Motivational Statement MEGA Thread

[kidday03]

Also, can you be a member of Marine One? Crewmember, at least, I'd think...

Not too sure how that works. When I was in the Marines I was admin, but I know there were the enlisted Marines that stood outside and saluted whoever was going on, coming off. I would assume that there would be a complete detail for Marine One.

This website should be able to give you more info about it. Click the Facts tab.

http://channel.nationalgeographic.com/series/on-board/3654/Overview#tab-facts

 

[RM3(SW)]

[FONT=&quot]I’m seeking a commission with the United States Navy because I want an opportunity to serve my country in an extraordinary way. A way that is not readily available to civilians, a way that will allow me to uphold the highest standards of honor, courage, and commitment. My aspiration to serve my country cannot be condensed into a mere 400 words, but quoting Abraham Lincoln provides great insight as to my motives. “I like to see a man proud of the place in which he lives. I like to see a man live so that his place will be proud of him.” These two sentences, although short, have been a tremendous source of inspiration to me throughout the years. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]I do not remember a single moment in time when I was not proud to be a citizen of the United States. Now it’s time for me to assume those responsibilities and commitments which will undoubtedly make my country proud of me. This is my goal.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]I suppose individuals have successfully achieved similar goals with other branches of the armed forces in the past. However, I strongly feel that the Navy is better suited to allow me to serve my country in a multitude of ways both traditionally and non-traditionally. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Furthermore, I am confident that my personal values, morals, leadership attributes, intellect, commitment, and drive will allow me to strive as a Naval Officer. I have consistently and successfully shown these characteristics in the past and they will continue to mold my actions in the future regardless of my path.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]That being said, my ideal path with the Navy and my first choice of an officer program is in the Naval Aviator community. This has been something I’ve wanted to pursue since childhood. Initially, my interest was sparked by my uncle who successfully retired after serving 22 years as a Marine Core Pilot and was a member of Marine One. Again, my uncle simply sparked my curiosity; I have my own motives for wanting to become a Pilot. I’m fully aware of the exceptional capacity required to become a member of such a community and I have not underestimated these requirements in the least. Moreover, I’m certain that the characteristics mentioned previously will not only allow me to triumph over such a challenge, but more importantly achieve success as an officer and concur my desire to serve my country.[/FONT]

I like your statement, its a start, one thing I learned about these going through the board process twice before getting selected, was they really want you to touch on what transferable skills you have to the Navy, what do you do now that will help you make a immediate impact as a Navy officer, obviously being humble can be a good approach but remember you want the board or whom ever is picking the selectees to hear your statement and say wow this person has what it takes, they have done it in the past.....

 

[RM3(SW)]

great examples are playing sports in High school, volunteering at the retirement home, being a Tudor, working while going to school, college activities, everything you do can have a transferable effect.... just make sure they know it...

Example:

I have the drive and determination that the Navy demands of all its commissioned officers, I have proven track record since high school I worked full time while going to college and still making time to volunteer at the red cross once a month while maintaining a 3.5 grade point average.

That is a hell of a lot better than:

I want to become a Navy Officer because I feel I have what it takes, and it has always been a life long dream of mine.

 

[RM3(SW)]

My first motivational statement I thought was 'hall of fame' I didnt have anyone check it, I thought it was from the heart and made sense, come to find out when I was submitting my second package, one of the officers helping me get ready wanted to see my statement, when I showed it to her, she said it was terrible and since that is the one thing that all board members will review it was no wonder I didnt get selected. It took about 3 weeks from start to finish, I had about 6 people review it, and got selected, nothing else in my package changed except the statement, now when I look at the two I laugh, it was terrible....

 

[RM3(SW)]

One last thing before I sign off, remember to approach it from the angle you are applying for a Job, the United States Navy looks at itself as a business, they approach hiring that way, so keep this in mind as your writing statements, conducting interviews etc... they like that your proud of the USA, but not 400 words of it, they like that your third generation military, but not 400 words of it, they want to know what skills and attributes you posses that will allow you to be success not only as a pilot or aircrew but most importantly as a Naval Officer, which of all services is the most highly regarded..... hope this helps

 

[docwaring]

So, this appears to be a long ongoing thread about moto statements. Any body want to help me hack mine up? I really would like to get selected, so... Yeah. I'll take any help I can get.
There are few honors to which one could aspire that would be higher than to be a commissioned officer in the US Navy. As a hospital corpsman in Iraq, I had the opportunity to serve with and under both Navy and Marine Corps officers. Many of these fine men I still hold as role models in my life. The influence of men such as Major Good, 3rd Light Armored Reconnaissance Battalion?s former Headquarters and Support Company Commander, who lead his troops in the battle of Fallujah. He was known to show up at the sentry posts at 3 in the morning to ask the marines on duty if they needed some coffee and how they were doing. He was a lethal warrior, a loving father, a man who commanded the utmost respect and gave the same in his personal interactions. His men would have followed him into hell, knowing he would get them out as well. It is such leadership and devotion to duty and my men that I hope to be remembered for at the end of my career.
I have experienced some of the responsibilities inherent to leadership in the military. My experiences as the sole medical provider on over 90 combat missions in Iraq, with responsibility to care for up to 70 men on 25 vehicles, taught me about making decisions that could affect the lives of the men under my care. I was a petty officer 3rd Class, but was treated with the respect and authority of an NCO of the Marine Corps, and was given responsibility not only for all medical activity associated with my convoy but oversaw the communication for the convoy, our radio operator being a junior enlisted member.
I bring a strong background of devotion to excellence, military manner, determination, rapid mastery of needed skills, and a commitment to leadership through both strength and service, in the manner of Maj. Good. I accomplish goals I set and tasks set before me. I advanced from E3 to E5 as a Hospital Corpsman in just over 2 years, multiple times faster than the average. I am dedicated to honoring all the service members I interact with, the Navy and my country, staunchly courageous in the face of the enemy or ethical dilemma, and committed to doing my utmost to fulfill my duties, should I receive a commission in the Navy.

Thanks for the thoughts.

 

[Jynx]

Happy to provide some pre yom-kippur help...
First thing I notice is that Hospital Corpsman is something worth putting front and center, first sentence. Your current first sentence doesn't stand out or distinguish you, and that's a shame. You only get one first impression, make it stronger.

There are few honors to which one could aspire that would be higher than to be a commissioned officer in the US Navy. As a hospital corpsman in Iraq, I had the opportunity to serve with and under both Navy and Marine Corps officers. Many of these fine men I still hold as role models in my life. The influence of men such as Major Good, 3rd Light Armored Reconnaissance Battalion?s former Headquarters and Support Company Commander, who lead his troops in the battle of Fallujah. He was known to show up at the sentry posts at 3 in the morning to ask the marines on duty if they needed some coffee and how they were doing. He was a lethal warrior, a loving father, a man who commanded the utmost respect and gave the same in his personal interactions. His men would have followed him into hell, knowing he would get them out as well. It is such leadership and devotion to duty and my men that I hope to be remembered for at the end of my career. Very admirable stuff about Mjr. Good, but this isn't the forum for that. Right now you want to be talking about what you're bringing to the Navy. If you want to mention how you're hoping to conduct yourself, then this makes sense, but say that first, and devote less time to his conduct so that you can describe your attributes/what you bring that is unique and desireable to Big Navy.
Because of situation X, I have experienced some of the responsibilities inherent to leadership in the military. My experiences as the sole medical provider on over 90 combat missions in Iraq, with responsibility to care for up to 70 men on 25 vehicles, taught me about making decisions that could affect the lives of the men under my care. This is fvcking baller. Why would you hide this in the middle of the paragraph? Why not start with "As a result of over 90 combat missions, with responsibility for 70 men embarked upon 25 vehicles, I am familiar with the weight of military leadership" I was a petty officer 3rd Class, but was treated with the respect and authority of an NCO of the Marine Corps, and was given responsibility not only for all medical activity associated with my convoy but oversaw the communication for the convoy, our radio operator being a junior enlisted member. Its great that you're providing specific examples. Highlight them. Heck, consider making this your opening paragraph. It sure grabs you.
I bring a strong background of devotion to excellence, military manner, determination, rapid mastery of needed skills, and a commitment to leadership through both strength and service, in the manner of Maj. Good. This right here is a good way to tie up the Maj. Good reference. I like the symmetry it could give your essay. I accomplish goals I set and tasks set before me. I advanced from E3 to E5 as a Hospital Corpsman in just over 2 years, multiple times faster than the average. Rephrase it, but again, accomplishments don't belong in your closing, or the middle of paragraphs. Shorten the initial Maj. Good reference and tell the board why you advanced so quickly. I am dedicated to honoring all the service members I interact with, the Navy and my country, staunchly courageous in the face of the enemy or ethical dilemma and have proved it, and committed to doing my utmost to fulfill my duties, should I receive a commission in the Navy. The conclusion needs a closing line. It's flowing well, and then it kinda breaks, like you wanted to say more but ran out of time. Maybe start the last sentence with "should I receive a commission..."

Thanks for the thoughts.

Having read it all, you have the bones for a baller essay. You give specifics and motives in clear, concise english. However, you hide them in the middle of your essay where their impacts are lost. If you didn't know you, and were on the board, would "My 90 combat missions have led me to believe that I can best serve my brothers in arms etc etc" or "There are few honors..." grab your attention...
Anyways, I hope this helps,
Jynx

 

[docwaring]

Jynx, Thanks a ton. That was awesome help.

 

[k2fourever]

Anyone game to take a look at mine via PM?

 

[HH-60H]

great examples are playing sports in High school, volunteering at the retirement home, being a Tudor, working while going to school, college activities, everything you do can have a transferable effect.... just make sure they know it...

Being royalty is not going to help you get commissioned, at least not in this country.

 

[Dominoes]

Sorry to dig up this old thread. I'm getting ready to submit my application, and just finished the first draft of my motivational statement. Brutal critisicm is welcome:

"It would be a privilege to serve as an officer in the US Navy. I have been interested in joining the armed forces since high school. I was inspired by my Aunt who is a retired Air Force Officer, and my friends and roommates who enrolled in ROTC during college. I made the decision to apply for a commission after graduation, and have since spent considerable time deciding which branch would be the ideal match. My decision to apply for Navy OCS is heavily based on testimonial from Navy officers including coworkers and acquaintances, as well as from extensive research.

I strongly believe that the maritime force projection capability of the US Navy is critical to maintaining national security. Serving as a Navy officer would allow me to directly support this capability. In addition to serving, I seek a commission to improve myself. This unique opportunity would improve my mental, physical and leadership skills. Self-improvement over a broad range of skills and areas is a dominant aspect of my life.

As a member of my high school’s varsity crew team for three years, I learned teamwork skills in a physically and mentally challenging, high-stress environment. I participated in multiple music groups in and out of school simultaneously. As the bass player in my school’s jazz band for three years, my role was critical to maintaining the rhythm of the entire band. I am a self-starter: I took the initiative to teach myself how to play the instrument, and learned technique and music theory on my own time. I independently created a detailed, scale 3D computer model of the interior of a large building at my university. I thoroughly research topics I’m interested in and matters that affect me as a guide to making the best decisions possible.

My experience supporting DARPA programs during my career has exposed me to the technical needs of the US military. Many of my coworkers are former military officers, and the programs I’ve supported have directly contributed new technology to the warfighter. My internship in Senator Domenici’s office exposed me to the legislative process backing the US government.

I am confident that I would excel as a Navy officer. The experiences I would take from the service would be inimitable, as would be my contribution to the Navy."

 

[RockyMtnNFO]

HOLY CRAP YOU GUYS OVER-THINK THIS!!!!

If you think something sounds particularly good, get rid of it! It is most likely too flowery and overstated.

Reason to join-

I love my country
I want to serve
I want to follow in my Dad's (Mom's, Uncle's, Granfather's etc.) footsteps.
I want a challenge and be the best
I want to fly, sail whatever


Don't give me a lecture on what the Navy can do demonstrating that you understand power projection etc. The board knows and it doesn't impress anyone that you looked up Navy on Wiki.


Talk about teamwork, sports, competition, leadership etc., but don't go up a gnats ass about specific projects, hobbies, whatever.

The very best essay ever written did not get a guy in, but a poor one can keep someone out.

Don't try so hard with fancy language, it comes off as nerdy.
]
Crap am I crabby today.

XXXOOOXXX

 

[pilotwannab]

Any advice, corrections, wording, etc.. I have 425 words already. I feel like my sentence regarding boot camp and sister's death isn't flowing well. I also feel that some parts I can shorten up. I just started writing this about 2 hours ago. It was very hard for me to get started. Let me have the good and bad..

BTW - I'm 29 and I feel this motivational statement is going to make or break my chance.. (if it isn't already to late)

I enlisted in the United States Air Force on February 23, 2000 with one goal in mind. That goal was to become a fighter pilot for the military. I gave no thought to the dangers and sacrifices that a military aviator goes through. Now that I am older, I have had a lot of time to ponder why I want this so much. I want to earn a commission as a Naval Aviator because I want something more out of my life. When I'm an old man I want to be able to look back on my life and reflect with pride; pride for what I have given to my country, family, and myself. I want to share my experiences, learn and grow as a leader, and push myself to limits where most people would give up. I attended USAF boot camp two months after I buried my sister in the ground. I had the courage, honor, and perseverance to push through.
I have made some mistakes along the way. One that will stay with me is the DUI. I do regret the night that I drove while intoxicated, but another part of me does not. It was a learning experience. Under the guidance of a MSGT, who would later become my supervisor, he motivated me to press on with my goals despite the negative perception of the DUI. Afterwards, I was asked by my superiors how I felt about getting F-16 engine run qualified, as well as receiving the authority to sign off on unsafe aircraft discrepancies (Red X's) as a Senior Airman. I would be one of three in my career field on the whole base to be run qualified. The other two were NCO's with a lot more experience than myself. I passed engine run school and received my certifications. My squadron then tasked me with training new troops on aircraft system knowledge as well as performing maintenance on the aircraft. I was thrust into a maintenance lead role as a Senior Airman and I took great pride in this role because of the negative perceptions of my DUI that could have hindered me - I overcame.
Since then, I have attended Embry-Riddle Aeronautical University and received a degree in Aeronautics with a minor in Air Traffic Management. I believe that my choice of studies have equipped me with the tools to be the most successful student I can be if selected for a Naval Aviator position. I maintained a GPA of a 3.03 and have around 80 hours of flight time.

 

[m26]

Quick grammar revision:

I enlisted in the United States Air Force on February 23, 2000 with one goal in mind: to become a fighter pilot for the military. I gave no thought to the dangers and sacrifices that a military aviator goes through. Now that I am older, I have had sufficient time to consider why I want this so much [What is "this"? If it's 'Jets or bust,' I don't think that will go over well].

[/P]I want to earn a commission as a Naval Aviator because I want something more out of my life. When I am an old man I want to be able to look back on my life and reflect with pride;[I'm 95% sure you can't use a semicolon there, but off the top of my head I don't know how to link this sentence properly.] pride for what I have given to my country, family, and myself. I want to share my experiences, learn and grow as a leader, and push myself to the limit [_]. I attended Air Force basic training just two months after I buried my sister [_], but I had the courage, honor, and perseverance to push through.

I have made some mistakes along the way. One that will stay with me is driving under the influence. I do regret the night that I drove while intoxicated, but [_] it was a learning experience. A Master Sergeant, who would later become my supervisor, [_] motivated me to press on with my goals despite the [Something else]. Afterwards, I was asked by my superiors how I felt about getting F-16 engine run qualified and receiving the authority to sign off on unsafe aircraft discrepancies [_] as a Senior Airman. I would be one of only three Airmen in my career field on the [_] base to be run qualified. The other two were NCO's with much more experience than myself [I honestly have no idea whether to use I/me/myself here.]. I passed engine run school and received my certifications. My squadron then tasked me with training new troops on aircraft system[s?] knowledge as well as aircraft maintenance. I was thrust into a maintenance lead role as a Senior Airman and I took great pride in this role because of the negative perceptions of my DUI that could have hindered me - I overcame [You can't use a dash like that].

Edit: maybe if you deleted "that" (after DUI) it might be grammatically correct. But I wouldn't like it.

Since then, I have attended Embry-Riddle Aeronautical University and received a degree in Aeronautics with a minor in Air Traffic Management. I believe that my choice of studies have equipped me with the tools to be the most successful student I can be if selected for a Naval Aviator position. I maintained a GPA of a 3.03 and have around 80 hours of flight time.

 

[Dominoes]

Any advice, corrections, wording, etc.. I have 425 words already. I feel like my sentence regarding boot camp and sister's death isn't flowing well. I also feel that some parts I can shorten up. I just started writing this about 2 hours ago. It was very hard for me to get started. Let me have the good and bad..

BTW - I'm 29 and I feel this motivational statement is going to make or break my chance.. (if it isn't already to late)

I enlisted in the United States Air Force on February 23, 2000 with one goal in mind. That goal was to become a fighter pilot for the military. I gave no thought to the dangers and sacrifices that a military aviator goes through. Now that I am older, I have had a lot of time to ponder why I want this so much. I want to earn a commission as a Naval Aviator because I want something more out of my life. When I'm an old man I want to be able to look back on my life and reflect with pride; pride for what I have given to my country, family, and myself. I want to share my experiences, learn and grow as a leader, and push myself to limits where most people would give up. I attended USAF boot camp two months after I buried my sister in the ground. I had the courage, honor, and perseverance to push through.
I have made some mistakes along the way. One that will stay with me is the DUI. I do regret the night that I drove while intoxicated, but another part of me does not. It was a learning experience. Under the guidance of a MSGT, who would later become my supervisor, he motivated me to press on with my goals despite the negative perception of the DUI. Afterwards, I was asked by my superiors how I felt about getting F-16 engine run qualified, as well as receiving the authority to sign off on unsafe aircraft discrepancies (Red X's) as a Senior Airman. I would be one of three in my career field on the whole base to be run qualified. The other two were NCO's with a lot more experience than myself. I passed engine run school and received my certifications. My squadron then tasked me with training new troops on aircraft system knowledge as well as performing maintenance on the aircraft. I was thrust into a maintenance lead role as a Senior Airman and I took great pride in this role because of the negative perceptions of my DUI that could have hindered me - I overcame.
Since then, I have attended Embry-Riddle Aeronautical University and received a degree in Aeronautics with a minor in Air Traffic Management. I believe that my choice of studies have equipped me with the tools to be the most successful student I can be if selected for a Naval Aviator position. I maintained a GPA of a 3.03 and have around 80 hours of flight time.

Like M26 said, you need to remove or moderate your first paragraph. They want to hear why you want to be an officer, not an aviator. Remove mention of jets entirely, and go light on the aviator parts in general. Mention other aspects of being an officer, like leadership. Every kid who's seen top gun wants to be a fighter pilot. It sounds like you're downplaying the dangers and sacrifices of other military jobs.

Split up the second large block of text. It's hard to read.

Do not mention the DUI at all. You have a "Remarks" section in the application where you can (should) go on about how bad of a decision it was, and how you'll never do it again. You do not want to draw attention to negatives here.

If your goal was to become a fighter pilot, why did you enlist? If you have a good reason like "I wanted to experience the feeling of being an airmen and learning the ways first etc", state it.