Motivational Statement MEGA Thread

[Autoace]

Please let me know what you guys think..........


For years I have known that I would serve in the United States military. I view the Navy as a way to better my future and myself. Serving as a naval officer would help me to take on a career which would undoubtedly allow all of my best qualities to shine. These are the qualities of dedication, hard work, pride, and honor, which have defined my family and a military tradition that began over 60 years ago.
My father is a naval officer, his father was a naval officer, and my grandfather’s brother gave his life during WWII. Having been brought up in a military family, I have experienced the sacrifices required of not only military personnel, but also their families. Not only do I consider military service to be a rite of passage in my family, but am highly motivated to continue a tradition of devoted naval officers. I have spent a great deal of time thinking of other reasons why I wish to serve. It is my longstanding desire to defend my country and serve others. After traveling and living abroad I see the opportunities and rights that are not available to others around the world. These rights are those that many Americans take for granted and only a select few are willing to stand up to defend. The question is, ‘What do I have to offer the Navy?’ Since the age of eighteen, I have worked fulltime, put myself through school, and lived on my own. My ability to work hard and take on responsibilities is unquestionably evident. At school my interpersonal and communication skills, as well as my desire to work well with others, are above par. The fact that I work in a hospital is further evidence of my commitment to helping people. I consider myself a leader who gives my best effort in all of my endeavors.
In closing, I understand that becoming a naval officer is something not
easily attained. I also understand that with this title comes a responsibility to set an example for others. Acting as a representative of the United States and what it stands for is a privilege and challenge that I strongly desire. With the blessing of the naval officer selection board I would like to concentrate all of my efforts on attaining this goal, and after doing so, serve my country proudly in the United States Navy.


Good to go????

-AA-

 

[sonicboom]

I have been involved in numerous clubs and organizations where I've seen first hand how effective and influential great leadership can be, and I believe that these experiences will be of benefit to me in future leadership roles.

Thanks srqwho...that sounds like a good way to avoid drawing attention to a lack of experience while simaltaneously recognizing effective leadership qualities. Thanks to all who responded.:icon_tong

 

[sonicboom]

Please let me know what you guys think..........-AA-

autorace, I couldn´t help but think as I read your statement that i was reading my own, which may mean that I´m also awesome, or that your statement is too generic, or we´re all very similar wannabees. at any rate, it sounds good. best of luck. which board are you applying for?

 

[jorgelito]

Motivational Statment: My Turn

Hey fellas, I thought I would throw my essay into the ring for review.

Motivational Statement

[FONT=&quot]It has always been a dream of mine to serve in our great nation’s Armed Forces, especially in the Navy. Moreover, military service has been my family’s tradition. With both grandfather’s serving as Colonels in the R.O.C. Army and Air Force respectively, and my Uncle George, for whom I am named after, serving as an Air Force pilot, I too, wanted to carry on our family tradition of service in defense of freedom and liberty. Though I wanted to follow in my family footsteps and become a pilot, I ultimately chose to embark on a different path in the US Navy. It is my desire to serve as a Naval Intelligence Officer. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]My training and education as a Political Science-International Relations and History double-major at UCLA, coupled with my years of international travel and cultural experience, is an asset to the Navy Intelligence community. At UCLA, I developed my critical thinking and analysis skills studying a broad range of topics such as Counter Terrorism, Game Theory, Foreign Relations, Modern Iran, Middle East Conflicts, and History of War & Diplomacy to name a few. In addition to material knowledge, I have accumulated unique and interesting experiences in my years of traveling and living abroad such as my trip to the Lebanese border during the Israeli-Lebanese Conflict in 2006, visit to the West Bank and befriending the locals in Egypt, lending me new insights and different perspectives to different cultures. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]As a natural leader, I believe I uphold the core values of Honor, Courage, and Commitment integral to a Navy Officer on a daily basis and do my upmost to instill these values in others around me. For example, during my tenure as a basketball coach, I demonstrated “Commitment” to the team by participating in drills and exercises during practice despite having my arm in a sling while recovering from surgery. Furthermore, I insisted that our team exhibit “Honor” to ourselves, our opponent, and our sport at each and every game through courteous interactions with the referees and displays of good sportsmanship in acknowledgment of the other team. Last but not least, “Courage” is not absence of fear, but rather, persevering on and moving forward despite that fear. Although our team was vastly undersized, I reminded them that despite our size differential, we had other virtues such as speed, trust, tenacity, intelligence, and a deep bench. While working with the forwards and centers, I counseled my players to not be afraid of bigger men but to step up and gain a better position, to utilize what we did have not what we didn’t. That year, my team rewarded my coaching with a trip to the playoffs, taking us from a 0-4 season the previous year, to a 5-2 record. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]These experiences, combined with my training and education exemplify the “whole person” concept sought out by the Navy. I believe I can make a positive contribution to the Navy as an Intelligence Officer and possess the necessary qualities for a successful career. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Thank you.[/FONT]

Ok, fire at will!

 

[a-6intruder]

Actually one of the better ones I've seen recently.

Only things I would change is that you need to spell out R.O.C. (my acronym might be different than yours), and in the context you are writing, "grandfathers" is plural, not possessive, so ditch the apostrophe.

 

[Mumbles]

I concur with A-6s....excellent letter jorge.

 

[LazersGoPEWPEW]

"I ultimately choose" instead of "I ultimately chose"

or "I ultimately have chosen"

It reads like you are already in the Navy with your version.

Also maybe change the "in the Navy" to "with the Navy"

My .02

 

[sonicboom]

Jorge,

Nice letter on the whole, very personal, but I would leave out mentioning that you're named after your Uncle George...not important...and I would take out of some of the length about basketball. It's relevant but rather a bit long. I appreciate your whole person approach, and I think your studies and travels will be very relevant. Start learning Arabic and you're a shoe-in!

suerte

 

[jorgelito]

Gentlemen, thank you for all your constructive advice. I have made all the changes you have suggested and feel the statement improved.

Thank you again for your time and efforts. I would leave rep for you all but I don't think I have any but when I do, I will.

 

[tshort]

Motivational Statement

This is my motivational statement for my application to Navy OCS. Previous to this I went to USMC OCS and did not make it through. I was told by my recruiter that I would have to address this some how. I would appreciate any imput on whether I did this well enough.

It has always been a goal of mine to become a naval officer. Previous to this I attended Marine Corps OCS. However due to bad luck with injuries and my own mistakes I failed and was sent home early. Shortly afterwards I realized that a civilian job would be unfufilling and I must reapply. This time however I would prefer to go into the Navy. This is because the Navy maintains the same valuse of Honor, Courage, Commitment but also plays a larger maritime role. I understand how important the Navy is in a world so dependent on international commerce. I also realize how necessary a role navies have played in the past in a nations ability to win wars. I would like nothing more than to follow in the legacy of mariners of the past like Sir Francis Drake, Lord Admiral Nelson and John Paul Jones. As well as keeping in tradition with my grandfather who served as a Naval officer in World War Two.
I believe that I offer experience in leadership and responsibility to the navy through jobs and positions I have held. In college I worked as a lifeguard where I was responsible for saving lives. I also worked as head busser at Delta Gamma Sorority where I managed six employees under me, and as philantrophy chair for my fraternity, Delta Tau Delta, I organized events and fundraisers to support various charities.
After college I worked at LA fitness as a sales manager where my sales team worked in establishing corporate and individual sales, marketing contacts and maintaining customer realtions. I also worked as a substitute teacher where I learned to manage a room full of high school students.
In my travels abroad I learned that the freedom and prosperity that Americans enjoy should not be taken for granted. I also realized that American influence brings freedom and prosperity to places that need it. This makes me proud to be an American. As an American I want to play my part, and I believe the best way to do this is as a Naval Officer.
~Any imput is appreciated, thanks.

 

[lmnop]

You've got some work to do. Here's my 'imput':

1. Punctuation, spelling and grammatically correct sentences are your friend.

2. You mention that you offer 'experience in leadership', but you don't give a single example. Emphasize leadership contributions, not things that you've managed..they're different.

Do a search and you'll find a whole bunch of personal statements which you might be able to draw from to get on the right track. My perception of your statement is that it's half-assed and you put little effort into it. That's not the perception you want from those reviewing your application.

 

[CaptainRon]

This needs a lot of work man. I would not count on anonymous strangers on a website to help you, however. Get somebody who is close to you with great writing skills to help you make it perfect. You do not want ANY mistakes.

 

[OUSOONER]

Play to your strengths..if you're going to tell them you didn't get through MARINE OCS...find a way to spin a positive out of it. What lessons did you learn? If any? Starting off negatively, whoever is reading your statement will be wrestling with the question, "Why did he not make it through OCS?"....If you even want to talk about this, I would ease it in and make a negative into a positive.

Plus, attention needs to be paid to the grammar and sentence structure. Like, Kurt Russell before me said, have someone take a look at it, or take it to your University writing lab, they would be happy to help you.

 

[tshort]

Thanks for youre imput guys I will do my best to improve it.

 

[CaptainRon]

Yeah man. The little things like "youre" and "imput" would be a killer for an essay. You really gotta work on that, as harsh as it sounds.