Motivational Statement MEGA Thread

[Lobster]

Boom, you're my boy but why are you getting into a pissing match with a winged guy? He's got wings he automatically wins.

And Lamb and Tuna fish? Perhaps spaghetti and meatballs is a better analogy I mean considering this is America, if you don't like spaghetti and meatballs why don't you get the hell out. :tongue2_1

 

[sonicboom]

Fair enough. My apologies.

 

[sonicboom]

Final draft. Turning it in my recruiter in one hour.

Nearly half a century after President Kennedy challenged Americans
to "ask what you can do for your country" these words still personally
challenge me in the same way he intended. Though my collegiate record,
extensive work history, and international experience would serve me well
as a civilian, I feel a calling to follow in the footsteps of family
members who have served our nation during times of war. The way of life
we have all come to know and love has come at great cost to those who
have defended it and I aspire to join that proud tradition.
The physical and mental demands of the Navy are grueling and the
conditions under which sailors work are unforgiving and often
life-threatening, but I have always been motivated to seek new
challenges and am accustomed to performing at high levels. Throughout
high school and college, I participated in sports teams and held many
jobs in which I learned the value of teamwork and observed effective
leadership. I feel I will be able to contribute to the Navy as an
effective leader because I possess the raw instincts and natural
tendencies necessary to inspire and direct others. Whether at home, at
school, or on the job I have consistently been respected as someone with
vision who acts decisively and motivates others to action, despite
perceived risks. For example, in Mexico City I once inspired a bus-load
of men to help push a broken-down dump truck from the road in order to
allow traffic to resume.
I strongly believe in the importance of helping others and see a
commitment to the Navy as a way to build on a service record which
includes a medical mission trip to Guatemala at age seventeen. In
addition, I have a strong work ethic, which dates back to my first job
at age nine when I obtained a job at a gas station, and my work and
study experiences in Mexico and Peru have taught me to learn and adapt
quickly. My abilities and ambitions are a perfect complement to a
career as a naval officer, which will provide an opportunity to further
develop my leadership skills and assume high levels of responsibility at
a young age. I look forward to accepting the challenge as an officer in
the United States Navy and hope that through my service I may help to
better our way of life as Americans.

 

[Longhorn]

incase ya care that's 402 words.

I know the board wants to hear about accolades and leadership position. I have that covered in full, however, is it worth writing about a struggle with cancer and having a single parent? They want to hear about challenges correct?? I'm not sure if that would really represents why they should accept me.

 

[sonicboom]

incase ya care that's 402 words.

OOOO, I might not get accepted because of that. How much do you want to keep your mouth shut? lol

I know the board wants to hear about accolades and leadership position. I have that covered in full, however, is it worth writing about a struggle with cancer and having a single parent? They want to hear about challenges correct?? I'm not sure if that would really represents why they should accept me.

There are two ways of bringing that up.

1) The poor me, cry me a river, play me a fiddle type of stuff that they don't want to read and, quite frankly, couldn't care less about. I don't mean to minimize your pain or experiences.

2) Working it in to your essay in an intelligent manner that briefly mentions how you managed to do XYZ in the face of seemingly insurmountable odds, etc. I think it's worth mentioning if it's been critical in shaping who you are today but be smart about how you work it in and don't harp on it too long. Remember you only have 400 words, and I'll be counting!

 

[Beefheart]

Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!


The answer to the question of what motivates me to serve in the U.S. Navy begins with an observation about my country. On any given day I can walk down the aisle of any supermarket and choose from over twenty different types of loaves of bread. Many in this world will not see that much food in their entire lifetime. The truth is that I enjoy immeasurable bounty because of where I live. And I have not earned any of it. Not yet.

My first motivation is national security. I am proud that the United States is my home. Just as I would take swift action against an invader who threatens my family, I must stand up and do my part to protect my country. So many honorable men and women, including members of my family, have sacrificed to preserve this nation’s freedom. I feel very strongly about this and want to count myself among those ranks.

My second motivation is personal growth. A career as a commissioned Naval Officer presents great individual challenges. It also offers amazing opportunities. Leadership experience, advanced training, and travel are just a few of the possibilities. I will do my best to seize each opportunity and use it to serve the Navy’s goals to the fullest. Every day is a gift and I believe in using each one to improve myself and become a better person.

I feel I possess numerous qualities which will enable me to achieve my long-term goals. As a Team Leader in the AmeriCorps, I led a twelve person team through a wide array of challenges, such as community outreach, search and rescue, and disaster relief. I learned the importance of working in a group, communicating effectively, and managing unexpected problems. I learned fortitude, adaptability, and compassion. As a leader, my integrity had to be above reproach. However, I recognize that I can be an even better leader and look to further develop those skills in the Navy.

At age 31, I have matured through a full and rewarding life. I am more than ready for a proud career as a Naval Officer. I have improved through my mistakes, grown through my life experiences, and learned to be thankful for everything that I have. It is this deep appreciation that leads me to want to serve. I hope that my service will help insure that those who follow will enjoy the same abundance that I do today. Then I will have earned it.

 

[sonicboom]

The answer to the question of what motivates me to serve in the U.S. Navy begins with an observation about my country.

You should mention something about earning a commission or serving as an officer here. Otherwise, I could ask, "why not enlist?"

On any given day I can walk down the aisle of any supermarket and choose from over twenty different types of loaves of bread. Many in this world will not see that much food in their entire lifetime. The truth is that I enjoy immeasurable bounty because of where I live. And I have not earned any of it. Not yet.

Nice intro, but it's a rough transition into the second paragraph.

My first motivation is national security. I am proud that the United States is my home. Just as I would take swift action against an invader who threatens my family, I must stand up and do my part to protect my country. So many honorable men and women, including members of my family, have sacrificed to preserve this nation’s freedom. I feel very strongly about this and want to count myself among those ranks.

My second motivation is personal growth. A career as a commissioned Naval Officer presents great individual challenges. It also offers amazing opportunities. Leadership experience, advanced training, and travel are just a few of the possibilities. I will do my best to seize each opportunity and use it to serve the Navy’s goals to the fullest. Every day is a gift and I believe in using each one to improve myself and become a better person.

I feel I possess numerous qualities which will enable me to achieve my long-term goals. As a Team Leader in the AmeriCorps, I led a twelve person team through a wide array of challenges, such as community outreach, search and rescue, and disaster relief. I learned the importance of working in a group, communicating effectively, and managing unexpected problems. I learned fortitude, adaptability, and compassion. As a leader, my integrity had to be above reproach. However, I recognize that I can be an even better leader and look to further develop those skills in the Navy.

At age 31, I have matured through a full and rewarding life. I am more than ready for a proud career as a Naval Officer. I have improved through my mistakes, grown through my life experiences, and learned to be thankful for everything that I have. It is this deep appreciation that leads me to want to serve. I hope that my service will help insure that those who follow will enjoy the same abundance that I do today. Then I will have earned it.

The rest is well written, but watch the word count. You're at 413.

 

[Longhorn]

yea the last thing i want to come across as is a poor sap. just talking about a single parent and other obstacles isn't really hard evidence on why i will make a good officer, but is a challenge which i believe they would like to see.

 

[Beefheart]

Thank you, I'll take a closer look at those two points.

 

[cgoetz]

Well, I wrote my statement a third time. This one I did with a little help. Its a little shorter and more to the point but I think its still a little cornie. Also I don't think I have enough about what I plan to contribute to the navy. But that is why I am putting it here so you guys can give me some pointers.

My ambition has always been to have a career as a Naval Aviator. I love flying and I have had a positive influenced from my dad who was in the Navy and the Army National Guard...
I am the treasurer of the Embry-Riddle Aviation University Naval Aviation Club. I have organized and supervised trips to various locations of interest to the members. I have conducted recruitment drives that have increased the membership of the club. In addition I have arranged for guest speakers to lecture on military topics and personal Naval experiences. I also keep all of the clubs financial records.
I have on many occasions organized class projects in college and high school, assigning different components of the project to each student in the group, ensuring that time frames were met for the successful completion of the project. All projects were completed on time and were successful.
When I was younger, I was in the Cub Scouts and Boy Scouts. I helped with different merit badge classes and was at times a group leader. On camping trips I taught other scouts the proper way to set camp fires and set up their tents.
I was also influenced by one of my scout leaders, His name was Henry, and he was a member of the troop from 1922 until he passed away recently. Henry was an Army Air Corps crew member assigned to a B-17 during WWII. He was shot down and bailed-out over Germany. He remained a prisoner of war for several years until the war ended. He always told me stories of his captivity and he instilled in me the value of freedom, faith in God and patriotism to my country. He said that during his imprisonment he learned how important it was to have faith in God and Country and how to never to give up or lose this faith. I have always tried to follow his advice. Whenever things get real difficult, I always remember what Henry taught me.
Because of my outstanding aviation and technical education at Embry-Riddle, and my past successful leadership roles I feel I would possess all the abilities and requirements to make a very good Naval Commissioned Officer and Aviator

 

[sonicboom]

Well, I wrote my statement a third time. This one I did with a little help. Its a little shorter and more to the point but I think its still a little cornie. Also I don't think I have enough about what I plan to contribute to the navy. But that is why I am putting it here so you guys can give me some pointers.

My ambition has always been to have a career as a Naval Aviator. I love flying and I have had a positive influenced from my dad who was in the Navy and the Army National Guard...
I am the treasurer of the Embry-Riddle Aviation University Naval Aviation Club. I have organized and supervised trips to various locations of interest to the members. I have conducted recruitment drives that have increased the membership of the club. In addition I have arranged for guest speakers to lecture on military topics and personal Naval experiences. I also keep all of the clubs financial records.
I have on many occasions organized class projects in college and high school, assigning different components of the project to each student in the group, ensuring that time frames were met for the successful completion of the project. All projects were completed on time and were successful.
When I was younger, I was in the Cub Scouts and Boy Scouts. I helped with different merit badge classes and was at times a group leader. On camping trips I taught other scouts the proper way to set camp fires and set up their tents.
I was also influenced by one of my scout leaders, His name was Henry, and he was a member of the troop from 1922 until he passed away recently. Henry was an Army Air Corps crew member assigned to a B-17 during WWII. He was shot down and bailed-out over Germany. He remained a prisoner of war for several years until the war ended. He always told me stories of his captivity and he instilled in me the value of freedom, faith in God and patriotism to my country. He said that during his imprisonment he learned how important it was to have faith in God and Country and how to never to give up or lose this faith. I have always tried to follow his advice. Whenever things get real difficult, I always remember what Henry taught me.
Because of my outstanding aviation and technical education at Embry-Riddle, and my past successful leadership roles I feel I would possess all the abilities and requirements to make a very good Naval Commissioned Officer and Aviator

I didn't even make it past the spelling mistake in the second sentence and neither will the board. PROOFREAD before posting.

 

[TTUalumn07]

My motivational statement:

I wanna be like Maverick from Top Gun.

I've got the look, the cockiness, and the sunglasses to prove it.

 

[TTUalumn07]

But in all seriousness, is it a no-no to use "I" alot in the statement?

 

[BullGator]

But in all seriousness, is it a no-no to use "I" alot in the statement?

I think that it is necessary. I was concerned about it until I saw other personal statements that had a lot of "I"s from people that were selected.

"I am the best. I am better than Maverick.
I am a leadership-type guy. Everything that I do is awesome."-20 words, 380 words not needed here -Just kidding.

I did use I many times though, not every sentance but in consecuative senatances quite often.

 

[sonicboom]

I did use I many times though, not every sentance but in consecuative senatances quite often.

I ceriously hope dat wuz a joke.