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Motivational Statement MEGA Thread
- Thread starter FSF17
- Start date
Nice work. I have a few minor suggestions.
Paragraph 3: delete opening words “Despite my youth…” The selection committee expects you to be young and these words appear to highlight a perception of inexperience.
Paragraph 7: in the opening sentence delete the words “would hope to” and insert “will” so that it reads “I will apply my professional and governmental experience…” make it a positive implication rather than a hopeful aspiration. In the final sentence delete the words “in such a manner…” The idea is service, not a specific style or type of service. The board knows you want to be an Intel guy and those four little words make it sound like you want to serve, but only on your terms.
You can leave it as is and it should do well enough, but some minor tweaks will catch the readers eye.
Best of luck.
Paragraph 3: delete opening words “Despite my youth…” The selection committee expects you to be young and these words appear to highlight a perception of inexperience.
Paragraph 7: in the opening sentence delete the words “would hope to” and insert “will” so that it reads “I will apply my professional and governmental experience…” make it a positive implication rather than a hopeful aspiration. In the final sentence delete the words “in such a manner…” The idea is service, not a specific style or type of service. The board knows you want to be an Intel guy and those four little words make it sound like you want to serve, but only on your terms.
You can leave it as is and it should do well enough, but some minor tweaks will catch the readers eye.
Best of luck.
Thank you very much! Your suggestions are well taken; I will implement them before I send over my APSR.
Mr. Bentendo
Member
Hello all,
I would greatly appreciate some feedback on my motivational statement. I am applying for SWO.
Sex: Male
Age: 26
OAR: 45
Degree: Philosophy 2.9 GPA
PRT: Excellent
Interviews: O5/O5/O5
The privilege of commissioning as a Naval Officer is a feat I have sought after for years. I strongly desire to serve at the highest ranks the US Navy will afford me. I want to strengthen and refine my leadership skills, fortifying our great Navy in return. I want to give back what the Navy has given me.
Some of my personal goals include climbing Mt Fuji, learning Python, and getting married. My professional goals include earning a Master's degree, becoming a Department Head, and subsequently assuming the position of Commanding Officer.
I possess an ever-growing set of qualities that will make me a shining Naval Officer. I have a fine attention to detail, a fiery sense of readiness, and a powerful war-fighting spirit. I uplift the morale of others by finding the good in all things. My patience is enduring, and I always remain calm and undaunted, even under the most demanding of circumstances. I motivate others and keep my Shipmates grounded. I communicate effectively and I am always moving towards success. I strive to improve myself and my surroundings.
The opportunity to serve as an Electronics Technician has been uniquely challenging. I wish to challenge myself even further by accepting the commitment of life as a Surface Warfare Officer. I want to enhance TEAMWORK through leadership. I want to dominate the seas and our adversaries. I want to command at sea. I want to continue to dedicate my life to the world's finest Navy.
Personally I think my statement is rather short. I also don't really touch on any leadership achievements. I attempted to keep it relatively simple and to address the bullet points listed. It's possible I'm using too many "I" statements. This also may sound too "SWO-tivated". I would really love to hear constructive criticism on my statement. Thank you very much!
I would greatly appreciate some feedback on my motivational statement. I am applying for SWO.
Sex: Male
Age: 26
OAR: 45
Degree: Philosophy 2.9 GPA
PRT: Excellent
Interviews: O5/O5/O5
The privilege of commissioning as a Naval Officer is a feat I have sought after for years. I strongly desire to serve at the highest ranks the US Navy will afford me. I want to strengthen and refine my leadership skills, fortifying our great Navy in return. I want to give back what the Navy has given me.
Some of my personal goals include climbing Mt Fuji, learning Python, and getting married. My professional goals include earning a Master's degree, becoming a Department Head, and subsequently assuming the position of Commanding Officer.
I possess an ever-growing set of qualities that will make me a shining Naval Officer. I have a fine attention to detail, a fiery sense of readiness, and a powerful war-fighting spirit. I uplift the morale of others by finding the good in all things. My patience is enduring, and I always remain calm and undaunted, even under the most demanding of circumstances. I motivate others and keep my Shipmates grounded. I communicate effectively and I am always moving towards success. I strive to improve myself and my surroundings.
The opportunity to serve as an Electronics Technician has been uniquely challenging. I wish to challenge myself even further by accepting the commitment of life as a Surface Warfare Officer. I want to enhance TEAMWORK through leadership. I want to dominate the seas and our adversaries. I want to command at sea. I want to continue to dedicate my life to the world's finest Navy.
Personally I think my statement is rather short. I also don't really touch on any leadership achievements. I attempted to keep it relatively simple and to address the bullet points listed. It's possible I'm using too many "I" statements. This also may sound too "SWO-tivated". I would really love to hear constructive criticism on my statement. Thank you very much!
exNavyOffRec
Well-Known Member
Who have you led, how many have you led, and what did they accomplish while you led them. That is what you need to focus on, they take minimal time for each application you need to make it count.
Mr. Bentendo
Member
exNavyOffRec,
I've added a small paragraph on what you suggested. It's difficult to fit the words. Do civilians get more space than AD to type? Regardless, please let me know what you think. I'm curious, is it unprofessional to include CAPS? Thank you very much for your time.
--------
The privilege of commissioning as a Naval Officer is a feat I have sought after for years. I strongly desire to serve at the highest ranks the US Navy will afford me. I want to strengthen and refine my leadership skills, fortifying our great Navy in return. I want to give back what the Navy has given me.
Some of my personal goals include climbing Mt Fuji, learning Python, and getting married. My professional goals include earning a Master's degree, becoming a Department Head, and subsequently assuming the position of Commanding Officer.
I possess an ever-growing set of qualities that will make me a shining Naval Officer. I have a fine attention to detail, a fiery sense of readiness, and a powerful war-fighting spirit. I uplift the morale of others by finding the good in all things. My patience is enduring, and I always remain calm and undaunted, even under the most demanding of circumstances. I motivate others and keep my Shipmates grounded. I communicate effectively and I am always moving towards success. I strive to improve myself and my surroundings.
My favorite leadership opportunity thus far has been being a work center supervisor. I lead 4 phenomenal Sailors in the areas of RADAR/NAV. Through procedural compliance, extreme ownership, and planning ahead, my work center sets the standards of success. From weatherproofing equipment to handling WSN-7 and SPS-67 CASREPs, I lead and support my team ALWAYS!
The opportunity to serve as an Electronics Technician has been uniquely challenging. I wish to challenge myself even further by accepting the commitment of life as a Surface Warfare Officer. I want to enhance TEAMWORK through leadership. I want to dominate the seas and our adversaries. I want to command at sea. I want to continue to dedicate my life to the world's finest Navy.
Mr. Bentendo
Member
I have revised my statement again. Just the fourth paragraph.
The privilege of commissioning as a Naval Officer is a feat I have sought after for years. I strongly desire to serve at the highest ranks the US Navy will afford me. I want to strengthen and refine my leadership skills, fortifying our great Navy in return. I want to give back what the Navy has given me.
Some of my personal goals include climbing Mt Fuji, learning Python, and getting married. My professional goals include earning a Master's degree, becoming a Department Head, and subsequently assuming the position of Commanding Officer.
I possess an ever-growing set of qualities that will make me a shining Naval Officer. I have a fine attention to detail, a fiery sense of readiness, and a powerful war-fighting spirit. I uplift the morale of others by finding the good in all things. My patience is enduring, and I always remain calm and undaunted, even under the most demanding of circumstances. I motivate others and keep my Shipmates grounded. I communicate effectively and I am always moving towards success. I strive to improve myself and my surroundings.
I lead 4 phenomenal Sailors in the areas of RADAR/NAV. Through procedural compliance, extreme ownership, and planning ahead, my work center sets the standards for success. From weatherproofing equipment to handling WSN-7 and SPS-67 CASREPs, I lead and support my team to ensure maximum operational readiness in 7th Fleet. I lead well every direction.
The opportunity to serve as an Electronics Technician has been uniquely challenging. I wish to challenge myself even further by accepting the commitment of life as a Surface Warfare Officer. I want to enhance TEAMWORK through leadership. I want to dominate the seas and our adversaries. I want to command at sea. I want to continue to dedicate my life to the world's finest Navy.
The privilege of commissioning as a Naval Officer is a feat I have sought after for years. I strongly desire to serve at the highest ranks the US Navy will afford me. I want to strengthen and refine my leadership skills, fortifying our great Navy in return. I want to give back what the Navy has given me.
Some of my personal goals include climbing Mt Fuji, learning Python, and getting married. My professional goals include earning a Master's degree, becoming a Department Head, and subsequently assuming the position of Commanding Officer.
I possess an ever-growing set of qualities that will make me a shining Naval Officer. I have a fine attention to detail, a fiery sense of readiness, and a powerful war-fighting spirit. I uplift the morale of others by finding the good in all things. My patience is enduring, and I always remain calm and undaunted, even under the most demanding of circumstances. I motivate others and keep my Shipmates grounded. I communicate effectively and I am always moving towards success. I strive to improve myself and my surroundings.
I lead 4 phenomenal Sailors in the areas of RADAR/NAV. Through procedural compliance, extreme ownership, and planning ahead, my work center sets the standards for success. From weatherproofing equipment to handling WSN-7 and SPS-67 CASREPs, I lead and support my team to ensure maximum operational readiness in 7th Fleet. I lead well every direction.
The opportunity to serve as an Electronics Technician has been uniquely challenging. I wish to challenge myself even further by accepting the commitment of life as a Surface Warfare Officer. I want to enhance TEAMWORK through leadership. I want to dominate the seas and our adversaries. I want to command at sea. I want to continue to dedicate my life to the world's finest Navy.
Greetings All,
I've been doing my research from past applicants that were selected and reviewed their statements specifically for SWO. Some statements differ from others but I tried to incorporate bits of everything from selected applicants using my experiences. I would greatly appreciate any feedback for my motivational statement, thank you in advance.
Applying for SWO
Sex: Male
Age: 28
OAR: 44
Prior Service: Yes
GPA: 3.5
Degree: Business Administration
------------------------------------
I still recall the moments when I first arrived in America, to revisit these memories strengthens my fervor and determination for success as a first-generation Filipino American. My brother just finished crying and I clutched on to my mother's strong grip as we walked across the passenger boarding bridge. At the end of the tunnel, I saw my father look at me, stagnant while exuding a peculiar presence I have never felt before, finally letting off a gentle smile as he embraced us in our new home. It was not until later in my life I realized why he looked at me the way he did. He explained to me that it was the idea of opportunity, it was this idea deeply rooted by our forefathers that the American dream was achievable through courage, ambition, and plainly put - hard work. Each of these traits have been deeply embedded into my character from my parents and their kin before them. I have applied this ethos throughout my journey in life and finally I have reached the moment that will truly test my spirit. To become a Surface Warfare Officer in the most powerful navy in the world is not only a lifelong dream but a culmination of resolution and commitment to myself and my ancestors before me that will be proven if selected for the opportunity.
I have sought out the challenge to develop my skills and leadership traits through the Marine Corps. At 17 years old, I enlisted in the world's most elite fighting force and have served my country for seven years. During my time in the Marines, I have experienced hardships, growth, success, but more importantly, failure. A misstep in the Marine Corps meant a deficiency in our way of life, something that was immediately corrected but was cultivated upon. My experience has taught me that the most important lessons in life will be failure, it is whether choosing to accept it, do nothing about it or challenge yourself and learn from it. It was through failure and guidance from the Marine Corps I established my resiliency and the experience to lead at the front by example. As a leader of Marines, I quickly took an affinity to the obligation I had for the Marines that looked towards me for answers every day. I could not let them down; I honed my leadership skills and was driven by the motivating young men and women I was honored to call my Marines. After earning a meritorious promotion to Sergeant, I knew then that hard work was not the main component to success in our military. Rather, it was the devotion to our people, our Marines, the genuine and conscientious effort to put my Marines welfare before my own. Through deployments, being overseas, under rigorous conditions, every day in the Marine Corps was a new day. Every day was the opportunity to become better, the opportunity my father spoke of.
My time in the Marine Corps has ended, I felt that my life had been battle tested, but I was severely wrong as I have gained so much more experience and wisdom as a veteran. After all this high operational tempo, experience, and responsibility, I attended college with a purpose to further educate myself and pursue my dream to become a Naval Officer. Now, graduating as a cum laude in under three years, the opportunity my forefathers spoke of is within my grasp. Earning a commission in the United States Navy would help me become the leader I feel I was destined to be. I am ready to be challenged even further in my life and serve my country again who I am indebted to for all the opportunities. I will excel as a Naval Officer; I have the desire to inspire sailors to better themselves and serve our country with the utmost professionalism. To earn the Surface Warfare Officer designator, join the ranks of historic exemplary leaders, and become the backbone of fleet leadership in the Navy would be the most honorable choice I will ever make, it is THE opportunity I have been looking for all my life. Thank you.
I've been doing my research from past applicants that were selected and reviewed their statements specifically for SWO. Some statements differ from others but I tried to incorporate bits of everything from selected applicants using my experiences. I would greatly appreciate any feedback for my motivational statement, thank you in advance.
Applying for SWO
Sex: Male
Age: 28
OAR: 44
Prior Service: Yes
GPA: 3.5
Degree: Business Administration
------------------------------------
I still recall the moments when I first arrived in America, to revisit these memories strengthens my fervor and determination for success as a first-generation Filipino American. My brother just finished crying and I clutched on to my mother's strong grip as we walked across the passenger boarding bridge. At the end of the tunnel, I saw my father look at me, stagnant while exuding a peculiar presence I have never felt before, finally letting off a gentle smile as he embraced us in our new home. It was not until later in my life I realized why he looked at me the way he did. He explained to me that it was the idea of opportunity, it was this idea deeply rooted by our forefathers that the American dream was achievable through courage, ambition, and plainly put - hard work. Each of these traits have been deeply embedded into my character from my parents and their kin before them. I have applied this ethos throughout my journey in life and finally I have reached the moment that will truly test my spirit. To become a Surface Warfare Officer in the most powerful navy in the world is not only a lifelong dream but a culmination of resolution and commitment to myself and my ancestors before me that will be proven if selected for the opportunity.
I have sought out the challenge to develop my skills and leadership traits through the Marine Corps. At 17 years old, I enlisted in the world's most elite fighting force and have served my country for seven years. During my time in the Marines, I have experienced hardships, growth, success, but more importantly, failure. A misstep in the Marine Corps meant a deficiency in our way of life, something that was immediately corrected but was cultivated upon. My experience has taught me that the most important lessons in life will be failure, it is whether choosing to accept it, do nothing about it or challenge yourself and learn from it. It was through failure and guidance from the Marine Corps I established my resiliency and the experience to lead at the front by example. As a leader of Marines, I quickly took an affinity to the obligation I had for the Marines that looked towards me for answers every day. I could not let them down; I honed my leadership skills and was driven by the motivating young men and women I was honored to call my Marines. After earning a meritorious promotion to Sergeant, I knew then that hard work was not the main component to success in our military. Rather, it was the devotion to our people, our Marines, the genuine and conscientious effort to put my Marines welfare before my own. Through deployments, being overseas, under rigorous conditions, every day in the Marine Corps was a new day. Every day was the opportunity to become better, the opportunity my father spoke of.
My time in the Marine Corps has ended, I felt that my life had been battle tested, but I was severely wrong as I have gained so much more experience and wisdom as a veteran. After all this high operational tempo, experience, and responsibility, I attended college with a purpose to further educate myself and pursue my dream to become a Naval Officer. Now, graduating as a cum laude in under three years, the opportunity my forefathers spoke of is within my grasp. Earning a commission in the United States Navy would help me become the leader I feel I was destined to be. I am ready to be challenged even further in my life and serve my country again who I am indebted to for all the opportunities. I will excel as a Naval Officer; I have the desire to inspire sailors to better themselves and serve our country with the utmost professionalism. To earn the Surface Warfare Officer designator, join the ranks of historic exemplary leaders, and become the backbone of fleet leadership in the Navy would be the most honorable choice I will ever make, it is THE opportunity I have been looking for all my life. Thank you.
feedback29
Member
Airwarriors,
Down below is my moto statement for SWO Application. Please comment/criticize what I need to improve on. Thank you!
I am Frank Sicily, a former Hospital Corpsman and an Air Force Emergency Manager. I joined the US Navy immediately after high school. I spent about 5 years with the Navy before switching over to the Air Force to become an Emergency Manager. I spent a little over 6 years with the Air Force as I got my bachelor’s degree. After my graduation, I decided to return to the Navy and pursue becoming a Surface Warfare Officer which has always been my dream since the day I enlisted in the Navy.
I’ve always wanted to become a Surface Warfare Officer because I’ve always wanted to lead, motivate, and take care of our sailors. After being enlisted for combined 11 years with 2 military branches, I have had the experience of taking younger sailors and airmen under my wing and guide them to the right direction of a great military personnel, whether it be writing an evaluation report, operating an equipment/doing a task in a much safer and efficient way, finding out where to find the right information, teaching them public speaking, learn about self-improvement, going to college, volunteerism, and more. I believe that making sure your team is motivated and taken care of is one of the most rewarding jobs one could ever have as you tend to help them reach their goals and aspirations as the team makes sure the job gets done in a safe and timely manner. I also believe that finishing a mission or a goal with your team as an officer is one of the best feelings in the world; One could compare this feeling to leading a team to an NBA Championship or an NFL Superbowl. Additionally, every member of that team puts their own efforts to get the team to this level and rightfully so, everyone gets to enjoy their accomplishments which then brings the morale up overall. It’s a win-win situation for everyone after all. Lastly, I want to be an example to my daughter that anyone can reach their dreams if they work hard, work smart, consistent, and persistent about their dreams no matter how long it takes them.
Not only am I a prior enlisted veteran, but I am much more than that. I have gone through Field Medical Training Battalion where I had to learn to be a Hospital Corpsman for the US Marines and learn their way life and culture. After that, I became a Safety Officer for the Navy Cargo Handling Battalion where I briefed our sailors regarding safe operations and provide medical attention if needed. Then, I switched to US Air Force to become an Emergency Manager. As an Emergency Manager, I had to learn to cooperate, coordinate, and communicate with other leaderships, stakeholders, and other representatives which are necessary for an effective leader. Moreover, I learned how to lead and instruct various classes whether its NBC Operations, teaching the local population about emergency preparedness, and more. I knew public speaking or leading a class as skills would be needed to be a compelling leader. Additionally, being stationed in Japan, working close with United States Forces Japan (USFJ) and Japan Self-Defense Air Force (JSDAF) brought out my unit’s “A” game to prove that we deserved to work alongside with high-ranking officials and international partners. My team and I showed USFJ that we can plan an evacuation route for the base populace at a undisclosed location and showed JSDAF our response capabilities before 2020/2021 Tokyo Olympics just in case an emergency was to occur. Moreover, during Yokota AB Covid Operations, I lead the Emergency Management Planning Section with 2 other airmen where we mapped out the locations of potential and positive COVID patients, document the plans for the week, and plan for post-working hours emergency care for patients. Lastly, I have volunteered more than 700 hours combined with United Service Organizations (USO) and American Red Cross with operations of taking care of 80,000 military personnel and their families and saving 5,000 lives from Red Cross Blood Drives. With all these volunteer efforts, I earned the “President’s Volunteer Service Award”. I also earned my associates degree in Emergency Management which then became a factor for my 2 consecutive Group Airman of the quarter and eventual Group Airman of the year for 2018 at Hill AFB. All these lessons, experiences, and knowledge are what I am planning to bring in my return to the Navy when I become a Surface Warfare Officer. Moreover, I plan on furthering my leadership skills and knowledge by continuing my volunteerism, serving other people whether in or out of the uniform, and giving back to the country that had made me the man I am.
Down below is my moto statement for SWO Application. Please comment/criticize what I need to improve on. Thank you!
I am Frank Sicily, a former Hospital Corpsman and an Air Force Emergency Manager. I joined the US Navy immediately after high school. I spent about 5 years with the Navy before switching over to the Air Force to become an Emergency Manager. I spent a little over 6 years with the Air Force as I got my bachelor’s degree. After my graduation, I decided to return to the Navy and pursue becoming a Surface Warfare Officer which has always been my dream since the day I enlisted in the Navy.
I’ve always wanted to become a Surface Warfare Officer because I’ve always wanted to lead, motivate, and take care of our sailors. After being enlisted for combined 11 years with 2 military branches, I have had the experience of taking younger sailors and airmen under my wing and guide them to the right direction of a great military personnel, whether it be writing an evaluation report, operating an equipment/doing a task in a much safer and efficient way, finding out where to find the right information, teaching them public speaking, learn about self-improvement, going to college, volunteerism, and more. I believe that making sure your team is motivated and taken care of is one of the most rewarding jobs one could ever have as you tend to help them reach their goals and aspirations as the team makes sure the job gets done in a safe and timely manner. I also believe that finishing a mission or a goal with your team as an officer is one of the best feelings in the world; One could compare this feeling to leading a team to an NBA Championship or an NFL Superbowl. Additionally, every member of that team puts their own efforts to get the team to this level and rightfully so, everyone gets to enjoy their accomplishments which then brings the morale up overall. It’s a win-win situation for everyone after all. Lastly, I want to be an example to my daughter that anyone can reach their dreams if they work hard, work smart, consistent, and persistent about their dreams no matter how long it takes them.
Not only am I a prior enlisted veteran, but I am much more than that. I have gone through Field Medical Training Battalion where I had to learn to be a Hospital Corpsman for the US Marines and learn their way life and culture. After that, I became a Safety Officer for the Navy Cargo Handling Battalion where I briefed our sailors regarding safe operations and provide medical attention if needed. Then, I switched to US Air Force to become an Emergency Manager. As an Emergency Manager, I had to learn to cooperate, coordinate, and communicate with other leaderships, stakeholders, and other representatives which are necessary for an effective leader. Moreover, I learned how to lead and instruct various classes whether its NBC Operations, teaching the local population about emergency preparedness, and more. I knew public speaking or leading a class as skills would be needed to be a compelling leader. Additionally, being stationed in Japan, working close with United States Forces Japan (USFJ) and Japan Self-Defense Air Force (JSDAF) brought out my unit’s “A” game to prove that we deserved to work alongside with high-ranking officials and international partners. My team and I showed USFJ that we can plan an evacuation route for the base populace at a undisclosed location and showed JSDAF our response capabilities before 2020/2021 Tokyo Olympics just in case an emergency was to occur. Moreover, during Yokota AB Covid Operations, I lead the Emergency Management Planning Section with 2 other airmen where we mapped out the locations of potential and positive COVID patients, document the plans for the week, and plan for post-working hours emergency care for patients. Lastly, I have volunteered more than 700 hours combined with United Service Organizations (USO) and American Red Cross with operations of taking care of 80,000 military personnel and their families and saving 5,000 lives from Red Cross Blood Drives. With all these volunteer efforts, I earned the “President’s Volunteer Service Award”. I also earned my associates degree in Emergency Management which then became a factor for my 2 consecutive Group Airman of the quarter and eventual Group Airman of the year for 2018 at Hill AFB. All these lessons, experiences, and knowledge are what I am planning to bring in my return to the Navy when I become a Surface Warfare Officer. Moreover, I plan on furthering my leadership skills and knowledge by continuing my volunteerism, serving other people whether in or out of the uniform, and giving back to the country that had made me the man I am.
exNavyOffRec
Well-Known Member
I think many of you are getting off track for your statements so instead of taking the time to respond to each one here are some general guidelines.
- Does the designator you are going for even care about the motivational statement? If aviation or nuke the answer is no, if SWO probably not, the rest probably yes.
- Is what you are writing about in another part of the application, if yes then why are you duplicating it?
- Is what you are writing relevant to what you will be doing? Expert at writing computer code great but not relevant to what you will do unless you are going CWE, climbed 8 mountains will make a great story but not relevant to what you will do unless you are going for SEAL.
- Everyone has a sob story and the board doesn't care, not relevant to how you will perform. If you want to talk about what your grandparent/parent/sibling/friends 2nd cousin's wife did in (insert war here) go down to the local VFW and tell stories there.
- College degree is also something they can see so no need to duplicate it and if it took only 3 years or 8 years to get the degree really doesn't matter as long as you did good. I have many stories how applicants did what they thought would be a good thing but it wasn't.
- Talking about the desire to serve, it is implied that you have a desire to serve as you are applying to be an officer, no need to talk about it.
Here are some things to focus on.
- Who have you led? If you led a team talk about how many you led, what the goal was and what you ended up achieving.
- Talk about something you improved at work. "I realized we were duplicating efforts in ...... I wrote a proposal that would save X time, X money and it was then put into use.
- Volunteering can be good if you quantify with data, especially if you led the group or were a key person.
- Doing something that helped bring a team together can be a good thing to talk about depending on what you did.
- Mentoring is a good thing to talk about and that can be for those that work for you, or talking about being a peer mentor, but also talk about the result.
There are too many times when in the military we have write awards, evals, etc..... and add all of this "fluff", there should be no "fluff" in the motivational statement, it should be to the point and backed up by facts and figures when you can.
In most cases they will look at your application for a few minutes or less, do you want them to focus on what Grandpa Joe did in WW2, or how you led a team of 20 people in the framing of a house for habitat for humanity completing the job 5 days ahead of schedule by understanding everyone's strengths which allowed you to put them where they would be the most useful.
- Does the designator you are going for even care about the motivational statement? If aviation or nuke the answer is no, if SWO probably not, the rest probably yes.
- Is what you are writing about in another part of the application, if yes then why are you duplicating it?
- Is what you are writing relevant to what you will be doing? Expert at writing computer code great but not relevant to what you will do unless you are going CWE, climbed 8 mountains will make a great story but not relevant to what you will do unless you are going for SEAL.
- Everyone has a sob story and the board doesn't care, not relevant to how you will perform. If you want to talk about what your grandparent/parent/sibling/friends 2nd cousin's wife did in (insert war here) go down to the local VFW and tell stories there.
- College degree is also something they can see so no need to duplicate it and if it took only 3 years or 8 years to get the degree really doesn't matter as long as you did good. I have many stories how applicants did what they thought would be a good thing but it wasn't.
- Talking about the desire to serve, it is implied that you have a desire to serve as you are applying to be an officer, no need to talk about it.
Here are some things to focus on.
- Who have you led? If you led a team talk about how many you led, what the goal was and what you ended up achieving.
- Talk about something you improved at work. "I realized we were duplicating efforts in ...... I wrote a proposal that would save X time, X money and it was then put into use.
- Volunteering can be good if you quantify with data, especially if you led the group or were a key person.
- Doing something that helped bring a team together can be a good thing to talk about depending on what you did.
- Mentoring is a good thing to talk about and that can be for those that work for you, or talking about being a peer mentor, but also talk about the result.
There are too many times when in the military we have write awards, evals, etc..... and add all of this "fluff", there should be no "fluff" in the motivational statement, it should be to the point and backed up by facts and figures when you can.
In most cases they will look at your application for a few minutes or less, do you want them to focus on what Grandpa Joe did in WW2, or how you led a team of 20 people in the framing of a house for habitat for humanity completing the job 5 days ahead of schedule by understanding everyone's strengths which allowed you to put them where they would be the most useful.
FormerRecruitingGuru
Making Recruiting Great Again
Along with what @exNavyOffRec said, you can remove the entire first paragraph. The board already knows who you are. Go direct into talking about why you want to serve and include personal (first and foremost) and team accomplishments.
You can google "sample navy OCS motivational statements" to find so many previously used ones. It doesn't have from the same OCS program (i.e SWO) to get the gist on how to write one.
mcwisconsin
Well-Known Member
For those of you that have reapplied… I originally went for SNA only for the October board. I will reapplying 1. SNA 2. SNFO for the May or July board.
What have you included on your motivational statement to indicate that your application has improved since you last applied? My OR is suggesting that I highlight graduating from college, as I’ll be done with undergrad in May. I’m not really sure what else to include, as I’m not retaking the ASTB. I was thinking about including an aspect of how I’ve physically improved, but tbh I don’t even know if the board will end up reading it.
I have another question, regarding letters of recommendation. One of my LOR is from an O-6 who highlights my career goals of becoming a pilot - he doesn’t mention anything about me wanting to be a NFO. Should I ask him to rewrite it, or will the board probably just not read it?
What have you included on your motivational statement to indicate that your application has improved since you last applied? My OR is suggesting that I highlight graduating from college, as I’ll be done with undergrad in May. I’m not really sure what else to include, as I’m not retaking the ASTB. I was thinking about including an aspect of how I’ve physically improved, but tbh I don’t even know if the board will end up reading it.
I have another question, regarding letters of recommendation. One of my LOR is from an O-6 who highlights my career goals of becoming a pilot - he doesn’t mention anything about me wanting to be a NFO. Should I ask him to rewrite it, or will the board probably just not read it?
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FormerRecruitingGuru
Making Recruiting Great Again
Did your college GPA improve? If so, I would use that.
Unless you’re an active duty enlisted applicant or applying for SEAL / EOD, physical fitness isn’t a metric that can be used here.
Concerning the LOR, unless you needed a drug / legal waiver odds are they wont be looked at by the board.
mcwisconsin
Well-Known Member
My GPA was a 3.71 when submitted my transcripts last summer. It’s now a 3.744… I haven’t decided yet I’ll submit my transcript as of Fall 2022, or if I’ll wait to submit my full transcript from when I graduate in May. I kind of want to just submit everything ASAP and then not worry about it until results are out. Would it come across as lazy or in bad taste if I did this? This is assuming that the May board is cancelled and that I apply for July.
Edit: for context: I graduate in May and will then be backpacking abroad for about a month… I don’t know when exactly The last day to submit material for the July board is, but I probably wouldn’t have time to after I graduate.
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exNavyOffRec
Well-Known Member
If you apply SNA and SNFO given the current situation you will with a great degree of probability be selected SNFO.