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Motivational Statement MEGA Thread

In your third paragraph you just jump to the story about the Navy chief and provide no context. What season are you talking about?

Your first and second paragraphs, as well as your fourth and fifth paragraphs, work together and flow well, but your third paragraph is in there awkwardly with no transitions in or out of it. Make sure every sentence and paragraph supports your argument and join smoothly.

Also, here's a quick grammar lesson. In the last sentence of your third paragraph you use "not only." Whenever you use that phrase, you must somewhere later in the sentence use "but also."
 
I think you need some kind of a closer, it just kind of drops out otherwise.

Just my .02$

Everything else looks pretty great in my opinion.
 
You went from Naval Aviator to Naval Leader in "hours of reflection." It really doesn't really seem like a long time to make a choice like the one you describe. Maybe a different word choice, or maybe it really only took you a few hours to decide.
 
Alright, spruced it up a bit, added a short ending(I am at the limit for space now). Have it at and please tell me about any mistakes you see, or something that could be better.

(1) Describe what led to your initial interest in the naval service and how the Naval Academy will help you achieve your long range goals, and (2) Describe a personal experience you have had which you feel has contributed to your own character development and integrity.



I want to be commissioned from the Naval Academy because I believe it is the best place for me to develop as a leader. I learn best by doing and at the Academy I will be given a chance to practice and refine my leadership skills for four years in a Navy environment before I am sent out to the fleet. No other commissioning source can offer complete immersion in the culture of the Navy; some may come close, but they cannot match the experience that the Academy has to offer.

Initially, my only interest in the Navy was to become a naval aviator, but after months of reflection I have realized that leading the young men and women of the Navy is what I really want to do. I never really considered a career in the military until I had the opportunity to live in Virginia Beach and interact with non-commissioned and commissioned officers in the Navy. This is when I began to realize that those individuals had admirable qualities and that I wanted to emulate them.

I was fortunate enough to be assigned a Navy Chief as my host in Virginia Beach for several months during the 2007-2008 hockey season. He was able to answer many of my questions about the military-lifestyle through his personal example. He embodied everything that I wanted to be when I was an adult: hard-working, honest, and fair. Also, he dedicated himself to giving his son every opportunity that he never had. The other example I had was my assistant coach. This coach was a retired Marine Corps Officer that always got the job done as quickly and efficiently as possible. These two men are some of my role-models, they have had successful careers while maintaining wonderful lives at home. The reason I was able to have these two men in my life was because of hockey, however this is not the only positive thing that hockey has done for me.

Hockey has been a significant part of my life for the past fifteen years and it has also been my greatest teacher. It has taught me how to push myself to my physical limits, win with class, and commit myself to a cause that is greater than any individual. Through hockey I have learned that there is always a way to improve yourself, even if you are injured. Last November I fractured my right fibula, but instead of letting my skills deteriorate because I was unable to skate, I took that opportunity to improve my stick-handling skills. I practiced in the locker room while my other injured teammates were in the rink watching practice. However, this is not the most significant lesson hockey has taught me.

Most importantly, hockey has taught me how to be a good teammate, one who supports ones team no matter what. It has taught me that everyone on the team has a role to play and success cannot be achieved if everyone does not do their job to the best of their abilities. Hockey has showed me that you have a duty and commitment to your teammates, you need to show up to practice and do your best every day because others are counting on you. When I broke my leg in November, instead of going home and letting my teammates down I stayed and supported my team. Instead of playing a role on the ice I played a role behind the scenes, filling water-bottles and taking statistics. Hockey has taught me how to thrive in a team environment where everyone depends on one another to do their best no matter how mundane the task.

Only at the Academy can I be given the opportunity to totally immerse myself in the culture of the navy. I have seen first hand the type of people that are officers in the Navy and I want to be like them. While hockey has helped to develop me as a teammate, the Academy is the best place for me to develop as an officer.
 
Lookin good man. Just some thoughts:

I learn best from action and at the Academy ... some may come close, but they cannot match the experiences that the Academy has to offer.

And last paragraph, cap Navy.

Just my $.02, Gl getting in man!
 
Personal Statement.

Can I email someone my personal statement to review it? I think I drafted a good copy so far. I would like some feedback before I submit it to the board. I am doing one for LDO.

V/R

IT1(SW)
 
NavyPO1 said:
Can I email someone my personal statement to review it? I think I drafted a good copy so far. I would like some feedback before I submit it to the board. I am doing one for LDO.

V/R

IT1(SW)
Click to expand...

IT1,

Send me a PM. I would be more than happy to give you some feedback.

R/

LT
 
Here is the first draft for my Motivational Statement. Please give me your much appreciated constructive criticism. Thanks in advance!

Becoming a Naval Officer is important to me because of my strong desire to lead this country’s finest ambassadors. I truly believe I have what it takes to make a definitive difference in the world. Among many reasons, I joined the U.S. Navy in 2003 in honor of my grandfather, a fellow Sailor. Although he is not with us now, his pride in the rich heritage of the Navy has made an indelible impression on me. My grandfather meant the world to me. While serving in the U.S. Navy as an enlisted Sailor I was able gain a wealth of knowledge that was directly attributed to the endless learning opportunities afforded to me.


Since my separation from active duty, I am a full time student at Strayer University, pursuing a degree in Business Administration. My academic achievements have garnered recognition on the Honor Roll and the Dean’s List, while working full time. Although I am proud of my civilian work experience, it has not fulfilled my desire to be apart of something special. As a government contractor I have been able to serve my country. It also has afforded me the opportunity to stay connected to the military and grow from the espirit de corps, honor and integrity the Navy personifies. I've gleaned invaluable management and goal setting principles from the junior and senior personnel that mentored me during my enlistment. In fact, I'm using much of what I've learned still today.

It will be my aim to mentor and enable Sailors I come in contact with to obtain a "big picture" perspective of their service to the Navy and the country. I want them to know their importance as it relates to the overall mission no matter how small makes a big difference, whether it be stripping and waxing the deck or walking the trash to the pier. This inspiration has been drawn from my previous Executive Officer with Strike Fighter Squadron Three Four, Commander Scott Knapp.

Aside from supporting my family, my personal interest in being commissioned is to gain the managerial, financial, and inventory experience offered by the Supply Corps as it mirrors much of the disciplines I'm studying as I pursue my Bachelor Degree in Business Administration with a major in Management. I know the Navy core values and hold them close to my heart, and it is my hope that the Navy will grant me the opportunity to serve my country again among the ranks of the greatest Supply Corps Officers.
 
Ventilee said:
Alright, spruced it up a bit, added a short ending(I am at the limit for space now). Have it at and please tell me about any mistakes you see, or something that could be better.

(Your statement)
Click to expand...

Still lots of grammatical errors. Recommend you get a college teacher's eye on this before you go smooth with it in your packet.

- over use of the dreaded hyphen
- conspicuous omission of semicolons where needed
- dangling modifiers and prepositional phrases
 
sadjsd05 said:
Here is the first draft for my Motivational Statement. Please give me your much appreciated constructive criticism. Thanks in advance!

Becoming a Naval Officer is important to me because of my strong desire to lead this country’s finest ambassadors. I truly believe I have what it takes to make a definitive difference in the world. Among many reasons, I joined the U.S. Navy in 2003 in honor of my grandfather, a fellow Sailor. Although he is not with us now, his pride in the rich heritage of the Navy has made an indelible impression on me. My grandfather meant the world to me. While serving in the U.S. Navy as an enlisted Sailor I was able gain a wealth of knowledge that was directly attributed to the endless learning opportunities afforded to me.


Since my separation from active duty, I am a full time student at Strayer University, pursuing a degree in Business Administration. My academic achievements have garnered recognition on the Honor Roll and the Dean’s List, while working full time. Although I am proud of my civilian work experience, it has not fulfilled my desire to be apart of something special. As a government contractor I have been able to serve my country. It also has afforded me the opportunity to stay connected to the military and grow from the espirit de corps, honor and integrity the Navy personifies. I've gleaned invaluable management and goal setting principles from the junior and senior personnel that mentored me during my enlistment. In fact, I'm using much of what I've learned still today.

It will be my aim to mentor and enable Sailors I come in contact with to obtain a "big picture" perspective of their service to the Navy and the country. I want them to know their importance as it relates to the overall mission no matter how small makes a big difference, whether it be stripping and waxing the deck or walking the trash to the pier. This inspiration has been drawn from my previous Executive Officer with Strike Fighter Squadron Three Four, Commander Scott Knapp.

Aside from supporting my family, my personal interest in being commissioned is to gain the managerial, financial, and inventory experience offered by the Supply Corps as it mirrors much of the disciplines I'm studying as I pursue my Bachelor Degree in Business Administration with a major in Management. I know the Navy core values and hold them close to my heart, and it is my hope that the Navy will grant me the opportunity to serve my country again among the ranks of the greatest Supply Corps Officers.
Click to expand...

I think the word sailor is a better word choice than ambassador. It is implied that we are ambassadors, but we don't necessarily ever reference our selves as such. it sounds like you want to lead people filling attache billets or something. You may also want to include that statement with the paragraph about actually leading sailors. It seems a little out of place in the first paragraph. Ex. I have a strong desire to lead the country's finest sailors. It will be my aim to etc...
 
Need clarification

Some of you mention your statements needing to be about 400 words. My application has 2 parts. The 1st part is divided into 3 sections: 1)Reasons for applying, 2)Goals 3) Strengths and characteristics. The 2nd part is on the Core Values. The 1st part says to make it 200-250 words for each section. So I interpreted this to be at least 200 for each topic, for a total of at least 600 words on the 1st part. This has been a struggle for me, and now that my draft is over a page long, and still doesn't meet 600 words, I'm thinking that I might have misinterpreted the instructions. Any of you out there who have actually made it through the process and know how long this is suppose to be?
 
Bandita, it will depend on which application you are completing and for which program you are applying. I'm applying for BDCP and my application says 400 words or less.
 
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