Motivational Statement MEGA Thread

[hurricane221]

Thanks BigDave, it's good to have another set of eyes on these things.

 

[damcrac]

My personal opinion is that you ought to get within 10% of the goal (360-400). Or at least 350. Otherwise, in some slight way, you aren't following directions. Again, that's my opinion only.

When I first wrote my statement, I thought the same thing. Stretching it to near 400 words really left the statement not very motivational, more informative. I ended up around 260 and felt that it was motivational, versus informative. Also, they board will be looking at around 60+ applicants and getting my statement to stand out was very important.

I will find out if my 260 is good enough sometime within a week or so.

 

[Aviator2B]

You gave some good feedback..I just wrote this and would appreciate some feedback. exactly 400 words...also the quote at the end takes up 57 words..should I leave it or delete to have more substance?

I am seeking commission as a Naval Officer for multiple reasons. First and foremost is the opportunity to serve God, my Country, and fellow Americans. For over 225 years an elite group of men and women can proudly say they served in the United States Navy. The ability to state that is an achievement I would take great pride in. Secondly, I have a strong passion for leading and teaching others. I am certain the Navy can provide me with the tools to become a great teacher, and an even better leader. As a Naval Officer, I will be challenged every day with a different task and manage difficult duties that require a large amount of responsibility and accountability. While doing so, the opportunity to lead the best, and learn and work for the best will mine for the taking. There is no other situation that would provide me with the opportunity to help those around me become better sailors, while improving myself as well.
To be a great Officer you must possess great leadership and communication skills. I believe from the positions I have held on athletic teams and being a Project Leader for a Non-Profit Organization, I have enhanced both skills. From these experiences, I have managed large groups of people, directed specific tasks to each group, and successfully completed the task at hand. While taking a full class schedule, flight lessons, caring for my brother?s son, working two jobs, and playing soccer, I have enhanced my ability to overcome adversity and found the courage to achieve my goals. Having all these responsibilities at once, I was still able to obtain a 3.35 GPA and was inducted into a National Honor Society. I have demonstrated through my work experience that I am able to uphold the utmost integrity and strong professionalism.
I believe that by being goal-oriented, having the eagerness to learn and improve, being an experienced leader, and having great communication skills, I would make an exceptional Naval Officer. Furthermore, with my aviation knowledge and flight experience, I would also make a fine Naval Aviator.

Mr. John F. Kennedy says it best, "I can imagine no more rewarding a career. And any man who may be asked in this century what he did to make his life worthwhile, I think can respond with a good deal of pride and satisfaction: 'I served in the United States Navy.'"

 

[navygirl7]

Tired of reading about your family tree.

I am seriously tired of reading all these essays that spend 200 words droning on about how, ‘my grandfather was this and my father was that, blah, blah, blah….’ But then, maybe I’m just jealous. Were I to write about the naval tradition in my family, it would go something like this:

After serving in WWII, my grandfather would often take his ship out on personal joyrides -- Pacific Island hopping in pursuit of cheap booze, gambling, and Japanese prostitutes…

 

[anghockey]

I am seriously tired of reading all these essays that spend 200 words droning on about how, ‘my grandfather was this and my father was that, blah, blah, blah….’ But then, maybe I’m just jealous. Were I to write about the naval tradition in my family, it would go something like this:

After serving in WWII, my grandfather would often take his ship out on personal joyrides -- Pacific Island hopping in pursuit of cheap booze, gambling, and Japanese prostitutes…

+1. When I told my grandpa that I was seeking a commission in the Navy he laughed, and told me similar stories.

My .02--Keep it concise. If your essay is shorter than 400 words, don't add to it to make 400 words. Mine was 317 and it worked for me!

 

[Max_Power]

Hi I was wondering if anyone wouldn't mind reviewing my moto statement if i PM'd it to them. Not a big fan of putting something like this on the web. Thanks!

 

[m26]

Yeah, but it could take me 48 hrs or so to get to it.

 

[ChaplainC]

Hi I was wondering if anyone wouldn't mind reviewing my moto statement if i PM'd it to them. Not a big fan of putting something like this on the web. Thanks!

This seems like a very wise idea to me. I do not know about selection boards, but a lot of employers in general will check out anything and everything to do with a person online before the hire them. Always wise to keep it to yourself in my opinion.

 

[a-6intruder]

When I first wrote my statement, I thought the same thing. Stretching it to near 400 words really left the statement not very motivational, more informative. I ended up around 260 and felt that it was motivational, versus informative. Also, they board will be looking at around 60+ applicants and getting my statement to stand out was very important.

I will find out if my 260 is good enough sometime within a week or so.

Heard anything yet?

 

[a-6intruder]

Hi I was wondering if anyone wouldn't mind reviewing my moto statement if i PM'd it to them. Not a big fan of putting something like this on the web. Thanks!

Feel free to send it. I'll look at it and reply w/in 24 hours.

 

[ebolamonkey]

Can anyone review my statement? I am applying for CEC and this is Airwarriors so I thought maybe it is exclusive for those who desire to fly.

 

[a-6intruder]

EBOLA - be glad to if you PM it.

 

[pensfan341]

Hey guys.

I am applying to the BDCP

Stats:
GPA: 3.9
Soccer captain in high school
Play soccer in college
President + Founder of club
Worked a couple summer jobs

Applying for Supply and I am not sure what else yet.

Any suggestions on my motivational statement would be very appreciated. If you would prefer I PM it to you just say so and I will oblige.
Right now it is 417 words.

Thanks guys

Serving my country in the military has been a goal of mine for as long as I remember. There are many reasons that I want to join the United States Navy. I consider serving one’s country as the noblest of professions. Serving in the Navy will help me earn and contribute to the sense of pride I feel about this great country. Furthermore, it offers the opportunity to work with some truly great people and to travel the world.

Throughout my entire life I have always strived to challenge myself. I challenged myself on the soccer field; working as hard as I could for years. This hard work truly paid off, I was a two year captain for my high school team when we won the state championship my senior year. This success has led to the college soccer career I now enjoy. My soccer career has given me some valuable experience, including the opportunity to lead and work together with a team. I have challenged myself academically. I was blessed with the opportunity to go to college. After realizing how expensive school is I dedicated myself to doing the best I could. So far I have made the dean’s list all four completed semesters and can boast of a 3.9 GPA. I also wanted to be active member on campus. Currently I am the president of one club on campus and actively involved in others. Through my life experiences I have learned that effort put forth determines how rewarding an experience is. The harder the task the more rewarding is achieving the goal. I think I am ready for the challenge that a commission in the United States Navy would bring.

I have some qualities that could be valuable for the Navy. I have experience in leadership roles, from being a soccer captain to the president of a club. Granted, a career in the Navy would be an altogether different challenge. But I think this is where one of my greatest strengths comes in. I have a strong desire to learn. I want to learn and experience what it is like to be an officer in the greatest Navy in the world. I want the opportunity to earn the respect, pride, and honor that come with being in the Navy. I want to commit myself to doing something truly worthwhile. The Navy presents an amazing opportunity, one that I want to take advantage of. I think it will be the most rewarding thing I’ve ever done.

 

[CUPike11]

I have some qualities that could be valuable for the Navy. I have experience in leadership roles, from being a soccer captain to the president of a club. Granted, a career in the Navy would be an altogether different challenge. But I think this is where one of my greatest strengths comes in. I have a strong desire to learn. I want to learn and experience what it is like to be an officer in the greatest Navy in the world. I want the opportunity to earn the respect, pride, and honor that come with being in the Navy. I want to commit myself to doing something truly worthwhile. The Navy presents an amazing opportunity, one that I want to take advantage of. I think it will be the most rewarding thing I?ve ever done.

I feel like certain parts of the last paragraph weaken your statement overall. This beginning sentence, I would either redo or take out, because it sounds like you're unsure of yourself or unsure of what qualities you bring to the table. That's how it comes across to me at least.

I would take out, "I have a strong...." and just follow up with the next sentence talking about learning from the Navy. You also say "Navy" about 5 or 6 times within 4 or 5 sentences. Change it up a bit. The board knows what branch you're applying to, so you don't have to repeat it over and over to get the point across.

Otherwise, I don't think its too bad. I'm sure others may have some comments.

Oh and even though I'm a Red Wings fan, I'm from Pittsburgh too, so glad to see another guy on here going for a spot! Cranberry Township here to be exact. And I didn't get into hockey until after I went to Michigan for college, so thats why Red Wings.

 

[Jynx]

Let's have a looksee...
I think you have the start of a good essay, and it shows you have a good heart. I'm going to critique it as though you were competing with another person who might have lived a similar life, but wrote about it differently. I hope what I'm trying to show comes through.

Serving my country in the military has been a goal of mine for as long as I remember. Punch up the opening statement. You only get one shot to grab their attention first thing. Don't waste it. There are many reasons that I want to join the United States Navy. I consider serving one’s country as the noblest of professions. Serving in the Navy will help me earn and contribute to the sense of pride I feel about this great country. Furthermore, it offers the opportunity to work with some truly great people and to travel the world. These are nice sentiments, but we need to be talking about what you bring to the navy. They have a million people applying for pride, patriotism etc. They have very few people applying because their Xhosa and Urdu are top notch. What do you bring to the table? Mention those things and spend the rest of the essay talking about them.

Throughout my entire life I have always strived to challenge myself. Not sure strived is a word. Either way, ATTENTION GRAB ME. I always challenged myself sounds vague. Hit me with solid numbers first thing. Adversity overcome, something like "I taught myself French...in Russian" sort of thing. I challenged myself on the soccer field; working as hard as I could for years. (Versus your competitor's essay, which will read, "My first passion in life was soccer. Not content to be average, from the age of 12 I ensured I spent at least 3 hours per day improving a facet of my game after finishing the day's schoolwork." This hard work truly paid off (His did, we need to hear about what yours was), I was a two year captain for my high school team Good, A Metric we can compare. The other guy didn't make captain because he was too showy with the ball. when we won the state championship my senior year. Huzzah, a succesful team. Did you have the coach's ear in team selection? How did you influence the team. This success has led to the college soccer career I now enjoy. Glad you do. What does it allow you to contribute? My soccer career has given me some valuable experience, including the opportunity to lead and work together with a team. Your previous two sentences are redundant. Stick with numbers. Sometimes what people call leadership is adminstration and paperwork. Instead, talk to me about how you got yellow carded and were going to miss the final, but went on to score a hatrick to drag your team there by the neck anyways. I have challenged myself academically. Let's use less challange. We know you're driven now. How about we mention more successes and talents? I was blessed with the opportunity to go to college. After realizing how expensive school is I dedicated myself to doing the best I could. Lose this sentence, the reader will think "I thought you just loved the challange, the price tag was a factor?" So far I have made the dean’s list all four completed semesters and can boast of a 3.9 GPA. PERFECT. Mirror you has a 3.75. He's good, but here we know you're better. I also wanted to be active member on campus. Not a vital sentence, it could be sacrificed. Currently I am the president of one club on campus and actively involved in others. What club? DnD? Do you have an elven paladin lvl 20? Are you in the outdoors club and identifying edible leaves? Young Communists? Your competition was Sophmore representative of his dorm. Beat him. Through my life experiences I have learned that effort put forth determines how rewarding an experience is. The harder the task the more rewarding is achieving the goal. I think I am ready for the challenge that a commission in the United States Navy would bring. Excellent observation. I think the bones of a solid paragraph are here. More numbers and meat and skills, less fluff, and you'll have a solid effort.

I have some qualities that could be valuable for the Navy. You better freaking hope so. This sentence does not help at all. Lose it. The worst thing after a great entrance is a sh!t exit, and once you've punched up your intro, start your conclusion with panache. I have experience in leadership roles, from being a soccer captain to the president of a club. "The leadership roles in soccer and as president have encouraged me to....(Insert critical thinking, rapid response, innovative thinking, orders taking) Granted, a career in the Navy would be an altogether different challenge. (Expose skills 1/2/3 to different tests) But Don't start a sentence with but. I think this is where one of my greatest strengths comes in. (are you going to mention adaptability here?) I have a strong desire to learn. I want to learn and experience what it is like to be an officer in the greatest Navy in the world. Again, call attention to what you bring, not what you want. Evil twin you wants the same. He'll bring Russian and Tech experience to the table. Your captaincy shows others rate your leadership to a degree. But you need to be sure to tell me about the skill that means you'd get the pro-rec you and he are competing for. I want the opportunity to earn the respect, pride, and honor that come with being in the Navy. A sentence like this is a good thing to mention in closing. I want to commit myself to doing something truly worthwhile. The Navy presents an amazing opportunity, one that I want to take advantage of. I think it will be the most rewarding thing I’ve ever done.

Look, I think you show in this essay you have great heart and want this really badly. But give them a reason to take you because it improves their Navy, not just gives you what you need. If you can show them why the Navy would benefit from having you and enlisted men would benefit from your leadership with some hard numbers and indisputable facts, you'll have a much stronger essay.