attended Marine Corps OCS, however due to overtraining I severely sprained my ankle only a week before OCS began. Upon arrival I was offered to leave on a medical discharge. Knowing that I would have to wait until the OCS class this October I decided to stay and tough it out. However, the injury affected my performance within the platoon and after a month of training I was sent home. (I was invited to come back for another class as disclosed in the attached letter.). Despite this setback, what I learned made it so that I did not leave Quantico empty handed. Most importantly I learned what OCS is about and how I must deal with the stresses and demands of military training.
While planning to return to USMC OCS, I was encouraged by naval officers I met to consider the Navy. I admired their spirit of adventure, as well as their professionalism and camaraderie. I found that the Navy offered a vast rage of maritime opportunities, while still maintaining the same values that drew me to the Corps. This convinced me that I could better serve my country and meet my goals as a naval officer.
I understand that becoming an officer in the most powerful navy in the world is a unique accomplishment. As a former OCS candidate I know that the path to commission will be long and arduous, but I am up to the challenge. This is an opportunity that is highly respected by me, and if given the chance I plan to serve with pride and dignity.
Respectfully Submitted,
-Thanks
My desire is to have the honor of serving my country and enriching myself personally as a naval officer. I want to know that each day my work could contribute to the welfare and security of our nation. The Navy appeals to me because of its traditions, opportunities, and because it demands so much of a person’s character.
I expect to honorably carry out the orders of my commanding officers while also being a mentor and leader to my junior sailors. As a sales manager at LA Fitness I learned the difference between a manager and a leader is that a leader leads by good example while a manager just gives orders. I will take the leadership approach in the fleet by showing the way.
Previously I attended Marine Corps OCS, however due to overtraining I severely sprained my ankle only a week before OCS began. Upon arrival I was offered to leave on a medical discharge. Knowing that I would have to wait until the OCS class this October I decided to stay and tough it out. However, the injury affected my performance within the platoon and after a month of training I was sent home. (I was invited to come back for another class as disclosed in the attached letter.). Despite this setback, what I learned made it so that I did not leave Quantico empty handed. Most importantly I learned what OCS is about and how I must deal with the stresses and demands of military training.
While planning to return to USMC OCS, I was encouraged by naval officers I met to consider the Navy. I admired their spirit of adventure, as well as their professionalism and camaraderie. I found that the Navy offered a vast rage of maritime opportunities, while still maintaining the same values that drew me to the Corps. This convinced me that I could better serve my country and meet my goals as a naval officer.
I understand that becoming an officer in the most powerful navy in the world is a unique accomplishment. As a former OCS candidate I know that the path to commission will be long and arduous, but I am up to the challenge. This is an opportunity that is highly respected by me, and if given the chance I plan to serve with pride and dignity.
Respectfully Submitted,
Hey T-Short: Biggest thing that jumped out at me was that the majority of your naval heroes weren't even in the U.S. Navy. Might want to pay homage to Bull Halsey, or Jim Stockdale, Mitscher, Ramage, Burke, Gilmore, Fluckey, Spruance, etc, etc.
Plus what the other guys already said.
Personal Statement?
I was wondering if you guys could go over my Personal Statement for the Academy, I have included the question that they ask. I tried my best to be honest and give specific examples. If it's bad, please tell me why it's bad and if it's good please tell me that it's good. I've been out of school for two-years and I'm afraid my writing skills may have deteriorated. I am also near the space-limit so adding thins really isn't an option at this point.
If this would be more appropriate in the Motivational Statement Mega Thread, please move it.
In a well-organized essay of 300 to 500 words, please discuss the following:
(1) Describe what led to your initial interest in the naval service and how the Naval Academy will help you achieve your long range goals, and (2) Describe a personal experience you have had which you feel has contributed to your own character development and integrity.
I want to be commissioned from the Academy because I believe it is the best place for me to develop as a leader. At the Academy I will be given a chance to hone my leadership skills for four years in a Navy environment. No other commissioning source can offer the effect of total immersion in the culture of the Navy; some may come close, but they cannot match the experience that the Academy has to offer.
Initially, all I wanted to do in the military was fly jets, but after hours of reflection I have realized that leading the young men and women of the Navy is what I really want to do. Having a military career is something I never thought I would enjoy, because my father served in Vietnam and has problems dealing with his time in the Marines. I had this mind-set until I lived in Virginia Beach for the hockey season where I began interacting with people who are non-commissioned and commissioned officers in the Navy. This is when I began to realize that those individuals had admirable qualities that I wanted to emulate.
I was fortunate enough to be assigned a Navy Chief as my billet for several months last season. He was able to answer many of my questions about the military-lifestyle through his personal example. He embodied everything that I wanted to be when I was an adult, hard-working, honest, and fair. Also, he dedicated himself to giving his son every opportunity that he never had. The other example I had was my assistant coach. This coach was a retired Marine Corps Officer that always got the job done as quickly and efficiently as possible. These two men are some of my role-models, they have had successful careers while maintaining wonderful lives at home. Not only do I have a desire to be an officer, I also want to be the best officer that I can be.
An experience that has already helped prepare me for a career as an officer is hockey. Hockey has been a significant part of my life for the past fifteen years and it has also been my greatest teacher. It has taught me how to push myself to my physical limits, win with class, and commit myself to a cause that is greater then any individual. Through hockey I have learned that there is always a way to improve yourself, even if you are injured. Last November I fractured my right fibula, but instead of letting my skills deteriorate because I was unable to skate, I took that opportunity to improve my stick-handling skills. I practiced in the locker room while my other injured teammates were in the rink watching practice. However, this is not the most significant lesson hockey has taught me.
Most importantly, hockey has taught me how to be a good teammate and a good person. It has taught me that everyone on the team has a role to play and success cannot be achieved if everyone does not do their job to the best of their abilities. That you have a duty and commitment to your teammates, you need to show up to practice and do your best every day because others are counting on you. When I broke my leg in November, instead of going home and letting my teammates down I stayed and supported my team. Instead of playing a role on the ice I played a role behind the scenes, filling water-bottles and taking statistics. Hockey has taught me how to thrive in a team environment where everyone depends on one another to do their best no matter how mundane the task.
I was wondering if you guys could go over my Personal Statement for the Academy, I have included the question that they ask. I tried my best to be honest and give specific examples. If it's bad, please tell me why it's bad and if it's good please tell me that it's good. I've been out of school for two-years and I'm afraid my writing skills may have deteriorated. I am also near the space-limit so adding thins really isn't an option at this point.
If this would be more appropriate in the Motivational Statement Mega Thread, please move it.
In a well-organized essay of 300 to 500 words, please discuss the following:
(1) Describe what led to your initial interest in the naval service and how the Naval Academy will help you achieve your long range goals, and (2) Describe a personal experience you have had which you feel has contributed to your own character development and integrity.
I want to be commissioned from the Academy because I believe it is the best place for me to develop as a leader. At the Academy I will be given a chance to hone my leadership skills for four years in a Navy environment. No other commissioning source can offer the effect of total immersion in the culture of the Navy; some may come close, but they cannot match the experience that the Academy has to offer.
Initially, all I wanted to do in the military was fly jets, but after hours of reflection I have realized that leading the young men and women of the Navy is what I really want to do. Having a military career is something I never thought I would enjoy, because my father served in Vietnam and has problems dealing with his time in the Marines. I had this mind-set until I lived in Virginia Beach for the hockey season where I began interacting with people who are non-commissioned and commissioned officers in the Navy. This is when I began to realize that those individuals had admirable qualities that I wanted to emulate.
I was fortunate enough to be assigned a Navy Chief as my billet for several months last season. He was able to answer many of my questions about the military-lifestyle through his personal example. He embodied everything that I wanted to be when I was an adult, hard-working, honest, and fair. Also, he dedicated himself to giving his son every opportunity that he never had. The other example I had was my assistant coach. This coach was a retired Marine Corps Officer that always got the job done as quickly and efficiently as possible. These two men are some of my role-models, they have had successful careers while maintaining wonderful lives at home. Not only do I have a desire to be an officer, I also want to be the best officer that I can be.
An experience that has already helped prepare me for a career as an officer is hockey. Hockey has been a significant part of my life for the past fifteen years and it has also been my greatest teacher. It has taught me how to push myself to my physical limits, win with class, and commit myself to a cause that is greater then any individual. Through hockey I have learned that there is always a way to improve yourself, even if you are injured. Last November I fractured my right fibula, but instead of letting my skills deteriorate because I was unable to skate, I took that opportunity to improve my stick-handling skills. I practiced in the locker room while my other injured teammates were in the rink watching practice. However, this is not the most significant lesson hockey has taught me.
Most importantly, hockey has taught me how to be a good teammate and a good person. It has taught me that everyone on the team has a role to play and success cannot be achieved if everyone does not do their job to the best of their abilities. That you have a duty and commitment to your teammates, you need to show up to practice and do your best every day because others are counting on you. When I broke my leg in November, instead of going home and letting my teammates down I stayed and supported my team. Instead of playing a role on the ice I played a role behind the scenes, filling water-bottles and taking statistics. Hockey has taught me how to thrive in a team environment where everyone depends on one another to do their best no matter how mundane the task.
I would downplay your father's negative ties to his military service. Make mention of the fact that he served in Vietnam, but since that was way before your time, there was no real strong military influence. His demons are not yours, so don't bring them into the discussion.
I understand the mentorship by the Navy Chief and USMC officer during hockey season, and that is good stuff. But I don't follow the wording of your being assigned a Navy Chief billet. What does that mean?
Don't go putting yourself on report about your injury. The application is not the venue to be discussing such matters. Certainly don't lie about it on your medical eval, especially if it is obvious (pins, scars, etc). But you don't need to raise questions you can't answer immediately. Instead, discuss how you helped the team, even when you weren't actively playing.
Can't remember where, but you incorrectly used "then" when you should have used "than" when making a comparison (toward the end of the statement I believe). Spelling and grammar need to be flawless.
Good luck.
I understand the mentorship by the Navy Chief and USMC officer during hockey season, and that is good stuff. But I don't follow the wording of your being assigned a Navy Chief billet. What does that mean?
Don't go putting yourself on report about your injury. The application is not the venue to be discussing such matters. Certainly don't lie about it on your medical eval, especially if it is obvious (pins, scars, etc). But you don't need to raise questions you can't answer immediately. Instead, discuss how you helped the team, even when you weren't actively playing.
Can't remember where, but you incorrectly used "then" when you should have used "than" when making a comparison (toward the end of the statement I believe). Spelling and grammar need to be flawless.
Good luck.
A two or three sentence closing paragraph would wrap things up nicely. I agree with everything A-6 said, about your injury an chief billet. Pretty good overall, it just drops off at the end though without a quick closing paragraph. and DEFINITELY have someone with an english degree/who writes professionally/who teaches english to proof read it a couple times. Any and all punctuation errors, grammer errors, and run-ons (not saying I found any, I am by no means an english professor) need to be gone. Good luck!
Lobster
Well-Known Member
Try to stay away from words and phrases such as "fly jets" but instead use something like naval aviator or naval aviation. Also try to make yourself sound more like a leader instead of talking about everything the academy could give you in the first two paragraphs speak also about all of the qualites you have that would make you a great midshipman.
Thanks for the responses so far.
I am not worried about mentioning my injury, I already have a waiver from DoDMERB.
I'll change billet to host family, forgot that someone not involved with junior hockey will not know what I am talking about.
I can't decide whether or not I want to leave the part about my father in. It's the truth, because of his PTSD I wasn't interested in the military at all until about two years ago. But, it may not be what the people on the selection board want to hear. If it makes any difference my dad is more excited about me applying to the Academy then I am.
I will revise it tonight and post it with the changes.
I am not worried about mentioning my injury, I already have a waiver from DoDMERB.
I'll change billet to host family, forgot that someone not involved with junior hockey will not know what I am talking about.
I can't decide whether or not I want to leave the part about my father in. It's the truth, because of his PTSD I wasn't interested in the military at all until about two years ago. But, it may not be what the people on the selection board want to hear. If it makes any difference my dad is more excited about me applying to the Academy then I am.
I will revise it tonight and post it with the changes.
That's not something they'll want to hear at all... and rightfully so.
Ok, here it is as I have revised it. Please, tell me if it's more clear where it needs to be. Also, I changed the part about my father but still dropped it in that he is a Vietnam Veteran.
I want to be commissioned from the Naval Academy because I believe it is the best place for me to develop as a leader. At the Academy I will be given a chance to hone my leadership skills for four years in a Navy environment. No other commissioning source can offer the effect of total immersion in the culture of the Navy; some may come close, but they cannot match the experience that the Academy has to offer.
Initially, my only interest in the Navy was to become a naval aviator, but after hours of reflection I have realized that leading the young men and women of the Navy is what I really want to do. I never really considered a career in the military until I had the opportunity to live in Virginia Beach and interact with non-commissioned and commissioned officers in the Navy. This is when I began to realize that those individuals had admirable qualities and that I wanted to emulate. Then my father, who served in the Marine Corps during the Vietnam War, suggested I apply to the Naval Academy.
I was fortunate enough to be assigned a Navy Chief as my host for several months last season. He was able to answer many of my questions about the military-lifestyle through his personal example. He embodied everything that I wanted to be when I was an adult, hard-working, honest, and fair. Also, he dedicated himself to giving his son every opportunity that he never had. The other example I had was my assistant coach. This coach was a retired Marine Corps Officer that always got the job done as quickly and efficiently as possible. These two men are some of my role-models, they have had successful careers while maintaining wonderful lives at home. Not only do I have a desire to be an officer, I also want to be the best officer that I can be.
An experience that has already helped prepare me for a career as an officer is hockey. Hockey has been a significant part of my life for the past fifteen years and it has also been my greatest teacher. It has taught me how to push myself to my physical limits, win with class, and commit myself to a cause that is greater than any individual. Through hockey I have learned that there is always a way to improve yourself, even if you are injured. Last November I fractured my right fibula, but instead of letting my skills deteriorate because I was unable to skate, I took that opportunity to improve my stick-handling skills. I practiced in the locker room while my other injured teammates were in the rink watching practice. However, this is not the most significant lesson hockey has taught me.
Most importantly, hockey has taught me how to be a good teammate and a good person. It has taught me that everyone on the team has a role to play and success cannot be achieved if everyone does not do their job to the best of their abilities. That you have a duty and commitment to your teammates, you need to show up to practice and do your best every day because others are counting on you. When I broke my leg in November, instead of going home and letting my teammates down I stayed and supported my team. Instead of playing a role on the ice I played a role behind the scenes, filling water-bottles and taking statistics. Hockey has taught me how to thrive in a team environment where everyone depends on one another to do their best no matter how mundane the task.
Any more advice would be greatly appreciated.
I want to be commissioned from the Naval Academy because I believe it is the best place for me to develop as a leader. At the Academy I will be given a chance to hone my leadership skills for four years in a Navy environment. No other commissioning source can offer the effect of total immersion in the culture of the Navy; some may come close, but they cannot match the experience that the Academy has to offer.
Initially, my only interest in the Navy was to become a naval aviator, but after hours of reflection I have realized that leading the young men and women of the Navy is what I really want to do. I never really considered a career in the military until I had the opportunity to live in Virginia Beach and interact with non-commissioned and commissioned officers in the Navy. This is when I began to realize that those individuals had admirable qualities and that I wanted to emulate. Then my father, who served in the Marine Corps during the Vietnam War, suggested I apply to the Naval Academy.
I was fortunate enough to be assigned a Navy Chief as my host for several months last season. He was able to answer many of my questions about the military-lifestyle through his personal example. He embodied everything that I wanted to be when I was an adult, hard-working, honest, and fair. Also, he dedicated himself to giving his son every opportunity that he never had. The other example I had was my assistant coach. This coach was a retired Marine Corps Officer that always got the job done as quickly and efficiently as possible. These two men are some of my role-models, they have had successful careers while maintaining wonderful lives at home. Not only do I have a desire to be an officer, I also want to be the best officer that I can be.
An experience that has already helped prepare me for a career as an officer is hockey. Hockey has been a significant part of my life for the past fifteen years and it has also been my greatest teacher. It has taught me how to push myself to my physical limits, win with class, and commit myself to a cause that is greater than any individual. Through hockey I have learned that there is always a way to improve yourself, even if you are injured. Last November I fractured my right fibula, but instead of letting my skills deteriorate because I was unable to skate, I took that opportunity to improve my stick-handling skills. I practiced in the locker room while my other injured teammates were in the rink watching practice. However, this is not the most significant lesson hockey has taught me.
Most importantly, hockey has taught me how to be a good teammate and a good person. It has taught me that everyone on the team has a role to play and success cannot be achieved if everyone does not do their job to the best of their abilities. That you have a duty and commitment to your teammates, you need to show up to practice and do your best every day because others are counting on you. When I broke my leg in November, instead of going home and letting my teammates down I stayed and supported my team. Instead of playing a role on the ice I played a role behind the scenes, filling water-bottles and taking statistics. Hockey has taught me how to thrive in a team environment where everyone depends on one another to do their best no matter how mundane the task.
Any more advice would be greatly appreciated.
Very quickly, two things that stuck out at me:
I'd say in your first paragraph, to make it clearer that YOU can use the Academy's tools/resources to become the best Naval Officer that you can be with them. They already know that the Academy gives people the chance to develop themselves.
Also, don't use the term "good person" - it's trite and nondescript. Be clearer and more descriptive. Focus on what makes you a good person rather than just saying "I'm a good person."
Good luck.
I'd say in your first paragraph, to make it clearer that YOU can use the Academy's tools/resources to become the best Naval Officer that you can be with them. They already know that the Academy gives people the chance to develop themselves.
Also, don't use the term "good person" - it's trite and nondescript. Be clearer and more descriptive. Focus on what makes you a good person rather than just saying "I'm a good person."
Good luck.