Motivational Statement MEGA Thread

[MilitaryHusbandFed]

Hoping to get some feedback on this. Been editing it and re-editing it for while. Let me know what improvements I can make.

______________________________________________

I have always strived to provide a better life for my family, my friends, and my country. I come from very humble beginnings in a lower middle-class family. I went straight to work full time to help my parents pay for their home. Once they were back on their feet I got married and started my education in Computer Science. I was working full time 60 hours a week and going to school full time. Balancing that schedule was difficult. During this time my wife developed breast cancer and I would also have to take her for treatments. I faced all adversity and I graduated with my degree. I still maintain my commitment to bettering myself and I'm pursuing my bachelor’s degree now and will be completing that shortly.



I have a commitment to excellence in all that I do. I execute on completing projects with precision and accuracy. I have been trusted to take up leadership positions in every company and federal office I have worked for. Through my coaching and leadership I have taken someone who was completely green in Information Technology & Cybersecurity and successfully trained them into experts. I want every person who works with me to achieve their potential and beyond. Seeing someone grow, learn, and become a respected expert is something that fills me with pride. Even in positions where I was a subordinate when things would break down and there was a lack of leadership and direction in times of crisis, I step in, take control of the situation, and guide the team to successful resolution of the issue that we would be facing. I have been tested and trusted to do this whether that be at the corporate level or inside of federal government agencies.



My family has a history of service to our country. My father severed with honor in Vietnam, My sister-in-law's Mother served in the Air Force, My wife is currently awaiting her Air Force BMT ship date. This is a tradition that I also want to continue. I want to provide a good example to my son that service to the country is an important value to uphold.



The Navy and I have been interacting for a while. I was going to be hired for the Navy AI program in San Diego however after my offer was made budget cuts occurred and it was rescinded. More recently I was to be hired by NAVWAR for a Cybersecurity position. It was an offer that I considered heavily. I thought about how my talents in Cloud, Cybersecurity and leadership abilities would best benefit the Navy. Working as a civilian at NAVWAR would allow me to serve the country but I know that I can live up to my full potential serving on the Military side. I want to be part of something greater than myself and be able to give the Navy the absolute best I have to offer and I know I can do so as a Navy officer. Becoming a Navy Officer will allow me to build teams that will become the forefront of defending our nation's cyber resources just like I have for the Department of Homeland Security. To train and lead teams that can identify threats like I did for the Department of Energy identifying the security hole in MoveIt in 2022, A warning they did not heed all the way up until I left that had disastrous results. I mention this in particular to show that I take a proactive approach in a realm where my peers are reactive. This is a value I instill in my teams and is something that the Navy needs in this new world where Warfare is not just fought with bullets and missiles but with bits and bytes as well.

My technical expertise and proven leadership under extremely stressful situations would be of great benefit to the Navy and allow me to give back to the country that has given much to my family. I wish to serve with every United States Sailor, I took an Oath to support and defend Constitution of the United States of America. In the Navy I will obey the orders of those appointed over me. I want to represent the fighting spirit of the Navy and those who have gone before me to defend freedom and democracy around the world. To proudly serve my country's Navy combat team with Honor, Courage, and Commitment. To continue my commitment to excellence and the fair treatment of all.



Thank you for taking the time to consider me for this great honor and I look forward to serving with all of you.

 

[MilitaryHusbandFed]

Revised version

I come from very humble beginnings in a lower middle-class family. They taught me the values of hard work, loyalty and helping others. I went straight to work full time at age 17 to help support my parents and pay for their home. I was working full time 60 hours a week and going to school full time. Balancing that schedule was difficult. However, I had a dedication to helping my struggling family. I faced great adversity but, I graduated with my degree. I still maintain my commitment to bettering myself and I'm pursuing my bachelor’s degree now and will be completing it shortly.

I have a commitment to excellence in all that I do. I execute on completing projects with precision and accuracy. I have been trusted to take up leadership positions in every company and federal office I have worked for. My leadership skills are recognized by the government agencies I worked with and, I have been placed as the Manager Architect for the ((Government office I work for)). There I manage their cloud infrastructure and cybersecurity teams. In my duties I lead audits of the House of Representatives, The Senate, and other various governmental bodies to ensure they are following the best practices for the cloud and their cybersecurity.

My family has a history of service to our country. My father severed with honor in Vietnam, My sister-in-law's Mother served in the Air Force, My wife is currently awaiting her Air Force BMT ship date. I have always wished to serve however due to life circumstances I was not able to when I was younger. However, this is a tradition that I also want to continue. I want to provide a good example to my son that service to the country is an important value to uphold. I am grateful to my wonderful recruiter ((recruiter name)) and the Navy for working with me on this amazing opportunity.

The Navy and I have been interacting for a while. I was going to be hired for the Navy AI program in San Diego however after my offer was made budget cuts occurred and it was rescinded. More recently I was to be hired by NAVWAR for a Cloud/Cybersecurity position. It was an offer that I considered heavily. I thought about how my talents in Cloud, Cybersecurity and leadership abilities would best benefit the Navy. Working as a civilian at NAVWAR would allow me to serve the country but I know that I can live up to my full potential serving on the Military side. I want to be part of something greater than myself and be able to give the Navy the absolute best I have to offer.

Becoming a Navy Officer will allow me to build teams that will become the forefront of defending our nation's cyber resources just like I have for the Department of Homeland Security. To train and lead teams that can identify threats like I did for the Department of Energy identifying the security hole in MoveIt in 2022, A warning they did not heed all the way up until I left that had disastrous results. I mention this in particular to show that I take a proactive approach in a realm where my peers are reactive. This is a value I instill in my teams and is something that the Navy needs in this new world where Warfare is not just fought with bullets and missiles but with bits and bytes as well.

My technical expertise and proven leadership under extremely stressful situations would be of great benefit to the Navy and allow me to give back to the country that has given much to my family. I wish to serve with every United States Sailor, I took an Oath to support and defend Constitution of the United States of America. In the Navy I will obey the orders of those appointed over me. I want to represent the fighting spirit of the Navy and those who have gone before me to defend freedom and democracy around the world. To proudly serve my country's Navy combat team with Honor, Courage, and Commitment. To continue my commitment to excellence and the fair treatment of all.

Thank you for taking the time to consider me for this great honor and I look forward to serving alongside all of you.

 

[exNavyOffRec]

Revised version

I come from very humble beginnings in a lower middle-class family. They taught me the values of hard work, loyalty and helping others. I went straight to work full time at age 17 to help support my parents and pay for their home. I was working full time 60 hours a week and going to school full time. Balancing that schedule was difficult. However, I had a dedication to helping my struggling family. I faced great adversity but, I graduated with my degree. I still maintain my commitment to bettering myself and I'm pursuing my bachelor’s degree now and will be completing it shortly.

I have a commitment to excellence in all that I do. I execute on completing projects with precision and accuracy. I have been trusted to take up leadership positions in every company and federal office I have worked for. My leadership skills are recognized by the government agencies I worked with and, I have been placed as the Manager Architect for the ((Government office I work for)). There I manage their cloud infrastructure and cybersecurity teams. In my duties I lead audits of the House of Representatives, The Senate, and other various governmental bodies to ensure they are following the best practices for the cloud and their cybersecurity.

My family has a history of service to our country. My father severed with honor in Vietnam, My sister-in-law's Mother served in the Air Force, My wife is currently awaiting her Air Force BMT ship date. I have always wished to serve however due to life circumstances I was not able to when I was younger. However, this is a tradition that I also want to continue. I want to provide a good example to my son that service to the country is an important value to uphold. I am grateful to my wonderful recruiter ((recruiter name)) and the Navy for working with me on this amazing opportunity.

The Navy and I have been interacting for a while. I was going to be hired for the Navy AI program in San Diego however after my offer was made budget cuts occurred and it was rescinded. More recently I was to be hired by NAVWAR for a Cloud/Cybersecurity position. It was an offer that I considered heavily. I thought about how my talents in Cloud, Cybersecurity and leadership abilities would best benefit the Navy. Working as a civilian at NAVWAR would allow me to serve the country but I know that I can live up to my full potential serving on the Military side. I want to be part of something greater than myself and be able to give the Navy the absolute best I have to offer.

Becoming a Navy Officer will allow me to build teams that will become the forefront of defending our nation's cyber resources just like I have for the Department of Homeland Security. To train and lead teams that can identify threats like I did for the Department of Energy identifying the security hole in MoveIt in 2022, A warning they did not heed all the way up until I left that had disastrous results. I mention this in particular to show that I take a proactive approach in a realm where my peers are reactive. This is a value I instill in my teams and is something that the Navy needs in this new world where Warfare is not just fought with bullets and missiles but with bits and bytes as well.

My technical expertise and proven leadership under extremely stressful situations would be of great benefit to the Navy and allow me to give back to the country that has given much to my family. I wish to serve with every United States Sailor, I took an Oath to support and defend Constitution of the United States of America. In the Navy I will obey the orders of those appointed over me. I want to represent the fighting spirit of the Navy and those who have gone before me to defend freedom and democracy around the world. To proudly serve my country's Navy combat team with Honor, Courage, and Commitment. To continue my commitment to excellence and the fair treatment of all.

Thank you for taking the time to consider me for this great honor and I look forward to serving alongside all of you.

Not sure what designator you are trying for, so I will give general feedback.

1. This statement is a chance to tell them about you, not a family history lesson.
2. Talk about you and your teams accomplishments, how many people have you led?
3. Everyone has a sob story, multiple board members have told me they just don't care, what are you going to do for us is the common theme from them.
4. Never bad mouth a prior employer while trying to get another role, makes you sound bitter and makes the employer wonder what you might say about them in the future.

 

[MilitaryHusbandFed]

Not sure what designator you are trying for, so I will give general feedback.

1. This statement is a chance to tell them about you, not a family history lesson.
2. Talk about you and your teams accomplishments, how many people have you led?
3. Everyone has a sob story, multiple board members have told me they just don't care, what are you going to do for us is the common theme from them.
4. Never bad mouth a prior employer while trying to get another role, makes you sound bitter and makes the employer wonder what you might say about them in the future.

Thanks for the Critique! I've made an overhaul to it based on the feedback I got here and on Reddit (BTW I think you might have replied on there too)

Can you let me know how this reads?

__________________________________________________________________

I would like to become a Navy Officer because of the commitment to continual improvement that I have. The U.S. Navy provides training and an environment that is second to none in the discipline of leadership. By becoming a Navy Officer, I would be able to grow as a leader and benefit the Navy and the United States with my technical expertise and already proven leadership abilities.

I have a commitment to excellence in all that I do. I execute on completing projects with precision and accuracy no matter how difficult or challenging. I have been trusted to take up leadership positions in every company and Federal Office I have worked for. I am currently employed as the Manager Architect for the Cloud Center of Excellence in the U.S. Government Accountability Office (U.S. GAO). There I oversee 10 teams consisting upwards of 20 members each in the Disciplines of Cloud Architecture, Cybersecurity, Networking, and Policy. In my duties I lead these teams in audits of the House of Representatives, The Senate, and other various governmental bodies as the Authority on best practices and policy for their cloud and cybersecurity readiness.

At my time at Microsoft, I led the development of Azure Cloud Government migration methodology. I wrote the policy, project planning, infrastructure landing zone and database platform readiness and oversaw software development teams as they wrote the tools that would be used for migrating sensitive government and military infrastructure and databases. It was my responsibility to make sure that the tools and methods worked to ensure a seamless and secure migration to the Azure Government Cloud. While there I led a project helping the US Army at Fort Gordon to migrate from their on-premises infrastructure to the Azure Government Cloud and made sure that there were no breaches in security. I also had to ensure that the landing zone for the new infrastructure was secure. Over the course of my time at Microsoft I oversaw the migration of tens of thousands of servers leading project teams to deliver an on time and secure transfer of data to the Azure Government Cloud.

Becoming a Navy Officer will allow me to build teams that will become the forefront of defending our nation's cyber resources just like I have for the Department of Homeland Security mitigating and eliminating DDOS attacks and attempted security breaches. As a Navy Officer I will be able to train and lead teams that can identify threats like I did for the Department of Energy identifying the major security hole in the MoveIt software in 2022. I take a proactive approach in a realm where my peers are reactive. I always view the best way to counteract a cyber-attack is to ensure it is never able to occur. This is a value I instill in my teams and is something that the Navy needs in this new world where Warfare is not just fought with bullets and missiles but with bits and bytes as well.

I believe I am an excellent Officer candidate and would love the opportunity to prove my skills serving as a United States Navy Officer. By doing so I would be able to best use my technical expertise and proven leadership under extremely stressful situations. the US Navy is an environment where I can thrive as a leader, give my absolute best to the Navy and, give back to The United States as it has given so much to my family. Our family has a history of military service and through that they have instilled the values of hard work, loyalty and serving others. These values form a core within me that I apply in everything I do. They give me a foundation to always lead with a cool and level head and serve as a dependable role model to those around me.

Thank you for taking the time to consider me for this great honor and I look forward to serving alongside all of you.

 

[Michael_J_Caboose]

Thanks for the Critique! I've made an overhaul to it based on the feedback I got here and on Reddit (BTW I think you might have replied on there too)

Can you let me know how this reads?

__________________________________________________________________

I would like to become a Navy Officer because of the commitment to continual improvement that I have. The U.S. Navy provides training and an environment that is second to none in the discipline of leadership. By becoming a Navy Officer, I would be able to grow as a leader and benefit the Navy and the United States with my technical expertise and already proven leadership abilities.

I have a commitment to excellence in all that I do. I execute on completing projects with precision and accuracy no matter how difficult or challenging. I have been trusted to take up leadership positions in every company and Federal Office I have worked for. I am currently employed as the Manager Architect for the Cloud Center of Excellence in the U.S. Government Accountability Office (U.S. GAO). There I oversee 10 teams consisting upwards of 20 members each in the Disciplines of Cloud Architecture, Cybersecurity, Networking, and Policy. In my duties I lead these teams in audits of the House of Representatives, The Senate, and other various governmental bodies as the Authority on best practices and policy for their cloud and cybersecurity readiness.

At my time at Microsoft, I led the development of Azure Cloud Government migration methodology. I wrote the policy, project planning, infrastructure landing zone and database platform readiness and oversaw software development teams as they wrote the tools that would be used for migrating sensitive government and military infrastructure and databases. It was my responsibility to make sure that the tools and methods worked to ensure a seamless and secure migration to the Azure Government Cloud. While there I led a project helping the US Army at Fort Gordon to migrate from their on-premises infrastructure to the Azure Government Cloud and made sure that there were no breaches in security. I also had to ensure that the landing zone for the new infrastructure was secure. Over the course of my time at Microsoft I oversaw the migration of tens of thousands of servers leading project teams to deliver an on time and secure transfer of data to the Azure Government Cloud.

Becoming a Navy Officer will allow me to build teams that will become the forefront of defending our nation's cyber resources just like I have for the Department of Homeland Security mitigating and eliminating DDOS attacks and attempted security breaches. As a Navy Officer I will be able to train and lead teams that can identify threats like I did for the Department of Energy identifying the major security hole in the MoveIt software in 2022. I take a proactive approach in a realm where my peers are reactive. I always view the best way to counteract a cyber-attack is to ensure it is never able to occur. This is a value I instill in my teams and is something that the Navy needs in this new world where Warfare is not just fought with bullets and missiles but with bits and bytes as well.

I believe I am an excellent Officer candidate and would love the opportunity to prove my skills serving as a United States Navy Officer. By doing so I would be able to best use my technical expertise and proven leadership under extremely stressful situations. the US Navy is an environment where I can thrive as a leader, give my absolute best to the Navy and, give back to The United States as it has given so much to my family. Our family has a history of military service and through that they have instilled the values of hard work, loyalty and serving others. These values form a core within me that I apply in everything I do. They give me a foundation to always lead with a cool and level head and serve as a dependable role model to those around me.

Thank you for taking the time to consider me for this great honor and I look forward to serving alongside all of you.

1. What designator are you shooting for? 1810, 1820, 1840, 1880 (eventually), all of the above?

2. Some of this could be condensed down still. For instance, in 6 sentences you mention Azure 4 times. Since it all appears to be related, you could cut that phrase. My first draft went from a little over 800 words down to 500 for the final submission.

3. Some minor punctuation and capitalization things.

 

[taxi1]

Some random thoughts;

Don’t capitalize Federal Office, Disciplines, Cloud Architecture, Cybersecurity, Networking, Policy., “The” in front of Senate.

What’s the point of the long paragraph about Azure? What are you asserting, that the sentences in the paragraph provide evidence for? Don’t write a mystery novel, Are you asserting you are an expert in Enterprise systems? Say it.

Trim, trim, trim. Tighten. Focus. Cut. Each paragraph a purpose. For example, take…

“I am currently employed as the Manager Architect for the Cloud Center of Excellence in the U.S. Government Accountability Office (U.S. GAO). There I oversee 10 teams consisting upwards of 20 members each in the Disciplines of…”

Into

“As the current Manager Architect for the GAO’s Cloud Center of Excellence, I lead 180 (?) personnel with expertise in…conducting audits of the US Congress and other government agencies for cloud and cybersecurity readiness.”

“Over the course of my time at…” = “While at…”

“At my time at Microsoft,” = “At Microsoft,”

“because of the commitment to continual improvement that I have.” =. “because of my commitment to continual improvement.”

“extremely stressful”? Were you getting shot at while doing your cyber work?

“no matter how difficult or challenging”…is there a real difference between difficult and challenging?

We need smart cyber dudes, so keep working on it. Get a copy of Strunk & White.

 

[number9]

You don't need to list the acronym for the U.S. GAO (because you don't use the acronym in the statement) but you do need to define what a DDoS is.. in fact, I wouldn't even use the acronym and would instead refer to it generically as a "Denial of Service attack".

 

[Astronaut Kevin]

Hello,
I hope you fine ladies and gentlemen are all well. I would like to receive some ways to improve my motivational statement.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I want to obtain a commission in the U.S. Navy because it will allow me to rise to the challenge of leading sailors and learn in a maritime environment around ships. I also want to join the Navy because I have always enjoyed immersing myself in Naval history, especially battles like the Battle of Midway, the Battle of the Philippine Sea, and the Battle of Leyte Gulf. In addition, having the opportunity to mentor and help my fellow sailors would be a privilege, allowing them and me to grow as better people. Leading and loving people that are service-minded is what I am after, to make a difference in the lives of those sons and daughters around me. Being a Naval officer would allow for this.

I believe my ability to remain calm and collected in high-pressure scenarios will be an asset to the U.S. Navy. There have been situations in my life where this has been demonstrated. Working at a restaurant as a server has always placed me at the forefront of these scenarios. Last year on “Cinco de Mayo,” I was given a table with twenty-plus guests. These guests constantly had me going back and forth, all wanting to heavily modify their foods, talking over each other, and growing impatient with the pace of the restaurant’s kitchen. It could have been easy to lose my cool here, but I just took deep breaths and took in stride, able to prioritize my next steps in the chaos by staying cool. In addition to the guest situation, the team appeared to be in shambles, no one was running clean dishes to the dish placement areas, and we were running low. I made it a point to take the initiative and start running the clean dishes to their rightful place, this enabled my team to see and do the same. The problem here was that if had I not done that. My team would have run out of dishes and would have only slowed the kitchen down much more, in essence, losing the mission. I believe these qualities will be of great use in having the honor and privilege to lead sailors.

I want to enter the Navy as a student naval aviator because I have always wanted the challenge of doing sea operations
---------------------------------------------------------------END--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

[brinoceros484]

Hi everyone! Would love some feedback on my rough draft motivation letter for joining the Supply Corps. Thanks in advance!


I know the American dream of opportunity.
I live it everyday in my job as an Inventory Director at the political marketing company I work at in Washington, D.C. My job is to manage, grow, and monetize an inventory of 5 million email addresses. Everyday my team and I segment inventory into purchasable email lists for political campaigns to send fundraising solicitations to. In my three years at the company I have handled all sides of the business – from working directly with clients to build budgets and monitor ROI, to coordinating with accounting to cut invoices to bill clients and suppliers, to leading trainings for our department on business platforms like Salesforce, Excel, Tableau, and Snowflake. I am proud of the team I have built and invest as much time as I can into their own personal growth and career success.
During my tenure clients have sent to more than 8.6B email addresses for their fundraising solicitations, resulting in an average of $1M a month in gross revenue and $452k a month in net revenue for the company. Through close coordination with data suppliers our inventory has grown 558% since 2020 from 759k email addresses to 5M email addresses.
This opportunity that has been afforded to me can only be possible in America, where hard work, free enterprise, and personal freedom open the door of opportunity for everyone. While I am immensely proud of what I have achieved, I also feel a sense of guilt. My office is only three miles away from Arlington National Cemetery. Every morning I see the thousands of gravestones marking the lives of brave men and women who answered the call to serve their country with the unique skills and knowledge they brought to the table. I am in awe of the bravery and courage of these individuals as well as the bravery of active duty and reservist individuals serving today. My own father served for thirty years, deploying to Afghanistan in 2014 and Guam in 2020, retiring as a Commander. He, like the many service members before him, answered the call and used his skills and talents to serve his country.
I can’t in good conscience continue to live the American dream without offering my own unique skills and talents to serve the Navy in a capacity that my company has prepared me for – the Supply Corps. I believe my experience managing budgets, billing clients and suppliers, building diligent reports, keeping track of business KPIs, and most importantly managing a team of bright individuals gives me an edge that I can help the Navy. If selected, I vow to bring professionalism, attention to detail, and an eagerness to lead a team. I would love the opportunity to give back to the country that has given so much to me.

Thank you for your consideration

 

[JYan805]

Hello everyone. I am posting the first draft of my motivational statement for Navy OCS. A bit of background. I am currently 35 and an ARMY veteran. I am going for AMDO and am applying for a waiver for a dui I got in 2010. My recruiter said I need to mention it in my statement without putting too much emphasis on it. I struggled to get it started and am not thrilled with my first paragraph. Any input would be helpful. Thank you.

Honor, Courage, and Commitment. It is on these core values that the Navy and those who serve within it have risen to become the premier naval superpower in the world. Growing up it was always a dream of mine to join the Navy. Growing up with a family history of Army service however, I chose to honor the family tradition enlist in the Army just after my 21st birthday.

I attended college after high school, but lacked a clear end goal and my unsatisfactory grades showed it. My lack of direction also impacted my personal life as can be seen in the Dui arrest I received in 2010. My poor decision to get behind the wheel that night is one of my greatest regrets. Rather than let the situation define me I chose to learn from my mistakes and use it as motivation to become the man I wanted to be. I served time in the United States Army as a with an honorable discharge and began working in the construction industry. In 2021 I decided to work towards my goal of becoming a naval officer. I have since graduated Cum Laude from Embry Riddle Aeronautical University. I received my Bachelor of Science in Aeronautics with minors in aviation safety, and management. I am also currently pursuing my Master of Business Administration in Aviation with a focus in project management.

I believe with my background as an Army team leader, my experience working as a project manager in the construction sector, and my aviation knowledge as a civilian pilot could be assets to the Navy as an AMDO. It is my goal as a Naval officer to make a positive impact on the effectiveness of my organization and the sailors with it. I have seen firsthand how great of an impact a good leader can have on a unit and its members. I have also seen the negative impact a bad leader can have. If selected I plan to make the commitment to helping sailors grow personally and professionally. If selected I hope to have a long career with the Navy in which I can learn and work within the strongest and most technically advanced Navy in the world alongside the men and women who have chosen to serve.

 

[MotorCookie]

Currently working on my motivational statement and I am considering mentioning I did AFROTC. I was not selected by my detachment to continue with AFROTC which I know is a bad thing, but I also thought that maybe it highlights my desire to be an officer.

Any thoughts on this?

 

[exNavyOffRec]

Currently working on my motivational statement and I am considering mentioning I did AFROTC. I was not selected by my detachment to continue with AFROTC which I know is a bad thing, but I also thought that maybe it highlights my desire to be an officer.

Any thoughts on this?

Did/do you need a waiver?

 

[MotorCookie]

Did/do you need a waiver?

No waivers in the past but now I need a PRK waiver.

 

[exNavyOffRec]

No waivers in the past but now I need a PRK waiver.

Medical waivers don't count for the board, put whatever you want on your statement odds are only you and your recruiter will read it.

Your 9 PFAR says enough.

 

[number9]

Currently working on my motivational statement and I am considering mentioning I did AFROTC. I was not selected by my detachment to continue with AFROTC which I know is a bad thing, but I also thought that maybe it highlights my desire to be an officer.

Any thoughts on this?

Unless you were not selected for a specific reason *and* you took great pains to overcome whatever that reason was, I would leave it out.