Motivational Statement MEGA Thread

[jdbryan]

Here is mine, let me know what you think. Any comments are welcome. I am putting in for the Oct board.

Since I can remember it has been my desire to serve and protect. Preparing for a career in law enforcement I pursued my college degree, but after 9/11, I decided to follow in the footsteps of my father and join the Unites States Air Force to help defend our nation, not just my community. During these years, I have honorably and meritoriously served in the United States Air Force for the last 6 years fulfilling a family tradition of honor and service. Since joining, I have realized the need to make my own path, one which truly defines me, my values, and dedication to my country.
Since joining the Air Force, I have been dedicated to push myself in every aspect. I have earned numerous awards in education, leadership, and abilities both in and outside of my job. I have earned the Distinguished Graduate award from Airman Leadership School; as well as earned my place on the Presidents List for my school three times with a GPA of 3.86 during my time at Wayland Baptist University.
I want to become a Naval Officer to not only to continue to serve my country, but also be a leader and mentor to all those I will serve with. I was deeply impressed with the Navy personnel I had the opportunity to work with in Afghanistan, and those I befriended in England. They have proved to me that the Navy is where I want to serve. A commission in the United States Navy, with its strong values of Honor, Courage, and Commitment, will provide the opportunity to both lead and serve those under my charge utilizing the tools and experience I developed earlier in my Air Force career.

 

[nugget61]

Hey guys, I've posted my statement below - please, rip it apart so that its not so obvious I'm in engineering . PM or reply here, I appreciate all comments.

"
Shortly after I became eligible to, I joined the Boy Scouts of America. I had heard much of what kind of men the organization produced, the potential that they represented and their growing demand in today’s society. While I was there, I worked to make myself one of the men that I had read about – I honed many skills, working to develop the necessary talents to lead a group of my peers. At the end of 8 years, I had the makings of just such a man; I had held the positions of Patrol Leader, Senior Patrol Leader and Assistant Scoutmaster, all while leading my troop and earning the rank of Eagle Scout.

Upon completion of my goals with the BSA, I set out to plan the next path that my life would take; while I only had dreams of what I wanted to do, I was sure that I would end up in a structured environment, be in a clear chain of command and working closely with people of strong moral fiber.

During my time in college and working in industry, I have yet to find myself in this environment. Much of my family has proudly served our country, so I began to research the military. And what I found was the U.S. Navy produces just such an environment that I crave; it is therefore my desire to join the Navy as an Officer, serving in the capacity of a Naval Aviator.

I cannot remember a goal that I have set for myself that I have not yet met or am actively pursuing; with the right motivation and a commitment to succeed, I have found that I am capable of anything that I decide to do. Knowing that, I have now made it my goal to be accepted into the Navy – to not only become a pilot, but a leader of the young men and women serving in the armed services alongside me.

With this application, I respectfully request the opportunity to prove my worth and earn a commission as an Officer in the United States Navy.
"

It's right about the length I'm going for (currently 348 words). I'm worried about my hyphen and semicolon use, but any advice is useful.
Thanks all.

 

[zab1001]

Hey guys, I've posted my statement below - please, rip it apart so that its not so obvious I'm in engineering . PM or reply here, I appreciate all comments.
I'm not going to rewrite this for you, but here are some notes.
"
Shortly after I became eligible to, I joined the Boy Scouts of America. I had heard much of what kind of men the organization produced, the potential that they represented and their growing demand in today’s society.

Most people join something while eligible. What does that have to do with anything? The second sentence is poorly constructed.

While I was there, I worked to make myself one of the men that I had read about – I honed many skills, working to develop the necessary talents to lead a group of my peers.

This needs to be two sentences.

At the end of 8 years, I had the makings of just such a man; I had held the positions of Patrol Leader, Senior Patrol Leader and Assistant Scoutmaster, all while leading my troop and earning the rank of Eagle Scout.

You're using variations of the word "men" too much, it reads awkwardly. Exampled of your leadership experience are good though.


Upon completion of my goals with the BSA, I set out to plan the next path that my life would take; while I only had dreams of what I wanted to do, I was sure that I would end up in a structured environment, be in a clear chain of command and working closely with people of strong moral fiber.

Again, two sentences.


During my time in college and working in industry, I have yet to find myself in this environment. Much of my family has proudly served our country, so I began to research the military. And what I found was the U.S. Navy produces just such an environment that I crave; it is therefore my desire to join the Navy as an Officer, serving in the capacity of a Naval Aviator.

You're trying too hard. This is all too flowery. You know what you want to say, do so. Also, use of the word "crave" is...weird...I crave beer...not a career...


I cannot remember a goal that I have set for myself that I have not yet met or am actively pursuing; with the right motivation and a commitment to succeed, I have found that I am capable of anything that I decide to do. Knowing that, I have now made it my goal to be accepted into the Navy – to not only become a pilot, but a leader of the young men and women serving in the armed services alongside me.

Think succinct. Too wordy.


With this application, I respectfully request the opportunity to prove my worth and earn a commission as an Officer in the United States Navy.

Rewrite and take it to an English teacher. Good luck.

 

[jdbryan]

No comments on mine??

 

[Nikki2184]

Here is mine, let me know what you think. Any comments are welcome. I am putting in for the Oct board.

Since I can remember it has been my desire to serve and protect. Preparing for a career in law enforcement I pursued my college degree, but after 9/11, I decided to follow in the footsteps of my father and join the Unites States Air Force to help defend our nation, not just my community. During these years, I have honorably and meritoriously served in the United States Air Force for the last 6 years fulfilling a family tradition of honor and service. Since joining, I have realized the need to make my own path, one which truly defines me, my values, and dedication to my country.
Since joining the Air Force, I have been dedicated to push myself in every aspect. I have earned numerous awards in education, leadership, and abilities both in and outside of my job. I have earned the Distinguished Graduate award from Airman Leadership School; as well as earned my place on the Wayland Baptist University Presidents List three times with a GPA of 3.86.
I want to become a Naval Officer to not only to continue to serve my country, but also be a leader and mentor to all those I will serve with. I was deeply impressed with the Navy personnel I had the opportunity to work with in Afghanistan, and those I befriended in England. They have proved to me that the Navy is where I want to serve. A commission in the United States Navy, with its strong values of Honor, Courage, and Commitment, will provide the opportunity to both lead and serve those under my charge utilizing the tools and experience I developed earlier in my Air Force career.

If it were me, I would include some other management experience from working in your shop in addition to your educational experiences, something that shows you succeed outside a classroom too.
Also, you said the Navy you served with convinced you to join the Navy...how? Why? What in their character, job skills, morals etc made you decide the Navy was where you wanted to be?

 

[jdbryan]

Thanks,
I am nowhere near the 400 words, so I have plenty of room to add more stuff.

 

[nugget61]

jdbryan:

Since I can remember it has been my desire to serve and protect. Preparing for a career in law enforcement, I obtained a college degree of blank. However, after the events of September 11th, I decided to follow in the footsteps of my father and join the Unites States Air Force. I wanted to help more than just my community by helping to defend our nation. For the past six years, I have honorably and meritoriously served in the United States Air Force as a blank, obtaining the rank of blank. After joining, I came to the realization that I needed to forge my own path in life: something which truly defined me in terms of values, abilities and dedication.
The Air Force has seen me push myself and work diligently in every aspect of my life. To highlight my numerous awards in education, leadership and abilities both in and outside of my job, I would like to call attention to my Distinguished Graduate award from Airman Leadership School and earning a position on the President's List at Wayland Baptist University, with a cumulative GPA of 3.86.
While I have been honored to serve in the United States Air Force, I am applying for a position as a Naval Officer in (position applying for) for multiple reasons. Not only do I want to continue to serve my country, but to be given the opportunity to become a leader and mentor to all of the enlisted personnel those I will serve with. (Elaborate on your reasons) Having worked with Navy personnel in Afghanistan and England, I have been deeply impressed by them and believe that I could make a more significant impact in the Navy than the Air Force.
A commission in the United States Navy, with its strong values of honor, courage, and commitment, will provide me with the opportunity to both lead and serve, utilizing the skills and experience that I have acquired through a civilian education and a military career.
Thank you for your consideration.

Hey, you have a great start, you just need to develop it some more. I've thrown in my two cents to hopefully help spruce it up, but I don't claim to be an English major. Italics are my changes, with a few minor ones here and there. Let us see the second draft when ya have it!

 

[jdbryan]

Those are great imputs, i appreciate it!

 

[Bandita]

I realize that this site is intended for aviators, but hoping I can have the privilege of getting your input even though I'm applying for the Supply Corp and Admin Officer. I notice a lot of good writers here. I have a really tough time coming up with content when it comes to writing, so any advice I can get will be great! Max I can have is 250. This is at about 247...


I really enjoy working in the Finance field and strive to continue to excel. I would like to utilize my school, work, and personal experiences to contribute to the future successes of the Navy’s Supply Corps Community or Administrative field. My experiences as a Personnel Specialist has provided me some “hands-on” knowledge of what Supply Corp and Administrative Officers do, such as working with disbursements, financial management, and personnel records. Also, the nature of my past duty stations has enabled me to understand and effectively work with diverse groups, including enlisted and commissioned sailors, as well as civilians, in order to work as a team and accomplish mission goals.

My MBA in Accounting assisted me in developing the analytical skills necessary to address various financial situations and in working well as a member of a team. My high GPA that I earned while attending school full-time is a reflection of my hard work ethics, determination, and commitment. Being a Property Manager for two homes has also given me the experience to succeed through a variety of very challenging situations. It has also proven my ability to multi-task as I still gave my full attention to work and school at the same time. I am ready to dedicate myself to give this same undivided attention to carry out the duties of a Supply or Administrative Officer as well as the obligations of all commissioned officers to commit to other Sailors’ personal and professional growth.

 

[cgoetz]

Hey guys well I decided to completely rewrite my motivational statement from scratch seeing as how there was so much wrong with the first one I posted on here. I hope this one is better. Any comments would be appreciated and please be brutal.


All my life I have always been interested in aviation. Whenever I have seen an airplane fly it has always excited me in a way I just can’t sum up in words. I wish to become a commissioned officer in the Navy because quite honestly, I want to fly. But that is not the whole reason why I want to join; I want to join because I want to proudly serve my country and to protect it and its citizens from those who wish to do it harm. I wish to serve the Navy because I want to share in the long traditions and history that have made U.S. Navy into the most formidable force in the world, and I also want to carry on the great legacy of those who have served before me.
Honestly I don’t feel that I have had the kind of leadership experience that will come even close to preparing me for the intense situations that an individual will have while serving in the military. However I have had the pleasure of being lead by some individuals that have been very influential to me and have been a leading factor in my decision to joining the Navy. One such person who comes to mind was a World War II veteran and prisoner of war who was my scout master. The stories that he taught about his experiences as a POW taught me that freedom comes with a steep price which many men and women have paid for with their lives, but it is a price worth paying. He taught me that you can’t give up no matter how dire a situation may be, even if the cards are not stacked in your favor the thing that will set you apart from everyone else is that you keep fighting even when others try to discourage him. These important lessons have had a tremendous impact on my life in that has taught me to show both tenacity and perseverance in everything that I do and these I feel are two important qualities that I feel that I can bring to the Navy and in turn will help me to have success there.
Lastly I wish to be a commissioned officer because I feel that the navy can teach me important lessons and values that a person just can’t get in civilian life. I feel that these important lessons will not only make me into an effective but will greatly aid me later on down the road if I decide to leave the Navy and pursue a career in the civilian world. I wish to join the Navy; one to fill a life long dream and two I wish to serve my country with distinction and to carry on the legacy that makes the navy into an effective fighting force.

 

[nugget61]

Hey guys well I decided to completely rewrite my motivational statement from scratch seeing as how there was so much wrong with the first one I posted on here. I hope this one is better. Any comments would be appreciated and please be brutal.


All my life I have always been interested in aviation. Whenever I have seen an airplane fly it has always excited me in a way I just can’t sum up in words. I wish to become a commissioned officer in the Navy because quite honestly, I want to fly. But that is not the whole reason why I want to join; I want to join because I want to proudly serve my country and to protect it and its citizens from those who wish to do it harm. I wish to serve the Navy because I want to share in the long traditions and history that have made U.S. Navy into the most formidable force in the world, and I also want to carry on the great legacy of those who have served before me.
Honestly I don’t feel that I have had the kind of leadership experience that will come even close to preparing me for the intense situations that an individual will have while serving in the military. However I have had the pleasure of being lead by some individuals that have been very influential to me and have been a leading factor in my decision to joining the Navy. One such person who comes to mind was a World War II veteran and prisoner of war who was my scout master. The stories that he taught about his experiences as a POW taught me that freedom comes with a steep price which many men and women have paid for with their lives, but it is a price worth paying. He taught me that you can’t give up no matter how dire a situation may be, even if the cards are not stacked in your favor the thing that will set you apart from everyone else is that you keep fighting even when others try to discourage him. These important lessons have had a tremendous impact on my life in that has taught me to show both tenacity and perseverance in everything that I do and these I feel are two important qualities that I feel that I can bring to the Navy and in turn will help me to have success there.
Lastly I wish to be a commissioned officer because I feel that the navy can teach me important lessons and values that a person just can’t get in civilian life. I feel that these important lessons will not only make me into an effective but will greatly aid me later on down the road if I decide to leave the Navy and pursue a career in the civilian world. I wish to join the Navy; one to fill a life long dream and two I wish to serve my country with distinction and to carry on the legacy that makes the navy into an effective fighting force.

Really quick reply, Navy gets a capitalized N, saw that in there. And I don't think that it's good to put yourself down to the board, even if in honesty - don't give them any reason to doubt you.

 

[sonicboom]

This is my first draft of my motivational statement that I ran by my recruiter. He was very blunt with me and said that it was crap. It's definitely a different approach than the standard "I am seeking a commission because...abcxyz" form letter, but I'd appreciate any thoughts on what's worth keeping. I'm rewriting it, per his request.

For many years, American cities such as Gotham and New York have been tirelessly protected by caped vigilantes doling out their own sense of justice to keep the criminals at bay. In the real world, however, our superheroes aren’t quite as iconic; they don’t fly by night in spandex and few can claim powers of x-ray vision, yet heroes they remain. They are the men and women who offer their service and at times their lives to preserve the inalienable freedoms and privileges we often take for granted in the United States America. Leading these warriors from the helm is a select breed of military and naval officers. No comics have been written to eternalize their acts of heroism but young boys do idolize these courageous warriors and many grow up with the lofty dream of one day joining them in the defense of democracy and the maintenance of world peace. Because the “Jokers” of this world will never rest, men and women of the highest moral and intellectual caliber will always be necessary to ensure our way of life.
Over the past few years I’ve been blessed with the opportunity to work and study beyond our borders. The greatest gift these experiences have given me is a higher appreciation for the freedoms and values which we as Americans enjoy. These are values to which I am strongly committed and for which I am willing to sacrifice my very life to protect. From my earliest memories I have revered and respected the soldiers and sailors who defend our nation. I honor them and am grateful for their sacrifice for our country. In seeking a commission as an officer of the United States Navy, I hope to continue a proud family tradition of military service dating back to the Civil War, in which my third great grandfather received a battlefield promotion to the rank of Colonel at the Battle of Gettysburg. Serving as a naval officer would allow me to most effectively apply and develop my skills and realize my childhood dream to serve this country as a leader of men in the nation’s first line of defense during these turbulent and unforgiving times.
I have prepared mentally and physically for the challenges that lay ahead and thank you for your consideration of my application as well as for your dedicated service to our country. In closing I’d like to remind you that Christopher Davis is just an ordinary man, as are Clark Kent and Bruce Wayne, but once they don their costumes they can achieve marvelous things. Like most young men I’ve always wanted to be a superhero and I hope that one day, proudly sporting the uniform of an officer of the United States Navy, I’ll have my chance.

 

[zab1001]

I'd appreciate any thoughts on what's worth keeping.

In all seriousness, none of it. Your recruiter is dead-on. Truly awful.

 

[BullGator]

In all seriousness, none of it. Your recruiter is dead-on. Truly awful.

Haha. Man, did you take the time to write a letter for humor's sake or are we being "punked"? It was kind of funny, no offense.

I think Zab is probably right, but at minimum I would take out anything having to do with a superhero or comic character. The objective is not to make them laugh or think you are a "unique snow flake;" It is to honestly tell why you are seeking commission, in a profesional manner. Take alot of time, and typically, wait until you are on your final draft before posting your personal statement. You need to be serious about it and not have other's write it for you. I'm not trying to be mean, I hope you can take some critisism if you can post that personal statement.

 

[zab1001]

Exactly. This is not a creative writing assignment.