Motivational Statement MEGA Thread

[Average Monke]

Can you elaborate a bit more in your third comment when you say:

Sure. What I mean is that the gist of your motivational statement sounds like "I want to be a Naval Aviator so that I can one day become an astronaut". What you are receiving is millions of dollars of government training and resources so that you can go do something entirely unrelated. If you were hiring someone, does that sound like someone you want to invest in? Else where in your statement you mention concepts like leadership and service, but your motivation comes off as entirely selfish. How do you intend to serve others an Naval Aviator? Hint: that's the part about wanting to be an officer.

This is besides the point, but there are probably more direct paths to becoming an astronaut than this route if that's you end goal.

 

[exNavyOffRec]

Hey y'all, I'm currently writing my motivational statement for a pilot position; however, I keep on finding conflicting guidelines online. What is the word limit or page limit for these writing samples? My recruiter told me around 750 words or 1 pg limit max; yet, I see that the majority of writing samples online are all over the aforementioned limit.

also what are solid things that the reviewing committee would like to see from an amazing motivational statement

I missed this post otherwise I would have posted earlier and probably saved you time.

Applying for pilot position, any feedback would be greatly appreciated. Currently my first draft but keen to revise and edit to strengthen certain key points/themes:

As the son of low-income, immigrant parents who worked blue-collar jobs, I never had any real exposure to aviation or to a career in aviation. Nor did I ever have a strong affinity towards S.T.E.M. or a S.T.E.M.-related career as a kid as I was never exposed to that either - having been exposed only to the occupations of family members such as construction workers, carpenters, etc. However, it was until one random day during the 6th grade when my attitude and interest towards both would instantly change.

My 6th grade class had gone on a class field trip to our local community college where a former NASA astronaut (Jose M. Hernandez) was hosting a presentation for local elementary kids detailing his journey from working in the fields as a child to his voyage into space all while growing up in the same town that I currently lived in - Stockton, CA. I had no strong interest going into the presentation given that I had no idea what being an astronaut entailed. However, my attitude quickly changed the instant I saw him. To see someone who looked like me and from a similar background had caused something within me to just naturally gravitate towards him. And as he was detailing more about his journey and his love for science and engineering, I sat there quietly in awe while taking mental notes. It was then that the idea of becoming an astronaut was quietly sowed into my mind. I left that evening confidently knowing that people who looked like me and who came from similar backgrounds were far more capable than just being construction workers, carpenters, etc. I left with the strong belief that immigrants like myself can become engineers, scientists, and astronauts just like Jose.

It was then that my interest in space and becoming an astronaut began. I spent countless days investigating the steps it takes to become an astronaut, and it was then that I found that there was one trait shared among most astronauts - most were former U.S. Navy pilots. And it was after deciding to attend UC Santa Barbara as a physics major that following my four years there that I was going to join the U.S. Navy to become a naval officer and pilot in order to accomplish my dreams of becoming a NASA astronaut in the distant future.
While certainly difficult, my four years at UC Santa Barbara were extremely formative and taught me what it takes to be successful in all my endeavors - experiences and skills that I believe will correlate to my success as a naval officer and pilot. For example, the perseverance and resilience that I strengthened over the 4 years from having to balance and excel with a rigorous course load, work as a student-researcher, and while maintaining a healthy physique through adequate weight training and dieting - all with the goal of becoming a U.S. Navy pilot and eventual NASA astronaut in the back of my mind. Or the importance of leadership and building a community that I further learned from working and serving for programs and organizations such as my experience working for the UCSB MESA program during the summers of 2021 and 2022 where I worked as a mentor/tutor/resident assistant. A position that relies heavily on the work of the student employees as we were the ones who actively managed and ensured that the summer program ran smoothly on-site. From managing around 28-30 underrepresented first-year and transfer students each summer, I worked with students ensuring that they all attended all their summer courses, were provided adequate and helpful tutoring services, and hosted S.T.E.M. workshops and team-building activities daily all while also ensuring that each group of students each summer entered UC Santa Barbara confident in their skills to succeed.

And yet, after all these years and experiences, I still hold dear one particular core value: the importance of serving others. Whether that be my parents by ensuring the best future for our family or my fellow underrepresented students in their academic careers, I believe that there is no better way to continue serving others than to serve my country all while continuing to pursue and accomplish my dreams of becoming a U.S. Navy pilot and eventual NASA astronaut.

Aviation doesn't care about motivational statements just the ASTB, in nearly all cases they don't read them unless you have something negative that needs to be addressed. That 9 you have for a PFAR will do all the talking for you and with immediate selection you will be fine.

 

[Unpriced]

My first rough draft. Applying for a DCO supply corp position. Looking for suggestions to improve it.


As a first-generation college graduate currently completing my MBA, my journey has been defined by a profound desire to serve my country and others while continually striving to become the best version of myself. This aspiration has led me to pursue a role as a Supply Officer in the Navy Reserve, where I see an opportunity to support the noble efforts of our armed forces by ensuring the seamless execution of day-to-day operations and the availability of essential supplies, food, and resources when needed most.

My professional background in Parts and Service Managment in the heavy equipment sector, coupled with my current role as an Inventory analyst for CNH Industrial, has equipped me with invaluable experience in managing inventories and coordinating logistics across multiple locations. In my current position, I work closely with over 100 locations to ensure that they have the necessary replacement parts available to meet business demands. This experience has honed my skills in inventory management, strategic planning, and collaboration, all of which are essential qualities for a Supply Officer in the Navy Reserve.

One of my defining characteristics is my love for learning and my penchant for listening. I believe in continuously expanding my knowledge and expertise to better serve those around me. By focusing on my training and leveraging the knowledge and support of others, I am committed to staying at the forefront of advancements in inventory management and military logistics.

I have demonstrated my leadership abilities in various capacities, having held leadership roles in 4-H and effectively leading others in the departments I've managed. These experiences have instilled in me the importance of integrity, teamwork, and effective communication, qualities that are fundamental to success in any leadership role.

My commitment to service extends beyond the professional realm to my involvement in my church community. Through volunteering and serving others, I have learned the importance of compassion, empathy, and selflessness, qualities that I strive to embody in all aspects of my life, including my military service.

Drawing upon my upbringing on a farm, I learned the value of hard work, perseverance, and a strong work ethic from an early age. These foundational principles have guided me throughout my life and continue to drive me in my pursuit of excellence, both personally and professionally.

In managing my responsibilities, I prioritize tasks and meticulously organize my schedule, putting them on my calendar while remaining flexible to emergencies that may arise. This approach allows me to maintain a high level of productivity while effectively addressing unforeseen challenges as they arise.

Looking ahead, my goal as a Supply Officer in the Navy Reserve is not only to fulfill my duties with diligence and excellence but also to grow as a leader and a student. I aspire to become a better leader by embracing the opportunities for growth and development that the Navy offers, while also serving as a dedicated student of leadership, constantly seeking to refine my skills and expand my knowledge base.

In conclusion, I am deeply motivated to serve as a Supply Officer in the Navy Reserve, driven by a sense of duty, a commitment to excellence, and a passion for continuous improvement. I am confident that my background, skills, and dedication make me a strong candidate for this role, and I am excited about the prospect of serving alongside fellow patriots in defense of our country

 

[kamkambear]

Anyone want to roast my motivation letter. Applying for CW and MCWO:

My father grew up as a migrant farm worker who later went on to join the Army and pursue a career with the Department of Defense (DOD). Similarly, my mother has dedicated the past 15 years to a career with the Department of Justice (DOJ). Their exemplary work ethic and commitment to national service serve as inspiring examples to my siblings and I. It was no surprise when my sister followed suit by joining the Navy. Witnessing her personal growth and transformation as an IT rate has been a profound privilege. My family's legacy motivates me to pursue a Naval commission and continue in their footsteps of serving this country.

Given my varied technical experiences and adaptability within the private industry, I feel uniquely positioned to support and lead the cyberwarfare missions of the Navy. My repertoire of skills includes object oriented programming In Java and Python. During an internship with Wells Fargo, I independently led the efforts to develop artificial intelligence (AI) models for capital trade market violations. With my B.S. degree in information science, much of the curriculum focused on data analysis with R and Python, and database architecture design in MySQL. Throughout college and high school I competed in hackathons to maintain my programming skills.

During my recent tenure as a cyber analyst at Deloitte, I had the privilege to work on projects to enhance infrastructure security and regulatory compliance for several Forbes 100 companies. Notably, I co-led the development of strategies for a red team exercise focused on evaluating API security posture. Additionally, I took the lead in managing over 10,000 cloud service accounts and implementing custom policies across AWS, Azure, and OCI using tools like Caveonix and Splunk Enterprise. Beyond my regular responsibilities, I proactively automated task reporting to enhance operations and helped spearhead the implementation of a new API security tool for our client. This consisted of creating a comprehensive plan on application configurations, accounting for application dependencies, testing for false-positives, and ensuring infrastructure security blueprint goals would be met.

Dedicated to learning, I enjoy setting up labs in my personal time to develop my skill sets. Some of these projects include network administration on Ubuntu, and Kali Linux. More recently I set up Wireshark to analyze packets, and Ida Pro to analyze library injection malware.

On a personal note, I firmly believe leadership involves not only initiative and strategy, but motivating one's team towards excellence; thus also necessitating the leader's own pursuit of excellence. That's why I'm currently pursuing a Master's Degree in computer science this year. My coursework has already covered UML object-oriented design concepts and algorithm development.

Being commissioned as a Naval officer would be an immense honor, and I am fully committed to advancing the missions of the cyberwarfare community. With my extensive technical background, dedication to learning, and relentless pursuit of excellence, I am confident in my ability to fulfill my duties as a Naval officer to the highest standard.

 

[number9]

Anyone want to roast my motivation letter. Applying for CW and MCWO:

My father grew up as a migrant farm worker who later went on to join the Army and pursue a career with the Department of Defense (DOD). Similarly, my mother has dedicated the past 15 years to a career with the Department of Justice (DOJ). Their exemplary work ethic and commitment to national service serve as inspiring examples to my siblings and I. It was no surprise when my sister followed suit by joining the Navy. Witnessing her personal growth and transformation as an IT rate has been a profound privilege. My family's legacy motivates me to pursue a Naval commission and continue in their footsteps of serving this country.

I'm not a recruiter so take all of this with a grain of salt. Here goes:

You don't need to give acronyms for DOJ if you're not going to it them later in the essay. And you certainly don't need to give the acronym for DOD when applying to the Navy...

Also it should be "my siblings and me" not "my siblings and I".

Given my varied technical experiences and adaptability within the private industry, I feel uniquely positioned to support and lead the cyberwarfare missions of the Navy. My repertoire of skills includes object oriented programming In Java and Python. During an internship with Wells Fargo, I independently led the efforts to develop artificial intelligence (AI) models for capital trade market violations. With my B.S. degree in information science, much of the curriculum focused on data analysis with R and Python, and database architecture design in MySQL. Throughout college and high school I competed in hackathons to maintain my programming skills.

"In" should be "in", and I would drop the object-oriented bit. Information Science should be capitalized (it's the name of the degree), and you can probably drop the MySQL mention. Change the order of "college and high school" to make it chronological, and change "maintain" to "further develop".

During my recent tenure as a cyber analyst at Deloitte, I had the privilege to work on projects to enhance infrastructure security and regulatory compliance for several Forbes 100 companies. Notably, I co-led the development of strategies for a red team exercise focused on evaluating API security posture. Additionally, I took the lead in managing over 10,000 cloud service accounts and implementing custom policies across AWS, Azure, and OCI using tools like Caveonix and Splunk Enterprise. Beyond my regular responsibilities, I proactively automated task reporting to enhance operations and helped spearhead the implementation of a new API security tool for our client. This consisted of creating a comprehensive plan on application configurations, accounting for application dependencies, testing for false-positives, and ensuring infrastructure security blueprint goals would be met.

Get rid of the term API, and I would probably drop the names Caveonix & Splunk too.

Dedicated to learning, I enjoy setting up labs in my personal time to develop my skill sets. Some of these projects include network administration on Ubuntu, and Kali Linux. More recently I set up Wireshark to analyze packets, and Ida Pro to analyze library injection malware.

Change the distro mentions to something like "various operating systems" and I would also drop the Wireshark and Ida Pro names.

On a personal note, I firmly believe leadership involves not only initiative and strategy, but motivating one's team towards excellence; thus also necessitating the leader's own pursuit of excellence. That's why I'm currently pursuing a Master's Degree in computer science this year. My coursework has already covered UML object-oriented design concepts and algorithm development.

Get rid of "on a personal note" because it's an essay, we already know it's personal. Capitalize Computer Science, and change "UML object-oriented" to something more generic.

Being commissioned as a Naval officer would be an immense honor, and I am fully committed to advancing the missions of the cyberwarfare community. With my extensive technical background, dedication to learning, and relentless pursuit of excellence, I am confident in my ability to fulfill my duties as a Naval officer to the highest standard.

I would change it to "the Navy and the cyberwarfare community". You're an officer first, and a designator second.

 

[kamkambear]

I'm not a recruiter so take all of this with a grain of salt. Here goes:

You don't need to give acronyms for DOJ if you're not going to it them later in the essay. And you certainly don't need to give the acronym for DOD when applying to the Navy...

Also it should be "my siblings and me" not "my siblings and I".

"In" should be "in", and I would drop the object-oriented bit. Information Science should be capitalized (it's the name of the degree), and you can probably drop the MySQL mention. Change the order of "college and high school" to make it chronological, and change "maintain" to "further develop".

Get rid of the term API, and I would probably drop the names Caveonix & Splunk too.

Change the distro mentions to something like "various operating systems" and I would also drop the Wireshark and Ida Pro names.

Get rid of "on a personal note" because it's an essay, we already know it's personal. Capitalize Computer Science, and change "UML object-oriented" to something more generic.

I would change it to "the Navy and the cyberwarfare community". You're an officer first, and a designator second.

youre the goat, this is really awesome feedback. thank you so much.
Should I spell out DOD and DOJ?

 

[exNavyOffRec]

Anyone want to roast my motivation letter. Applying for CW and MCWO:

My father grew up as a migrant farm worker who later went on to join the Army and pursue a career with the Department of Defense (DOD). Similarly, my mother has dedicated the past 15 years to a career with the Department of Justice (DOJ). Their exemplary work ethic and commitment to national service serve as inspiring examples to my siblings and I. It was no surprise when my sister followed suit by joining the Navy. Witnessing her personal growth and transformation as an IT rate has been a profound privilege. My family's legacy motivates me to pursue a Naval commission and continue in their footsteps of serving this country.

Given my varied technical experiences and adaptability within the private industry, I feel uniquely positioned to support and lead the cyberwarfare missions of the Navy. My repertoire of skills includes object oriented programming In Java and Python. During an internship with Wells Fargo, I independently led the efforts to develop artificial intelligence (AI) models for capital trade market violations. With my B.S. degree in information science, much of the curriculum focused on data analysis with R and Python, and database architecture design in MySQL. Throughout college and high school I competed in hackathons to maintain my programming skills.

During my recent tenure as a cyber analyst at Deloitte, I had the privilege to work on projects to enhance infrastructure security and regulatory compliance for several Forbes 100 companies. Notably, I co-led the development of strategies for a red team exercise focused on evaluating API security posture. Additionally, I took the lead in managing over 10,000 cloud service accounts and implementing custom policies across AWS, Azure, and OCI using tools like Caveonix and Splunk Enterprise. Beyond my regular responsibilities, I proactively automated task reporting to enhance operations and helped spearhead the implementation of a new API security tool for our client. This consisted of creating a comprehensive plan on application configurations, accounting for application dependencies, testing for false-positives, and ensuring infrastructure security blueprint goals would be met.

Dedicated to learning, I enjoy setting up labs in my personal time to develop my skill sets. Some of these projects include network administration on Ubuntu, and Kali Linux. More recently I set up Wireshark to analyze packets, and Ida Pro to analyze library injection malware.

On a personal note, I firmly believe leadership involves not only initiative and strategy, but motivating one's team towards excellence; thus also necessitating the leader's own pursuit of excellence. That's why I'm currently pursuing a Master's Degree in computer science this year. My coursework has already covered UML object-oriented design concepts and algorithm development.

Being commissioned as a Naval officer would be an immense honor, and I am fully committed to advancing the missions of the cyberwarfare community. With my extensive technical background, dedication to learning, and relentless pursuit of excellence, I am confident in my ability to fulfill my duties as a Naval officer to the highest standard.

Ditch the 1st paragraph, this is a professional board and they are looking at your professional background. Take advantage of this space to highlight your professional experience and leadership. This is about what you have done, not your mom, dad, sister or any hardships they have overcome or accomplishments they have. You are applying to designators that may actually read your statement, you don't want to lose their interest once they start reading.

 

[kamkambear]

Ditch the 1st paragraph, this is a professional board and they are looking at your professional background. Take advantage of this space to highlight your professional experience and leadership. This is about what you have done, not your mom, dad, sister or any hardships they have overcome or accomplishments they have. You are applying to designators that may actually read your statement, you don't want to lose their interest once they start reading.

Youre right. thank you for the feedback

 

[number9]

youre the goat, this is really awesome feedback. thank you so much.
Should I spell out DOD and DOJ?

I guess it depends on the structure of the rest of the sentence. I don't think anyone is going to fault you for using the full name, but if you need to save yourself space you can just abbreviate them.

I always suggest that writers put themselves in the mind of their readers. Does your reader know what the DOD is? Of course. Do they know what programming languages are? Probably. Do they know the difference between functional and OO programming? Possibly. Are they familiar with specific tools like Wireshark*? Only if they're a SME.

 

[ProspectiveCyberOfficer]

Good evening everyone. If anyone would be so kind to critique my motivational statement, it would be a big help. Applying for CWO, IT, and supply if I don't get either of those.

Getting my bachelor’s degree in computer science, so far, has been the hardest intellectual undertaking of my life. So many students didn’t end up making it and changed their majors. Most of us who graduated immediately went into the private sector for a big salary. However, I’m more hungry for growth and to push the limits of my current character to evolve into the next best version of myself. Money isn’t everything, and just excelling in the profession of choice isn’t the end all be all of a person's development. My father is one of the smartest people that I know. He could have been a mathematician if he applied himself. He is a big part of who I am today. However, I have also learned that my father, for all of the amazing qualities he possesses, is a great example of unused potential. Something I will not allow myself to become. Since I decided to go back to school and get out of the hospitality industry, I knew that I wanted to really apply myself to become the best version of myself possible. I have had multiple conversations with my previous boss and mentor Aaron Edwards. He was in the military years ago and I can tell that he was shaped into a better person because of his time in the military. Exhibiting qualities of a leader. A real Sgt. Winters. Level headed, wise, methodical, strong, direct, understanding, driven, admirable.

Ever since I was 7 years old, I have been a martial arts practitioner. I dove into a world where respect, discipline, teamwork and tenacity were the cornerstones of my development. Throughout my life, regardless of what art form I was studying, those cornerstones persisted and were ingrained in me. This bled into other aspects of my life. When I was 10, I was the youngest person at the beach club my family frequented to tread water for 45 minutes. In high school, I worked through pain, malnourishment, blood, sweat and tears to beat the varsity team member in my high-school wrestling weight class. I rode my first century on a bicycle when I was 18. In college, I wouldn’t even ask to be in charge of group projects but it was easy for me to find strengths and weaknesses in my colleagues and give them all a sense of direction whenever we would strategize how to tackle complex tasks. When I was bartending, I continued to learn and perfect my craft while many would just clock in and clock out. This led to me often being in a leadership role in multiple jobs, even if that wasn’t reflected in the title of my position. It is still a point of pride when I hear from previous coworkers that they learned everything they know about bartending from me. I don’t think it’s because of my technical skills. It’s because of effective communication, putting whatever team I am a part of before myself, and being decisive in action regardless of what I am doing. This is why I was promoted to Team Leader at the URI IT Service desk in less than 6 months and put in charge of projects like refitting the entire campus’ dormitories, leading, effectively training, and coordinating a team of 20 students. I don’t think I’ll be a great leader because I dream of leadership. I think I’ll be a great leader because, like my mentor Aaron, I have a gift of pulling the best out of those around me if they are hungry for it. Now that I am older, more mature, and a little bit wiser, I firmly believe I have a strong aptitude for leadership in the Navy, a position that I have set my eyes on, and will excel in.

 

[WorldWar33.3]

Applying for CWO, IT, and supply if I don't get either of those.

I think you mean CWT. Which btw, is a great enlisted rate that does actual Navy Cyber things. A lot of college-educated people there too. Same with IT and IS. IS is my favorite because we get to do pretty cool stuff. A lot of us are BUD/S duds who like fitness and some ground-pounding. But anyway, let's focus on your Officer application...

However, I have also learned that my father, for all of the amazing qualities he possesses, is a great example of unused potential. Something I will not allow myself to become.

I would try to keep it light, and talk about how your dad (or any other role model) has been a positive influence on your life and your work ethic. "Unused potential" sounds depressing. "He tried" sounds better. I'd fix this up.

A real Sgt. Winters. Level headed, wise, methodical, strong, direct, understanding, driven, admirable

Major Winters from Band of Brothers Never, ever demote!!

When I was 10, I was the youngest person at the beach club my family frequented to tread water for 45 minutes. In high school, I worked through pain, malnourishment, blood, sweat and tears to beat the varsity team member in my high-school wrestling weight class. I rode my first century on a bicycle when I was 18.

Are you sure you don't want to shoot your shot to go to BUD/S? Sounds like you'd make a great candidate who would make it through Hell Week. Nothing to fix here.

In college, I wouldn’t even ask to be in charge of group projects but it was easy for me to find strengths and weaknesses in my colleagues and give them all a sense of direction whenever we would strategize how to tackle complex tasks.

Dude, please take this out. You took charge (or command, or leadership) in the group project, and were able to steer the direction of the group... So on and so forth. You know where I'm going with this. Boards are looking for officer candidates who volunteer, or ask to be the leader. If they're good leaders, they stay leaders.

Overall, I like what you did with this Moto Statement using the persuasive writing style. Some of the semantics could use a little work, but it's just a few minor corrections or suggestions, but it doesn't need a major rework. Good job

 

[waterandwind15]

Would it be beneficial in my statement to talk about how I hope to be a resource for younger officers and enlisted sailors and hope to use some of my past life experiences to motivate and uplift them to be the best they can be? or is that cheesy? Through college, I worked as an after-school program leader at a low-income middle school and i truly did enjoy talking with and helping these students.
I also want to add something about my grandfather, he was enlisted and always had a dream of becoming an officer, however, life happens and he never pursued this dream and I will be proud to carry on his legacy in this way.

 

[WorldWar33.3]

Would it be beneficial in my statement to talk about how I hope to be a resource for younger officers and enlisted sailors and hope to use some of my past life experiences to motivate and uplift them to be the best they can be? or is that cheesy? Through college, I worked as an after-school program leader at a low-income middle school and i truly did enjoy talking with and helping these students.

Absolutely!! Give some examples of tough times and obstacles, and how you overcame them, and how these students will go to you for help and advice. Those are the most impactful types of leaders.

 

[WorldWar33.3]

Would it be beneficial in my statement to talk about how I hope to be a resource for younger officers and enlisted sailors and hope to use some of my past life experiences to motivate and uplift them to be the best they can be? or is that cheesy? Through college, I worked as an after-school program leader at a low-income middle school and i truly did enjoy talking with and helping these students.
I also want to add something about my grandfather, he was enlisted and always had a dream of becoming an officer, however, life happens and he never pursued this dream and I will be proud to carry on his legacy in this way.

Another thing you can add is how you are able to find common ground with people, and relate to them. The key word here is empathy. Your post provoked me to think about the best Officers and Chiefs in my command, and why they're good at keeping morale high and motivate Sailors like me to produce high quality of work.

 

[exNavyOffRec]

Would it be beneficial in my statement to talk about how I hope to be a resource for younger officers and enlisted sailors and hope to use some of my past life experiences to motivate and uplift them to be the best they can be? or is that cheesy? Through college, I worked as an after-school program leader at a low-income middle school and i truly did enjoy talking with and helping these students.
I also want to add something about my grandfather, he was enlisted and always had a dream of becoming an officer, however, life happens and he never pursued this dream and I will be proud to carry on his legacy in this way.

If your going for aviation unless you have a waiver no one will bother reading your statement except you and your recruiter.