Motivational Statement MEGA Thread

[eggyfox]

I have taken some of your suggestions and performed a re-write. Let me know if you think it is any better or (possibly) worse...

For me, being an officer of the US Navy was not a lifelong dream as it may have been for some people, but more of an alignment of my own personal experiences and ambitions with a career that would build upon those and continue to challenge me on daily basis.

Having lived in over 20 homes in different countries, and traveling extensively, I have had the opportunity to meet people and see places that are vastly different. From this experience I feel most fortunate to be an US Citizen, with it all the rights and privileges that it entails. I whole-heartedly support these rights and privileges and want to do what I can to protect them.

I have a lot to offer the Navy with my intelligence, adaptability and ability to communicate effectively with those around me. I earned a scholarship to a private high school and another scholarship during college. I worked two jobs through most of college, played sports competitively, while still maintaining an exemplary GPA and receiving numerous academic awards. I was also selected for a year abroad during college where I demonstrated independence and maturity as a representative of my university.

Since graduation, I have consistently been a top performer in the office, on the sports field and been an active member of the community. As a scientist and project manager I bring multi tasking and people skills that are useful in any profession. My passion for the environment has involved me in numerous volunteer exercises over the years. I offer hard work, dedication and an ability to learn fast in order to do what needs to be done. I am not one to sit on my laurels. I am always looking ahead and recently began training towards my private pilots license.

It has taken 24 years to get to the point where I am ready to take on the biggest challenge on my life - becoming an officer in the US Navy. I look to become an officer and an aviator in the Navy, not as a job, but as a way of life. Simultaneously challenging and rewarding, serving the Navy would both be a dream fulfilled and a responsibility accepted gratefully. Given my background, education, and experiences, as well as my heartfelt desire to serve, I believe I would make an excellent officer of the US Navy.

Thanks again for the previous review

 

[m26]

Because you are done with that massive list of accomplishments? This is a little bit too cocky of a statement for me.

"I was captain of my high school chess club, but not wanting to rest on my laurels, I challenged myself to become the chess champion of Jefferson County."



I keed, of course. But seriously, we've seen some stuff dangerously close to that in this thread.

Words

What he said.

 

[m26]

For me, being an officer of the US Navy was not a lifelong dream as it may have been for some people, but more of an alignment of my own personal experiences and ambitions with a career that would build upon those and continue to challenge me on daily basis.

Why use one run-on sentence when you could break this down into 2-4 shorter, succinct, better ones? Actually, I'm not sure if it's a run-on or simply bad writing, but you don't want either. I really don't want to be harsh... but seriously.

Having lived in over 20 homes in different countries, and traveling extensively, I have had the opportunity to meet people and see places that are vastly different.

Much better, but I still don't find it to be as clear as it could be. JMHO.

Also (again skirting with the outer limits of my off-the-cuff grammatical abilities), the tense change from "having lived" to "traveling extensively" might be problematic.

an US Citizen

^

Since graduation, I have consistently been a top performer in the office, on the sports field and been an active member of the community. As a scientist and project manager I bring multi tasking and people skills that are useful in any profession.

You're killing me, Eggy! I think that "bring" needs an indirect object, but I'm not 100% on that. But I guess that's what your English profs are for.

My passion for the environment has involved me in numerous volunteer exercises over the years.

Sounds like you were dragged into something by your passion. Maybe you were, and maybe I'm too keen on that first person active voice, but I'd employ it here.

I am not one to sit on my laurels.

I would at least "rest" on those laurels.

It has taken 24 years to get to the point where I am ready to take on the biggest challenge on my life - becoming an officer in the US Navy. I look to become an officer and an aviator in the Navy, not as a job, but as a way of life. Simultaneously challenging and rewarding, serving the Navy would both be a dream fulfilled and a responsibility accepted gratefully. Given my background, education, and experiences, as well as my heartfelt desire to serve, I believe I would make an excellent officer of the US Navy.

If I had been paying attention in the first half, this would be the bottom half of a compliment sandwich. :thumbup_1

 

[eggyfox]

Haha thanks, I can't change everything just how you want it otherwise it wouldn't sound like me, especially if there were no errors

I wish I had more time to do this over my OR said he is going to try and get me in tomorrow, got my english prof on it right now for the easy fixes but it is definitely not exactly where I want it to be. I do feel like it is better than the first one I put out there.

Thanks again for reading it, I am sure it is painful for you. I will let you know if it works !

 

[m26]

Exactly. The folks in TN will catch on, otherwise!

Good luck!

 

[eggyfox]

Just to satisfy any curiosity you may or may not have, this is the version I am sending my OR to be included in my package tomorrow. The english prof changed a few things here and there and put in lots of -'s.

For me, being an officer of the US Navy was not a lifelong dream as it may have been for some people. Instead, it is more of an alignment of my own personal experiences and ambitions with a career that would build upon those, and continue to challenge me on daily basis.

Having traveled extensively and lived in over 20 homes in different countries, I have had the opportunity to meet and see vastly different people and places. These experiences make me feel most fortunate to be a US Citizen and to enjoy with the rights and privileges that it entails. I whole-heartedly support these rights and privileges and want to do what I can to protect them.

The valuable qualities I have to offer the Navy include my intelligence, adaptability and ability to communicate effectively with those around me. I earned a scholarship to a private high school and another scholarship during college. I worked two jobs through most of college, played sports competitively, while still maintaining an exemplary GPA and receiving numerous academic awards. I was also selected for a year abroad, during which I demonstrated independence and maturity as a representative of my university.

Since graduation, I have consistently been a top performer in the office, on the sports field and been an active member of the community - my passion for the environment is illustrated by my involvement in numerous volunteer opportunities over the years. As a scientist and project manager I bring experience in multi tasking and working with a team.

I offer an ethic of hard work and dedication, as well as an ability to learn fast in order to do what needs to be done - I am not one to rest on my laurels. I am always looking ahead and recently began training towards my private pilots license.

It has taken 24 years–and a great deal of learning and experience–to get to the point where I am ready to take on the biggest challenge on my life: becoming an officer in the US Navy. I look to become an officer and an aviator in the Navy, not as a job, but as a way of life. Simultaneously challenging and rewarding, serving the Navy would both be a dream fulfilled and a responsibility accepted gratefully.

ps. I decided to 'rock' the rockhopper in your honor

 

[arianjalali]

yakboy and m_26, you guys are wonderful. I will revise my statement a bit more at lunch today, submit it one more time, and hope that it meets your final approval as I'm submitting my application to the OR before the weekend. I cannot thank you enough for your assistance. I have always been able to hold my own in regards to grammar and spelling (at least throughout high school and college). However, I acknowledge the reality that my statement will play a crucial role in the application process and your fresh sets of eyes have proven to be priceless. I know this just sounds like sucking up (lol), but seriously.. Thank you.

Also, eggy, if you're reading this (and I assume you are since we are posting on this thread concurrently).. I enjoyed your statement and wish you the best of luck on your quest. Are you planning to submit for the February boards?

 

[arianjalali]

All suggestions have been takein into consideration and revisions have been made..
So, here it goes (again):

I was stuck in traffic one day and the license plate on the car in front of me caught my attention. I told the driver that I aspired to accomplish the same goals he had achieved in his lifetime. He said it was the best decision he ever made and wished me luck on my journey. His license plate read, “USNAV8TR”.
I pursued several extracurricular activities while attending a small-town Christian school. I spent four years playing varsity soccer (eventually rising to the position of co-captain) as well as competing in track and field, developing skills of teamwork and leadership. I also served as class president my senior year and assisted the faculty with clerical duties. In addition to these responsibilities, I was second chair in the saxophone section throughout my four years in concert band. My greatest achievement was being awarded the West Virginia “PROMISE” scholarship, which covered my entire tuition to any university within the state.
The concept of being a hard worker has been ingrained in me since my first job at the age of sixteen. When I turned eighteen, I started obtaining my undergraduate degree while also working full-time. I had a somewhat demanding routine for a college student as I had to incorporate a ninety minute commute and the typical duties associated with living on your own into my schedule. Yet, I have maintained a well-rounded lifestyle by staying fit, remaining close to family and friends, and faithfully attending church to help strengthen my walk with God.
Linguistics has always interested me. I learned Farsi and English while growing up and have been working towards mastering Spanish since the tenth grade. In my spare time, I pursue my passion for aviation through flight simulators and working towards a private pilot’s license by taking lessons from a local flight instructor while concurrently being enrolled in ground school.
There comes a moment when an individual decides what they are going to do with their life. When I arrived at that point, I knew I wanted to become a United States Naval Officer. I realize the path ahead of me will be demanding; therefore I am prepared to do whatever it takes to earn a commission. Some people apply because of what their grandfather did for this country. I am applying because I want to become a grandfather that my future grandchildren can look up to and admire.

 

[m26]

I can't find anything to complain about on the grammar/word use front.

 

[arianjalali]

Excellent. Now hopefully my content is worthwhile enough to generate some positive feedback from the board Thanks again, m_26.. Have a good time at home (for break, I assume?).

 

[eggyfox]

Also, eggy, if you're reading this (and I assume you are since we are posting on this thread concurrently).. I enjoyed your statement and wish you the best of luck on your quest. Are you planning to submit for the February boards?

I am hoping to get in the Jan board which is why I am in such a hurry. Went down to MEPS today and signed all the paperwork so if I am lucky I will be in (not counting on it though). Otherwise, I will be in the FEB board, I assume you are too? Good luck as well! I liked the originality of your statement btw

 

[AnonymousGuy]

Hello everyone. I've been struggling with my motivational statement for about a week and a half. This is finally what I cranked out.

If possible, PLEASE critique it and don't hold back

Im submitting my package for the February board.

Thanks!
------------------------------------------
Five years ago I enlisted in the US Navy, and it changed my life forever. I was attending college at the time, but I felt like I was only "going through the motions" in life, and I wanted to feel like I was making a difference in the world. Just as my grandfather served in World War II, I also found my higher calling in serving the country I so passionately loved. Joining the Navy instilled a sense of pride in me that I know I could never find anywhere else. The Navy’s core values of Honor, Courage, and Commitment not only guided my service, but also guided my entire life. Any sailor would tell you, there is no better feeling than donning the Navy uniform, and knowing that what you truly impact the lives of others. For this reason, I want to return to the Navy, and serve as an officer.

I bring to the Navy five years of stellar prior-enlisted service. Working alongside some of the Navy's highest-ranking officers, I learned what it takes to lead a large group of people toward accomplishing a goal. Along with this experience, I learned that it is equally important to be a good follower. I have been a part of the exact population that I, as an officer, would be leading, and this gives me a tremendous edge in knowing what it takes to effectively lead. Through working with fantastic officers, I have learned what it takes to motivate, mentor, and inspire others.

Along with my prior-enlisted experience, I bring a passion for this country that paralleled by no one. While working overseas for 6 months, I truly got to see what makes the USA so incredible. All of the freedoms we enjoy, and all of the opportunities afforded to us cannot be found anywhere else in the world. Once one finds themselves without these freedoms and opportunities, they realize how precious they are. Since returning to America, I have a more thorough understanding of what America represents. I KNOW what I am fighting for.

Overall, I know that there would be nothing more gratifying in my life than to serve as a Naval officer. To go to work knowing that I’m a part of the Global Force for Good, and that I’m protecting the greatest nation on Earth, would sincerely be an honor second to none.

 

[m26]

Hopefully I'll get to this later, but for now let's look at this paragraph in particular.

Along with my prior-enlisted experience, I bring a passion for this country that paralleled by no one.

You're saying that no one in the entire country has a passion for the country that matches yours? You're #1 without so much as a tie? I like the enthusiasm, but...

All of the freedoms we enjoy, and all of the opportunities afforded to us cannot be found anywhere else in the world.

Americans can go to college. Britons can go to college. Alas, not all our opportunities are uniquely ours. Rephrase.

Once one finds themselves without these freedoms and opportunities, they realize how precious they are.

Are you saying you lost these, or you saw others who didn't have them?

I KNOW what I am fighting for.

I'm not sure that capitalizing for effect is acceptable in this format, technically. I kind of like the sentiment - just not sure about the execution. If you can't keep the impact by rephrasing, though, it might be one of those times where rule-breaking is in order.

 

[AnonymousGuy]

Hopefully I'll get to this later, but for now let's look at this paragraph in particular.



You're saying that no one in the entire country has a passion for the country that matches yours? You're #1 without so much as a tie? I like the enthusiasm, but...



Americans can go to college. Britons can go to college. Alas, not all our opportunities are uniquely ours. Rephrase.



Are you saying you lost these, or you saw others who didn't have them?



I'm not sure that capitalizing for effect is acceptable in this format, technically. I kind of like the sentiment - just not sure about the execution. If you can't keep the impact by rephrasing, though, it might be one of those times where rule-breaking is in order.

Thank you for your input! I'll be making some changes to that paragraph...i knew that would be the first place people would questions.

Thanks!

Edit:
Here is my revision of that paragraph...thoughts??

Along with my prior-enlisted experience, I bring a passion for this country that is paralleled by few. While working overseas for 6 months, I truly got to see what makes the USA so incredible. The freedoms and opportunities we have are far harder to come by in other countries. Once one actually bears witness to human beings living without these freedoms and opportunities, they realize how precious they are. Since returning to America, I have a more thorough understanding of what America represents, and I truly understand what I am fighting for.

 

[VTMike09]

Hi all, I've been browsing the site for a little while now and appreciate all the information about OCS. I'm applying for a CEC slot, and have been working on the motivational statement. I'm not as confident about the flow of first paragraph and any input/critique would be a huge help... Thanks!


From my alma mater’s motto, “Ut Prosim” (that I may serve) and growing up in a Christian family, I know and fully understand the importance of service and giving back to your community. I would love nothing more than to be able to follow in my family’s footsteps of service by earning a commission as a Naval Officer. Both my grandfather and uncle were SeaBees, my mother-in-law is a USNR Captain Retired, and my father-in-law is a Retired Lt. Col. in the Air Force. My appreciation for service and seeing my family’s pride in the military has left me feeling called to serve in the US Armed Forces. Coupled with the knowledge of the Navy’s exceptional reputation of service, I feel a strong desire to seek and earn a commission in the US Navy. In pursuing a commission as a Naval Officer, my objective is to continue learning and advancing my professional knowledge through training and first hand experience, which the Navy provides. I want to expand and sharpen my professional skills, work with a talented group of team members, and expand my leadership abilities.

My education and wide range of experiences already provide me with a strong base upon which to build. My hardworking and self-motivated personality has been vital in allowing me to overcome obstacles and accomplish goals. I began working at the early age of 13, doing construction over summers with my dad and uncle. From that point on, I have always had a strong work ethic and discipline in everything I do. Those same ethics drove my successful academic and athletic career, opening opportunities for leadership, such as being captain of my high school wrestling team and working with a team of designers to represent Virginia Tech in an international festival of architecture. Through these opportunities, I have seen first hand the invaluable nature of teamwork and leadership.

It is my belief that these experiences, my desire to serve, and strong determination to accomplish goals will allow me to stand out as a strong leader. As a Naval Officer I will convey complete devotion to service, represent the core values of “Honor, Courage, Commitment,” and stand out as an exemplary member of the Officer Corp.