Motivational Statement MEGA Thread

[pensfan341]

Thanks for the suggestions, they are helpful.

Going to do some editing now...Will post an updated version tomorrow.

 

[pensfan341]

Again, any thoughts are welcome. Tear it up
377 words





I have learned that the best way to live life is to do something worthwhile. Serving in the Navy will help me contribute to this great country. Furthermore, it offers the opportunity to work with some truly noble and inspiring people, and to travel the world.

In my life I have challenged myself. The soccer field is where I have had great success. I came into high school as a puny, scared freshman. Over the next four years I worked my butt off. This hard work paid off: I was a two year captain and we won the state championship my senior year. This success led to my college soccer career. Soccer has given me valuable experience, including the opportunity to lead and work together with a team. It required a lot of perseverance, three-a-day practices and playing through pain.

I have also challenged myself academically with a rigorous course load. I have made the dean?s list every semester with a 3.9 GPA. My academic success is the product of hard work and dedication. I also stay active on campus as founder and president of the John Carroll Conservatives. I am active in other clubs as well.

Through my life experiences I have learned that the effort put forth determines how rewarding the experience is. The harder the task the more rewarding is the achievement of the goal. I think I am ready for the challenge that a commission in the United States Navy would bring.

My leadership experience has taught me about giving and following orders, when to speak up and when to stay quiet, quick thinking and judgment. Through school I have developed skills in analytical and critical thinking, oral and written communication, and research. My experiences have taught me perseverance, passion, and adaptability. A career in the Navy would be an altogether different challenge, but I have a strong desire to learn. I want to contribute my dedication and experience to become an officer in the greatest Navy in the world. I want the opportunity to earn the respect that comes with being a Naval officer. I want to commit myself to doing something truly worthwhile. This is an amazing opportunity. I think it will be the most rewarding thing I have ever done.

 

[Jynx]

Looking quickly, because i'm knackered and it's late..
I think your conclusion needs to be your introduction, plus an attention grabbing sentence to start. Then use the rest of the essay to expand upon the stuff you brought up in your (former) conclusion.

377 words
I have learned that the best way to live life is to do something worthwhile. Serving in the Navy will help me contribute to this great country. Furthermore, it offers the opportunity to work with some truly noble and inspiring people, and to travel the world. We could still do with some punch

In my life I have challenged myself. The soccer field is where I have had great success. I came into high school as a puny, scared freshman. Over the next four years I worked my butt off. This hard work paid off: I was a two year captain and we won the state championship my senior year. This success led to my college soccer career. Soccer has given me valuable experience, including the opportunity to lead and work together with a team. It required a lot of perseverance, three-a-day practices and playing through pain.

I have also challenged myself academically with a rigorous course load. I have made the dean?s list every semester with a 3.9 GPA. My academic success is the product of hard work and dedication. I also stay active on campus as founder and president of the John Carroll Conservatives. I am active in other clubs as well.

Through my life experiences I have learned that the effort put forth determines how rewarding the experience is. The harder the task the more rewarding is the achievement of the goal. I think I am ready for the challenge that a commission in the United States Navy would bring.

My leadership experience has taught me about giving and following orders, when to speak up and when to stay quiet, quick thinking and judgment. Through school I have developed skills in analytical and critical thinking, oral and written communication, and research. My experiences have taught me perseverance, passion, and adaptability. A career in the Navy would be an altogether different challenge, but I have a strong desire to learn. I want to contribute my dedication and experience to become an officer in the greatest Navy in the world. I want the opportunity to earn the respect that comes with being a Naval officer. I want to commit myself to doing something truly worthwhile. This is an amazing opportunity. I think it will be the most rewarding thing I have ever done.

 

[pensfan341]

Okay: Getting ready to sent it off. Any last minute editing is appreciated!
394 words.
My leadership experience has taught me about giving and following orders, about when to speak up and when to stay quiet, about quick thinking and judgment. Through academics I have developed skills in analytical and critical thinking, organization, oral and written communication, and research. My experiences have taught me perseverance, passion, and adaptability. A career in the Navy would be an altogether different challenge, but I have a strong desire to learn. I want to contribute my dedication and experience to become an officer in the greatest Navy in the world. I want the opportunity to earn the respect that comes with being a Naval officer. I want to commit myself to doing something truly worthwhile. This is an amazing opportunity. I think it would be the most rewarding thing I have ever done.

All my life I have challenged myself. On the soccer field I have had great success. I came into high school as a puny, scared freshman. Over the next four years I worked my butt off. This hard work paid off: I was a two year captain and we won the state championship my senior year. This led to my college soccer career. Soccer has given me valuable experience, including the opportunity not only to lead and but work together with others as a member of a team.

I have also challenged myself academically with a rigorous course load. I have made the Dean?s list every semester with a 3.9 GPA. My academic success is the product of hard work and dedication. I also stay active on campus as founder and president of the John Carroll Conservatives. I am active in other clubs as well.

Through my life experiences I have learned that the reward achieved is proportionate to the effort put forth. The harder the task the more rewarding is the achievement of the goal. I think I am ready for the challenges that being an officer in the United States Navy would bring.

I have learned that the best way to live life is to do something worthwhile. I can imagine nothing more worthwhile than serving my country. Naval service would provide me with that opportunity. Furthermore, it would offer the opportunity to work with some truly noble and inspiring people. I hope to proudly serve in the US Navy, embodying the virtues of Honor, Commitment, and Courage.

 

[aussie828]

Hello all. I have been visiting this site for a while now, and I finally decided to register and participate. I plan on applying for BDCP, and like others in this thread, I would like to know if anyone would be willing to read my essay. If it is alright, I would prefer to PM. Thank you for your time, and I look forward to more interaction from other members.

 

[Jhonethan]

Hi Friend’s
People should want to want — not just to be there, and perform mechanically, and enjoy the rewards, but to happily and willingly work there. It is quite common to hear grievances and complaints about people — colleagues, clients, bosses etc — or about systems and processes.
Get more at http://amotivationalspeaker.wordpress.com/

 

[Kickflip89]

Hi Friend?s
People should want to want ? not just to be there, and perform mechanically, and enjoy the rewards, but to happily and willingly work there. It is quite common to hear grievances and complaints about people ? colleagues, clients, bosses etc ? or about systems and processes.
soliciting link

WTF?!?!?

However, In the spirit of this thread:

Friends is plural, not possessive.

if you're gonna make a giant clause, try moving the happily and willingly work there to the beginning of the sentence.

too many and's in the list of things they shouldn't want to be "there" (might want to define "there" as well) for.

You used an etc. and then continued the list in a clause, meh.

Hi friends. People should want to happily and willingly work "there" - not just to be there, perform mechanically, and enjoy the rewards. It is quite common to hear grievances and complaints about people (colleagues, clients, bosses, etc.) or systems and processes.

This way your gibberish is much more easy to not understand. However, hats off to you for good spelling.

 

[BTP1368]

Capitalization

Hi All,

I have a couple quick questions. What is proper capitalization for using the word officer? I have seen contrasting examples in this thread, and I am confused as to what is the proper usage. How should the following be capitalized:

Senior Naval Officers
Naval Officer
United States Naval Officer

Also, is there a naval writing guide? I have searched but have been unable to come up with anything.

If my questions have already been asked and answered then I apologize.

Very Respectfully,

BTP1368

 

[dubv]

1st Draft Motivational Statement, Feedback Appreciated

[FONT=&quot]I’m seeking a commission with the United States Navy because I want an opportunity to serve my country in an extraordinary way. A way that is not readily available to civilians, a way that will allow me to uphold the highest standards of honor, courage, and commitment. My aspiration to serve my country cannot be condensed into a mere 400 words, but quoting Abraham Lincoln provides great insight as to my motives. “I like to see a man proud of the place in which he lives. I like to see a man live so that his place will be proud of him.” These two sentences, although short, have been a tremendous source of inspiration to me throughout the years. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]I do not remember a single moment in time when I was not proud to be a citizen of the United States. Now it’s time for me to assume those responsibilities and commitments which will undoubtedly make my country proud of me. This is my goal.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]I suppose individuals have successfully achieved similar goals with other branches of the armed forces in the past. However, I strongly feel that the Navy is better suited to allow me to serve my country in a multitude of ways both traditionally and non-traditionally. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Furthermore, I am confident that my personal values, morals, leadership attributes, intellect, commitment, and drive will allow me to strive as a Naval Officer. I have consistently and successfully shown these characteristics in the past and they will continue to mold my actions in the future regardless of my path.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]That being said, my ideal path with the Navy and my first choice of an officer program is in the Naval Aviator community. This has been something I’ve wanted to pursue since childhood. Initially, my interest was sparked by my uncle who successfully retired after serving 22 years as a Marine Core Pilot and was a member of Marine One. Again, my uncle simply sparked my curiosity; I have my own motives for wanting to become a Pilot. I’m fully aware of the exceptional capacity required to become a member of such a community and I have not underestimated these requirements in the least. Moreover, I’m certain that the characteristics mentioned previously will not only allow me to triumph over such a challenge, but more importantly achieve success as an officer and concur my desire to serve my country.[/FONT]

 

[JTH]

Statement Review

Looking to PM my motivational statement to anyone who has time to look it over.. It is in near final form, so a review should be simple...

 

[Vas Deferens]

If anyone here would like to offer some constructive criticism on my motivational essay, I would really appreciate it. I'm an English major, so it's pretty solid already. I'd just like some additional feedback. I will PM it to whoever responds.

Thanks

 

[sferry]

[FONT=&quot]I’m seeking a commission with the United States Navy because I want an opportunity to serve my country in an extraordinary way. A way that is not readily available to civilians, a way that will allow me to uphold the highest standards of honor, courage, and commitment. My aspiration to serve my country cannot be condensed into a mere 400 words, but quoting Abraham Lincoln provides great insight as to my motives. “I like to see a man proud of the place in which he lives. I like to see a man live so that his place will be proud of him.” These two sentences, although short, have been a tremendous source of inspiration to me throughout the years. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]I do not remember a single moment in time when I was not proud to be a citizen of the United States. Now it’s time for me to assume those responsibilities and commitments which will undoubtedly make my country proud of me. This is my goal.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]I suppose individuals have successfully achieved similar goals with other branches of the armed forces in the past. However, I strongly feel that the Navy is better suited to allow me to serve my country in a multitude of ways both traditionally and non-traditionally. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Furthermore, I am confident that my personal values, morals, leadership attributes, intellect, commitment, and drive will allow me to strive as a Naval Officer. I have consistently and successfully shown these characteristics in the past and they will continue to mold my actions in the future regardless of my path.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]That being said, my ideal path with the Navy and my first choice of an officer program is in the Naval Aviator community. This has been something I’ve wanted to pursue since childhood. Initially, my interest was sparked by my uncle who successfully retired after serving 22 years as a Marine Core Pilot and was a member of Marine One. Again, my uncle simply sparked my curiosity; I have my own motives for wanting to become a Pilot. I’m fully aware of the exceptional capacity required to become a member of such a community and I have not underestimated these requirements in the least. Moreover, I’m certain that the characteristics mentioned previously will not only allow me to triumph over such a challenge, but more importantly achieve success as an officer and concur my desire to serve my country.[/FONT]

It is typical, in formal essays or correspondences, to avoid using contractions (ie "It is" instead of "It's"). Best of luck.

 

[dubv]

Thanks, I'll touch it up

 

[kidday03]

[FONT=&quot]I’m seeking a commission with the United States Navy because I want an opportunity to serve my country in an extraordinary way. A way that is not readily available to civilians, a way that will allow me to uphold the highest standards of honor, courage, and commitment. My aspiration to serve my country cannot be condensed into a mere 400 words, but quoting Abraham Lincoln provides great insight as to my motives. “I like to see a man proud of the place in which he lives. I like to see a man live so that his place will be proud of him.” These two sentences, although short, have been a tremendous source of inspiration to me throughout the years. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]I do not remember a single moment in time when I was not proud to be a citizen of the United States. Now it’s time for me to assume those responsibilities and commitments which will undoubtedly make my country proud of me. This is my goal.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]I suppose individuals have successfully achieved similar goals with other branches of the armed forces in the past. However, I strongly feel that the Navy is better suited to allow me to serve my country in a multitude of ways both traditionally and non-traditionally. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Furthermore, I am confident that my personal values, morals, leadership attributes, intellect, commitment, and drive will allow me to strive as a Naval Officer. I have consistently and successfully shown these characteristics in the past and they will continue to mold my actions in the future regardless of my path.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]That being said, my ideal path with the Navy and my first choice of an officer program is in the Naval Aviator community. This has been something I’ve wanted to pursue since childhood. Initially, my interest was sparked by my uncle who successfully retired after serving 22 years as a Marine Core Pilot and was a member of Marine One. Again, my uncle simply sparked my curiosity; I have my own motives for wanting to become a Pilot. I’m fully aware of the exceptional capacity required to become a member of such a community and I have not underestimated these requirements in the least. Moreover, I’m certain that the characteristics mentioned previously will not only allow me to triumph over such a challenge, but more importantly achieve success as an officer and concur my desire to serve my country.[/FONT]

Marine Corps, not Marine Core.

 

[m26]

Marine Corps, not Marine Core.

Also, can you be a member of Marine One? Crewmember, at least, I'd think...